SPN: Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things Coda
Oy. This week's coda totally kicked my ass. That, or my muse just wanted an excuse to watch the episode over and over again. *narrows eyes*
Anyway, *kisskisskiss* and thanks to tvm, starsouls1013 and fryadvocate for helping me work out the kinks.
Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things Coda
"I never should have come back, Sam. It wasn't natural, and now look what's come of it. I was dead. I should have stayed dead." Dean says it with such conviction that Sam has to resist the sudden urge to salt the ground around them, lest whatever brought Dean back reconsider.
"You wanted to know how I was feeling, well that's it." The composure Dean's been so obviously trying to maintain finally slips away. "So tell me. What could you possibly say that will make that alright?" He asks the question like it's redundant, but his look of quiet desperation is pleading. Give me a reason.
It slices through Sam, sharp and burning and for a moment he's so overwhelmed by Dean's pain that he can't breathe.
Sam tries to remember that this is what he wanted. For them to get everything out in the open, because keeping all that inside was killing Dean. He's been teetering on the edge since Dad's death and something had to give. Except that it's out there now, and Sam has no idea what to say that will fix it. So he says the only thing he can think of.
"I need you."
Dean takes a deep, shuddering breath and shakes his head.
"I need you, Dean," Sam says again. "I can't do this without you. I can't--" He blinks a few times, aware of the tears sliding down Dean's cheeks. "That may be horrible. And selfish. But I can't regret--"
"Sam." Dean's voice is low and broken, and Sam knows that what he has to say is nothing Dean wants to hear.
Sam closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "I can't regret that it's you here instead of Dad."
"Shut up."
"I’m glad you're alive," Sam whispers. "You deserve to be alive."
Dean stills at that, and turns to look at Sam, eyes narrowed with suspicion. "And Dad doesn't?"
"If I had to make a choice?" Sam asks sharply. It's not really a valid question, because if Sam had to make a choice-- Sam couldn't have made that choice, but before he can say anything else, he's pinned to the hood of the car, Dean's fists twisted in his shirt.
"Take it back." Dean is pissed now, his jaw clenching as he waits for Sam to speak.
Sam shakes his head and gets lifted and slammed back down for the effort. He couldn't have made the choice, but if he had to, it would always be Dean.
"Dammit, Sam. Take it back!"
"You think after everything that's happened in our lives that you don't deserve--"
"Don't!" Dean cuts him off with another shake, but Sam refuses to listen.
"You think that Dad didn't deserve to make that decision?" Sam pushes Dean back and sits up, and Dean just sort of lets him. "If Dad's dead because of you, then it was his call. Because that's the only way that sonofabitch could have taken Dad out and you know it."
The fight goes out of Dean as quickly as it came and he rubs his hand over his face. "Doesn't make a difference."
"Doesn't it? You think you're the only one who'd... the only one who'd die for us?" Sam runs a hand through his hair and sighs. "Jesus, Dean. Dad loved you. He would have done anything for you. Don't let that be meaningless."
Dean bites his lip and looks away. After what seems like hours, he finally says, "I miss him so much, I can't... I never wanted that. Never."
"Yeah," Sam says. "I know." He watches as Dean turns away from him and hopes that whatever else may come, they get through it together. Because Sam wouldn't hesitate to give his life for Dean's and he can't think of a more surefire way of destroying them both.
Anyway, *kisskisskiss* and thanks to tvm, starsouls1013 and fryadvocate for helping me work out the kinks.
Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things Coda
"I never should have come back, Sam. It wasn't natural, and now look what's come of it. I was dead. I should have stayed dead." Dean says it with such conviction that Sam has to resist the sudden urge to salt the ground around them, lest whatever brought Dean back reconsider.
"You wanted to know how I was feeling, well that's it." The composure Dean's been so obviously trying to maintain finally slips away. "So tell me. What could you possibly say that will make that alright?" He asks the question like it's redundant, but his look of quiet desperation is pleading. Give me a reason.
It slices through Sam, sharp and burning and for a moment he's so overwhelmed by Dean's pain that he can't breathe.
Sam tries to remember that this is what he wanted. For them to get everything out in the open, because keeping all that inside was killing Dean. He's been teetering on the edge since Dad's death and something had to give. Except that it's out there now, and Sam has no idea what to say that will fix it. So he says the only thing he can think of.
"I need you."
Dean takes a deep, shuddering breath and shakes his head.
"I need you, Dean," Sam says again. "I can't do this without you. I can't--" He blinks a few times, aware of the tears sliding down Dean's cheeks. "That may be horrible. And selfish. But I can't regret--"
"Sam." Dean's voice is low and broken, and Sam knows that what he has to say is nothing Dean wants to hear.
Sam closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "I can't regret that it's you here instead of Dad."
"Shut up."
"I’m glad you're alive," Sam whispers. "You deserve to be alive."
Dean stills at that, and turns to look at Sam, eyes narrowed with suspicion. "And Dad doesn't?"
"If I had to make a choice?" Sam asks sharply. It's not really a valid question, because if Sam had to make a choice-- Sam couldn't have made that choice, but before he can say anything else, he's pinned to the hood of the car, Dean's fists twisted in his shirt.
"Take it back." Dean is pissed now, his jaw clenching as he waits for Sam to speak.
Sam shakes his head and gets lifted and slammed back down for the effort. He couldn't have made the choice, but if he had to, it would always be Dean.
"Dammit, Sam. Take it back!"
"You think after everything that's happened in our lives that you don't deserve--"
"Don't!" Dean cuts him off with another shake, but Sam refuses to listen.
"You think that Dad didn't deserve to make that decision?" Sam pushes Dean back and sits up, and Dean just sort of lets him. "If Dad's dead because of you, then it was his call. Because that's the only way that sonofabitch could have taken Dad out and you know it."
The fight goes out of Dean as quickly as it came and he rubs his hand over his face. "Doesn't make a difference."
"Doesn't it? You think you're the only one who'd... the only one who'd die for us?" Sam runs a hand through his hair and sighs. "Jesus, Dean. Dad loved you. He would have done anything for you. Don't let that be meaningless."
Dean bites his lip and looks away. After what seems like hours, he finally says, "I miss him so much, I can't... I never wanted that. Never."
"Yeah," Sam says. "I know." He watches as Dean turns away from him and hopes that whatever else may come, they get through it together. Because Sam wouldn't hesitate to give his life for Dean's and he can't think of a more surefire way of destroying them both.