Oral Sex and Me
So far in my 3 real relationships I have tried to participate in oral sex. Both giving, and in some cases, receiving. In some cases I've been frankly told I suck at it (no pun intended, but in the 'you are terrible' way). But I think there's a reason for this.
I hate it.
I am not saying this from a moral, religious or biological standpoint, but from a personal, sexual and possibly psychological place, but it feels utterly and completely WRONG. I appreciate, respect and completely envy that others like it, and for a while I really thought I should do everything I could to force myself to be that way. I can't really believe at this point that it is possible, or the right choice for myself.
In fact except from the submissive side, there's nothing about it that feels right. Most of the time it makes me feel really bad, actually. In fact, I can't think of more than 2 experiences doing it that did NOT leave me either on the verge of, or actually in tears. At that point it seems to be a matter of feeling humiliated at doing something that goes against everything in me. In fact (Be prepared for TMI...) even anal sex isn't as bad or humiliating as more than like 2 minutes of oral sex. And only once (Again, here comes way TMI) has anyone ejaculated in my mouth, and it's the second closest to vomiting because of someone else EVER. The first time was when I got rammed in the stomach with someone's head, and at least that time I didn't want to just die..
For the most part I mean this in the 'giving' sense. When it comes to receiving, it's like 'oh, ick, why would you want to do that?' but my body does respond in some of the right ways- you know, nerves are nerves, but it still doesn't feel right. At least I don't feel sick in my mind from it.
I have always done it out of love, or submission, or both- and for the most part it hasn't been abused, but when someone feels anything this strongly, is it right to even accept or offer it? I don't know. I know I will still never say no, I'll do my best, get over the emotions caused by it after it's been over for a half hour or so, and if needed I'll even pretend I'm happy to do it.. but MAN it's good to not hold it all in my head anymore!