If Not For You
Title: If Not For You
Characters: Jude/Max
Fandom: Across the Universe
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1
Prompt: 7, Babble
Author's Note: This is entirely a product of imagination, and I do not own Jude Feeny, Max Carrigan, or any of the other characters depicted in the film Across the Universe.
Dear Jude,
I hope this letter gets to you. And I hope that it makes sense when it does. Sometimes I feel like I can't think straight in this place, and everything I say or write is just a lot of babble with no rhyme or reason to it. But I'll try to keep my thoughts clear.
Thinking about you is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes, did you know that? There are nights when I'm rolled up in a sleeping bag, looking up at the stars, when I can close my eyes and almost feel you next to me, here in my arms.
I wish more than anything that was true. Well, with a few little adjustments, that is. I wouldn't want you to be here, Jude. This is one place where you don't belong -- hell, I don't feel like I belong here, either. I'm only here because I was forced into it.
I'd rather think of you safe at home, in our bed, and me right there beside you, holding you and kissing you and making love to you. I'd do anything to be there with you, baby. Anything. There aren't any words for how badly I miss you, especially at night.
Thinking about you and planning how we're going to spend our time together when I get back home is how I get through the days here. The nights .... they're a lot harder to cope with. That's when I miss you the most, when I'm lying here without you next to me.
All the babbling in the world, no matter how disjointed and incoherent it is, can't disguise the fact that I miss you and I need you. The nights keep getting longer here, I think, and that's because I don't have you with me, to hold and to love.
Don't take that to mean that my feelings for you aren't just as strong because we're so far apart. It's the opposite, believe me. I love you more now than I ever have, because I miss you so much. I don't think you ever realize how much you love somebody until you're not with them.
Loving you is what's getting me through this -- the long nights, the days of trekking under a hot sun, the times when I have to do unspeakable things that I don't want to talk to you about because I don't want any of this to touch you if it doesn't have to.
You know what war can be like, Jude. And I'm seeing the worst of it over here. I've always been against war and fighting and killing; this isn't the place for me to be. I know that I'm defending my country, and that's a good thing, but I don't want to do it like this.
I hate killing people. I know that it's something I have to do if I want to stay alive, because the people I've faced in combat are focused on killing me. But that doesn't make it the right thing to do, Jude. I'm convinced of that. I always have been.
I'm only doing it because I know it's them or me. But some of the people I've had to face and cut down have been little more than kids. It gives me a sick feeling to know what I'm doing, and I know that I'll feel guilty about it for the rest of my life.
The only way I'm getting through this, every battle we fight, every day and every night that I'm over here away from you, is the knowledge that every one of those days and nights, every one of those battles, is bringing me closer to the day when I'll be back home with you.
You're all that keeps me going. If I didn't know that I have you to come back home to, then there wouldn't be any reason for me to try to stay alive. I'd have given up long ago if not for you, Jude. Don't ever forget that you're my beacon of hope.
What would I do without you? I don't want to think about that. The most important thing to me right now is that I have you in my life, even if we have to be far apart at the moment. I know we'll be together again, Jude. I have to believe that.
If I didn't have that hope in my life, then I wouldn't have any reason to keep going and to make it through all this. I'd probably still have some kind of sense of self-preservation, but it wouldn't be nearly as strong as it is -- and I wouldn't really care if I lived or died.
I guess I shouldn't say that. Everybody cares whether they live or die, don't they? The self-preservation instinct will always kick in, unless the person has given up on life to the point where they really don't care any more. And I'm not the kind of guy to reach that point easily.
In fact, I doubt if I ever will. The only thing that could drive me to that point is losing you -- and I know that won't happen. You're the most faithful, loving guy in the universe. There's no way that I'm going to lose you to somebody else, even after we've been apart for what seems like forever.
I'll never believe that you could ever be unfaithful to me, either physically or in your heart. You're not that kind of person -- and neither am I. We'll always be together, Jude, especially in our hearts and souls, where it matters the most.
Is any of this babble making sense? Sometimes I wonder if any of the words I write sound like they're just the ravings of a guy who's going crazy being away from the person he loves, and from everything he knows and holds dear. I wonder if I sound like a lunatic.
To you, maybe I don't. I do to myself, and probably to anybody else who might happen to find some of what I've written to you and read it. But you know where I'm coming from, Jude. You know my heart. You know who I really am deep down inside. You always have.
If not for you, then I wouldn't make any sense to anybody. I'd just be a madman, babbling on to myself, with nobody to care about what I'm saying. That makes you the most important person in my life, Jude. Now, and always. Don't ever forget that -- even if there are times when I don't make any sense.
Love always,
Max
Characters: Jude/Max
Fandom: Across the Universe
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1
Prompt: 7, Babble
Author's Note: This is entirely a product of imagination, and I do not own Jude Feeny, Max Carrigan, or any of the other characters depicted in the film Across the Universe.
Dear Jude,
I hope this letter gets to you. And I hope that it makes sense when it does. Sometimes I feel like I can't think straight in this place, and everything I say or write is just a lot of babble with no rhyme or reason to it. But I'll try to keep my thoughts clear.
Thinking about you is the only thing that keeps me going sometimes, did you know that? There are nights when I'm rolled up in a sleeping bag, looking up at the stars, when I can close my eyes and almost feel you next to me, here in my arms.
I wish more than anything that was true. Well, with a few little adjustments, that is. I wouldn't want you to be here, Jude. This is one place where you don't belong -- hell, I don't feel like I belong here, either. I'm only here because I was forced into it.
I'd rather think of you safe at home, in our bed, and me right there beside you, holding you and kissing you and making love to you. I'd do anything to be there with you, baby. Anything. There aren't any words for how badly I miss you, especially at night.
Thinking about you and planning how we're going to spend our time together when I get back home is how I get through the days here. The nights .... they're a lot harder to cope with. That's when I miss you the most, when I'm lying here without you next to me.
All the babbling in the world, no matter how disjointed and incoherent it is, can't disguise the fact that I miss you and I need you. The nights keep getting longer here, I think, and that's because I don't have you with me, to hold and to love.
Don't take that to mean that my feelings for you aren't just as strong because we're so far apart. It's the opposite, believe me. I love you more now than I ever have, because I miss you so much. I don't think you ever realize how much you love somebody until you're not with them.
Loving you is what's getting me through this -- the long nights, the days of trekking under a hot sun, the times when I have to do unspeakable things that I don't want to talk to you about because I don't want any of this to touch you if it doesn't have to.
You know what war can be like, Jude. And I'm seeing the worst of it over here. I've always been against war and fighting and killing; this isn't the place for me to be. I know that I'm defending my country, and that's a good thing, but I don't want to do it like this.
I hate killing people. I know that it's something I have to do if I want to stay alive, because the people I've faced in combat are focused on killing me. But that doesn't make it the right thing to do, Jude. I'm convinced of that. I always have been.
I'm only doing it because I know it's them or me. But some of the people I've had to face and cut down have been little more than kids. It gives me a sick feeling to know what I'm doing, and I know that I'll feel guilty about it for the rest of my life.
The only way I'm getting through this, every battle we fight, every day and every night that I'm over here away from you, is the knowledge that every one of those days and nights, every one of those battles, is bringing me closer to the day when I'll be back home with you.
You're all that keeps me going. If I didn't know that I have you to come back home to, then there wouldn't be any reason for me to try to stay alive. I'd have given up long ago if not for you, Jude. Don't ever forget that you're my beacon of hope.
What would I do without you? I don't want to think about that. The most important thing to me right now is that I have you in my life, even if we have to be far apart at the moment. I know we'll be together again, Jude. I have to believe that.
If I didn't have that hope in my life, then I wouldn't have any reason to keep going and to make it through all this. I'd probably still have some kind of sense of self-preservation, but it wouldn't be nearly as strong as it is -- and I wouldn't really care if I lived or died.
I guess I shouldn't say that. Everybody cares whether they live or die, don't they? The self-preservation instinct will always kick in, unless the person has given up on life to the point where they really don't care any more. And I'm not the kind of guy to reach that point easily.
In fact, I doubt if I ever will. The only thing that could drive me to that point is losing you -- and I know that won't happen. You're the most faithful, loving guy in the universe. There's no way that I'm going to lose you to somebody else, even after we've been apart for what seems like forever.
I'll never believe that you could ever be unfaithful to me, either physically or in your heart. You're not that kind of person -- and neither am I. We'll always be together, Jude, especially in our hearts and souls, where it matters the most.
Is any of this babble making sense? Sometimes I wonder if any of the words I write sound like they're just the ravings of a guy who's going crazy being away from the person he loves, and from everything he knows and holds dear. I wonder if I sound like a lunatic.
To you, maybe I don't. I do to myself, and probably to anybody else who might happen to find some of what I've written to you and read it. But you know where I'm coming from, Jude. You know my heart. You know who I really am deep down inside. You always have.
If not for you, then I wouldn't make any sense to anybody. I'd just be a madman, babbling on to myself, with nobody to care about what I'm saying. That makes you the most important person in my life, Jude. Now, and always. Don't ever forget that -- even if there are times when I don't make any sense.
Love always,
Max