Comments | jtucktattoo: My query weary.....

jtucktattoo

My query weary.....

Sep 16, 2009 18:26

So here is the query I am sending out. I have of course edited out the contact info, simply because anyone who needs to contact me already can, all others use LJ. This is just for your amusement. If you want to critique it feel free ( Read more... )

Comments 8

moonwolf23 September 16 2009, 23:29:36 UTC

Good luck

I think you are using some redundant sentences. You may want to look over it, and see if you can make it sound more concise.

Take out concisely written. Leave dark urban fantasy, action packed tale. Maybe lead with the sentence of who this book will appeal to. Try to take out the as well as part of the sentence. It takes out the oomph and makes you come from a weaker standpoint(my viewpoint)

Rewrite that last sentence. Use enclosing instead of including.

You may want to take a look at who the agent for Ilona Andrews(including her past one), C.E. Murphy, Jim Butcher, the romance author who wrote about Bones the vampire and the half vampire thing, the guy who wrote the zombie stories set in Seattle.

sandy_williams September 17 2009, 00:15:40 UTC

Ooh, I love vamp stories. I'm by no means a query expert, but I think you might be able to improve this. The story sounds interesting, but I was a little confused by "A horde of vampires descend to finish the job once Deacon discovers that Nyteblade is a bumbling, fumbling, wanna-be instead of a badass vampire hunter." What job? Deacon didn't take the job to kill Nyte. Is Nyte supposed to kill Deacon? It's not clear (to me). And I'm not sure why Deacon's discovery of Nyte's bumbling etc. caused the vamps to finish the job.

You also might consider taking out the rhetorical question. Most agents hate them.

Love the line: Someone should have sent more vampires. :-)

moonwolf23 September 17 2009, 01:58:53 UTC

Yeah I am confused by the this, the title when it sounds like the main character is Nyte.

dpeterfreund September 17 2009, 16:06:54 UTC

There's some overkill here, way too much time spent on the initial set up that doesn't, in the end, have much bearing on the plot, and that title is going to scare anyone off. Additionally, there's no explanation why the story is named after some OTHER character when Deacon is the supposedly the main character ( ... )

moonwolf23 September 17 2009, 17:48:21 UTC

Sticks out tongue

Yeah I was thinking this, only not as well put.

sighs.

sandy_williams September 17 2009, 21:00:49 UTC

Ah, you're right. It isn't a rhetorical question; just a question which confused me. :-)

jtucktattoo September 17 2009, 19:12:08 UTC

Thanks for all the comments. I do appreciate them ( ... )

dpeterfreund September 17 2009, 20:40:16 UTC

I never called my books with a tagline. That tagline was added (against my will, but that's neither here nor there) by the publisher (the PERSON, not the company) after the cover had been designed, after the book had been edited and marketed, after it had been bought and slotted by a publisher as a series, after my agent had sold it, after my agent had signed me, and many, many, many steps after a query letter ( ... )