Fic: The Sound of Silence
It didn’t surprise Puck that Brittany came up to him after the funeral. Most people had; it was considered polite he guessed to give your condolences to the boyfriend of the deceased. What surprised him was that she waited until everyone else had gone home, even the Hummel-Hudson clan, and that she wouldn’t speak. She just sat down next to him on the ground in the small garden where the funeral had been held and put her head on his shoulder. Puck had been glad for Brittany during this, after Burt she was probably the only one who really understood that Kurt meant something to him, that it wasn’t just a fling, that he really was in love with Kurt. More than that, he was glad for her silence. Brittany was so in tuned with how everyone around her was feeling and she could clearly feel that he didn’t want to talk about it. He just wanted to sit in a garden with a friend and remember Kurt.
He could still remember every little detail about Kurt and because he knew every little detail about Kurt, he knew he wouldn’t forever. Kurt would talk about his mother, when they were in parks mainly, late at night, and he would tell Puck just how little he remembered about his mother and how quickly it all vanished. He still had her things, pictures, books, clothing, to remember her by but the vision that was his mother had faded and he could hardly even make her out in his mind anymore without a picture to help him remember. Puck didn’t want to forget, he wanted to be able to tell their child every little detail about Kurt; how amazing he was at everything he tried and yet how unsure he was of himself, how Kurt would wake up just a few minutes earlier in the morning than Puck and yet get so much more done before they both walked out the door, how beautiful Kurt looked when he was driving. Here with Brittany, sitting in the grass where Kurt was memorialized only a few minutes ago, he could almost bear the thought of losing the only thing he had left of Kurt; his memory.
“I’m sorry” Brittany whispered, sounding as though she barely dared to disturb the silence. “I’m sorry I couldn’t even think about him during the service.”
Puck had never known what to do with a crying woman until now. Somehow though, he just wrapped the arm that had been around his knees around her waist and held her tight until she could speak again.
“I loved Kurt so much and I couldn’t even focus on him at his own funeral. He was so nice; he was the only person to ever ask my help for anything. He would always come to you like you were so important, like no one else in the world could do the things you could do. He made me feel so special and I let him down. I just wish he was here so I could ask him to forgive me, but he’s not and it makes it so much worse.” Puck was sure that Brittany wasn’t even speaking to him anymore, that she wasn’t even aware of what she was saying, her words just growing like cancer.
“You want to hear a story about Kurt, Brittany?” Puck asked softly, speaking for the first time that day.
Brittany nodded.
“The first time I really got to know Kurt was when I helped Finn and his mom move from their old house to the new one. Finn would take the boxes from his house, load them into the truck and drive them over so I could unload them and put them wherever Kurt told me too. I still don’t understand how Kurt and I ended up in the house all alone that day, and despite the fact that it lead to today I wouldn’t give it up for anything. Kurt wasn’t how I thought he would be. I guess he didn’t feel like he had to protect himself in his own house, even from me. He did make you feel so fucking special; it was like a stadium full of people shouting your name coming from one person. He made all of those stupid little things that you’re embarrassed to love, so impossibly cool. But that day, that day, he made me realize how special he was. I was just his step-brother’s friend, not even best anymore, and he made me feel like I was coming home. From that first box I lifted up and put into the kitchen, he was so relaxed and excited, it was like it was our house that we were moving into. He made me feel like I had a family, like I had someone counting on me, expecting me not to screw up. We spent that entire day together basically playing house and I have never felt more like myself than on that day.
“I want you to have that Brittany. You shouldn’t feel guilty about thinking about San during the funeral; Kurt would be glad that something good could come from his death. You should feel proud that you can make all of this bullshit worth something. Kurt would want you to be as happy as we were. The only thing to feel guilty about is letting her slip away this long.”
“I can’t just break up with Artie, I love him, I couldn’t hurt him like that,” Brittany argued, tears still making their way down her face.
“Brittany, you hurt everyone either way. If I’m anything, I’m proof of that. I got everything I wanted and it still ended badly. You hurt him by leaving, you hurt her by staying, and you hurt yourself living in limbo. But as someone who just lost who was definitely the father of my child and probably the love of my life, I’ve got to say…Artie will get over it. Santana would probably get over it eventually too. The only question here is, can you really give up the chance to have something so special you don’t know how to live in a world where it’s not there anymore? I had it, and I may have to sleep in Kurt’s bed for the rest of my life to get a decent night’s sleep, but nothing will ever make me regret it. You’ve got to do what makes you happy Britt, because after everything else is gone, all you have is those memories and any regrets you carry with you.” Puck answered falling away from her so that he could stand and breathe in the air of the place properly.
“Do you regret anything?” Brittany asked quietly lying down on the grass, unable to follow.
“I regret not telling Kurt exactly what he meant to me. I regret that he didn’t get the chance to know he was going to be a father. I regret that Kurt never got to know just how much I miss him now that he’s gone.” Puck answered honestly “You want to know what I don’t regret?”
Brittany nodded.
“I don’t regret being with him. I don’t regret the things I had to give up to do that. I don’t regret letting everyone know just how much I love him.” Puck said pulling Brittany up from the grass and into a full body hug “I also don’t regret that I get to get fat in a few months and no one can say shit to me for it,”
Brittany didn’t laugh as he wanted her to, but he could feel her smile against his neck as he rubbed her back. Puck hoped that he helped change something today, because if he couldn’t get someone to remember this day as something other than Kurt’s funeral he might just end up feeling guilty himself. Picking Brittany up bridal-style, Puck carried her to his truck parked just outside the gates of the garden.
“I’m either driving you back to Kurt’s with me and forcing you to wallow with me or I can take you to Artie’s then San’s and you can give me something better to remember this day for than just my boyfriend’s funeral. Which will it be?”
“Can I have both?” Brittany asked leaning back against the seat and closing her eyes. Puck let the silence settle back in, swallowing the conversation. The sound of it was so loud Puck begged for it to quiet it down, begged it just to let him speak, even if only just to the silence itself.
“You can have anything you want, Brit, you’ve just got to ask for it.” Puck finally answered her starting up the engine and driving towards the Abrams’ house. More than anything Puck wished the same could be said for him. More than anything Puck wished all it would take would be just to ask and get Kurt back.
All Puck wanted was Kurt back.