if life's not beautiful without the pain ,
shot me down dead, dead, dead, consumed with a terrifying paralysis, an inability to function without an intense, piercing fear of:
oh, oh, i don't know, the unknown, dying, my inability to comprehend the purpose to all of this? everything has just lost all meaning and it's one of those inkblot drawings, where you squint your eyes and scrunch your forehead into knots and folds until finally you see an image, and once you've seen it yes you've got it now! you brilliant thing you, no matter how hard you try, it's impossible to refocus your sight and look at the drawing the way you first did. your mind has been tainted and it can't return, that is how i feel right now i suppose. hello, my name is julia burns, i have dark blonde hair and blue eyes, eighteen years old, i like to read powerful prose beneath white flower trees and small birds and the sound of his whispers and the smell of spring mornings and my favorite colours are grey and green and cerulean and i don't much care for the cracking of knuckles but i do have a penchant for the cracksmacksmack of my skull but oh! i forgot to mention that i'm actually a little blob floating around in a vast, endless black sea of... nothingness and that one day my body will shrivel up and decay beneath this earth that i love so much. that one day i will lose all sense of feeling and thought and i will cease to exist. that no matter what i do i will never conquer time and every moment is slipping away beneath soft sluggish fingers and that i am dying, i am dying and i go through each day as normal, water the garden wash the dishes keep that smile big and shiny when you pick up the phone because they'll hear it in your bright beaming voice! and be sure to keep things tidy, always the need for sparkling floors and windows and oh that dust on the piano has to go and please keep your shoes and coats straight and even everything in line and be sure to maintain order to all of this excess, this excess, this junk that we're surrounded with and oh i don't even feel depressed! it isn't that i'm sad only scared god i'm so scared and these days i just don't understand why everyone isn't flooding the streets screaming and shaking their little limbs wildly in terror! screaming and crying out on the degredation of the universe and of our bodies and minds and souls and who are we??? who are we who the fuck are you and i and why are we here????? and am i the only one frozen in fear of all of this chaos???? and then i am
calm. i'm calm, and serene, but then all over again i'm bursting! i'm silent as can be but can't you see how fucking loud my desires are? how much i want beauty and meaning? i feel as though i've always been fighting time, always waiting and waiting for the next thing to look forward to and then once its here i'm furious that those moments are gone from me, that i'll never taste them and move my body with their magic again and i'm a relentless procrastinator who wants to drink up every last second, what a contradiction i've made myself! why have i spent so long wasting away when i am dying i am dying i am living i am dying every god damn fucking moment is so precious and i want the whole world in my teeth yet day after day i writhe around in bed in motionless filth and the beauty stops at the trees in my yard and what the fuck am i thinking WASTING all of this TIME and i just want to tear away at my skin claw down to these bones and dig and dig and trace each vein until i find the reason and the meaning and why
oh goodnight .
edit:: i just spent the last twenty minutes rolling up and down the hill in front of my house and rubbing my face into the freshly cut grass and blasting my music while i laid in the dark staring up at the electric moon and oh there is something that i'm searching for and i just want to live with such strength that i'm barely breathing