In which I complain and afterwards feel bad about it...
ARGGGHHHHH! A virtual scream seems to be the only thing I can do at the moment but just, arggggh. Also I can't make lj cut work, arggggh!
Aspects of my life are driving me completely and utterly crazy.
I have been done over, been to rock bottom and back again and it has certainly changed me, I am so much stronger, more independent and much much happier. The main thing I did was let go of someone in my life who had always been alternately a help and a massive hindrance, I thought this person would never change, I accepted that and in my mind I totally moved on. Now, they have decided they have changed, and it does indeed seem they have but unfortunately my feelings have run dry, I have no emotions left for this person and although I care about them, much of the time I just want them to leave me alone. Said person is now displaying all traits of 'Mr Perfect' and is being everything I would have wanted 18 months ago but now I just cannot go back, it is too late. I've explained, they accepted it and promises have been made to stop the long long texts, emails etc and focus on our son. So that's the rub, the new tactic seems to be one of guilt tripping me back by implying that living in not the best area, with a single mum is not ideal (he has a good job/prospects, I have a pretty low paid job)- uh yes, I know that, I've been there, so that must mean I should manufacture the feelings I once had so as not to feel bad about this? I will feel guilty whatever I do but I can't lie. The implication is basically 'what you can provide on your own is not good enough.'
I have felt angry at times, because it seems very unfair that, after being kept waiting for years and warning that at some point it will be too late, I now look like the bad guy because I just can't go back. I'm 25, I cannot spend a lifetime with someone just to avoid the inconvenience of financial struggle, it just isn't right. This person also added a nice little caveat - 'your dad may be a good stepdad to your step siblings but not all step dads are good' - so I would end up with someone crap - what kind of statement is that?! I feel furious now because I think most mothers feel guilty enough about their choices without having someone explicitly trying to make them feel like that. It has all been very amicable until now but I just want to scream. Also after telling me to move forward and be independent for so long my mum has now decided that because this person has changed I should leap right back in - BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! I feel under so much pressure from all sides and it is making me so upset and angry. Phew. It feels better to type that. I'm not sure I will actually feel bad about this complaint as it is actually quite valid.
Aspects of my life are driving me completely and utterly crazy.
I have been done over, been to rock bottom and back again and it has certainly changed me, I am so much stronger, more independent and much much happier. The main thing I did was let go of someone in my life who had always been alternately a help and a massive hindrance, I thought this person would never change, I accepted that and in my mind I totally moved on. Now, they have decided they have changed, and it does indeed seem they have but unfortunately my feelings have run dry, I have no emotions left for this person and although I care about them, much of the time I just want them to leave me alone. Said person is now displaying all traits of 'Mr Perfect' and is being everything I would have wanted 18 months ago but now I just cannot go back, it is too late. I've explained, they accepted it and promises have been made to stop the long long texts, emails etc and focus on our son. So that's the rub, the new tactic seems to be one of guilt tripping me back by implying that living in not the best area, with a single mum is not ideal (he has a good job/prospects, I have a pretty low paid job)- uh yes, I know that, I've been there, so that must mean I should manufacture the feelings I once had so as not to feel bad about this? I will feel guilty whatever I do but I can't lie. The implication is basically 'what you can provide on your own is not good enough.'
I have felt angry at times, because it seems very unfair that, after being kept waiting for years and warning that at some point it will be too late, I now look like the bad guy because I just can't go back. I'm 25, I cannot spend a lifetime with someone just to avoid the inconvenience of financial struggle, it just isn't right. This person also added a nice little caveat - 'your dad may be a good stepdad to your step siblings but not all step dads are good' - so I would end up with someone crap - what kind of statement is that?! I feel furious now because I think most mothers feel guilty enough about their choices without having someone explicitly trying to make them feel like that. It has all been very amicable until now but I just want to scream. Also after telling me to move forward and be independent for so long my mum has now decided that because this person has changed I should leap right back in - BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!!! I feel under so much pressure from all sides and it is making me so upset and angry. Phew. It feels better to type that. I'm not sure I will actually feel bad about this complaint as it is actually quite valid.