Comments | joyciel: Brigit's Flame: January, Week 2

joyciel

Brigit's Flame: January, Week 2

Jan 12, 2011 00:36

I'm being a bit presumptuous but I think I might make it and this prompt kinda came quickly to me so I'll just post now.

Prompt: Smashing Pumpkins (another band that I never listened to lol)

Title: Pies, Cars, and Other Wrong Metaphors
Warning: Few incidents of swearing but nothing graphic

( Women, they're just like pies )

brigit's flame

Comments 7

yuunaluna January 12 2011, 20:30:45 UTC

The premise of this is really cute. (I went a similar route since I don't know much about Smashing Pumpkins either.) And I think you do a nice job of creating likable, relatable characters. However, I don't think the progression of events is realistic enough to make the piece work ( ... )

joyciel January 12 2011, 23:04:32 UTC

Wow a lot of notes, very helpful. Lot of work to do lol.

I guess I should have made it more clear that it was another pie that was in the oven previously.

Oh...oh no they're not in a relationship, did it come off that way?

yuunaluna January 12 2011, 23:11:46 UTC

Well I couldn't tell if it was just playful banter between two friends or if they were in an actual relationship. I went with the latter just because there's a decent amount of lesbian-age in people's writing at BF. My mistake!

I figured that was what you were going for with the pie, but if you stated that explicitly it would be really helpful to the reader.

But really, though. You've got a good base here!

belluminabyssus January 17 2011, 16:30:31 UTC

This is a very cute story, and a good take on the prompt -- well done! This was not an easy one. :)

A few notes: You switch tenses a couple of times; nothing that a good once-over won't fix. Also, there's a confusion issue when David and Thomas are introduced:

The team sat down on the big sofa where the owner greeted them. “Thomas!” Jesse smiled and gave him a hug. She dropped her cheery demeanour however when she asked, “Is he here?”

“Missed me?” Jesse’s glared.

“Yea my punching bag just broke and thought I needed a new one.”

“Oh always so unladylike.”

The room fell silent. “Um…” Beth spoke up, “hey David, what are you making today?”So you have Jesse talking to Thomas about whether David is here. And then SOMEONE says "Missed me?" and Jesse's (is there supposed to be another word here, or is it just Jesse?) glares. When did David come into the conversation? He seems to have taken it over before Thomas can get a word in, and yet the reader doesn't know David has entered until Beth asks him a question ( ... )

rubyelf January 17 2011, 22:04:18 UTC

Getting back at someone obnoxious and rude is always so satisfying!The baker is unquestionably the kind of jerk that invites such revenge. The mental image of a pie getting hit with a baseball bat is very amusing. You've got some grammar and punctuation errors to address, but the lovely editors will assist you with those, and they won't be hard to fix. The comment above that suggests Jesse comes off as "batshit unstable" does have a point... either she's got a tendency for destruction or she hates this guy a lot more than we realize. Either way, giving her the proper motivation will make her reaction make sense. This is a funny piece and an easy read... I like it!

blythe025 January 19 2011, 18:54:05 UTC

Wow. I love Jesse. Though the pie thing was rude, it was still pretty awesome.

Overall the story was great. It hooked me in, and was written rather well. :)

Editing Comments fawatson January 29 2011, 12:40:13 UTC

Sorry for being so late with these editing suggestions. I get the impression you had trouble with this prompt, which may account for its unevenness. I’ve read the other comments and suggestions to your story, which I agree with, and I will try my best not to repeat them ( ... )