Trigger warning: suicide
Either I've completely lost it, or I'm finally okay.
Last night I decided to kill myself. I haven't decided how or when, but I have decided that I am done.
I'm concerned that the coroner at my inquest will determine that the balance of my mind was disturbed. I believe my thinking is quite rational. I have an illness of which there is no cure. It causes me to be in constant pain, as such my quality of life is minimal. If somebody with a degenerative physical disease presented with these symptoms, it would be a difficult decision true, but nobody would suggest they were irrational in choosing death. Why is the same not applied to mental illness?
This links to one of my bigger thoughts - that is our society's preoccupation with quantity over quality. We spend much of our time focusing on money and not on whether that increased wealth actually improves people's lives. It's mostly an ease thing, I'm sure. You can put a number on how much a mother earns - the value of her providing emotional well-being amongst other things to her child is far more nebulous. So we push mothers to go back to work as soon as possible. (There are other reasons, but I don't have the energy to continue expanding on all society's flaws right now.)
My point is, I see no benefit in living to 80 if the vast majority of that time is spent being miserable. And upon reaching that realisation last night, I've never felt better. I had a good night's sleep with no nightmares.
I don't really have affairs to tidy up, which is fortunate. I don't owe anybody any money, except the Student Loans Company, and they were never going to get their money anyway. I've got a few books that I've borrowed from others, which I plan to return quite soon. Nobody's depending on me for anything - if I do have anything of yours or if there's something you need from me, please let me know as soon as possible.
I have enough money in my savings to pay for my funeral, so I shouldn't cost my parents much. I'm not the type to make funeral plans - I've always believed that funerals are for comforting the people left behind. I'm gone, what you do means nothing to me.
So, yeah. Before you say anything, yes I have spoken to my psychotherapist, no I am not an immediate danger to myself - at the moment I'm thinking some time in the new year. Originally I thought next week, but that wouldn't give me enough time to tie up all the loose ends. I'd like to die in a manner that is convenient to as many as possible, which requires a little more planning and forethought.
Now you tell me - do I sound like I've completely lost it, or am I finally okay?
Last night I decided to kill myself. I haven't decided how or when, but I have decided that I am done.
I'm concerned that the coroner at my inquest will determine that the balance of my mind was disturbed. I believe my thinking is quite rational. I have an illness of which there is no cure. It causes me to be in constant pain, as such my quality of life is minimal. If somebody with a degenerative physical disease presented with these symptoms, it would be a difficult decision true, but nobody would suggest they were irrational in choosing death. Why is the same not applied to mental illness?
This links to one of my bigger thoughts - that is our society's preoccupation with quantity over quality. We spend much of our time focusing on money and not on whether that increased wealth actually improves people's lives. It's mostly an ease thing, I'm sure. You can put a number on how much a mother earns - the value of her providing emotional well-being amongst other things to her child is far more nebulous. So we push mothers to go back to work as soon as possible. (There are other reasons, but I don't have the energy to continue expanding on all society's flaws right now.)
My point is, I see no benefit in living to 80 if the vast majority of that time is spent being miserable. And upon reaching that realisation last night, I've never felt better. I had a good night's sleep with no nightmares.
I don't really have affairs to tidy up, which is fortunate. I don't owe anybody any money, except the Student Loans Company, and they were never going to get their money anyway. I've got a few books that I've borrowed from others, which I plan to return quite soon. Nobody's depending on me for anything - if I do have anything of yours or if there's something you need from me, please let me know as soon as possible.
I have enough money in my savings to pay for my funeral, so I shouldn't cost my parents much. I'm not the type to make funeral plans - I've always believed that funerals are for comforting the people left behind. I'm gone, what you do means nothing to me.
So, yeah. Before you say anything, yes I have spoken to my psychotherapist, no I am not an immediate danger to myself - at the moment I'm thinking some time in the new year. Originally I thought next week, but that wouldn't give me enough time to tie up all the loose ends. I'd like to die in a manner that is convenient to as many as possible, which requires a little more planning and forethought.
Now you tell me - do I sound like I've completely lost it, or am I finally okay?