Emerald and Ruby - Chapter I - Untold Secrets

Dec 02, 2003 15:11

Emerald and Ruby -- Chapter I -- Untold Secrets
Title: Emerald and Ruby
Chapter: I
Author: Joseph Saren
Email: niftyboi@earthlink.net
Pairing: Harry/Ron
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury ( Read more... )

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Comments 5

dacro December 2 2003, 23:19:01 UTC
I told you this already, but...RON!
heh!

“Harry…Haaarrry….Harry! Ronikins can’t breathe! ,” said Ron said hoarsely trying to get air into his compressed lungs.

Harry stared up at Ron with a blank look on his face, “You love me?”

“That’s what I just told you, you dumb prat,” said Ron laughingly.

*hugs*
love,
hag

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electricandroid December 4 2003, 11:48:29 UTC
Warning - this is constructive critique - so I am being very straightforward and honest. Do not panic - I liked the story but there were a few points which could, in my humble opinion, make it better. It is because I like it that I wrote this - else I would not bother giving any feedback whatsoever....

Okay - I'm doing this as I read:

Ron had volunteered to pack Harry’s truck for him
Interesting - but I think you meant trunk. Mmm - magical trucks would make job so much easier. Bloody architecture (which I love)

First Paragraph
Good start - you are setting the scene well. At times I find your sentance structure to be a bit clunky, in that there are few commas and that the sentances tend to be of the same length. Yes I am a pain in the ass... apologies.

Paragraph 2 and 3
SQUEEEEE! HOW CUTE! Loving it...

Paragraph 4I am finding Harry's reaction a bit extreme. How could have have known that Ron had read that particular entry. Especially the screaming - mmm - what type of Harry are you going for? He seems to be very fickle...angry ( ... )

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josephsaren December 4 2003, 18:23:37 UTC
::hugs::

Thank you so much for your review! I agree with all your points except the one about Hermione now that I have them shown to me. This is why I REALLY need a beta. :) The only other friend I have that loves HP slash is Frulie.

The reason I don't agree w/Hermione is b/c my ex and I had a friend that knew about both us liking each other for over a year and never told either of us about the other. Her reaction was just like that. And we met just like that only he found an IM of mine that I had left open and we were talking about him. :)

I hate commas. I can never decide where they go. They are the devil.

How do I join the_pimp_cane? I'm VERY new to my LJ. I had forgotten that I even had one until I found a story on here :)

-Joe

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electricandroid December 5 2003, 01:20:38 UTC
Ah glad - went to sleep confused because I thought I might have upset you - and the frulie would have had my boobs (I guess not balls - not practicable) for lunch!

You are a lucky devil to have got into a relationship like that - so so easy.. to be fair, it has happened to me too - and is the longest relationship i've ever had (still in it now) but it makes my friends sick when I tell them about it!

Yes,grammar and punctuation are the devil's own. Especially words like "Lucius'" versus "Lucius's" (all praise the might saladbats for her beta skills.

Be careful who you find to beta btw... I had one when I first first started writing here (a whole 3 months ago) and my story was completely ruined, because they did not understand what I wanted to do, and I was too spineless to say "Look you are a silly little freak - I like my long words and implied things" So best to ask someone to beta that you have spoken too. I'm lucky - frulie's beta read my work and offered - and she is excellent. (even though I made her cry with parts of it)

Hmm to join the_pimp_cane click ( ... )

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josephsaren December 4 2003, 18:46:23 UTC
Also, everything through there meeting Hermione on the train was written by me over a year ago. I only changed a few parts and added onto it. My writing style has changed a good bit since then. I was afraid I'd lose something if I completely rewrote it

-Joe

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