Was supposed to have posted this on Sunday, oh well!
Read this if you want, I am just puting it here for reference!
*shudder*
Ok lets get this farce over and done with!
To be perfectly honest with anyone who reads this I hate journals!
The reason: They require me to talk about my self!
And my problem with this is that from as early as I can remeber I have been trained conditioned to always put others first and yes I am sure that most of people had a similar type of upbringing, but last night at the dinner table, we got into a discussion about how my brother and I have grown up and thankfully my brother is away so it was all good. But during this chat I happened to realise something about myself, actually a few things. And basically the discussion was how my brother and I have always attracted derelict friends.
Now to clarify this I would like to point out that all through my life until the last few years of High school, every friend I had was one of these derelicts (not sure how we ended up with this term but anyway), this meant quite plainly I was the babysitter and my brother was the friend and if my bro did not get along with this person I stll stayed the chaperon, every friendship I had while young was basically me having to look after child after child and this started beleive it or not when I was three or four years old! And I have noted that this has affected how I treat others, I will always try to be there to help and I always believe that things can get sorted out with everyone ending up happy, but though I always strive to do this I have noted that even when everytyhing goes right I have never actually felt happy about it! But The worst is that as a child every friend I would help out, take care of, watch out for, protect and untimately try to push down the right track would then just up and leave! Again and Again and Again and...
well you get the picture!
And what does this mean, well plain and simple I have literally shelved all of my emotions and perceptions when I am alone my mind is blank, I dont feel anything, just empty, but of course no one sees this because I always put others first, so when people are around, yes, I am happy and cheerful and friendly, but I have now reached the point where I cant tell whether I can actually feel and make decisions about people for my self, Just imagine when no one is around you being wrapped in a void of feelings, the weather means nothing to you and all you can feel is curiosity, most of it very morbid! And on top of that you just see pain! yours or other peoples or at least you want to see pain!
Thats what life is like for me and I have learnt to accept that that is how things must be!
But Im sure that this makes no sense, but then what does?
And to this day, whenever I look at myself I am revolted! All everyone else sees is this nice friendly "teddy bear" (as my friends would say), but I am stuck with myself, I tell you that for me lying is as easy as breathing And people I regard as points of absolute interest! I look at someone on the street and I see muscle, bone, flesh, blood and hair! But once I get to know people they become more than that, they become objects to inspect and try to understand, but here i where my conditioning kicks into to place, because shortly after meeting some one something clicks and i regard them as a friend! What does this mean then?
Well first and foremost you are honest to your friends! and 2nd of all they deserve your absolute loyalty! I regard family and friends as most treasured objects because they are plain and simple the most important thing in your life but, and there will always be a but, you know that one day they will do something to throw you off and get rid of you, I have accepted this as fact for it will happen, family will just distance itself and use you if neccesary, while friends will say good bye and you will never hear from them again and to me this is an inevtable truth! So I whenever I meet someone I prepare myself for this day when I will become obsolete and be forgotten! And feel nothing, when friends start being nasty to you and start being hurtful I accept it and leave and never look back!
ANd all this has led me to one simple truth, this saying, "Actions speak louder than words!"
I believe that entirely, in fact I believe to the point that when people talk I dont really believe what I hear, its only when something happens that i take note! And this applies to everything, words are just words! They mean very little unless supported by something I see!
(on that point I would like to make it known that if I do query something you say it is entirely because of what was in the previous paragraph)
Now let me tell how well I have been comdtioned, Right now my entire body is fighting agianst me! Screeching at me not to continue, to delete all this and then forget it ever happened, I have a headache starting, I feel just about ready to throw up, my body is shuddering and all my extremites have gone numb! My Eyes are burning, my throat is sore and my muscles are all cramped, but I am not listening, because I am curious as to what will happen after posting this, I have only ever done one other post like this before and I was sick afterwards, but now my curiosity has the better of me and I believe that this will just go down as yet another of my experiments!
HEHE!!! One thing I do enjoy is pushing my limits! This is by far more difficult than anything before but its fun, fighting, rebeling!!!! though I am in agony it feels sooo good!!!!
And afterwards when all is said and done, I am going to get better convince myself this was nothing and move on!!!
But at least now I can honestly say I have let my friends into my head, as well as a few other random people!
So enjoy you enjoy your day, I need to throw up now!
Cheers
Jason
*shudder*
Ok lets get this farce over and done with!
To be perfectly honest with anyone who reads this I hate journals!
The reason: They require me to talk about my self!
And my problem with this is that from as early as I can remeber I have been trained conditioned to always put others first and yes I am sure that most of people had a similar type of upbringing, but last night at the dinner table, we got into a discussion about how my brother and I have grown up and thankfully my brother is away so it was all good. But during this chat I happened to realise something about myself, actually a few things. And basically the discussion was how my brother and I have always attracted derelict friends.
Now to clarify this I would like to point out that all through my life until the last few years of High school, every friend I had was one of these derelicts (not sure how we ended up with this term but anyway), this meant quite plainly I was the babysitter and my brother was the friend and if my bro did not get along with this person I stll stayed the chaperon, every friendship I had while young was basically me having to look after child after child and this started beleive it or not when I was three or four years old! And I have noted that this has affected how I treat others, I will always try to be there to help and I always believe that things can get sorted out with everyone ending up happy, but though I always strive to do this I have noted that even when everytyhing goes right I have never actually felt happy about it! But The worst is that as a child every friend I would help out, take care of, watch out for, protect and untimately try to push down the right track would then just up and leave! Again and Again and Again and...
well you get the picture!
And what does this mean, well plain and simple I have literally shelved all of my emotions and perceptions when I am alone my mind is blank, I dont feel anything, just empty, but of course no one sees this because I always put others first, so when people are around, yes, I am happy and cheerful and friendly, but I have now reached the point where I cant tell whether I can actually feel and make decisions about people for my self, Just imagine when no one is around you being wrapped in a void of feelings, the weather means nothing to you and all you can feel is curiosity, most of it very morbid! And on top of that you just see pain! yours or other peoples or at least you want to see pain!
Thats what life is like for me and I have learnt to accept that that is how things must be!
But Im sure that this makes no sense, but then what does?
And to this day, whenever I look at myself I am revolted! All everyone else sees is this nice friendly "teddy bear" (as my friends would say), but I am stuck with myself, I tell you that for me lying is as easy as breathing And people I regard as points of absolute interest! I look at someone on the street and I see muscle, bone, flesh, blood and hair! But once I get to know people they become more than that, they become objects to inspect and try to understand, but here i where my conditioning kicks into to place, because shortly after meeting some one something clicks and i regard them as a friend! What does this mean then?
Well first and foremost you are honest to your friends! and 2nd of all they deserve your absolute loyalty! I regard family and friends as most treasured objects because they are plain and simple the most important thing in your life but, and there will always be a but, you know that one day they will do something to throw you off and get rid of you, I have accepted this as fact for it will happen, family will just distance itself and use you if neccesary, while friends will say good bye and you will never hear from them again and to me this is an inevtable truth! So I whenever I meet someone I prepare myself for this day when I will become obsolete and be forgotten! And feel nothing, when friends start being nasty to you and start being hurtful I accept it and leave and never look back!
ANd all this has led me to one simple truth, this saying, "Actions speak louder than words!"
I believe that entirely, in fact I believe to the point that when people talk I dont really believe what I hear, its only when something happens that i take note! And this applies to everything, words are just words! They mean very little unless supported by something I see!
(on that point I would like to make it known that if I do query something you say it is entirely because of what was in the previous paragraph)
Now let me tell how well I have been comdtioned, Right now my entire body is fighting agianst me! Screeching at me not to continue, to delete all this and then forget it ever happened, I have a headache starting, I feel just about ready to throw up, my body is shuddering and all my extremites have gone numb! My Eyes are burning, my throat is sore and my muscles are all cramped, but I am not listening, because I am curious as to what will happen after posting this, I have only ever done one other post like this before and I was sick afterwards, but now my curiosity has the better of me and I believe that this will just go down as yet another of my experiments!
HEHE!!! One thing I do enjoy is pushing my limits! This is by far more difficult than anything before but its fun, fighting, rebeling!!!! though I am in agony it feels sooo good!!!!
And afterwards when all is said and done, I am going to get better convince myself this was nothing and move on!!!
But at least now I can honestly say I have let my friends into my head, as well as a few other random people!
So enjoy you enjoy your day, I need to throw up now!
Cheers
Jason