(no subject)
Ever feel like just shooting yourself in the head? Not to die, just to shut yourself up so you can get some sleep. But that's a little dramatic, maybe I just need sleeping pills.
EDIT:
"I see friendship as people who make an effort to stay in contact with you, both people making an effort to mutually be friends. If one friend does all the work, then what's the point? Some of my friends have really enjoyed being friends with me, but eventually just ended up taking advantage of me because I was such a good friend and once I felt that's all that was left, was my being taken advantage of, I stopped being friends with them, much to their surprise. I don't need friends, I'm extremely choosy when it comes to the people I'm friends with, I've never had a lot of friends, but the friends I did make were very good ones, untl of course some of them took advantage of me instead of being a friend to me as well. I'm like this because I've never had a friend that lasted for more than 5 years, ever. A lot of it had to do with always moving around, but mostly because they always turned their back on me at some point or decided other things were more important and tossed me aside."
*talking*
"It hurts too much to get close to someone only to let that happen, so after the last best friend I lost (She was 44 at the time), I decided I'd never let anyone that close ever again, that I'd had my fill of that pain. I'm done with that. I'm not saying the same thing will happen to you Jon, it's just all I can tell you based on my own personal life experience. Be careful. You _are_ different and I'm not just saying that because I'm your Mother. Don't let people take advantage of you and ruin you, but it's hard I know, because you also don't want to just be a loner and never let anyone in, just be careful. Sometimes it's not the people who decide to hurt you, so it's not your fault for letting them close, but their lives who demand they let go of you, just try and think of it like that and if they're _that_ important to you, then all I can say is hold on tight and never let go, because if they're that important, you know it'd hurt more to let them go than to hold on... And if it doesn't work out, then you'll know you saw it through and never gave up. It hurts a lot more when it ends that way, but you'll be thanking yourself years later, knowing you didn't give up and took it that far with someone."
*talking*
"It's a give and take thing Jon, that's why they say "Through the good times and the bad." Because they _know_ there will be some bad times, and your ability to not drift apart from each other during the bad times will decide if you'll be able to _stay_ together. The ones you Love have the best ability to hurt you and sometimes you will end up hurting each other, even if unintentionally and sometimes you can never repair the damage. But if you spend all your time just trying to be careful around the other person, then you never get to really _live_ your life and the good times with them. You may hurt them, but if they really Love you and you really Love them, then you'll surely end up helping, healing and making them happy, more often than you hurt them and that somehow makes the hurt go away a lot of the time."
*talking*
"Some things I swore I would never forgive your Dad for doing to me, saying to me, hurting me somehow. After enough years of being happily married to the man, I just stop caring about what happened then or what he did or said, because _damn!_ He's still here and he still Loves me and dammit I still Love him and we're happy, that's what matters now, not what he did or didn't do and said or didn't say. And besides, he honestly deals with those things a lot better than I do, he can get over anger and loneliness so fast and all I have to do is be there for him, I wish I could be as carefree as that in my own mind sometimes, but I can't, I'm a bitch. *makes a face* And it's not that he's a carefree person, you know that, he worries a lot and is always working to have things for us and everything, but I make him _feel_ like he can _be_ carefree, like if even just for a moment, I can hit the reset button in his mind and he's fine, because I'm there supporting him. But I'm still with him aren't I? Because I know that no matter what happens or how I get, he'll still be here to support me too and saying that now seems obvious, we're 27 years married and have 3 kids! But I felt that way when we were 17 Jon, that's what makes him special. I've loved other guys, had feelings for friends, thought about what my life would be like differently, but without Mark, I just don't think it'd be worth living the rest of my life doing any of it. Mark's the only one who ever made me feel that way and still does."
*lots of reply to that one*
"Well, you know what you want to do. Like you said, even if you end up having to come right back to Nebraska, you'll know you tried, that you did it. You may end up hating it there, or you may end of loving it there."
-----
Then there was more blah blah blah about NZ and the power came back on.
I am so much like my Dad in so many emotional ways. But sometimes I worry I won't be able to live up to the standards he's set for _being_ a husband. He does so much for us and my Mom and all he needs is to know that we appreciate and care. Reminds me of something Tammy told me once, how she wasn't even interested in other guys anymore, beyond "He's cute" or whatever, because no one could reach the standards I'd set. Emotionally I feel I'm very capable of being as caring and Loving as my Dad, but I need a few more years under my belt to be as dependable and hard working as my Dad. If I even end up half the man he is, I'd be proud of myself.
EDIT:
"I see friendship as people who make an effort to stay in contact with you, both people making an effort to mutually be friends. If one friend does all the work, then what's the point? Some of my friends have really enjoyed being friends with me, but eventually just ended up taking advantage of me because I was such a good friend and once I felt that's all that was left, was my being taken advantage of, I stopped being friends with them, much to their surprise. I don't need friends, I'm extremely choosy when it comes to the people I'm friends with, I've never had a lot of friends, but the friends I did make were very good ones, untl of course some of them took advantage of me instead of being a friend to me as well. I'm like this because I've never had a friend that lasted for more than 5 years, ever. A lot of it had to do with always moving around, but mostly because they always turned their back on me at some point or decided other things were more important and tossed me aside."
*talking*
"It hurts too much to get close to someone only to let that happen, so after the last best friend I lost (She was 44 at the time), I decided I'd never let anyone that close ever again, that I'd had my fill of that pain. I'm done with that. I'm not saying the same thing will happen to you Jon, it's just all I can tell you based on my own personal life experience. Be careful. You _are_ different and I'm not just saying that because I'm your Mother. Don't let people take advantage of you and ruin you, but it's hard I know, because you also don't want to just be a loner and never let anyone in, just be careful. Sometimes it's not the people who decide to hurt you, so it's not your fault for letting them close, but their lives who demand they let go of you, just try and think of it like that and if they're _that_ important to you, then all I can say is hold on tight and never let go, because if they're that important, you know it'd hurt more to let them go than to hold on... And if it doesn't work out, then you'll know you saw it through and never gave up. It hurts a lot more when it ends that way, but you'll be thanking yourself years later, knowing you didn't give up and took it that far with someone."
*talking*
"It's a give and take thing Jon, that's why they say "Through the good times and the bad." Because they _know_ there will be some bad times, and your ability to not drift apart from each other during the bad times will decide if you'll be able to _stay_ together. The ones you Love have the best ability to hurt you and sometimes you will end up hurting each other, even if unintentionally and sometimes you can never repair the damage. But if you spend all your time just trying to be careful around the other person, then you never get to really _live_ your life and the good times with them. You may hurt them, but if they really Love you and you really Love them, then you'll surely end up helping, healing and making them happy, more often than you hurt them and that somehow makes the hurt go away a lot of the time."
*talking*
"Some things I swore I would never forgive your Dad for doing to me, saying to me, hurting me somehow. After enough years of being happily married to the man, I just stop caring about what happened then or what he did or said, because _damn!_ He's still here and he still Loves me and dammit I still Love him and we're happy, that's what matters now, not what he did or didn't do and said or didn't say. And besides, he honestly deals with those things a lot better than I do, he can get over anger and loneliness so fast and all I have to do is be there for him, I wish I could be as carefree as that in my own mind sometimes, but I can't, I'm a bitch. *makes a face* And it's not that he's a carefree person, you know that, he worries a lot and is always working to have things for us and everything, but I make him _feel_ like he can _be_ carefree, like if even just for a moment, I can hit the reset button in his mind and he's fine, because I'm there supporting him. But I'm still with him aren't I? Because I know that no matter what happens or how I get, he'll still be here to support me too and saying that now seems obvious, we're 27 years married and have 3 kids! But I felt that way when we were 17 Jon, that's what makes him special. I've loved other guys, had feelings for friends, thought about what my life would be like differently, but without Mark, I just don't think it'd be worth living the rest of my life doing any of it. Mark's the only one who ever made me feel that way and still does."
*lots of reply to that one*
"Well, you know what you want to do. Like you said, even if you end up having to come right back to Nebraska, you'll know you tried, that you did it. You may end up hating it there, or you may end of loving it there."
-----
Then there was more blah blah blah about NZ and the power came back on.
I am so much like my Dad in so many emotional ways. But sometimes I worry I won't be able to live up to the standards he's set for _being_ a husband. He does so much for us and my Mom and all he needs is to know that we appreciate and care. Reminds me of something Tammy told me once, how she wasn't even interested in other guys anymore, beyond "He's cute" or whatever, because no one could reach the standards I'd set. Emotionally I feel I'm very capable of being as caring and Loving as my Dad, but I need a few more years under my belt to be as dependable and hard working as my Dad. If I even end up half the man he is, I'd be proud of myself.