fic for marlenem
Title: Traces Left Behind
Rating: R
Threesome: Koki/Kame/Jin
Summary: The night was a blur of strobing lights and rolling hips and the taste of tongue and vodka.
Warnings: None.
Notes: Thank you to all the people I whined at, both for putting up with me as well as for making this better.
The night was a blur of strobing lights and rolling hips and the taste of tongue and vodka. Koki remembered starting out with a girl with no chest but the shortest skirt he'd ever seen still being called a skirt. Her friend had partied too hard and gotten sick in the bathroom and she left early, taking her friend home.
Koki didn't remember much past the second club. The music wasn't as good, but the alcohol was better. He remembered thinking vaguely at some point that maybe Kame should slow down, that Kame hadn't been sleeping enough lately to make drinking that last shot a good idea, but then Kame had pressed another glass into Koki's hands, counting down on his fingers, and in the alcohol burn Koki forgot what it was that wasn't such a good idea. Koki bought the next round.
Afterward, it took him a long time to remember that part at all, and he never really got what came after, but he woke up in too-bright sunshine with a headache throbbing low in the base of his skull and too-skinny legs tangled with his own. For a disoriented moment, he thought it was the girl from the first club--but no, she'd gone home early and they'd changed venues--then she shifted and groaned and that sounded an awful lot like--
Kame.
It wasn't as awkward as it could have been. It wasn't a bad morning, all told. His head didn't hurt as much as it should have, his stomach didn't feel as nauseous as it could have. And most importantly, it wasn't as awkward as it could have been.
Koki made a piece of toast for himself and one for Kame. Koki took his with butter, but Kame wanted butter and jam. While they stood around the toaster oven waiting for the bread to toast, Kame sliced an apple and gave half to Koki, saying something about how fruit in the morning was good for you.
They ate their toast in silence, fighting off hangovers in the bright sunlight streaming in through the east window. Kame only ate most of his slice; Koki forced the last of his own down through sheer force of will. Kame shoved the last of the apple at Koki, then stood. 'Ran needs fed,' he said, and 'See you at work later.' And then Kame got his jacket and left. Koki went back to bed.
Koki found a mostly empty glass of water on his nightstand later, when he woke up the second time. Koki couldn't see himself getting out of bed after drunken sex--even if it was probably more of a mutual jacking-off than anything more complicated. Alcohol made Koki horny and impatient; sex made Koki lazy. Kame must have gotten it for him. It explained the lack of headache.
They never turned into anything, really. They never laid any ground rules, never gave anything any names. Koki told himself he didn't mind if Kame slept with other people, just like he told himself he liked the freedom of being able to do the same if he wanted. He conveniently ignored the fact that he didn't seem to want to because of what that might mean.
Koki knew they got together sometimes, Kame and Jin, even now when they weren't even really friendly, because old habits are hard to kick and old lovers were easy to miss. Sometimes you needed something other people couldn't give. Koki understood that; he had done the same with some of the same people in the past. It wasn't any of his business.
But when it was Jin, Koki did mind.
Koki minded when Kame slept with Jin because he could tell when Kame did. He could always tell when Kame came home after being with Jin. Jin always--had always--left a mark on Kame. Not anything physical, but some kind of indelible impression on Kame's psyche. Jin and Kame, they'd always had something. Koki thought they were like gravity, two massive personalities pulling in opposite directions, planets in different orbits set to crash.
Sometimes it was better than others; the only thing Koki was glad about when Jin left was that the on-again off-again hot/cold game they'd been playing had to stop. When he thought about it, really tried and thought back, Koki did remember when they were all young and hopeful because no one knew anything. But only if he tried. Mostly all he remembered were emotional rollercoasters and being a shoulder for both of them. At least now he didn't have to be one for either. Things were strained between Jin and Koki--they didn't talk about their personal lives anymore--and Kame didn't think it was polite to talk about his other lay.
Koki minded when Kame slept with Jin because when Kame came back after being with Jin, he was like a different version of himself: a little rougher around the edges, cold and shuttered, hard like diamonds, brittle like glass. Koki didn't say anything because you couldn't fight gravity.
Koki minded because afterward Koki always felt like he was fucking away Jin's shadow. Koki had enough trouble himself with marks Jin left. He didn't like being able to read them on Kame. It threw the ones Jin had left on him into greater relief.
Koki had never quite forgiven Jin for leaving them, abandoning hi--them. Abandoning them when they'd just gotten started, even if they managed without him. It wasn't about the results, it was about responsibility and trust and Koki should have known better because Jin always was a selfish bastard. Debut wasn't as cool as Jin thought it would be, and finally accomplished, it no longer held his attention. Simple as that. Jin took what he wanted and then he left. That's just the way he was. You could only blame him so much for it because it was his nature; after that you had to start blaming yourself for believing it wasn't true.
"Stop it."
"What?" Koki looked up at Jin from his magazine--his distraction, something so he didn't have to watch Jin and Kame talking in the corner and wonder if he'd be fighting shadows again tonight.
"You can't avoid me forever, you know," Jin said.
"I'm not avoiding you." Technically it was true.
"You sure as hell aren't talking to me anymore."
Koki didn't have an answer for that.
Kame didn't go with Jin that night, but Jin was still on Koki's mind all evening.
What do you see in him? Koki didn't actually ask the question because it always led to questions like What do you see in me? and What are we? and Where do I stand? ever since that first night with Kame that had morphed into this nameless everything.
Koki didn't ask because he was afraid to hear the answer.
They fucked twice that night. Once, in the kitchen, hard and fast, interrupting Kame as he made them dinner. It was about aggression and possession and desire. Koki thought about Jin the whole time.
The second, in bed, slower, was about making Kame lose all his control, about taking him apart on the bed until all he thought about was pleasure and all his pleasure was Koki. It was still about possession and desire.
Koki still thought about Jin.
Afterwards, Kame trailed a foot down Koki's legs under the sheets. It was tender, not sexual. He tilted Koki's chin up to press a kiss to his lips and breathe 'I love you' into Koki's mouth. For the first time all night, the only thing on Koki's mind was Kame.
Koki answered the door because Kame was in the shower. He hadn't finished drying off yet--just threw a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt on so he wouldn't give the landlady a heart attack. But when he opened the door, it wasn't the landlady.
"What are you doing here?" As soon as he said it, Koki wished he hadn't. It was jealous and possessive and defensive, and Jin wasn't stupid. He didn't want Jin to be able to read that in him.
"I..." Jin trailed off and just looked at him in the doorway and suddenly Koki felt self-conscious in the clingy, wet T-shirt in Kame's entryway.
Jin's words tumbled over each over in a rush. "Kame said I could- Look, Koki, I didn't realize--"
"Are you coming in or not?" Koki cut him off, turning away from the door. Jin's mouth snapped shut and he followed Koki inside. They stopped in the living room. Koki could feel Jin's eyes on his back the whole way.
"Is this what it's about?" Jin asked when Koki paused in the doorway to the bedroom. "Is this it? Why you're still mad at me?" Koki could hear the water turn off in the bathroom. "Is it this?"
Kame came out before Koki could answer, towel wrapped around his hips, rubbing at his hair with another. "So about dinn-" He stopped short in the doorway when he saw Jin. He covered it, smooth as always. "Oh, I didn't know you were here. Would you like to join us for dinner? We haven't eaten yet."
Koki pushed past Kame into the bathroom, lips pressed tight together, the pretense of a change of clothes his excuse to not have to hear Jin say he'd stay, a way to buy the time it would take to pretend he was ok with it.
Their voices were low, but he could still hear them from the hallway.
"How long? With Koki. You didn't tell me." Jin was seated at the table hastily set for three; Koki couldn't see his face. Kame was turned around at the stove, back to a pot of boiling pasta. There was a pan in the sink, soaking away the burnt mess from earlier. Kame had smiled at Koki after his breathing had gotten back to normal, teasing him about how he was lucky Kame hadn't been using his good pan or they'd have ruined it.
Nothing about Kame was teasing now. "I never told you. Maybe I should have," Kame answered.
Jin hesitated for a moment, then, "Was it...?"
"It wasn't a secret. Just." Kame ran a hand through his hair. "Christ, Jin, what was I supposed to say?"
"Something. Anything. You should have told me." Jin sounded hurt, like it was his business, like they owed him something. Koki could feel his blood boiling.
Koki stalked into the kitchen, stiff-legged, shoulders set, like an angry dog. Defending his territory, defending Kame, defending himself. "Not your business," he spat.
"How do you figure that?" Jin pushed his chair back, stood up, and crossed his arms across his chest. Expectant, the picture of arrogance. Koki hated him for it.
"You don't get a say. Not you! You left us!"
"You can't hold that over me forever!"
"We'd just gotten our start! Finally! Finally, and then you left!" Koki was shouting now, because shouting was easier. "You left us! You left Kame! You left me! For what? Six months of English lessons? A pretty accent? Fucking selfish bastard! You don't get a say!"
"What do you want from me? I left, ok, but I'm back! I'm not going to say it was a mistake," Jin shot back.
Koki grabbed Jin by the front of his shirt, hauling him forward despite Kame's hands on his shoulders. "I'm not going to say this is either," Koki snarled, in his face. Koki had had to fight for everything he had; he wasn't going to let it all go now for Jin's ego.
Jin's eyes snapped with anger, but he still had that self-righteous expression on his face. All Koki wanted to do was wipe it off, whatever it took, so Koki kissed him. Kame was holding his free hand back, pulling on his hold on Jin's shirt, but Koki could barely feel it.
Koki bit Jin's lips, pushed into his mouth, putting all his anger into the kiss, everything he'd been holding onto for a year and a half. Jin just opened and took it, let Koki pour it all away until Koki broke off the kiss.
"This doesn't change things." Koki licked his lips, watched the way Jin's eyes followed the movement. Kame was still holding onto his hands, staring at them both.
"Doesn't it?" Jin's voice was low and hoarse.
"No."
"How about this?" This time Jin kissed Koki.
"Where does this put us?" Kame asked. Koki wasn't sure if he was asking him or Jin.
Jin shot him a look. Koki almost ignored it out of habit, but the look in Jin's eyes was so open and vulnerable, he couldn't manage.
"I don't know," Koki said.
"Let's try anyway."
Rating: R
Threesome: Koki/Kame/Jin
Summary: The night was a blur of strobing lights and rolling hips and the taste of tongue and vodka.
Warnings: None.
Notes: Thank you to all the people I whined at, both for putting up with me as well as for making this better.
The night was a blur of strobing lights and rolling hips and the taste of tongue and vodka. Koki remembered starting out with a girl with no chest but the shortest skirt he'd ever seen still being called a skirt. Her friend had partied too hard and gotten sick in the bathroom and she left early, taking her friend home.
Koki didn't remember much past the second club. The music wasn't as good, but the alcohol was better. He remembered thinking vaguely at some point that maybe Kame should slow down, that Kame hadn't been sleeping enough lately to make drinking that last shot a good idea, but then Kame had pressed another glass into Koki's hands, counting down on his fingers, and in the alcohol burn Koki forgot what it was that wasn't such a good idea. Koki bought the next round.
Afterward, it took him a long time to remember that part at all, and he never really got what came after, but he woke up in too-bright sunshine with a headache throbbing low in the base of his skull and too-skinny legs tangled with his own. For a disoriented moment, he thought it was the girl from the first club--but no, she'd gone home early and they'd changed venues--then she shifted and groaned and that sounded an awful lot like--
Kame.
It wasn't as awkward as it could have been. It wasn't a bad morning, all told. His head didn't hurt as much as it should have, his stomach didn't feel as nauseous as it could have. And most importantly, it wasn't as awkward as it could have been.
Koki made a piece of toast for himself and one for Kame. Koki took his with butter, but Kame wanted butter and jam. While they stood around the toaster oven waiting for the bread to toast, Kame sliced an apple and gave half to Koki, saying something about how fruit in the morning was good for you.
They ate their toast in silence, fighting off hangovers in the bright sunlight streaming in through the east window. Kame only ate most of his slice; Koki forced the last of his own down through sheer force of will. Kame shoved the last of the apple at Koki, then stood. 'Ran needs fed,' he said, and 'See you at work later.' And then Kame got his jacket and left. Koki went back to bed.
Koki found a mostly empty glass of water on his nightstand later, when he woke up the second time. Koki couldn't see himself getting out of bed after drunken sex--even if it was probably more of a mutual jacking-off than anything more complicated. Alcohol made Koki horny and impatient; sex made Koki lazy. Kame must have gotten it for him. It explained the lack of headache.
They never turned into anything, really. They never laid any ground rules, never gave anything any names. Koki told himself he didn't mind if Kame slept with other people, just like he told himself he liked the freedom of being able to do the same if he wanted. He conveniently ignored the fact that he didn't seem to want to because of what that might mean.
Koki knew they got together sometimes, Kame and Jin, even now when they weren't even really friendly, because old habits are hard to kick and old lovers were easy to miss. Sometimes you needed something other people couldn't give. Koki understood that; he had done the same with some of the same people in the past. It wasn't any of his business.
But when it was Jin, Koki did mind.
Koki minded when Kame slept with Jin because he could tell when Kame did. He could always tell when Kame came home after being with Jin. Jin always--had always--left a mark on Kame. Not anything physical, but some kind of indelible impression on Kame's psyche. Jin and Kame, they'd always had something. Koki thought they were like gravity, two massive personalities pulling in opposite directions, planets in different orbits set to crash.
Sometimes it was better than others; the only thing Koki was glad about when Jin left was that the on-again off-again hot/cold game they'd been playing had to stop. When he thought about it, really tried and thought back, Koki did remember when they were all young and hopeful because no one knew anything. But only if he tried. Mostly all he remembered were emotional rollercoasters and being a shoulder for both of them. At least now he didn't have to be one for either. Things were strained between Jin and Koki--they didn't talk about their personal lives anymore--and Kame didn't think it was polite to talk about his other lay.
Koki minded when Kame slept with Jin because when Kame came back after being with Jin, he was like a different version of himself: a little rougher around the edges, cold and shuttered, hard like diamonds, brittle like glass. Koki didn't say anything because you couldn't fight gravity.
Koki minded because afterward Koki always felt like he was fucking away Jin's shadow. Koki had enough trouble himself with marks Jin left. He didn't like being able to read them on Kame. It threw the ones Jin had left on him into greater relief.
Koki had never quite forgiven Jin for leaving them, abandoning hi--them. Abandoning them when they'd just gotten started, even if they managed without him. It wasn't about the results, it was about responsibility and trust and Koki should have known better because Jin always was a selfish bastard. Debut wasn't as cool as Jin thought it would be, and finally accomplished, it no longer held his attention. Simple as that. Jin took what he wanted and then he left. That's just the way he was. You could only blame him so much for it because it was his nature; after that you had to start blaming yourself for believing it wasn't true.
"Stop it."
"What?" Koki looked up at Jin from his magazine--his distraction, something so he didn't have to watch Jin and Kame talking in the corner and wonder if he'd be fighting shadows again tonight.
"You can't avoid me forever, you know," Jin said.
"I'm not avoiding you." Technically it was true.
"You sure as hell aren't talking to me anymore."
Koki didn't have an answer for that.
Kame didn't go with Jin that night, but Jin was still on Koki's mind all evening.
What do you see in him? Koki didn't actually ask the question because it always led to questions like What do you see in me? and What are we? and Where do I stand? ever since that first night with Kame that had morphed into this nameless everything.
Koki didn't ask because he was afraid to hear the answer.
They fucked twice that night. Once, in the kitchen, hard and fast, interrupting Kame as he made them dinner. It was about aggression and possession and desire. Koki thought about Jin the whole time.
The second, in bed, slower, was about making Kame lose all his control, about taking him apart on the bed until all he thought about was pleasure and all his pleasure was Koki. It was still about possession and desire.
Koki still thought about Jin.
Afterwards, Kame trailed a foot down Koki's legs under the sheets. It was tender, not sexual. He tilted Koki's chin up to press a kiss to his lips and breathe 'I love you' into Koki's mouth. For the first time all night, the only thing on Koki's mind was Kame.
Koki answered the door because Kame was in the shower. He hadn't finished drying off yet--just threw a pair of sweatpants and a T-shirt on so he wouldn't give the landlady a heart attack. But when he opened the door, it wasn't the landlady.
"What are you doing here?" As soon as he said it, Koki wished he hadn't. It was jealous and possessive and defensive, and Jin wasn't stupid. He didn't want Jin to be able to read that in him.
"I..." Jin trailed off and just looked at him in the doorway and suddenly Koki felt self-conscious in the clingy, wet T-shirt in Kame's entryway.
Jin's words tumbled over each over in a rush. "Kame said I could- Look, Koki, I didn't realize--"
"Are you coming in or not?" Koki cut him off, turning away from the door. Jin's mouth snapped shut and he followed Koki inside. They stopped in the living room. Koki could feel Jin's eyes on his back the whole way.
"Is this what it's about?" Jin asked when Koki paused in the doorway to the bedroom. "Is this it? Why you're still mad at me?" Koki could hear the water turn off in the bathroom. "Is it this?"
Kame came out before Koki could answer, towel wrapped around his hips, rubbing at his hair with another. "So about dinn-" He stopped short in the doorway when he saw Jin. He covered it, smooth as always. "Oh, I didn't know you were here. Would you like to join us for dinner? We haven't eaten yet."
Koki pushed past Kame into the bathroom, lips pressed tight together, the pretense of a change of clothes his excuse to not have to hear Jin say he'd stay, a way to buy the time it would take to pretend he was ok with it.
Their voices were low, but he could still hear them from the hallway.
"How long? With Koki. You didn't tell me." Jin was seated at the table hastily set for three; Koki couldn't see his face. Kame was turned around at the stove, back to a pot of boiling pasta. There was a pan in the sink, soaking away the burnt mess from earlier. Kame had smiled at Koki after his breathing had gotten back to normal, teasing him about how he was lucky Kame hadn't been using his good pan or they'd have ruined it.
Nothing about Kame was teasing now. "I never told you. Maybe I should have," Kame answered.
Jin hesitated for a moment, then, "Was it...?"
"It wasn't a secret. Just." Kame ran a hand through his hair. "Christ, Jin, what was I supposed to say?"
"Something. Anything. You should have told me." Jin sounded hurt, like it was his business, like they owed him something. Koki could feel his blood boiling.
Koki stalked into the kitchen, stiff-legged, shoulders set, like an angry dog. Defending his territory, defending Kame, defending himself. "Not your business," he spat.
"How do you figure that?" Jin pushed his chair back, stood up, and crossed his arms across his chest. Expectant, the picture of arrogance. Koki hated him for it.
"You don't get a say. Not you! You left us!"
"You can't hold that over me forever!"
"We'd just gotten our start! Finally! Finally, and then you left!" Koki was shouting now, because shouting was easier. "You left us! You left Kame! You left me! For what? Six months of English lessons? A pretty accent? Fucking selfish bastard! You don't get a say!"
"What do you want from me? I left, ok, but I'm back! I'm not going to say it was a mistake," Jin shot back.
Koki grabbed Jin by the front of his shirt, hauling him forward despite Kame's hands on his shoulders. "I'm not going to say this is either," Koki snarled, in his face. Koki had had to fight for everything he had; he wasn't going to let it all go now for Jin's ego.
Jin's eyes snapped with anger, but he still had that self-righteous expression on his face. All Koki wanted to do was wipe it off, whatever it took, so Koki kissed him. Kame was holding his free hand back, pulling on his hold on Jin's shirt, but Koki could barely feel it.
Koki bit Jin's lips, pushed into his mouth, putting all his anger into the kiss, everything he'd been holding onto for a year and a half. Jin just opened and took it, let Koki pour it all away until Koki broke off the kiss.
"This doesn't change things." Koki licked his lips, watched the way Jin's eyes followed the movement. Kame was still holding onto his hands, staring at them both.
"Doesn't it?" Jin's voice was low and hoarse.
"No."
"How about this?" This time Jin kissed Koki.
"Where does this put us?" Kame asked. Koki wasn't sure if he was asking him or Jin.
Jin shot him a look. Koki almost ignored it out of habit, but the look in Jin's eyes was so open and vulnerable, he couldn't manage.
"I don't know," Koki said.
"Let's try anyway."