Demused Disconnection

[josiemonster]

Yesterday, I had this feeling of total paranoia/anxiousness/one-step-away-from-hyperventilating. It was like a palpable sense of impending doom. If I could just reach out and grasp it, my fingers would enclose a cold, death-like.. thing. I don't know. The whole day, I couldn't explain why I felt that way. I talked with Sarah about it at the end of

Comments

[theprimrosepath]

Is it your anger you're afraid of giving substance to, or your vulnerability?

Maybe both?

[josiemonster]

Probably anger because of a feeling of vulnerability. My self-defense mechanism is to get cold, emotionless, and mean when I feel attacked. I learned a lot of that from my father that I never realized until later in life. And that type of anger always lead to him beating us. I never want to lose control like that.

In addition to not liking the taste, it's probably why I don't drink alcohol. I don't like the idea of losing control. I've never taken a drug or even so much as smoked pot. I wouldn't say I'm a "control freak", but I like to be in charge of what I do and not let my senses falter from substance abuse.

[theprimrosepath]

I learned a lot of that from my father that I never realized until later in life.

Learned behaviour can be a scary thing...it becomes so engrained and you don't even realize; before you know it, it feels like instinct.

But there could be such a thing as too much control; sometimes you have to be defenseless, let someone in. It generally leads to a lot of getting hurt, but you probably know that. :) I think if you can find someone who wants to protect your heart as much as you do yourself...you're doing pretty ok in life.

In addition to not liking the taste, it's probably why I don't drink alcohol. I don't like the idea of losing control. I've never taken a drug or even so much as smoked pot. I wouldn't say I'm a "control freak", but I like to be in charge of what I do and not let my senses falter from substance abuse.

I know precisely how you feel, I'm the same way. I hesitate to use the phrase "control freak," too; I don't have to be in charge of everyone or everything. Just myself.

[josiemonster]

**I think if you can find someone who wants to protect your heart as much as you do yourself...you're doing pretty ok in life.**

For all the fights we have, the arguments, the disagreements, the mean things we say to each other, I really, really am completely and totally utterly in love with Sarah. Our fighting is usually a result of not wanting to let go of our control or letting ourselves feel vulnerable. Sometimes I'm just bitchy too. :)

**I know precisely how you feel, I'm the same way. I hesitate to use the phrase "control freak," too; I don't have to be in charge of everyone or everything. Just myself.**

Exactly.