fic for yamapea
Title: Blind Spot
Rating: PG-13
Threesome: Koki/Kame/Jin
Summary: Future fic. This isn’t just random sex that will be forgotten in the morning. This is real and the stakes are high.
Warnings: Some angst.
Notes: Written for yamapea. I could say so many things about this fic, but then the notes will be just as long as the fic itself. Lets just say that it wasn’t easy, and I struggled a lot, and I’m honestly not sure that I did this threesome justice. I hope you enjoy it, yamapea, despite its many shortcomings. A big thank you goes out to T, G and M for beta-ing, listening to me flail and handholding.
It’s been a long, exhausting day of filming and as Kame stumbles out of the lift with his grocery bags, all he can think of is a hot shower and a warm bed. He fumbles with his keys and as he grabs the doorknob, he realises that the door isn’t actually locked. Kame is positive that he did lock his door before leaving that morning. He remembers rattling the doorknob and checking twice that it is securely locked. (Kame is anal like that.) He stares at the door and tries to figure out what he should do next.
The lock doesn’t look as if it’s been forced and even if there were burglars, surely they’d have taken whatever they could carry and be gone by now. Kame steps inside his apartment and glances around warily, but none of the lights are on and it’s too dark to see anything. Still, Kame doesn’t feel like seeing whatever wreckage has been made of his belongings, and wanders into the living room through the dark corridor, careful not to trip on anything.
The blinds in the living room have been left open and here the moonlight illuminates the room and the person sound asleep on Kame’s white, expensive couch with his shoes still on. Kame freezes in the doorway and the only reason why he doesn’t pinch himself or rub a hand over his eyes is because both of his hands are still filled with grocery bags and keys.
There on the couch lies Jin. It’s been years since Kame has seen him - eight or maybe nine years since Jin left for the second time, Kame can’t quite remember right then - and it’s been longer since he had changed his lock last. (Kame can still remember the day he had given Jin the spare key. It had been raining all day and Jin had smiled that brilliant smile of his and told Kame that he wouldn’t lose it. Kame cannot believe that he had kept his word, on this tiny little thing at least.).
Jin’s hair is a mess and he’s still fully dressed and hugging a pillow to himself as if he’s cold. He’s also snoring softly and mumbling quietly to himself in his sleep, and he looks so out of place in the middle of Kame’s living room. Or maybe it’s exactly the other way around and Jin looks too cozy right there on Kame’s couch that’s making Kame feel so disconcerted. Kame’s mind is a whirlwind of half-formed thoughts and emotions and he swallows against the lump that’s been struck in his throat since he first saw Jin and has no idea what he should do.
Kame takes a step toward the couch and has already lifted a hand to shake Jin awake, but Jin looks so peaceful asleep and Kame doesn’t feel quite ready to face him yet anyway so he just perches on the armrest of the couch by Jin’s feet and watches him. At the back of his mind Kame realises that this is sort of creepy, but then he could never resist the chance to watch this quiet side of Jin and he can’t help himself.
It feels like only a few minutes have passed and Kame still hasn’t come to any particular decision when Jin’s eyelashes flutter and he slowly blinks himself awake, stretching languidly and humming contentedly. He turns his head and there is a pause as his eyes land on Kame and the two of them stare at each other, then Jin slowly sits up and pulls his knees to his chest.
“Hey.”
Jin’s voice sounds husky and filled with sleep, and hearing it makes something clench painfully in Kame’s stomach. He wants to say something nice, something pleasant, wants to play the good host to a friend who’s been away for so long, but what comes out sounds tired and abrupt.
“What’re you doing here, Jin?”
It’s one hell of a loaded question and they both know it. Jin looks away from Kame then, clears his throat and lets his eyes wander around the room, obviously avoiding answering it.
“When was this?” Jin nods toward a couple of pictures on the side table by the couch. In the first are Kame and Koki, and they have their arms around each other’s shoulders and they are grinning and flashing peace signs at the camera. In the second one, are all of KAT-TUN minus Jin, sprawled out in a heap on a too-small couch, looking tired but happy.
“Last November and June two years ago. Don’t change the subject. Come on, Jin. Why are you here?”
“What? Can’t an old, good friend visit another old, good friend once in a while?” Jin tries for a wide-eyed, innocent look and almost manages it too.
Kame can’t quite rein in the sarcastic, bitter note in his voice. “Yeah, good, old friends can, sure, but this is us we’re talking about. It’s never been that easy between us, Jin.”
Jin shrugs, an awkward, one-shouldered movement and continues looking around the room, taking in all the little changes that have happened since he was here last. “I see you’ve done some redecorating. I think I liked it better as it was before.”
It’s another one of those loaded, double-edged statements and Kame winces and turns away from Jin, getting up and moving toward his bedroom. “It’s late. Lets get some sleep now and we’ll talk later.”
Kame can feel Jin’s eyes on his back and he knows that Jin is waiting for some cue, some sign from him, but all he does is say, “There are spare blankets in the closet in the hall”, and shuts the bedroom door firmly behind himself.
***
In the morning, Kame has an early meeting with the rest of KAT-TUN (minus Junno, who’s currently out of Tokyo on a filming location. They don’t actually have that many group activities anymore, but the management is planning a big anniversary concert and they are all required to be there, of course.), and somehow he ends up sleeping in, even though he is sure he had the alarm clock on. Jin has been there for less than twenty four hours and already he’s messing up Kame’s nice, orderly life. (He also hogs the shower and drinks the whole pot of freshly brewed coffee that Kame made.)
When Kame tells Jin where he’s rushing off to, Jin insists on tagging along, saying that he has nothing better to do and that he wants to see the guys anyway. Usually Kame prefers taking the train to work in the morning to avoid traffic, but Jin whines about wanting to see what sort of awesome car the glamorous Kamenashi Kazuya must drive, and so they go down to the underground garage and Kame gets into the driver’s seat. Jin circles the car once and says that it’s typical of Kame to get a boring, simple, and practical Honda. (Kame doesn’t ask Jin about what sort of car he drives wherever it is that he lives, or what sort of mundane, happy little job he has, or what his current girlfriend’s name is. He doesn’t think he wants to know.)
As Kame concentrates on maneuvering the car through the busy traffic, Jin seems happy to just stare out of the window and fiddle with the radio. The silence still presses down on Kame. It makes Kame feel both relieved and apprehensive when his phone suddenly buzzes to life. He glances sideways at Jin, unsure whether he should answer the call or not, but it could be important and since he’s driving, he puts it on the speaker. The car is quickly filled with outside noise.
“Kame-chan? Where’re you?! We’ve got that meeting, you know. You better not be late. Nakamaru says to tell you that he’ll laugh really hard if you end up late.” It’s Koki and there’s laughter in his voice, warm and honey-sweet.
Kame casts another look at Jin, waiting for the bomb to go off, waiting for him to cut into the conversation, clumsy and larger-than-life. “I’m on my way. I’ll be there soon.”
He tries to sound normal but clearly doesn’t quite manage to pull it off. Koki knows him too well.
“Kame? What’s wrong? What happened?”
Koki’s voice is tense and filled with concern now and Kame hates being the cause of that. He almost cracks then, almost tells Koki everything. Almost. “It’s nothing. I’ll see you in a few, okay.”
“Yeah. Okay.” Koki doesn’t sound convinced and Kame knows that this isn’t the end of it. Not by a long shot.
The moment Kame hears Koki hang up the phone, he braces himself. He can feel Jin’s eyes on himself, and he waits for an outburst - scathing, painful remarks aimed where it hurts most. It never comes. They don’t say anything for the rest of the way but the silence feels even more awkward to Kame now. (Kame is grateful that they took the car now and that he’s the one driving since it means that at least his hands are busy.)
They make it to the break room that KAT-TUN now occupy without much trouble and Kame has to take a deep, fortifying breath before stepping over the threshold of the room. Koki gets up immediately to greet him, and both Nakamaru and Ueda murmur a good morning at him. Just as Kame is about to deliver a small speech he prepared about Jin’s unannounced (and possibly unwelcome) arrival, Jin peers over his shoulder and steps neatly around Kame.
The words get stuck in Kame’s throat, and as Jin grins hesitantly and gives a small wave, the room is filled with another oppressive silence. It’s sticky and clammy and suffocating and everything that Kame has ever hated about them together. (KAT-TUN together. Jin and him together. Kame doesn’t really know which he means just then.)
Nakamaru is the first one to come out of the trance and he smiles brightly at Jin and says loudly, “Welcome back, Akanishi.”
Everything seems to go much more smoothly after that as Ueda comes over to clasp Jin’s shoulder and say, “Long time, no see.” Jin grins at them and jokes with Nakamaru and it feels just like the old times. Except that it’s not and they are all painfully aware of this.
Koki is the only one who still hangs back at this stage, and when he finally does come over to the group by the door, he stops at Kame’s side half a meter short of where Jin is. The laughter dies down a little as Koki slings an arm around Kame’s shoulders and his fingers dig into Kame’s biceps as he stares at Jin. (Glares at Jin.) It’s possessive. A statement. Koki is not very good at forgiving people and while he did forgive Jin for leaving them once, he makes it abundantly clear that a second time is out of question.
Jin nods slightly at the look in Koki’s eyes but doesn’t look away, as if accepting a challenge. Maru and Ueda exchange a heavy look and the easy camaraderie of the moment before is gone just like that. (Jin has always been a sore loser and has never been good at conceding defeat and Kame hates that. He has always hated that. Everything always came so easy, so effortlessly to Jin, but not to Kame. Never to Kame.)
Maru cracks first under the mounting pressure, clearing his throat and laughing nervously. “Now, now. Come on, guys. It’s been such a long time since we’ve all been together like this…”
“And it’s going to have to be a little while longer since we have a meeting to get to right now.”
Everyone turns to look at Kame with surprise when he says this, almost like they forgot he was there at all. Both Jin and Koki are staring at him expectantly but he just drops his bag on the nearest chair and walks out, leaving the rest of them to sort it all out.
***
The meeting seems to drag on more than usual, especially since no one is paying much attention to it and every second thing has to be repeated twice. (They are grown men now, they should know better. They shouldn’t let their emotions interfere with their work. And yet, here they are - still only clumsy, messy, helpless boys in so many ways.) The moment their manager calls it to an end, Kame gets up and makes it for the door. Twenty minutes later Koki finds Kame out on a side balcony, with Kame well on his way through his third cigarette.
Koki comes up to him and leans against the balcony’s railing, facing Kame. “So. What now?”
There is a pause as Kame takes a long drag and lets the smoke out, watches the wind sweep away the wispy tendrils. “What do you mean?”
“Fuck, Kame! Come on. I thought we were better than this.”
Kame sighs and puts out the cigarette stub in a rusty can someone left there. He takes a deep breath and looks over at Koki. “Nothing. Nothing happens now. He’s just… He’s Jin, you know.”
It doesn’t seem like much of an answer, but at the same time, it is. (It’s not even like they are in what could be called a proper relationship. It’s just a bit of comfort between two friends. They trust each other. It’s familiar and it’s safe.)
“If you say so.”
Koki moves closer to where Kame stands and puts an arm around his waist, props his chin up on Kame’s shoulder. “Shouldn’t you go back and see how Jin is?” Koki brings his face closer to Kame’s neck and whispers the words against his skin, warm puffs of air making the hairs at the back of Kame’s neck stand on their ends.
“Why? It’s not like Jin came over here just to see me. I need to get going anyway or I’ll be late for the filming.”
Kame gives Koki a brief hug and he’s already out of hearing distance when Koki says it again quietly, almost as an afterthought to himself, “If you say so.”
***
Kame has another long day at the drama set and when he finally trudges back home, he finds his front door locked and Jin and his one duffle bag gone. There is a note on the low coffee table in the living room saying thanks and that Jin is going to stay with his family and see all the relatives and friends now. (Kame is surprised to realise that he feels both relieved and disappointed that Jin is out of his hair now.)
The note is the only thing out of place on the coffee table and Kame searches the kitchen, the hallway and even his bedroom, but there is nothing there that shouldn’t be there already. Which means that Jin still has Kame’s house key. Why Jin would still want the key is beyond Kame’s comprehension.
He briefly contemplates calling the locksmith and getting the lock changed right now, but then the fee the locksmith will charge for an after-hours service will be outrageous and he’s had this lock for years now. Surely it can stay for another day or so.
***
Three days later Kame receives an email from Nakamaru, which is a generic message that he’s sending to all of KAT-TUN, saying that they are all getting together for a reunion dinner that night since Junno is in town now. Kame checks his organiser frantically, hoping for an escape route, but Maru is thorough and thinks of everything and he has made sure to pick a night when all of them have at least a small window in their schedules. (He also warns that if any of them don’t come, he’ll let the newest debuted group of Juniors run amok on their next show.)
The dinner turns out to be much less awkward than Kame expects. (Well, apart from the fact that Koki makes sure to sit as close to Kame as he can, keeps one of his hands on Kame’s thigh and doesn’t even try to be subtle about it. Also, Junno’s smile is not as bright as it usually is and Ueda looks a little gloomy.) Maru talks loud and fast enough for all of them though, and after the first few drinks they are all laughing easily, reminiscing about the past and talking about their current lives.
After they have all eaten and the waiters start lurking around their table, obviously trying to get them to leave, they decide to go to the bar just down the street since they aren’t quite ready to part ways just yet. They take up a huge booth at the back of the bar and one round of drinks slowly flows into the other. The alcohol makes them feel lazy, fuzzy-minded, but it also takes off that sharp, bitter edge that’s been following them around since Jin showed up. (Probably long before that too, but none of them are in the mood to talk about it.)
Countless drinks later, Kame feels that he’s finally reaching his limit and he disentangles himself from the rest of the group and stumbles blearily into the bathroom. He takes a leak and as he washes his hands, he finds himself staring up at his own reflection in the mirror - bloodshot eyes, flushed skin, hair sticking up at odd angles. He’s a mess. In more ways than one.
Someone enters the bathroom then and Kame shifts his gaze to see who it is. Jin. Of course it’s fucking Jin. Kame’s hands tighten on the lip of the sink where they’ve been resting before he turns around slowly.
“You were gone a while. So I thought I’d check on you.”
It’s a lame excuse and they both know it, but Kame lets it slide. For now. He stands perfectly still as Jin closes the distance between them. Jin’s hands fall on the edge of the sink, arms bracketing Kame’s body and he leans in, lips and hair brushing Kame’s neck.
“Kame.” Jin’s voice sounds rough, like his throat has been rubbed raw with sandpaper. “Kame. I missed you.”
A shudder wracks Kame’s body and he closes his eyes tightly, blindly reaching out for Jin. It’s hard and fast, and they don’t even bother tugging their clothes down. They aren’t young, awkward boys anymore and there should be some finesse to it now, some measure of maturity, but they are both too raw for that, too starved.
Hips push into hips, hands pull at hair and clothes, and teeth bite down into skin. There will be marks on them later, but they kind of want that now. They need a reminder that this did happen.
They are still leaning on each other and breathing hard when Jin whispers softly into Kame’s hair, “I’m sorry.”
Immediately Kame’s whole body goes from relaxed to rigid and he pulls away from Jin, eyes flashing. “Oh, so you’re sorry, are you?! You know what, Akanishi? Fuck you.”
Kame doesn’t even bother cleaning up. He just turns around and leaves. (He seems to be doing a lot of that lately.) When he gets back to their table, he finds Junno and Maru slumped together comfortably, singing a drunken rendition of ‘Real Face’ as Ueda looks on indulgently. Koki is long gone.
***
Half an hour later, Kame is standing at the door to Koki’s apartment, pressing on the door bell insistently. A minute or so passes before the door swings open, revealing a tired and dejected looking Koki. He knows. Kame doesn’t need for him to say so - they’ve known each other for the better part of two decades and he can tell. At least Koki doesn’t seem to look mad and Kame is grateful for that small favour.
“You left. And I, um,” the words get stuck somewhere in Kame’s throat, painful and useless, and he just stands there staring at Koki, hands balled up into tight fists at his sides.
Koki sighs and steps away from the doorway, allowing Kame to come inside. He doesn’t say anything though, and Kame feels compelled to fill in the sticky silence between them, feels obligated to explain.
“Koki. Listen - “
He doesn’t get to finish as Koki puts a hand up, stopping him. “You don’t have to explain. I get it. He’s Jin, right.”
Having his own words thrown back at Kame like that hurts and he flinches. Koki notices this - he always notices everything about Kame - and he sighs again, rubs a weary hand across his eyes and shakes his head, half-sad and half-exasperated. “What am I going to do with you?”
And just like that Kame knows that he’s forgiven. He doesn’t deserve it and they are still far from okay but at least he can catch a break now. He doesn’t need to worry about anything now - Koki will take care of everything for him.
Koki gives Kame a gentle nudge toward the bathroom and makes sure to leave a clean towel, t-shirt and a pair of worn-in sweat pants on the bathroom cabinet for him. When Kame finally emerges the shower still towel-drying his hair, Koki has a mug of steaming tea ready for him and they sit together side by side on Koki’s couch and watch some late-night horror movie.
Later that night Kame climbs into Koki’s bed, burrowing himself under the heavy blankets, and letting Koki spoon up behind him, one arm around Kame’s middle, fingers splayed out across his chest, covering his heart. He presses his nose into Kame’s hair still damp from the shower and smiles when all he can smell is his own shampoo.
“Do you hate him? I mean, really hate him.” Kame’s voice is quiet and he sounds tired and fed up.
Koki doesn’t answer straight away and when he does, Kame is already asleep and so doesn’t hear it. “No, I don’t hate him. I don’t hate him at all. I just care about you too much.”
***
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I’d have picked you up from the airport.”
Jin gets up when he sees Yamapi approaching his table at the tiny ramen place that they used to frequent when they were younger. (Jin is sort of surprised that it’s even still there. It’s nice though, that there’s something that remains constant around them.) They share a hug, but they don’t do their patented handshake - they are too grown up for it. (Although there was once a time when they thought that they’d never outgrow it.)
They finally settle down after placing their orders and Yamapi proceeds to give Jin a long, scrutinising stare.
“Okay, out with it. What happened?”
Jin laughs uneasily and rubs the back of his head. “I don’t know what you mean, Pi. Everything’s fine. And never mind me, tell me how your girls are!”
Out of everyone, Jin’s kept in touch with Yamapi the most. Not a lot and not regularly, but they both know what’s been going on in their respective lives and Jin is probably the only person who wasn’t all that surprised when Pi announced his engagement. When it comes to his two daughters, Yamapi is just like any father - proud and ready to talk about them all day long to anyone who would listen. His eyes light up as he recounts to Jin all the mischief his little Aya and Hana get up to. Jin laughs together with him and though it’s sincere, still he feels like he has missed out on so much by being away. It’s times like this that remind him just how much manages to go by when you aren’t there to see it.
They are already half-way through their food and Jin has relaxed, has let his defenses down and doesn’t really expect Yamapi to use that against him.
“Is it Kame?”
Yamapi lays his chopsticks by his bowl and stares at Jin intently and Jin has this ridiculous need to laugh hysterically and flail out and deny everything. It’s almost like the last ten years never happened.
Instead Jin stirs the ramen in his bowl, lips pressed into an unhappy line. “Why would you say that?”
Yamapi laughs, easy but not unkindly. “It’s me here. I know you. You always did wear your heart on your sleeve.” The mirth disappears from Yamapi’s eyes and his face turns serious. “It’s always been Kame with you, Jin.”
He doesn’t really plan on doing it but then when Jin opens his mouth, the words just come tumbling out and he ends up telling Yamapi everything, gruesome details and all. As clichéd as it might be, Jin actually feels marginally better once he’s finished.
Yamapi sighs as he sips his drink slowly and shakes his head ruefully. “It’s always been like this with the two of you. A fucking tug-of-war. You’re both stubborn as all hell and unwilling to give an inch.”
“So what should I do now?”
“Seriously? Are you seriously asking me that?” When Jin just stares at him mutely, Yamapi closes his eyes, takes his time with the answer. “Do you plan to stick around at all? Because you can’t just come and go as you please, you know, Jin. It doesn’t work like that. Especially not when it comes to Kame. It hurts as all hell when you up and leave, but Kame has it toughest, I think.”
“That’s great insight there, Pi, but you haven’t answered my question. What do I do?”
“I can’t answer that for you. Just think about this - you already know what you have to return to, but who knows where things might take you if you stay here.”
Jin is quiet at first, chewing on the corner of his mouth and frowning. Then a small smile appears and he raises his glass to Yamapi. “Cheers.”
They don’t speak about it anymore after that. Yamapi waves the waiter over to order the dessert and they talk about everything else but don’t mention Kame or Jin leaving again.
There are only a few people left at the restaurant by the time they get up. Yamapi is already at the door when he turns around and grins at Jin, big and happy. “You have to come by for dinner sometimes, while you’re still here. My wife makes fantastic goyza.”
***
It has been two weeks since Jin’s arrival when Nakamaru calls him up out of the blue and tells him that he’s taking him out. Jin has been spending most of his time catching up with all of his friends - he goes out with Ryo and Shirota, visits Yamapi and his family, hangs out with his brother. But he hasn’t been around his ex-group mates much at all so the invitation from Maru pleases him more than he’s willing to admit.
It turns out that Maru has been keeping up with his university friends even after they had all graduated (no one is more surprised than Maru himself when he finds out that he has completed his degree), and they always try to get together once every few months. This is one of those nights and Jin’s head soon starts spinning from all the new names and faces.
They go to a dark, dingy pool hole and drink bitter, stale beer. It’s easy and casual, like everything that Jin is used to - that Jin likes - in his new life. But for some reason, it’s not the same and Jin isn’t really into it.
Maru comes over armed with two beers and shoves one into Jin’s hand. “Why aren’t you having fun? I thought this would be your kind of thing. You know, away from the glamorous entertainment life.”
“Yeah, it is.”
Maru raises an eyebrow. “So, why don’t you look happy then?”
It’s a good question. One that Jin doesn’t have an answer to.
***
As KAT-TUN start the rehearsals for their upcoming concert, Koki spends his time observing a sulking Kame and mulling over his own feelings on this whole mess. All he really wants to do is protect Kame, which is ridiculous because Kame can take care of himself just fine. (Better than most people, in fact.) The feeling is still there though.
No matter how he looks at it, he can only come to one conclusion - that he’s been going about it all wrong.
Koki waits for the right moment to talk to Kame about this and he finally catches him eating alone at the break out area backstage during one of their lunch breaks. The food provided at these places is usually horrible but after years of it, they are used to it. A person can get used to anything, Koki thinks, or at least can learn to put up with it. He also thinks, as he watches Kame sitting at the cheap folding table chewing the bad food absentmindedly, that sometimes you don’t have to put up with things.
Grabbing a plate, Koki strolls purposefully over to where Kame sits. When the plate lands right next to his, Kame’s eyes snap up and he smiles, tired but pleased, when he realises that it’s Koki.
“Hey. So do you think we’ll be ready for the concert at this rate?”
“We always manage, so I don’t see why not.” Koki chews a mouthful of food before voicing the next part that’s on his mind. “Don’t lose hope, Kame-chan.”
He puts so much emphasis on this little sentence that Kame looks up from his plate again, eyes bright and feverish all of a sudden.
“What.”
“You miss him, don’t you?” Kame starts at this, but Koki just pushes on, “I know you do fine without him - more than fine - but don’t tell me it’s all the same to you whether he’s around or not.”
Kame purses his lips and looks away, but he doesn’t deny it.
“He misses you too. I know he has trouble saying it but I also know that he does.”
Sighing, Kame glances back at Koki. “I know. He told me. But it doesn’t mean anything. Not when coming from Jin.”
Koki’s eyes narrow. “That’s not true.”
That’s another thing - Kame never did understand Jin. But Koki does. He gets them both. It’s like he sits right on the fence line between the two of them. He’s the buffer that they have always been missing.
“Have you tried talking to him?”
In response Kame laughs, a scratchy, pained sound. “You know how well that usually turns out.”
There is a pause.
“But you want to, don’t you,” says Koki, and it’s not a question and he doesn’t clarify whether he means talk to Jin, make peace with Jin, or something else entirely.
“Yeah, well. You can’t have everything, right?”
Bumping shoulders with Kame, Koki grins, lopsided and teasing. “Oh, Kame. Always so serious. Relax. You’ve got me here. It’ll work out. I promise.”
***
Three days before Jin’s scheduled to leave the country again, he gets a message from Kame asking him to come over to his place the following night. Jin blinks at the text in front of him before shrugging and sliding his phone shut. It’s probably just KAT-TUN trying to be stealthy and throwing him a going away party. They were never very good at being stealthy after all, so when Jin arrives at Kame’s apartment the next night and is only greeted by Kame and Koki (who both look somber) and there is a distinct lack of balloons and alcohol around, he feels a little uneasy.
Yamapi is right; Jin’s face tends to reflect everything that he feels and Kame and Koki can clearly tell that he hadn’t been expecting to see them both there alone. (Not at all.) It’s hard to tell if he’s upset about it or not though. He nods at the two of them but it’s edgy and guarded.
“So. What’s going on?”
They are still standing in the tiny hall of Kame’s apartment and there’s barely enough room for the three of them there.
“How about we sit down first, hm?” Kame leads the way into the living room without looking back to see if they follow and Koki has to give Jin a firm push in the back to get him to move his feet.
Finally they settle down, Kame and Koki on the couch, and Jin in the armchair across from them. Kame gets up and pours them all a drink before nestling down next to Koki again. (It’s a good, aged whiskey and it slides smoothly down Jin’s throat. Somehow it’s not the sort of drink he has imagined grown up Kame to favour, but it fits.)
Jin polishes his glass off in two quick gulps and tries not to stare at the place where Kame and Koki’s thighs are pressed up together. As if to mock him, Kame takes his time with his drink, sipping it slowly, savouring every drop and throwing confusing looks at Jin over the brim of the glass. Koki places his now empty tumbler on the table in front of the couch and leans into Kame’s side, hand playing with the loose hairs at the nape of his neck and Jin wants to look away but he can’t. It’s maddening and he can’t take much more of it.
“Okay, we’re sitting down. So? What’s this - an intervention?”
“Something like that.” Koki’s voice sounds even and measured but his shoulders are a tense line, making it obvious how nervous he really is. “We talked about this,” Koki waves his hand between the three of them vaguely, but his meaning is more than clear at this stage, “and we decided that we want to give this a go.”
Even before Koki has finished speaking, Kame is already up and moving toward Jin. “Jin.” His voice cracks a little. “Jin. You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”
Of course. Koki just puts the facts before him, but Kame is giving him an out. Kame would never want to force him into it. Free will. It’s all about free will with Kame.
When Jin lifts his head to meet Kame’s eyes, he finds Kame towering over him, close enough to breach his personal space but not yet close enough to touch. Jin doesn’t like it that Kame is standing over him, looking down on him. He gets up from the couch and ends up shifting closer to Kame. Now they are close enough to touch. It’s the most natural thing in the world and so Jin reaches out and touches Kame’s arm.
He avoids Kame’s gaze as he lets his fingers slip down and encircle Kame’s wrist. Jin then flips Kame’s hand over and runs the pads of his fingers down his palm. He hears Kame swallow thickly and feels the shiver that crawls down his frame.
The moment is broken when Koki clears his throat loudly. His voice sounds closer and Jin has no idea when he managed to move over to stand just behind Kame. “So. Akanishi? What do you say?”
What is there to say? Jin closes his eyes briefly and his fingers tighten where they are clutching Kame’s hand. In response, Kame’s free hand shoots out and latches onto Jin’s waist, tugging on the wide soft leather of his belt.
“Well, it’s not like the ticket is non-refundable.” Jin’s smile is crooked, unsure and probably the most honest it has been in a while.
“Good enough.” Koki’s grin is warm as he moves in on them, pressing up against Kame’s back, hips and shoulders touching. Kame turns around the moment he feels Koki there but his fingers don’t let go of Jin’s belt, don’t let him get separated from them.
It’s awkward and confusing and not just because there are more limbs and tongues involved than any of them is used to. It’s because there is too much history between the three of them, too much emotion. This isn’t just random sex that will be forgotten in the morning. This is real and serious and the stakes are high. (Too high.)
Koki backs up slowly, tugging Kame along by the hand until his back is pressed up against the solid wall and Kame is standing face-to-face with him still holding on to his hand. Jin comes up behind Kame a moment later and one of his hands goes around Kame’s waist, fingers rubbing at the soft cotton of his t-shirt and the warm skin visible between the hem of the shirt and his jeans. His knuckles inadvertently press into Koki’s stomach, making him suck in a quick breath and push his hips forward into Kame.
This seems to break some restraint within Kame as he lunges forward and kisses Koki on the mouth, tongue sweeping over his bottom lip and licking at his teeth. Jin takes his cue, leaving a trail of quick wet kisses along Kame’s neck and sharp jaw, then pressing his lips to the juncture where Koki and Kame’s lips meet. He feels them jerk in surprise a little and Koki’s eyes snap open to watch him warily, but neither of them pull back. One of Koki’s hands moves to tangle in Jin’s hair and guide him into the kiss more and Kame maneuvers his head a little to the other side, allowing more room between the three of them.
There’s another moment of hesitation as none of them are quite sure of what should happen next, then Koki leans back in and licks at the corner of Kame’s mouth, who does the same to Jin and in the process strokes the tip of his tongue along the length of Koki’s. It turns messy and demanding after this and it doesn’t leave them feeling breathless or kissed-out, but it does leave a nagging feeling of want behind.
Then Kame untangles himself from the confusing mess of limbs and lips and goes over to his bedroom door, pushing it open. Koki follows him, which leaves only Jin standing a little distance away, already feeling too cold and alone.
Jin has no idea how this is supposed to work between them, or even whether it will work out at all, but at least they are trying, at least they are giving it a go and that has to count for something. He isn’t even sure whether he’s ready to stick around long enough to find out. But he’s here now.
He can see Kame and Koki framed in the doorway, looking at him, waiting, and he smiles and steps over the threshold, closing the door firmly behind himself.
END.
Rating: PG-13
Threesome: Koki/Kame/Jin
Summary: Future fic. This isn’t just random sex that will be forgotten in the morning. This is real and the stakes are high.
Warnings: Some angst.
Notes: Written for yamapea. I could say so many things about this fic, but then the notes will be just as long as the fic itself. Lets just say that it wasn’t easy, and I struggled a lot, and I’m honestly not sure that I did this threesome justice. I hope you enjoy it, yamapea, despite its many shortcomings. A big thank you goes out to T, G and M for beta-ing, listening to me flail and handholding.
It’s been a long, exhausting day of filming and as Kame stumbles out of the lift with his grocery bags, all he can think of is a hot shower and a warm bed. He fumbles with his keys and as he grabs the doorknob, he realises that the door isn’t actually locked. Kame is positive that he did lock his door before leaving that morning. He remembers rattling the doorknob and checking twice that it is securely locked. (Kame is anal like that.) He stares at the door and tries to figure out what he should do next.
The lock doesn’t look as if it’s been forced and even if there were burglars, surely they’d have taken whatever they could carry and be gone by now. Kame steps inside his apartment and glances around warily, but none of the lights are on and it’s too dark to see anything. Still, Kame doesn’t feel like seeing whatever wreckage has been made of his belongings, and wanders into the living room through the dark corridor, careful not to trip on anything.
The blinds in the living room have been left open and here the moonlight illuminates the room and the person sound asleep on Kame’s white, expensive couch with his shoes still on. Kame freezes in the doorway and the only reason why he doesn’t pinch himself or rub a hand over his eyes is because both of his hands are still filled with grocery bags and keys.
There on the couch lies Jin. It’s been years since Kame has seen him - eight or maybe nine years since Jin left for the second time, Kame can’t quite remember right then - and it’s been longer since he had changed his lock last. (Kame can still remember the day he had given Jin the spare key. It had been raining all day and Jin had smiled that brilliant smile of his and told Kame that he wouldn’t lose it. Kame cannot believe that he had kept his word, on this tiny little thing at least.).
Jin’s hair is a mess and he’s still fully dressed and hugging a pillow to himself as if he’s cold. He’s also snoring softly and mumbling quietly to himself in his sleep, and he looks so out of place in the middle of Kame’s living room. Or maybe it’s exactly the other way around and Jin looks too cozy right there on Kame’s couch that’s making Kame feel so disconcerted. Kame’s mind is a whirlwind of half-formed thoughts and emotions and he swallows against the lump that’s been struck in his throat since he first saw Jin and has no idea what he should do.
Kame takes a step toward the couch and has already lifted a hand to shake Jin awake, but Jin looks so peaceful asleep and Kame doesn’t feel quite ready to face him yet anyway so he just perches on the armrest of the couch by Jin’s feet and watches him. At the back of his mind Kame realises that this is sort of creepy, but then he could never resist the chance to watch this quiet side of Jin and he can’t help himself.
It feels like only a few minutes have passed and Kame still hasn’t come to any particular decision when Jin’s eyelashes flutter and he slowly blinks himself awake, stretching languidly and humming contentedly. He turns his head and there is a pause as his eyes land on Kame and the two of them stare at each other, then Jin slowly sits up and pulls his knees to his chest.
“Hey.”
Jin’s voice sounds husky and filled with sleep, and hearing it makes something clench painfully in Kame’s stomach. He wants to say something nice, something pleasant, wants to play the good host to a friend who’s been away for so long, but what comes out sounds tired and abrupt.
“What’re you doing here, Jin?”
It’s one hell of a loaded question and they both know it. Jin looks away from Kame then, clears his throat and lets his eyes wander around the room, obviously avoiding answering it.
“When was this?” Jin nods toward a couple of pictures on the side table by the couch. In the first are Kame and Koki, and they have their arms around each other’s shoulders and they are grinning and flashing peace signs at the camera. In the second one, are all of KAT-TUN minus Jin, sprawled out in a heap on a too-small couch, looking tired but happy.
“Last November and June two years ago. Don’t change the subject. Come on, Jin. Why are you here?”
“What? Can’t an old, good friend visit another old, good friend once in a while?” Jin tries for a wide-eyed, innocent look and almost manages it too.
Kame can’t quite rein in the sarcastic, bitter note in his voice. “Yeah, good, old friends can, sure, but this is us we’re talking about. It’s never been that easy between us, Jin.”
Jin shrugs, an awkward, one-shouldered movement and continues looking around the room, taking in all the little changes that have happened since he was here last. “I see you’ve done some redecorating. I think I liked it better as it was before.”
It’s another one of those loaded, double-edged statements and Kame winces and turns away from Jin, getting up and moving toward his bedroom. “It’s late. Lets get some sleep now and we’ll talk later.”
Kame can feel Jin’s eyes on his back and he knows that Jin is waiting for some cue, some sign from him, but all he does is say, “There are spare blankets in the closet in the hall”, and shuts the bedroom door firmly behind himself.
***
In the morning, Kame has an early meeting with the rest of KAT-TUN (minus Junno, who’s currently out of Tokyo on a filming location. They don’t actually have that many group activities anymore, but the management is planning a big anniversary concert and they are all required to be there, of course.), and somehow he ends up sleeping in, even though he is sure he had the alarm clock on. Jin has been there for less than twenty four hours and already he’s messing up Kame’s nice, orderly life. (He also hogs the shower and drinks the whole pot of freshly brewed coffee that Kame made.)
When Kame tells Jin where he’s rushing off to, Jin insists on tagging along, saying that he has nothing better to do and that he wants to see the guys anyway. Usually Kame prefers taking the train to work in the morning to avoid traffic, but Jin whines about wanting to see what sort of awesome car the glamorous Kamenashi Kazuya must drive, and so they go down to the underground garage and Kame gets into the driver’s seat. Jin circles the car once and says that it’s typical of Kame to get a boring, simple, and practical Honda. (Kame doesn’t ask Jin about what sort of car he drives wherever it is that he lives, or what sort of mundane, happy little job he has, or what his current girlfriend’s name is. He doesn’t think he wants to know.)
As Kame concentrates on maneuvering the car through the busy traffic, Jin seems happy to just stare out of the window and fiddle with the radio. The silence still presses down on Kame. It makes Kame feel both relieved and apprehensive when his phone suddenly buzzes to life. He glances sideways at Jin, unsure whether he should answer the call or not, but it could be important and since he’s driving, he puts it on the speaker. The car is quickly filled with outside noise.
“Kame-chan? Where’re you?! We’ve got that meeting, you know. You better not be late. Nakamaru says to tell you that he’ll laugh really hard if you end up late.” It’s Koki and there’s laughter in his voice, warm and honey-sweet.
Kame casts another look at Jin, waiting for the bomb to go off, waiting for him to cut into the conversation, clumsy and larger-than-life. “I’m on my way. I’ll be there soon.”
He tries to sound normal but clearly doesn’t quite manage to pull it off. Koki knows him too well.
“Kame? What’s wrong? What happened?”
Koki’s voice is tense and filled with concern now and Kame hates being the cause of that. He almost cracks then, almost tells Koki everything. Almost. “It’s nothing. I’ll see you in a few, okay.”
“Yeah. Okay.” Koki doesn’t sound convinced and Kame knows that this isn’t the end of it. Not by a long shot.
The moment Kame hears Koki hang up the phone, he braces himself. He can feel Jin’s eyes on himself, and he waits for an outburst - scathing, painful remarks aimed where it hurts most. It never comes. They don’t say anything for the rest of the way but the silence feels even more awkward to Kame now. (Kame is grateful that they took the car now and that he’s the one driving since it means that at least his hands are busy.)
They make it to the break room that KAT-TUN now occupy without much trouble and Kame has to take a deep, fortifying breath before stepping over the threshold of the room. Koki gets up immediately to greet him, and both Nakamaru and Ueda murmur a good morning at him. Just as Kame is about to deliver a small speech he prepared about Jin’s unannounced (and possibly unwelcome) arrival, Jin peers over his shoulder and steps neatly around Kame.
The words get stuck in Kame’s throat, and as Jin grins hesitantly and gives a small wave, the room is filled with another oppressive silence. It’s sticky and clammy and suffocating and everything that Kame has ever hated about them together. (KAT-TUN together. Jin and him together. Kame doesn’t really know which he means just then.)
Nakamaru is the first one to come out of the trance and he smiles brightly at Jin and says loudly, “Welcome back, Akanishi.”
Everything seems to go much more smoothly after that as Ueda comes over to clasp Jin’s shoulder and say, “Long time, no see.” Jin grins at them and jokes with Nakamaru and it feels just like the old times. Except that it’s not and they are all painfully aware of this.
Koki is the only one who still hangs back at this stage, and when he finally does come over to the group by the door, he stops at Kame’s side half a meter short of where Jin is. The laughter dies down a little as Koki slings an arm around Kame’s shoulders and his fingers dig into Kame’s biceps as he stares at Jin. (Glares at Jin.) It’s possessive. A statement. Koki is not very good at forgiving people and while he did forgive Jin for leaving them once, he makes it abundantly clear that a second time is out of question.
Jin nods slightly at the look in Koki’s eyes but doesn’t look away, as if accepting a challenge. Maru and Ueda exchange a heavy look and the easy camaraderie of the moment before is gone just like that. (Jin has always been a sore loser and has never been good at conceding defeat and Kame hates that. He has always hated that. Everything always came so easy, so effortlessly to Jin, but not to Kame. Never to Kame.)
Maru cracks first under the mounting pressure, clearing his throat and laughing nervously. “Now, now. Come on, guys. It’s been such a long time since we’ve all been together like this…”
“And it’s going to have to be a little while longer since we have a meeting to get to right now.”
Everyone turns to look at Kame with surprise when he says this, almost like they forgot he was there at all. Both Jin and Koki are staring at him expectantly but he just drops his bag on the nearest chair and walks out, leaving the rest of them to sort it all out.
***
The meeting seems to drag on more than usual, especially since no one is paying much attention to it and every second thing has to be repeated twice. (They are grown men now, they should know better. They shouldn’t let their emotions interfere with their work. And yet, here they are - still only clumsy, messy, helpless boys in so many ways.) The moment their manager calls it to an end, Kame gets up and makes it for the door. Twenty minutes later Koki finds Kame out on a side balcony, with Kame well on his way through his third cigarette.
Koki comes up to him and leans against the balcony’s railing, facing Kame. “So. What now?”
There is a pause as Kame takes a long drag and lets the smoke out, watches the wind sweep away the wispy tendrils. “What do you mean?”
“Fuck, Kame! Come on. I thought we were better than this.”
Kame sighs and puts out the cigarette stub in a rusty can someone left there. He takes a deep breath and looks over at Koki. “Nothing. Nothing happens now. He’s just… He’s Jin, you know.”
It doesn’t seem like much of an answer, but at the same time, it is. (It’s not even like they are in what could be called a proper relationship. It’s just a bit of comfort between two friends. They trust each other. It’s familiar and it’s safe.)
“If you say so.”
Koki moves closer to where Kame stands and puts an arm around his waist, props his chin up on Kame’s shoulder. “Shouldn’t you go back and see how Jin is?” Koki brings his face closer to Kame’s neck and whispers the words against his skin, warm puffs of air making the hairs at the back of Kame’s neck stand on their ends.
“Why? It’s not like Jin came over here just to see me. I need to get going anyway or I’ll be late for the filming.”
Kame gives Koki a brief hug and he’s already out of hearing distance when Koki says it again quietly, almost as an afterthought to himself, “If you say so.”
***
Kame has another long day at the drama set and when he finally trudges back home, he finds his front door locked and Jin and his one duffle bag gone. There is a note on the low coffee table in the living room saying thanks and that Jin is going to stay with his family and see all the relatives and friends now. (Kame is surprised to realise that he feels both relieved and disappointed that Jin is out of his hair now.)
The note is the only thing out of place on the coffee table and Kame searches the kitchen, the hallway and even his bedroom, but there is nothing there that shouldn’t be there already. Which means that Jin still has Kame’s house key. Why Jin would still want the key is beyond Kame’s comprehension.
He briefly contemplates calling the locksmith and getting the lock changed right now, but then the fee the locksmith will charge for an after-hours service will be outrageous and he’s had this lock for years now. Surely it can stay for another day or so.
***
Three days later Kame receives an email from Nakamaru, which is a generic message that he’s sending to all of KAT-TUN, saying that they are all getting together for a reunion dinner that night since Junno is in town now. Kame checks his organiser frantically, hoping for an escape route, but Maru is thorough and thinks of everything and he has made sure to pick a night when all of them have at least a small window in their schedules. (He also warns that if any of them don’t come, he’ll let the newest debuted group of Juniors run amok on their next show.)
The dinner turns out to be much less awkward than Kame expects. (Well, apart from the fact that Koki makes sure to sit as close to Kame as he can, keeps one of his hands on Kame’s thigh and doesn’t even try to be subtle about it. Also, Junno’s smile is not as bright as it usually is and Ueda looks a little gloomy.) Maru talks loud and fast enough for all of them though, and after the first few drinks they are all laughing easily, reminiscing about the past and talking about their current lives.
After they have all eaten and the waiters start lurking around their table, obviously trying to get them to leave, they decide to go to the bar just down the street since they aren’t quite ready to part ways just yet. They take up a huge booth at the back of the bar and one round of drinks slowly flows into the other. The alcohol makes them feel lazy, fuzzy-minded, but it also takes off that sharp, bitter edge that’s been following them around since Jin showed up. (Probably long before that too, but none of them are in the mood to talk about it.)
Countless drinks later, Kame feels that he’s finally reaching his limit and he disentangles himself from the rest of the group and stumbles blearily into the bathroom. He takes a leak and as he washes his hands, he finds himself staring up at his own reflection in the mirror - bloodshot eyes, flushed skin, hair sticking up at odd angles. He’s a mess. In more ways than one.
Someone enters the bathroom then and Kame shifts his gaze to see who it is. Jin. Of course it’s fucking Jin. Kame’s hands tighten on the lip of the sink where they’ve been resting before he turns around slowly.
“You were gone a while. So I thought I’d check on you.”
It’s a lame excuse and they both know it, but Kame lets it slide. For now. He stands perfectly still as Jin closes the distance between them. Jin’s hands fall on the edge of the sink, arms bracketing Kame’s body and he leans in, lips and hair brushing Kame’s neck.
“Kame.” Jin’s voice sounds rough, like his throat has been rubbed raw with sandpaper. “Kame. I missed you.”
A shudder wracks Kame’s body and he closes his eyes tightly, blindly reaching out for Jin. It’s hard and fast, and they don’t even bother tugging their clothes down. They aren’t young, awkward boys anymore and there should be some finesse to it now, some measure of maturity, but they are both too raw for that, too starved.
Hips push into hips, hands pull at hair and clothes, and teeth bite down into skin. There will be marks on them later, but they kind of want that now. They need a reminder that this did happen.
They are still leaning on each other and breathing hard when Jin whispers softly into Kame’s hair, “I’m sorry.”
Immediately Kame’s whole body goes from relaxed to rigid and he pulls away from Jin, eyes flashing. “Oh, so you’re sorry, are you?! You know what, Akanishi? Fuck you.”
Kame doesn’t even bother cleaning up. He just turns around and leaves. (He seems to be doing a lot of that lately.) When he gets back to their table, he finds Junno and Maru slumped together comfortably, singing a drunken rendition of ‘Real Face’ as Ueda looks on indulgently. Koki is long gone.
***
Half an hour later, Kame is standing at the door to Koki’s apartment, pressing on the door bell insistently. A minute or so passes before the door swings open, revealing a tired and dejected looking Koki. He knows. Kame doesn’t need for him to say so - they’ve known each other for the better part of two decades and he can tell. At least Koki doesn’t seem to look mad and Kame is grateful for that small favour.
“You left. And I, um,” the words get stuck somewhere in Kame’s throat, painful and useless, and he just stands there staring at Koki, hands balled up into tight fists at his sides.
Koki sighs and steps away from the doorway, allowing Kame to come inside. He doesn’t say anything though, and Kame feels compelled to fill in the sticky silence between them, feels obligated to explain.
“Koki. Listen - “
He doesn’t get to finish as Koki puts a hand up, stopping him. “You don’t have to explain. I get it. He’s Jin, right.”
Having his own words thrown back at Kame like that hurts and he flinches. Koki notices this - he always notices everything about Kame - and he sighs again, rubs a weary hand across his eyes and shakes his head, half-sad and half-exasperated. “What am I going to do with you?”
And just like that Kame knows that he’s forgiven. He doesn’t deserve it and they are still far from okay but at least he can catch a break now. He doesn’t need to worry about anything now - Koki will take care of everything for him.
Koki gives Kame a gentle nudge toward the bathroom and makes sure to leave a clean towel, t-shirt and a pair of worn-in sweat pants on the bathroom cabinet for him. When Kame finally emerges the shower still towel-drying his hair, Koki has a mug of steaming tea ready for him and they sit together side by side on Koki’s couch and watch some late-night horror movie.
Later that night Kame climbs into Koki’s bed, burrowing himself under the heavy blankets, and letting Koki spoon up behind him, one arm around Kame’s middle, fingers splayed out across his chest, covering his heart. He presses his nose into Kame’s hair still damp from the shower and smiles when all he can smell is his own shampoo.
“Do you hate him? I mean, really hate him.” Kame’s voice is quiet and he sounds tired and fed up.
Koki doesn’t answer straight away and when he does, Kame is already asleep and so doesn’t hear it. “No, I don’t hate him. I don’t hate him at all. I just care about you too much.”
***
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming? I’d have picked you up from the airport.”
Jin gets up when he sees Yamapi approaching his table at the tiny ramen place that they used to frequent when they were younger. (Jin is sort of surprised that it’s even still there. It’s nice though, that there’s something that remains constant around them.) They share a hug, but they don’t do their patented handshake - they are too grown up for it. (Although there was once a time when they thought that they’d never outgrow it.)
They finally settle down after placing their orders and Yamapi proceeds to give Jin a long, scrutinising stare.
“Okay, out with it. What happened?”
Jin laughs uneasily and rubs the back of his head. “I don’t know what you mean, Pi. Everything’s fine. And never mind me, tell me how your girls are!”
Out of everyone, Jin’s kept in touch with Yamapi the most. Not a lot and not regularly, but they both know what’s been going on in their respective lives and Jin is probably the only person who wasn’t all that surprised when Pi announced his engagement. When it comes to his two daughters, Yamapi is just like any father - proud and ready to talk about them all day long to anyone who would listen. His eyes light up as he recounts to Jin all the mischief his little Aya and Hana get up to. Jin laughs together with him and though it’s sincere, still he feels like he has missed out on so much by being away. It’s times like this that remind him just how much manages to go by when you aren’t there to see it.
They are already half-way through their food and Jin has relaxed, has let his defenses down and doesn’t really expect Yamapi to use that against him.
“Is it Kame?”
Yamapi lays his chopsticks by his bowl and stares at Jin intently and Jin has this ridiculous need to laugh hysterically and flail out and deny everything. It’s almost like the last ten years never happened.
Instead Jin stirs the ramen in his bowl, lips pressed into an unhappy line. “Why would you say that?”
Yamapi laughs, easy but not unkindly. “It’s me here. I know you. You always did wear your heart on your sleeve.” The mirth disappears from Yamapi’s eyes and his face turns serious. “It’s always been Kame with you, Jin.”
He doesn’t really plan on doing it but then when Jin opens his mouth, the words just come tumbling out and he ends up telling Yamapi everything, gruesome details and all. As clichéd as it might be, Jin actually feels marginally better once he’s finished.
Yamapi sighs as he sips his drink slowly and shakes his head ruefully. “It’s always been like this with the two of you. A fucking tug-of-war. You’re both stubborn as all hell and unwilling to give an inch.”
“So what should I do now?”
“Seriously? Are you seriously asking me that?” When Jin just stares at him mutely, Yamapi closes his eyes, takes his time with the answer. “Do you plan to stick around at all? Because you can’t just come and go as you please, you know, Jin. It doesn’t work like that. Especially not when it comes to Kame. It hurts as all hell when you up and leave, but Kame has it toughest, I think.”
“That’s great insight there, Pi, but you haven’t answered my question. What do I do?”
“I can’t answer that for you. Just think about this - you already know what you have to return to, but who knows where things might take you if you stay here.”
Jin is quiet at first, chewing on the corner of his mouth and frowning. Then a small smile appears and he raises his glass to Yamapi. “Cheers.”
They don’t speak about it anymore after that. Yamapi waves the waiter over to order the dessert and they talk about everything else but don’t mention Kame or Jin leaving again.
There are only a few people left at the restaurant by the time they get up. Yamapi is already at the door when he turns around and grins at Jin, big and happy. “You have to come by for dinner sometimes, while you’re still here. My wife makes fantastic goyza.”
***
It has been two weeks since Jin’s arrival when Nakamaru calls him up out of the blue and tells him that he’s taking him out. Jin has been spending most of his time catching up with all of his friends - he goes out with Ryo and Shirota, visits Yamapi and his family, hangs out with his brother. But he hasn’t been around his ex-group mates much at all so the invitation from Maru pleases him more than he’s willing to admit.
It turns out that Maru has been keeping up with his university friends even after they had all graduated (no one is more surprised than Maru himself when he finds out that he has completed his degree), and they always try to get together once every few months. This is one of those nights and Jin’s head soon starts spinning from all the new names and faces.
They go to a dark, dingy pool hole and drink bitter, stale beer. It’s easy and casual, like everything that Jin is used to - that Jin likes - in his new life. But for some reason, it’s not the same and Jin isn’t really into it.
Maru comes over armed with two beers and shoves one into Jin’s hand. “Why aren’t you having fun? I thought this would be your kind of thing. You know, away from the glamorous entertainment life.”
“Yeah, it is.”
Maru raises an eyebrow. “So, why don’t you look happy then?”
It’s a good question. One that Jin doesn’t have an answer to.
***
As KAT-TUN start the rehearsals for their upcoming concert, Koki spends his time observing a sulking Kame and mulling over his own feelings on this whole mess. All he really wants to do is protect Kame, which is ridiculous because Kame can take care of himself just fine. (Better than most people, in fact.) The feeling is still there though.
No matter how he looks at it, he can only come to one conclusion - that he’s been going about it all wrong.
Koki waits for the right moment to talk to Kame about this and he finally catches him eating alone at the break out area backstage during one of their lunch breaks. The food provided at these places is usually horrible but after years of it, they are used to it. A person can get used to anything, Koki thinks, or at least can learn to put up with it. He also thinks, as he watches Kame sitting at the cheap folding table chewing the bad food absentmindedly, that sometimes you don’t have to put up with things.
Grabbing a plate, Koki strolls purposefully over to where Kame sits. When the plate lands right next to his, Kame’s eyes snap up and he smiles, tired but pleased, when he realises that it’s Koki.
“Hey. So do you think we’ll be ready for the concert at this rate?”
“We always manage, so I don’t see why not.” Koki chews a mouthful of food before voicing the next part that’s on his mind. “Don’t lose hope, Kame-chan.”
He puts so much emphasis on this little sentence that Kame looks up from his plate again, eyes bright and feverish all of a sudden.
“What.”
“You miss him, don’t you?” Kame starts at this, but Koki just pushes on, “I know you do fine without him - more than fine - but don’t tell me it’s all the same to you whether he’s around or not.”
Kame purses his lips and looks away, but he doesn’t deny it.
“He misses you too. I know he has trouble saying it but I also know that he does.”
Sighing, Kame glances back at Koki. “I know. He told me. But it doesn’t mean anything. Not when coming from Jin.”
Koki’s eyes narrow. “That’s not true.”
That’s another thing - Kame never did understand Jin. But Koki does. He gets them both. It’s like he sits right on the fence line between the two of them. He’s the buffer that they have always been missing.
“Have you tried talking to him?”
In response Kame laughs, a scratchy, pained sound. “You know how well that usually turns out.”
There is a pause.
“But you want to, don’t you,” says Koki, and it’s not a question and he doesn’t clarify whether he means talk to Jin, make peace with Jin, or something else entirely.
“Yeah, well. You can’t have everything, right?”
Bumping shoulders with Kame, Koki grins, lopsided and teasing. “Oh, Kame. Always so serious. Relax. You’ve got me here. It’ll work out. I promise.”
***
Three days before Jin’s scheduled to leave the country again, he gets a message from Kame asking him to come over to his place the following night. Jin blinks at the text in front of him before shrugging and sliding his phone shut. It’s probably just KAT-TUN trying to be stealthy and throwing him a going away party. They were never very good at being stealthy after all, so when Jin arrives at Kame’s apartment the next night and is only greeted by Kame and Koki (who both look somber) and there is a distinct lack of balloons and alcohol around, he feels a little uneasy.
Yamapi is right; Jin’s face tends to reflect everything that he feels and Kame and Koki can clearly tell that he hadn’t been expecting to see them both there alone. (Not at all.) It’s hard to tell if he’s upset about it or not though. He nods at the two of them but it’s edgy and guarded.
“So. What’s going on?”
They are still standing in the tiny hall of Kame’s apartment and there’s barely enough room for the three of them there.
“How about we sit down first, hm?” Kame leads the way into the living room without looking back to see if they follow and Koki has to give Jin a firm push in the back to get him to move his feet.
Finally they settle down, Kame and Koki on the couch, and Jin in the armchair across from them. Kame gets up and pours them all a drink before nestling down next to Koki again. (It’s a good, aged whiskey and it slides smoothly down Jin’s throat. Somehow it’s not the sort of drink he has imagined grown up Kame to favour, but it fits.)
Jin polishes his glass off in two quick gulps and tries not to stare at the place where Kame and Koki’s thighs are pressed up together. As if to mock him, Kame takes his time with his drink, sipping it slowly, savouring every drop and throwing confusing looks at Jin over the brim of the glass. Koki places his now empty tumbler on the table in front of the couch and leans into Kame’s side, hand playing with the loose hairs at the nape of his neck and Jin wants to look away but he can’t. It’s maddening and he can’t take much more of it.
“Okay, we’re sitting down. So? What’s this - an intervention?”
“Something like that.” Koki’s voice sounds even and measured but his shoulders are a tense line, making it obvious how nervous he really is. “We talked about this,” Koki waves his hand between the three of them vaguely, but his meaning is more than clear at this stage, “and we decided that we want to give this a go.”
Even before Koki has finished speaking, Kame is already up and moving toward Jin. “Jin.” His voice cracks a little. “Jin. You don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”
Of course. Koki just puts the facts before him, but Kame is giving him an out. Kame would never want to force him into it. Free will. It’s all about free will with Kame.
When Jin lifts his head to meet Kame’s eyes, he finds Kame towering over him, close enough to breach his personal space but not yet close enough to touch. Jin doesn’t like it that Kame is standing over him, looking down on him. He gets up from the couch and ends up shifting closer to Kame. Now they are close enough to touch. It’s the most natural thing in the world and so Jin reaches out and touches Kame’s arm.
He avoids Kame’s gaze as he lets his fingers slip down and encircle Kame’s wrist. Jin then flips Kame’s hand over and runs the pads of his fingers down his palm. He hears Kame swallow thickly and feels the shiver that crawls down his frame.
The moment is broken when Koki clears his throat loudly. His voice sounds closer and Jin has no idea when he managed to move over to stand just behind Kame. “So. Akanishi? What do you say?”
What is there to say? Jin closes his eyes briefly and his fingers tighten where they are clutching Kame’s hand. In response, Kame’s free hand shoots out and latches onto Jin’s waist, tugging on the wide soft leather of his belt.
“Well, it’s not like the ticket is non-refundable.” Jin’s smile is crooked, unsure and probably the most honest it has been in a while.
“Good enough.” Koki’s grin is warm as he moves in on them, pressing up against Kame’s back, hips and shoulders touching. Kame turns around the moment he feels Koki there but his fingers don’t let go of Jin’s belt, don’t let him get separated from them.
It’s awkward and confusing and not just because there are more limbs and tongues involved than any of them is used to. It’s because there is too much history between the three of them, too much emotion. This isn’t just random sex that will be forgotten in the morning. This is real and serious and the stakes are high. (Too high.)
Koki backs up slowly, tugging Kame along by the hand until his back is pressed up against the solid wall and Kame is standing face-to-face with him still holding on to his hand. Jin comes up behind Kame a moment later and one of his hands goes around Kame’s waist, fingers rubbing at the soft cotton of his t-shirt and the warm skin visible between the hem of the shirt and his jeans. His knuckles inadvertently press into Koki’s stomach, making him suck in a quick breath and push his hips forward into Kame.
This seems to break some restraint within Kame as he lunges forward and kisses Koki on the mouth, tongue sweeping over his bottom lip and licking at his teeth. Jin takes his cue, leaving a trail of quick wet kisses along Kame’s neck and sharp jaw, then pressing his lips to the juncture where Koki and Kame’s lips meet. He feels them jerk in surprise a little and Koki’s eyes snap open to watch him warily, but neither of them pull back. One of Koki’s hands moves to tangle in Jin’s hair and guide him into the kiss more and Kame maneuvers his head a little to the other side, allowing more room between the three of them.
There’s another moment of hesitation as none of them are quite sure of what should happen next, then Koki leans back in and licks at the corner of Kame’s mouth, who does the same to Jin and in the process strokes the tip of his tongue along the length of Koki’s. It turns messy and demanding after this and it doesn’t leave them feeling breathless or kissed-out, but it does leave a nagging feeling of want behind.
Then Kame untangles himself from the confusing mess of limbs and lips and goes over to his bedroom door, pushing it open. Koki follows him, which leaves only Jin standing a little distance away, already feeling too cold and alone.
Jin has no idea how this is supposed to work between them, or even whether it will work out at all, but at least they are trying, at least they are giving it a go and that has to count for something. He isn’t even sure whether he’s ready to stick around long enough to find out. But he’s here now.
He can see Kame and Koki framed in the doorway, looking at him, waiting, and he smiles and steps over the threshold, closing the door firmly behind himself.
END.