[SR] Shane Koyczan quote
[Set in the Detective AU. Set after THIS.]
“I want the sky to fracture under the impossible weight of an apology because I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I want so much.”
Dean didn’t want to wake up.
Unconsciousness was safer. When he was unconscious, he didn’t say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing. He didn’t have to make choices. If he didn’t wake up, he wouldn’t have to go back to the world that was better off without him, that should have been without him long ago.
All Dean ever did was cause problems. The woman he loved enough to commit to completely couldn’t stand living with him. He’d gotten his father killed. His brother turned to drugs when Dean couldn’t take care of him, and wound up being tortured by one of the most sadistic bastards he’d ever met. He couldn’t even come up with an adequate enough defense to keep himself from going to jail for four years. He was useless, a waste of space and everyone would be better off if he never woke up, period.
He never thought he would make it out of Alastair’s basement anyway. That was his way of evening the scales. He’d cost his father his life, so in a way, he thought that maybe, maybe if he did this for Sam, if he traded his life for someone else’s, maybe things will even out. Cas would look after Sam and do a better job of it than he did. The balance would be restored and things would go back to being okay again. The world didn’t need Dean Winchester to keep on turning, and the people in his life would probably be able to keep moving without him. In fact, they’d probably be able to do better without him holding them back.
But his body didn’t seem to agree with him. Cas came for him too soon, before Alastair could finish the job he started and Dean could shuffle off the mortal coil. Then came the paramedics and the doctors and everyone else straining to keep Dean alive when all he really wanted to do was just slip away and be done with it. But the most they’d let him do was just sleep, remain in the blissful darkness where nothing was demanded from him or needed of him. There wasn’t anything to take from him, because he didn’t have anything to give. And right then, that was what he needed more than anything else. But he still didn’t want to wake up.
His body wouldn’t let him have that though. The sheets scratched against his back as his mind slowly bubbled to the surface, taking in the sounds of the monitors and people milling around him, the feeling of the tubes and needles poking into his body. If he opened his eyes, he could probably see the luminescent lights above him, but he didn’t want to open them quite yet. He still wasn’t sure if he had anything to take yet. So until then, it was better if everyone just thought he was asleep.
485 words
“I want the sky to fracture under the impossible weight of an apology because I'm sorry, I'm sorry that I want so much.”
Dean didn’t want to wake up.
Unconsciousness was safer. When he was unconscious, he didn’t say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing. He didn’t have to make choices. If he didn’t wake up, he wouldn’t have to go back to the world that was better off without him, that should have been without him long ago.
All Dean ever did was cause problems. The woman he loved enough to commit to completely couldn’t stand living with him. He’d gotten his father killed. His brother turned to drugs when Dean couldn’t take care of him, and wound up being tortured by one of the most sadistic bastards he’d ever met. He couldn’t even come up with an adequate enough defense to keep himself from going to jail for four years. He was useless, a waste of space and everyone would be better off if he never woke up, period.
He never thought he would make it out of Alastair’s basement anyway. That was his way of evening the scales. He’d cost his father his life, so in a way, he thought that maybe, maybe if he did this for Sam, if he traded his life for someone else’s, maybe things will even out. Cas would look after Sam and do a better job of it than he did. The balance would be restored and things would go back to being okay again. The world didn’t need Dean Winchester to keep on turning, and the people in his life would probably be able to keep moving without him. In fact, they’d probably be able to do better without him holding them back.
But his body didn’t seem to agree with him. Cas came for him too soon, before Alastair could finish the job he started and Dean could shuffle off the mortal coil. Then came the paramedics and the doctors and everyone else straining to keep Dean alive when all he really wanted to do was just slip away and be done with it. But the most they’d let him do was just sleep, remain in the blissful darkness where nothing was demanded from him or needed of him. There wasn’t anything to take from him, because he didn’t have anything to give. And right then, that was what he needed more than anything else. But he still didn’t want to wake up.
His body wouldn’t let him have that though. The sheets scratched against his back as his mind slowly bubbled to the surface, taking in the sounds of the monitors and people milling around him, the feeling of the tubes and needles poking into his body. If he opened his eyes, he could probably see the luminescent lights above him, but he didn’t want to open them quite yet. He still wasn’t sure if he had anything to take yet. So until then, it was better if everyone just thought he was asleep.
485 words