Film Snobs
Post your results please!
Film snobs: you know them; you loathe them. There they are in the back row of the theatre, inconsiderately calling out plot inconsistencies or shots copied from superior films. They scoff when you tell them how much you’re looking forward to that much-hyped star vehicle. They use adjectives you can’t decipher, and what you consider "boring" they call "masterful." They eschew the multiplex for the repertory theatre, and they love to make you feel shallow. But wait, you enjoyed Sideways and Brokeback Mountain - any chance you’re fixing to join their ranks? Take a few minutes to complete our Film Snob Quiz. Simply add up the numbers of the appropriate answers (1s, 2s and 3s) to these 10 questions, and then find your Snob Quotient using our handy index below. Ready?
1. The highest compliment you can pay a film is:
(1) "The explosions were awesome."
(2) "Cute."
(3) "It demonstrated startling insight into la condition humaine."
2. Your favourite movie-time snack is:
(1) A giant bucket of popcorn smothered in butter-like topping, washed down with about a gallon of cola.
(2) A small bag of popcorn, no topping, and a diet cola, followed within 12 hours by an extra-long session on the elliptical.
(3) Heaps of bitter scorn for the uneducated masses, and bottled water.
3. A good film makes you want to:
(1) Practice throat-smashing high kicks, and run into things.
(2) Kiss children and hug your mate (if applicable).
(3) Shuffle off this mortal coil.
4. On Oscar night you:
(1) Played video games until your friend sent you a text message: TURN ON OSCERS [sic] CHECK OUT SCAR-JO’S CRAZY HOTT DRESS. Turned on TV, checked out Scar-Jo’s crazy-hot dress, then resumed playing video games.
(2) Watched every minute: wept with joy for Reese Witherspoon; thought Jon Stewart was kinda funny; thought Isaac Mizrahi was too bitchy.
(3) Were too busy putting the finishing touches on a frame-by-frame analysis of Andrei Rublev for your blog, artnotescape.net. Besides, you feel that the Oscars are nothing more than a money-fuelled collagen pageant and insider love-fest that the beautiful people use to make average folk feel ugly and pathetic. Also, Isaac Mizrahi was a tad too bitchy.
5. The following word(s), when included in a film review, will almost certainly prompt you to see a film:
(1) "Eye-popping," "over-the-top," "thrill-ride."
(2) "Uplifting."
(3) "Divisive," "difficult," "slow," "foreign."
6. For film and entertainment-related news you read:
(1) Whatever’s in the washroom.
(2) Local paper; ads on the sides of buses.
(3) Der Spiegel.
7. The greatest actor of our times is:
(1) Will Farrell.
(2) Nicole Kidman.
(3) Actors are but vessels to be filled with meaning and emotion by a skilled director.
8. The film you are most looking forward to seeing this summer is:
(1) Doesn’t Adam Sandler have something coming out?
(2) That one with Jennifer and Vince.
(3) None; desire is the root of all suffering.
9. Your favourite period in film history is:
(1) Chris Farley: The Early Years.
(2) The '80s heyday of John Hughes.
(3) Eisenstein: The Early Years.
10. Happy endings are:
(1) Awesome.
(2) Better than the alternative.
(3) Deceitful.
Your score:
10-17
You, sir, are no film snob. You use movie time to confront the big questions, like: What would I do if I had to rescue Nathalie Portman and my repeating pulsar cannon jammed? Would I freak? Finding the answers may tax your faculties, but as long as the cars are fast, the guns are big, and the stars are hot, you’re pretty much satisfied. Rest easy in the knowledge that most movies are aimed squarely at you and your friends.
18-24
You’re not terribly snobby when it comes to movies. You want to be entertained, even if that occasionally means having your emotions shamelessly manipulated. Movie time means ninety minutes of you-time, and that’s healthy. Art is okay, as long as it doesn’t become too intrusive. Romantic comedies are made with you in mind.
25-30
Congratulations, you’re an insufferable film snob! The intensity of your snobbiness is matched only by the grandiosity of your opinion of yourself. You feel that movie houses are wasted on the masses, and very possibly that the whole notion of entertainment as we conceive it in the early 21st century is trite and illusory. Not for you the sequels and retreads of standard Hollywood fare; you’re more content to dig for celluloid gold. You’re probably also too busy to have taken this quiz in the first place. Instead you’re online debating with like-minded hermits the merits of a new DVD transfer of an obscure Slovakian documentary. The Internet was pretty much tailor-made for you.
Film snobs: you know them; you loathe them. There they are in the back row of the theatre, inconsiderately calling out plot inconsistencies or shots copied from superior films. They scoff when you tell them how much you’re looking forward to that much-hyped star vehicle. They use adjectives you can’t decipher, and what you consider "boring" they call "masterful." They eschew the multiplex for the repertory theatre, and they love to make you feel shallow. But wait, you enjoyed Sideways and Brokeback Mountain - any chance you’re fixing to join their ranks? Take a few minutes to complete our Film Snob Quiz. Simply add up the numbers of the appropriate answers (1s, 2s and 3s) to these 10 questions, and then find your Snob Quotient using our handy index below. Ready?
1. The highest compliment you can pay a film is:
(1) "The explosions were awesome."
(2) "Cute."
(3) "It demonstrated startling insight into la condition humaine."
2. Your favourite movie-time snack is:
(1) A giant bucket of popcorn smothered in butter-like topping, washed down with about a gallon of cola.
(2) A small bag of popcorn, no topping, and a diet cola, followed within 12 hours by an extra-long session on the elliptical.
(3) Heaps of bitter scorn for the uneducated masses, and bottled water.
3. A good film makes you want to:
(1) Practice throat-smashing high kicks, and run into things.
(2) Kiss children and hug your mate (if applicable).
(3) Shuffle off this mortal coil.
4. On Oscar night you:
(1) Played video games until your friend sent you a text message: TURN ON OSCERS [sic] CHECK OUT SCAR-JO’S CRAZY HOTT DRESS. Turned on TV, checked out Scar-Jo’s crazy-hot dress, then resumed playing video games.
(2) Watched every minute: wept with joy for Reese Witherspoon; thought Jon Stewart was kinda funny; thought Isaac Mizrahi was too bitchy.
(3) Were too busy putting the finishing touches on a frame-by-frame analysis of Andrei Rublev for your blog, artnotescape.net. Besides, you feel that the Oscars are nothing more than a money-fuelled collagen pageant and insider love-fest that the beautiful people use to make average folk feel ugly and pathetic. Also, Isaac Mizrahi was a tad too bitchy.
5. The following word(s), when included in a film review, will almost certainly prompt you to see a film:
(1) "Eye-popping," "over-the-top," "thrill-ride."
(2) "Uplifting."
(3) "Divisive," "difficult," "slow," "foreign."
6. For film and entertainment-related news you read:
(1) Whatever’s in the washroom.
(2) Local paper; ads on the sides of buses.
(3) Der Spiegel.
7. The greatest actor of our times is:
(1) Will Farrell.
(2) Nicole Kidman.
(3) Actors are but vessels to be filled with meaning and emotion by a skilled director.
8. The film you are most looking forward to seeing this summer is:
(1) Doesn’t Adam Sandler have something coming out?
(2) That one with Jennifer and Vince.
(3) None; desire is the root of all suffering.
9. Your favourite period in film history is:
(1) Chris Farley: The Early Years.
(2) The '80s heyday of John Hughes.
(3) Eisenstein: The Early Years.
10. Happy endings are:
(1) Awesome.
(2) Better than the alternative.
(3) Deceitful.
Your score:
10-17
You, sir, are no film snob. You use movie time to confront the big questions, like: What would I do if I had to rescue Nathalie Portman and my repeating pulsar cannon jammed? Would I freak? Finding the answers may tax your faculties, but as long as the cars are fast, the guns are big, and the stars are hot, you’re pretty much satisfied. Rest easy in the knowledge that most movies are aimed squarely at you and your friends.
18-24
You’re not terribly snobby when it comes to movies. You want to be entertained, even if that occasionally means having your emotions shamelessly manipulated. Movie time means ninety minutes of you-time, and that’s healthy. Art is okay, as long as it doesn’t become too intrusive. Romantic comedies are made with you in mind.
25-30
Congratulations, you’re an insufferable film snob! The intensity of your snobbiness is matched only by the grandiosity of your opinion of yourself. You feel that movie houses are wasted on the masses, and very possibly that the whole notion of entertainment as we conceive it in the early 21st century is trite and illusory. Not for you the sequels and retreads of standard Hollywood fare; you’re more content to dig for celluloid gold. You’re probably also too busy to have taken this quiz in the first place. Instead you’re online debating with like-minded hermits the merits of a new DVD transfer of an obscure Slovakian documentary. The Internet was pretty much tailor-made for you.