Because I'm retarded.
My Life in Conversation Form
1.
Cashier: [Holding up the ipod box.] Did they let you walk all the way over here with this by yourself?
Me: [Childish voice.] Golly gee whillickers, Mister, I carry stuff all by myself all the time. I’m a big boy. I’m in the eighteenth grade. That’s this many. [Flashes fingers]
He was not amused.
2.
Me: I finally bought an ipod. I’m officially hip like all the other college kids.
Paul: I thought you didn’t like music.
Me: I don’t. I’m putting my books on tape on it.
I don’t own books on tape. I just like that joke.
3.
I deposited all my spare change in the bank.
Banker: What year are you making this IRA contribution for? 2005 or 2006?”
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Banker: For tax purposes it does.
Me: No worries - I don’t pay taxes.
Banker: [Pause.] Why don’t you pay taxes?
Me: Because I don’t have any.
Banker: Well, why don’t you have any?
Me: I’m a student with no job. That’s why I’m funding my IRA with spare change I find in parking lots.
Banker: [Long pause.] Huh.
4.
I've proved how much worthless shit I know in class.
Professor: Has anybody heard of the American Colonization Society?
Me: [Nods.]
Professor: Look, someone has. What did they do?
Me: They founded Liberia.
Professor: They did. [Explains its history]. Under which president did the American Colonization do most of its work under?
Me: James Monroe.
Professor: And that’s why the capital of Liberia is?
Me: Monrovia.
Professor: And who was recently elected president of Liberia?
Me: Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf.
Professor: How do you know all of this?
Me: It’s in the news.
Professor: Either that or you’re just really geeky.
I'm lying. I knew it all before it was in the news. I am really geeky.
5.
Me: … I have a wicked headache, though.
DB: why a headache? have you been trying to shove yourself into the dryer again? you crazy crazy man.
DB: wow, i just realized... that might actually work! what would that be like to be in the dryer and have someone turn it on? i wonder if it would even spin. human bodies are pretty heavy.
Mahurjin: If you were a child, it would work. But you'd most likely die if it heated up any.
IamFattyDB: hehe, naw. you could easily bust the door before you got too hot. It’d actually prolly be really hard to not bust the door open on accident.
Mahurjin: I just imagine being so cramped you can hardly get the leverage to hit the door, but you're probably right. I thinking about children being unable to open it, really. I'm also thinking about children dying, apparently.
DB: yeah, what’s your fuckin problem baby killer? sicko!
DB: okay so i just tried it out. i can get my whole upper body, but then i cant squeeze my hips in cause my upper body wont fold in enough... but there’s room enough i think. if the hole was cut a touch wider perhaps...
Mahurjin: You almost make me want to go try....
IamFattyDB: DO IT!!!!
IamFattyDB: did it work?
Mahurjin: Our dryer is actually running right now. Conveniently.
Kim: why did you tell DB to get into the dryer?
Me: I'm not sure whether to call it an experiment, a dare, or a wager.
Results are so far inconclusive.
6.
Me: What's her name?
Matt Murdoch: Elektra Natchios.
Me: She sounds like a Mexican appetizer.
Wait, that didn't happen. I'm just watching Daredevil on TV. Why is this movie on?
Other things that have been going on: Erika's two birthday parties, red velvet cake, Cannibal the Musical!, Denny's with people, the Library with people, giving cracked out women rides home from Albertsons, getting Chairman Mao framed, sushi with Mel and condescending servers, and I ended up seeing lots of movies in the past few weeks. Life has been pretty sweet.
1.
Cashier: [Holding up the ipod box.] Did they let you walk all the way over here with this by yourself?
Me: [Childish voice.] Golly gee whillickers, Mister, I carry stuff all by myself all the time. I’m a big boy. I’m in the eighteenth grade. That’s this many. [Flashes fingers]
He was not amused.
2.
Me: I finally bought an ipod. I’m officially hip like all the other college kids.
Paul: I thought you didn’t like music.
Me: I don’t. I’m putting my books on tape on it.
I don’t own books on tape. I just like that joke.
3.
I deposited all my spare change in the bank.
Banker: What year are you making this IRA contribution for? 2005 or 2006?”
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Banker: For tax purposes it does.
Me: No worries - I don’t pay taxes.
Banker: [Pause.] Why don’t you pay taxes?
Me: Because I don’t have any.
Banker: Well, why don’t you have any?
Me: I’m a student with no job. That’s why I’m funding my IRA with spare change I find in parking lots.
Banker: [Long pause.] Huh.
4.
I've proved how much worthless shit I know in class.
Professor: Has anybody heard of the American Colonization Society?
Me: [Nods.]
Professor: Look, someone has. What did they do?
Me: They founded Liberia.
Professor: They did. [Explains its history]. Under which president did the American Colonization do most of its work under?
Me: James Monroe.
Professor: And that’s why the capital of Liberia is?
Me: Monrovia.
Professor: And who was recently elected president of Liberia?
Me: Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf.
Professor: How do you know all of this?
Me: It’s in the news.
Professor: Either that or you’re just really geeky.
I'm lying. I knew it all before it was in the news. I am really geeky.
5.
Me: … I have a wicked headache, though.
DB: why a headache? have you been trying to shove yourself into the dryer again? you crazy crazy man.
DB: wow, i just realized... that might actually work! what would that be like to be in the dryer and have someone turn it on? i wonder if it would even spin. human bodies are pretty heavy.
Mahurjin: If you were a child, it would work. But you'd most likely die if it heated up any.
IamFattyDB: hehe, naw. you could easily bust the door before you got too hot. It’d actually prolly be really hard to not bust the door open on accident.
Mahurjin: I just imagine being so cramped you can hardly get the leverage to hit the door, but you're probably right. I thinking about children being unable to open it, really. I'm also thinking about children dying, apparently.
DB: yeah, what’s your fuckin problem baby killer? sicko!
DB: okay so i just tried it out. i can get my whole upper body, but then i cant squeeze my hips in cause my upper body wont fold in enough... but there’s room enough i think. if the hole was cut a touch wider perhaps...
Mahurjin: You almost make me want to go try....
IamFattyDB: DO IT!!!!
IamFattyDB: did it work?
Mahurjin: Our dryer is actually running right now. Conveniently.
Kim: why did you tell DB to get into the dryer?
Me: I'm not sure whether to call it an experiment, a dare, or a wager.
Results are so far inconclusive.
6.
Me: What's her name?
Matt Murdoch: Elektra Natchios.
Me: She sounds like a Mexican appetizer.
Wait, that didn't happen. I'm just watching Daredevil on TV. Why is this movie on?
Other things that have been going on: Erika's two birthday parties, red velvet cake, Cannibal the Musical!, Denny's with people, the Library with people, giving cracked out women rides home from Albertsons, getting Chairman Mao framed, sushi with Mel and condescending servers, and I ended up seeing lots of movies in the past few weeks. Life has been pretty sweet.