Enough issues to fill an asylum...
So here I am at 11:30pm on a Friday night, sitting at my computer updating my journal. Not from lack of a social life, nor really because I have work tomorrow at 10:30am. No, I'm updating because:
So tonight I was invited round to Dan and Andy's place for drinks. At first I wasn't really keen on going because my stomach has been a bit dodgy this past week and hey, the whole work thing. But Andy managed to talk me into it, so both me and my brother headed round about 8:30pm.
Everything was going really well, it was a nice chilled atmosphere and we were starting off with a few easy drinking games before working our way up to the notorious "Circle of Death" game. And as usually happens, because I was the only female there, I was being regarded as one more of the boys. Of course, that's because I can be just as crass and rude as them.
And hey, you know it's fine. They're all friends of mine (or friends of friends so them perving at me would just be, you know, weird).
But then, the girls showed up and the whole dynamic changed. At least for me because one of the girls in question was wearing a dress that barely covered anything and rode up whenever she sat down. And it was immediate from the moment that she stepped in the room that every single male's attention was on her and it made me PAINFULLY aware that I was sitting there in a denim skirt and faded 'Transformers' t-shirt. Made me wish that I'd at least worn a nice top, or put on some makeup or even shaved my goddamn legs.
You know what I mean? I know it's crazy but you get a little glow of satisfaction when you realise some random guy has been checking you out - or at least I do. And beside a girl like that, I don't stand a chance.
As a result I felt grumpy and out of sorts and just couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. So when they started talking about heading into town to hit the clubs, I made a very speedy getaway.
I have problems with self-esteem. I know this and I'm slowly working on it, but this kinda thing really does put a dent in it. Because I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I just can't help it.
I want to be happy with who and what I am. But that's hard, when what I am is a chronically depressed, mildly obese 25 (nearly 26) year old.
Fuck. I know how bad that sounds, but I needed to get it out. Alcohol usually makes me pretty damn chipper, but tonight it's just greased the wheels for the pity-party. Screw it, I'm going to bed. Hopefully things will be better tomorrow.
Night everyone.
So tonight I was invited round to Dan and Andy's place for drinks. At first I wasn't really keen on going because my stomach has been a bit dodgy this past week and hey, the whole work thing. But Andy managed to talk me into it, so both me and my brother headed round about 8:30pm.
Everything was going really well, it was a nice chilled atmosphere and we were starting off with a few easy drinking games before working our way up to the notorious "Circle of Death" game. And as usually happens, because I was the only female there, I was being regarded as one more of the boys. Of course, that's because I can be just as crass and rude as them.
And hey, you know it's fine. They're all friends of mine (or friends of friends so them perving at me would just be, you know, weird).
But then, the girls showed up and the whole dynamic changed. At least for me because one of the girls in question was wearing a dress that barely covered anything and rode up whenever she sat down. And it was immediate from the moment that she stepped in the room that every single male's attention was on her and it made me PAINFULLY aware that I was sitting there in a denim skirt and faded 'Transformers' t-shirt. Made me wish that I'd at least worn a nice top, or put on some makeup or even shaved my goddamn legs.
You know what I mean? I know it's crazy but you get a little glow of satisfaction when you realise some random guy has been checking you out - or at least I do. And beside a girl like that, I don't stand a chance.
As a result I felt grumpy and out of sorts and just couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. So when they started talking about heading into town to hit the clubs, I made a very speedy getaway.
I have problems with self-esteem. I know this and I'm slowly working on it, but this kinda thing really does put a dent in it. Because I look in the mirror and hate what I see. I just can't help it.
I want to be happy with who and what I am. But that's hard, when what I am is a chronically depressed, mildly obese 25 (nearly 26) year old.
Fuck. I know how bad that sounds, but I needed to get it out. Alcohol usually makes me pretty damn chipper, but tonight it's just greased the wheels for the pity-party. Screw it, I'm going to bed. Hopefully things will be better tomorrow.
Night everyone.