Rant about public perceptions of sex and the phenomenon of slut-shaming
Let's talk about sex.
I know most of you probably watch Glee, considering I met most of you through puckurt I can safely say that. So, most of you are probably thinking, why the hell didn't you talk about this after last weeks episode?
I've got no solid answer on that one. I'm guessing A- stupidity and B- I was happy (not completely, but when can you be?) with the message that Glee sent out. Now, I'm not so sure that everyone is getting the message I'm about to send out. I know a lot of people won't agree with me and that's cool. Feel free to express that here and I'll be more than happy to have an honest and mature debate with anyone (generally about anything).
What I want to say is, sex isn't what you think it is.
Lesson A- sex doesn't mean what you think it does
Everyone tells us that sex should be an expression of love between two people who are committed to one another. I agree that sex CAN be that, but just can not must. Sex is not fundamentally an act of love. It can be the ultimate expression of love between two people, it can also just be a great fuck that means nothing more than that. If you want to have sex, be safe, know what your risks are, and be honest to yourself and your partner about what that act means.
I'm not saying that everyone should go out and have sex right now. I'm not even saying that you SHOULD view sex as a non-emotional act, if that's not right for you. What I am saying is that you should never let anyone make you feel ashamed for having casual sex. If you were responsible not only with you and your partners physical health but also your emotional health as well, what you did was fun and (hopefully) a great experience. And if you feel that sex should be more than casual, I'm pleading with you... do not shame anyone who does not share your view.
Lesson B- You do not get to tell anyone else what it means for them
Sex is one of the most important parts of life, whether we end up having it or not, the road to deciding what sex means to you is a long and important one. I'm proud of all of you that have figured it out. Who knows when I will. But just because you've found, or think you've found, the right answer for you does not mean you are allowed to be mean and cruel to those who are different.
You want to wait until marriage to have sex? It's beyond awesome that you've been honest enough with yourself to figure out that out. You think sex is something special between two people who love, or at least hold affection, for one another? I'm glad that you are able to see everything in such an amazing, special way. You've decided, for whatever reason, that sex just isn't for you (no matter how long we're talking about)? You are amazingly self-aware and I applaud you so hard my hands bleed.
I accept all of your decisions and am beyond proud that you could actually sit down and think about it before diving in head first. I just cannot, and never will be able to, accept that another person would belittle someone else for making such a personal and important decision. Slut, just might be the ugliest word in the English language, behind hate, for me. Slut-shaming IS bullying.
I know that pretty much all of you are THE most open minded people I will ever have the privilege of knowing, but there are just some things we don't THINK about. You may never consciously be hateful to someone because of their sexuality (yes that does include more than if you're gay/bi/straight/whatever), but all of us have more than likely made a comment about someone else that deprecated them in a sexual way. You've probably used the word slut, you've probably made a judgment about someone based on their sexual history or the way the portray their sexuality to the world at large. You may not have been saying it to someone in the room, you may not have even been saying it about someone you know, hell it may not have even been an actual person, but someone heard you say it and knew that you would think less of them if they had done the same.
So, just think before you say things. You are hurting the people you care about, the people who you share your thoughts with by saying these things. I just with to urge everyone to first be open and honest with yourself about what sex means to you and then realize that you are not the end of the conversation. People will have different thoughts about EVERYTHING than you for the rest of your life, learn to deal with them and move on.
I hope all of you are saying to yourselves "duh, everything she just said was completely pointless, of course I shouldn't judge someone based on how much or how little sex they've had or how they chose to show themselves to the world." For those of you who aren't I hope you come away with something, even if it wasn't what I was trying to say.
and finally...
Lesson C- Be an aware sexual citizen
I know that everyone has different causes they hold close to their heart, but please take time to learn what you really NEED to know. First, make sure you know at the very least the basic mechanics of sex before you have it. Second, make sure you make and educated decision about when, how and with whom to have sex with on your own! Get information from trusted sources, yes; let them make the decision for you, no. And finally, learn about what's going on in the world of sexual politics, it's important that you understand that Planned Parenthood is being attacked in Congress because one day you'll need to get an STI test and you'll wonder where you'll go to now!
I just love you all so much and I want you to be safe. A very good friend of mine recently called me to tell me that he just got a positive syphilis test. It is such a relief that what he contracted is cureable, and scary as hell that it could have been so much worse. He is such a smart guy, but all it took was one little mistake and now he has to constantly worry because the HIV test he got won't be 100% sure until he takes another one months from now. I want to hear good things from all of you, not that something awful happened.
Now with my, most likely self-righteous, rant done I would like to give you guys some sex goodies.
First my favorite blog of all time, it's called It's just sex and you can find it here. It's a tumblr blog, but she also had an RSS feed that you can follow if you do not have tumblr. Christine is a personal hero of mine and just such an amazing person. If you have any question that you don't feel you could ask anyone, ask Christine. She's super knowledgeable, supportive, and frank.
Now some videos, I picked these up from It's just sex.
Planned Parenthood Video about condoms
What I really want to know is what you have questions about, have to say, really want to get off your chest about sex (or really anything)!
I know most of you probably watch Glee, considering I met most of you through puckurt I can safely say that. So, most of you are probably thinking, why the hell didn't you talk about this after last weeks episode?
I've got no solid answer on that one. I'm guessing A- stupidity and B- I was happy (not completely, but when can you be?) with the message that Glee sent out. Now, I'm not so sure that everyone is getting the message I'm about to send out. I know a lot of people won't agree with me and that's cool. Feel free to express that here and I'll be more than happy to have an honest and mature debate with anyone (generally about anything).
What I want to say is, sex isn't what you think it is.
Lesson A- sex doesn't mean what you think it does
Everyone tells us that sex should be an expression of love between two people who are committed to one another. I agree that sex CAN be that, but just can not must. Sex is not fundamentally an act of love. It can be the ultimate expression of love between two people, it can also just be a great fuck that means nothing more than that. If you want to have sex, be safe, know what your risks are, and be honest to yourself and your partner about what that act means.
I'm not saying that everyone should go out and have sex right now. I'm not even saying that you SHOULD view sex as a non-emotional act, if that's not right for you. What I am saying is that you should never let anyone make you feel ashamed for having casual sex. If you were responsible not only with you and your partners physical health but also your emotional health as well, what you did was fun and (hopefully) a great experience. And if you feel that sex should be more than casual, I'm pleading with you... do not shame anyone who does not share your view.
Lesson B- You do not get to tell anyone else what it means for them
Sex is one of the most important parts of life, whether we end up having it or not, the road to deciding what sex means to you is a long and important one. I'm proud of all of you that have figured it out. Who knows when I will. But just because you've found, or think you've found, the right answer for you does not mean you are allowed to be mean and cruel to those who are different.
You want to wait until marriage to have sex? It's beyond awesome that you've been honest enough with yourself to figure out that out. You think sex is something special between two people who love, or at least hold affection, for one another? I'm glad that you are able to see everything in such an amazing, special way. You've decided, for whatever reason, that sex just isn't for you (no matter how long we're talking about)? You are amazingly self-aware and I applaud you so hard my hands bleed.
I accept all of your decisions and am beyond proud that you could actually sit down and think about it before diving in head first. I just cannot, and never will be able to, accept that another person would belittle someone else for making such a personal and important decision. Slut, just might be the ugliest word in the English language, behind hate, for me. Slut-shaming IS bullying.
I know that pretty much all of you are THE most open minded people I will ever have the privilege of knowing, but there are just some things we don't THINK about. You may never consciously be hateful to someone because of their sexuality (yes that does include more than if you're gay/bi/straight/whatever), but all of us have more than likely made a comment about someone else that deprecated them in a sexual way. You've probably used the word slut, you've probably made a judgment about someone based on their sexual history or the way the portray their sexuality to the world at large. You may not have been saying it to someone in the room, you may not have even been saying it about someone you know, hell it may not have even been an actual person, but someone heard you say it and knew that you would think less of them if they had done the same.
So, just think before you say things. You are hurting the people you care about, the people who you share your thoughts with by saying these things. I just with to urge everyone to first be open and honest with yourself about what sex means to you and then realize that you are not the end of the conversation. People will have different thoughts about EVERYTHING than you for the rest of your life, learn to deal with them and move on.
I hope all of you are saying to yourselves "duh, everything she just said was completely pointless, of course I shouldn't judge someone based on how much or how little sex they've had or how they chose to show themselves to the world." For those of you who aren't I hope you come away with something, even if it wasn't what I was trying to say.
and finally...
Lesson C- Be an aware sexual citizen
I know that everyone has different causes they hold close to their heart, but please take time to learn what you really NEED to know. First, make sure you know at the very least the basic mechanics of sex before you have it. Second, make sure you make and educated decision about when, how and with whom to have sex with on your own! Get information from trusted sources, yes; let them make the decision for you, no. And finally, learn about what's going on in the world of sexual politics, it's important that you understand that Planned Parenthood is being attacked in Congress because one day you'll need to get an STI test and you'll wonder where you'll go to now!
I just love you all so much and I want you to be safe. A very good friend of mine recently called me to tell me that he just got a positive syphilis test. It is such a relief that what he contracted is cureable, and scary as hell that it could have been so much worse. He is such a smart guy, but all it took was one little mistake and now he has to constantly worry because the HIV test he got won't be 100% sure until he takes another one months from now. I want to hear good things from all of you, not that something awful happened.
Now with my, most likely self-righteous, rant done I would like to give you guys some sex goodies.
First my favorite blog of all time, it's called It's just sex and you can find it here. It's a tumblr blog, but she also had an RSS feed that you can follow if you do not have tumblr. Christine is a personal hero of mine and just such an amazing person. If you have any question that you don't feel you could ask anyone, ask Christine. She's super knowledgeable, supportive, and frank.
Now some videos, I picked these up from It's just sex.
Planned Parenthood Video about condoms
Click to viewWhat I really want to know is what you have questions about, have to say, really want to get off your chest about sex (or really anything)!