Emotional Biopsy - Dentist!AU - PG-13, Jared/Jensen
Title: Emotional Biopsy
Series: Dentist!AU
Author: thelonejuliet
Characters: Jared, Jensen, Tom, other CW stars mentioned
Pairing: Jared/Jensen, mention of Jensen/Justin (Hartley) unrequited Chad/Jared
Word Count: 3,284
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None that I can really think of
Disclaimer: These people belong only to themselves - and maybe their mamas. I'm pretty sure that Jensen is not a dentist and Jared a barowner, but I could be wrong. :)
Beta: None...
Author's Note(s): Sorry it took so long AGAIN. School piled up, but the next part will come faster - I promise!
The definition of 'biopsy': A process of removing tissue to determine the existence of pathology.
Previous Parts of the Dentist!AU found here or here.
All fics found here or here!
Verse Summary - Jensen Ackles, a new dentist in town with a troubled love life, takes on a new patient in the form of barowner Jared Padalecki. Sparks fly and attraction deepens but can the secrets that both men harbor destroy everything before it's too late?
Chapter/Part Summary: Jensen hears from an old friend, one that isn't at all welcome.
Emotional Biopsy
“What do I have lined up today, Kristen?”
Jensen pulled off his suit jacket and switched it out with the lab coat hanging on the rack in the corner. Truth be told, he really didn’t want to deal with anyone, and he was hoping that he wouldn’t have to. He wouldn’t mind a quiet day at the office, just catching up on paperwork, especially after the week he’d had dealing with Douchebag Chad, who was becoming more jealous by the minute.
“Not much,” Kristen called from her desk. “There’s an appointment at 10, another at 10:30, then a final one at 12:30.”
Jensen grinned to himself. “Awesome. Maybe we can leave early!”
He heard Kristen laugh just before he closed the door and settled himself in his chair, flicking on his PC. He hadn’t gone through his personal email in days, and he wasn’t looking forward to weeding through everything. He was sure there’d be plenty of how-are-yous from random people, and chain mails from his sister would probably have him going over the size limit of his mailbox.
As soon as Hotmail loaded his inbox, one email stood out, causing Jensen’s mouth to go dry.
It was from Justin Hartley. Subject: Been a while.
Oh. Fuck.
Curiosity warred with fear in Jensen’s head, coiling his stomach into knots. What could Justin possibly want now, after a year of not speaking to him? Justin had never even apologized to him for all the damage he caused, not one single “I’m sorry.”
Eventually, after what seemed like hours staring at the link, Jensen scrolled over and clicked it. What he read was most certainly not what he expected.
From: Justin Hartley
To: Jensen Ackles
Subject: Been a while
Body:
Hey Jensen,
How’s it goin’, man? I haven’t talked to you in forever, so I figured I’d check in, see how you are .Trust me, it’s not like I don’t know why we haven’t spoken. I know you want an apology. I want to give it to you - I think I owe you that much. I’m sorry I’ve been too chicken shit to say it before now.
I don’t know why I said what I did, why I didn’t just tell my mother what was really going on. I should’ve stuck up for you, for us. But, my parents were so angry with me…it was easier for them to believe that I’d been brainwashed, so I went with it, believing that you’d forgive me for indulging them. I didn’t know they’d take it that far, Jen. I had no idea. And, once they did…how could I go back? How was I supposed to face you, knowing what was happening? It was me or them and I got scared. I couldn’t lose my family.
I didn’t realize at the time that I couldn’t lose you either. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that things happened the way they did. I didn’t know…I didn’t know how much I loved you. Still love you… God, I miss you, Jen.
Forgive me? Please? I can make it up to you. I will make it up to you…
Love,
Justin
P.S. I’ll be in Austin for about a month, starting in a couple weeks, after the New Year. I want to see you.
Jensen closed the window as soon as he was finished reading and stared at the computer screen in utter shock, a picture of him and Jared smiling back at him from his desktop, mocking him.
Justin missed him. Fucking missed him, after all the shit he’d pulled? He had the nerve to ask Jensen to go back to him after ruining Jensen’s life.
Oh, hell no.
He shot up from his desk and swung the office door open with tremendous force. “Kristen!” he hollered. “Can you please cancel everything today? Reschedule it for Monday, first thing - hell, tomorrow morning if they can’t wait. There’s something I need to do.”
He hardly heard Kristen’s surprised agreement. He pulled off his lab coat, tossing it in the general vicinity of his desk, grabbed his jacket from the coat rack and stormed out the door, pulling his phone and keys from his pocket as he went.
It took him 20 minutes of aimless driving before he figured he was calmed down enough to call Jared.
“Hello?” Jared sounded slightly out of breath, like maybe he’d run to the phone.
“Jay?” Jensen couldn’t stop his voice from shaking, his grip on the phone and steering wheel turning painful. “Are you home? Can you do something with me?”
He paused for a moment, for Jared to answer, but spoke again before the guy got the chance, tears finally beginning to fall after so long. “I need you,” he whispered, voice breaking on the last word.
He could hear Jared’s breathing across the line; it was heavy, calculating. When Jared spoke again, it was much softer. “Anything, Jen.”
“I’ll be there in five minutes.”
* * *
Tom wouldn’t say he was surprised to see his cousin coming through his office door, hand clamped around his boyfriend’s like a vice. Surprised wasn’t the right word. As a matter of fact, flabbergasted didn’t even begin to cover it.
He immediately knew something was wrong. It wasn’t often that Jensen lost control; it took a lot to break him. Now, it looked like he was on the edge of shattering into hundreds of tiny little pieces. That alone worried Tom more than anything, even if it were perfectly normal for Jensen to randomly barge into private offices.
“Jen?” he asked, almost jumping out of his chair. He shot a questioning look at Jared, who just shrugged helplessly. If Jensen’s behavior wasn’t enough to have him freaking out, the panicked look on Jared’s face would have done it.
“Jen, sit down,” Tom whispered, guiding his cousin into a chair, Jared collapsing in the one next to it. Tom couldn’t help the small smile at the way Jared was clinging to Jensen like his life depended on it.
Jensen took a deep breath, looking up at Tom for a split second before he focused his gaze on his shoes. “Justin. I got an email from Justin,” he said, so quietly that Tom almost missed it.
Almost.
He heard Jared’s gasp at the same time he made his own. “Justin Hartley? What the hell does that fucker want?”
Jensen swallowed audibly, his throat clicking loud enough to shatter the tense silence covering the air above their heads.
Tom’s heart was pounding in his chest; he was sure the other two men could hear it, maybe even his secretary on the other side of the thick oak door. He swore a year and a half previous, that Justin would get what was coming to him for hurting Jensen like that. No one messed with his family, and all the professional damage upped the ante. When the charges were dropped, Tom was furious. Jensen was absolutely destroyed, but Justin got to go on his living his life with no effects whatsoever.
And now he was back, trying again to break Jensen just that little bit more.
“He apologized…says he misses me, loves me.” As soon as the last word was out of Jensen’s mouth, Jared tightened his grip on Jensen’s hand so much that his knuckles turned white, and then scooted his chair closer, bringing their thighs aligned.
Jensen turned his face toward the wall, sniffling, and Tom knew that he was trying to hide his tears. That’s when he began to see red. Jensen had never cried in front of him before, not once in their entire lives, so the fact that he was that upset…
“Jensen, listen to me,” Tom said forcefully, trying not to let his anger get the best of him. He knelt down on the floor, in front of Jensen’s chair and grabbed his free hand, clasping it in both of his. He waited until Jensen looked back at him, eyes red, before he spoke again. “I won’t let him get near you, okay? Justin is not going to bother you. I refuse to let him ruin things anymore than he already has. We’ll do whatever it takes - restraining orders, getting him thrown in jail for ridiculous charges.”
Jensen snorted and let a small smile cross his face. Tom glanced at Jared, who nodded his head, and continued on, speaking softly, “I promise you, okay? I swear on everything that is sacred, Justin is not going to get to you. You’ve done so well, cuz, building your life back up. I’m going to make sure that it stays that way. Jared, Mike, they’ll help. We’ll look out for you.”
Jared cleared his throat. “Not to be…uh…presumptuous, Tom…but, could you…I mean, me and Jen…”
Tom smiled, “Yeah, Jay. I’ll go grab some coffee, give you guys a few minutes.”
As soon as the office door was closed behind him, he called Mike. He didn’t even give Mike a chance to say ‘hello’ before he was going off, ranting and raving about the nerve of Justin Hartley and what he was going to do to him if so much as thought about Jensen again.
For once, Mike didn’t have one half-assed joke to throw in the mix.
* * *
When Jared woke up, the first thing he noticed was that Jensen wasn’t cuddled up next to him as he had been when they’d drifted off to sleep. The only thing he felt was cold sheets. Trying not to panic in his sleep-muddled state, and clamping down firmly on the idea that Justin had come to take Jensen away to be his personal sex slave, Jared made his way to the kitchen, hoping that the soft noises he heard weren’t due Chad and his latest conquest re-Christening the couch.
He found Jensen sitting at the bar, cup of coffee clenched tightly in his hands. “Hey,” Jared whispered, leaning against the doorjamb, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “You know it’s 3:30 in the morning, right? And that it’s Saturday? And that we have nowhere to be until 3:30 in the afternoon? So we have at least ten more hours to hang out in bed?”
Jensen chuckled softly. “Yeah, I know,” he said quietly, not glancing away from the counter. “Just couldn’t sleep.”
Jared nodded and walked over to wrap his arms around Jensen from behind, laying his chin on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Jen. About Justin.”
Jensen sighed, relinquished his grip on the mug and wrapped his fingers around Jared’s forearm, relaxing and leaning back into the embrace. “There’s absolutely nothing to be sorry for. You…you’re amazing. You know that?” Jensen breathed, his words barely reaching Jared’s ears, as if he were too afraid to speak. “I’ve never…you’re the best thing that could have ever happened to me. After Justin, I never thought… I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for you…when I got that email? You were the only thing that kept me from falling apart… Jared, you’re wonderful.”
When Jensen stopped to take a breath, Jared tightened his hold on Jensen. A comfortable silence settled over them, one Jared was more than happy to let stretch on. Jensen still hadn’t managed to utter the words “I love you” but when things like that came out of his mouth, Jared found that he couldn’t really complain.
“Jay, will you come home with me?” Jared stiffened at the sudden question, comfort interrupted, not much but obviously enough for Jensen to notice because he quickly continued, “It’s okay, if you don’t…want to, I mean…it’s just a suggestion since I know that you won’t be going back to San Antonio for Christmas and Chad’s really not the best person to spend a loving holiday with and my mom…well, she’d really like to meet you. So would Dad, actually. Not to mention to Josh and Ma -”
Jared cut him off suddenly, spinning Jensen around on the barstool, while he was still rambling, and pressing their lips together. Jensen wanted him to go home for Christmas. Sure, that wouldn’t have seemed like such a big deal to anyone else, but since Jensen hadn’t even told Jared he loved him yet, it meant a helluva lot that he wanted Jared to meet his family. Jensen loved his family and he wanted Jared to be there, with him, to be a part of it.
Jared let the warmth settling in his belly spread throughout the rest of his body as he kissed Jensen like his life depended on it. He could feel Jensen smile against his lips as he framed Jensen’s face with both hands, while Jensen settled his hands on Jared’s hips. Jensen easily opened his mouth to Jared’s questing tongue and Jared poured everything he had into the kiss, passion forcing him into lightheadness by the time he finally broke away and rested his forehead against Jensen’s.
Jensen let out a quiet laugh, air puffing against Jared’s face. “So, I guess that’s a ‘yes?’”
Jared laughed. “Most definitely a yes.” He gave Jensen another quick kiss. “God, I lo -”
“Don’t,” Jensen whispered suddenly, eyes widening almost comically. He shifted, trembling, and pulled back out of Jared’s embrace.
Jared blinked at him rather stupidly, shocked at the sudden change of demeanor. Though, he should have suspected something like that would happen. Every time Jared had even tried to say those words - or anything like them, for that matter - Jensen would quickly change the subject.
He was getting tired of it, to say the least.
“Okay,” Jared grumbled, unnerved and a little frightened. He sat down on the stool next to Jensen’s. “What’s the deal, Jen? Why won’t you let me tell you that I -”
Jensen climbed off the barstool and walked around, busying himself in the kitchen. Jared just waited, trying not to let his annoyance get the better of him. He really hated having a damaged boyfriend sometimes; there were just so many issues. It wasn’t like Jared didn’t have his own hang-ups, and he realized that not everyone could be as expressive as he was with his feelings, his thoughts. But, Jensen was so hot and cold that, sometimes, Jared was irrationally afraid to approach him.
Jensen suddenly stopped moving, leaning over the sink like the answers to life’s mysteries were hidden within. Jared made his way into the kitchen; he knew that if Jensen decided to talk, it’d be far too softly for him to hear unless he was right next to him.
“If you say it, then it will be real,” Jensen said, a few beats of Jared appeared at his side, hand stroking soothingly along his back.
Jared was bewildered, unable to decipher Jensen’s cryptic explanation. “Jen,” he started, trying to choosing his words somewhat carefully, “even if I don’t say it…it’s still real. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel that way.”
Jensen shook his head and took a few steps back so that he could look up at Jared. “No, you don’t get it. If you say it out loud, then that makes it real. Then I know, for sure. But, if you don’t say it…then I’ll just be wondering.”
Jared’s confusion was growing exponentially by the second. “Jen,” he responded slowly, “how would that be better? Wouldn’t you rather know that I love you than try to guess my feelings?”
He didn’t miss the way Jensen flinched at the word, love.
Surprisingly, Jensen didn’t run but covered the few feet between them, stepping into the space of Jared’s legs, where he stood leaning against the counter, and wrapping his arms around his waist, ducking his head to Jared’s chest. Jared just wrapped his arms around Jensen’s shoulders, breathing in his scent, taking in the moment even as his head was still spinning.
“If you say it out loud, then you’ll leave.”
Jared pulled back enough to look down at Jensen’s face. He couldn’t figure out how that one worked, but he did finally realize the problem. “If I tell you that I love you…then I’ll leave? That makes no sense, man,” he chided, amusement and adoration battling for dominance with everything else going on in his head. “Jensen. I am not leaving, okay? Commitment doesn’t automatically lead to heartbreak.”
Jensen shifted his eyes away from Jared’s, but not before Jared saw the fear shining in them. So, he said it again, “I’m not leaving you. Ever. You and me, Jen? This is…this is what I want. This is all I want.”
Jensen nodded and stepped back, separating himself from Jared. Jared could almost physically see the walls being built back up. The day that Jensen had had was taxing; Jared couldn’t blame him for being vulnerable. But, he refused to let his boyfriend shut down again, lock everything away for only him to see.
“You know what? I would rather know,” Jared whispered, looking down at his feet. He knew he was playing dirty, but Jensen had left him no choice. “It’s been - what? A month? 6 weeks? - since I told you how I felt, or tried, and I haven’t heard one word from you. I’ve just been here, wondering if you love me back and I gotta tell ya, Jen. I don’t like it, not one bit. I don’t like guessing, trying to assure myself that you obviously feel something or you wouldn’t be here. Is that really what you want to feel? You want that hopelessness? That fear that you might just be alone in the depths of this thing?”
When he looked back up, Jensen was staring at him with shock, eyes wide, brain working over time. “Jay, no…I thought you knew… I…I didn’t tell you?”
Jared shook his head, shifting his eyes away again almost coyly. “I figured since you didn’t want me saying it that maybe it was because you didn’t feel it, too…”
“Jay…I do. Feel the same way, I mean. But. I mean…Justin was the last…”
Ah, there’s what Jared was waiting for him to say. He looked up, meeting Jensen’s eyes with what he hoped was an understanding look.
“Jensen, you cannot go through your life, punishing everyone else that decides to love you just because Justin was a fucking insensitive bastard. You can’t punish me because he left.” He moved towards Jensen, settling his hands on Jensen’s hips. The look on Jensen’s face was slowly thawing, that love that Jared had only speculated about beginning to break through the overwhelming terror. “I’m still here, aren’t I? Everything that’s happened, everything you’ve thrown at me, and I’m still here. I’m not him, Jensen, and I will never hurt you like he did.”
Jensen looked up at him sheepishly. “I am kind of a handful, aren’t I? Sorry ‘bout that…”
Jared chuckled, and pulled Jensen into a hug, smiling when he felt Jensen’s arm tighten around him, Jensen’s hands fisting in the back of his T-shirt. “Not a problem, Jen. It’s kept things… interesting,” he murmured. Then, after a few moments, he bent his head and whispered in Jensen’s ear, “I love you. I love you so much and I’m never going to stop saying it.”
Jensen’s body went tense for a second, but Jared repeated his declaration several more times, until Jensen had no choice but to relax into him again.
“I love you too, Jay,” was the last full sentence from either of them before Jared dragged Jensen to the bedroom to show him just how much love he had.
After all, he had to get some energy out of his system - he didn’t think Jensen’s parents would appreciate them having sex in the spare bedroom during Christmas dinner.
*****************
You know what happens now, kids: I beg for you to leave a comment; you roll your eyes at me [fondly, I hope] and move along. :) But, feedback is much appreciated!
Series: Dentist!AU
Author: thelonejuliet
Characters: Jared, Jensen, Tom, other CW stars mentioned
Pairing: Jared/Jensen, mention of Jensen/Justin (Hartley) unrequited Chad/Jared
Word Count: 3,284
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: None that I can really think of
Disclaimer: These people belong only to themselves - and maybe their mamas. I'm pretty sure that Jensen is not a dentist and Jared a barowner, but I could be wrong. :)
Beta: None...
Author's Note(s): Sorry it took so long AGAIN. School piled up, but the next part will come faster - I promise!
The definition of 'biopsy': A process of removing tissue to determine the existence of pathology.
Previous Parts of the Dentist!AU found here or here.
All fics found here or here!
Verse Summary - Jensen Ackles, a new dentist in town with a troubled love life, takes on a new patient in the form of barowner Jared Padalecki. Sparks fly and attraction deepens but can the secrets that both men harbor destroy everything before it's too late?
Chapter/Part Summary: Jensen hears from an old friend, one that isn't at all welcome.
Emotional Biopsy
“What do I have lined up today, Kristen?”
Jensen pulled off his suit jacket and switched it out with the lab coat hanging on the rack in the corner. Truth be told, he really didn’t want to deal with anyone, and he was hoping that he wouldn’t have to. He wouldn’t mind a quiet day at the office, just catching up on paperwork, especially after the week he’d had dealing with Douchebag Chad, who was becoming more jealous by the minute.
“Not much,” Kristen called from her desk. “There’s an appointment at 10, another at 10:30, then a final one at 12:30.”
Jensen grinned to himself. “Awesome. Maybe we can leave early!”
He heard Kristen laugh just before he closed the door and settled himself in his chair, flicking on his PC. He hadn’t gone through his personal email in days, and he wasn’t looking forward to weeding through everything. He was sure there’d be plenty of how-are-yous from random people, and chain mails from his sister would probably have him going over the size limit of his mailbox.
As soon as Hotmail loaded his inbox, one email stood out, causing Jensen’s mouth to go dry.
It was from Justin Hartley. Subject: Been a while.
Oh. Fuck.
Curiosity warred with fear in Jensen’s head, coiling his stomach into knots. What could Justin possibly want now, after a year of not speaking to him? Justin had never even apologized to him for all the damage he caused, not one single “I’m sorry.”
Eventually, after what seemed like hours staring at the link, Jensen scrolled over and clicked it. What he read was most certainly not what he expected.
From: Justin Hartley
To: Jensen Ackles
Subject: Been a while
Body:
Hey Jensen,
How’s it goin’, man? I haven’t talked to you in forever, so I figured I’d check in, see how you are .Trust me, it’s not like I don’t know why we haven’t spoken. I know you want an apology. I want to give it to you - I think I owe you that much. I’m sorry I’ve been too chicken shit to say it before now.
I don’t know why I said what I did, why I didn’t just tell my mother what was really going on. I should’ve stuck up for you, for us. But, my parents were so angry with me…it was easier for them to believe that I’d been brainwashed, so I went with it, believing that you’d forgive me for indulging them. I didn’t know they’d take it that far, Jen. I had no idea. And, once they did…how could I go back? How was I supposed to face you, knowing what was happening? It was me or them and I got scared. I couldn’t lose my family.
I didn’t realize at the time that I couldn’t lose you either. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that things happened the way they did. I didn’t know…I didn’t know how much I loved you. Still love you… God, I miss you, Jen.
Forgive me? Please? I can make it up to you. I will make it up to you…
Love,
Justin
P.S. I’ll be in Austin for about a month, starting in a couple weeks, after the New Year. I want to see you.
Jensen closed the window as soon as he was finished reading and stared at the computer screen in utter shock, a picture of him and Jared smiling back at him from his desktop, mocking him.
Justin missed him. Fucking missed him, after all the shit he’d pulled? He had the nerve to ask Jensen to go back to him after ruining Jensen’s life.
Oh, hell no.
He shot up from his desk and swung the office door open with tremendous force. “Kristen!” he hollered. “Can you please cancel everything today? Reschedule it for Monday, first thing - hell, tomorrow morning if they can’t wait. There’s something I need to do.”
He hardly heard Kristen’s surprised agreement. He pulled off his lab coat, tossing it in the general vicinity of his desk, grabbed his jacket from the coat rack and stormed out the door, pulling his phone and keys from his pocket as he went.
It took him 20 minutes of aimless driving before he figured he was calmed down enough to call Jared.
“Hello?” Jared sounded slightly out of breath, like maybe he’d run to the phone.
“Jay?” Jensen couldn’t stop his voice from shaking, his grip on the phone and steering wheel turning painful. “Are you home? Can you do something with me?”
He paused for a moment, for Jared to answer, but spoke again before the guy got the chance, tears finally beginning to fall after so long. “I need you,” he whispered, voice breaking on the last word.
He could hear Jared’s breathing across the line; it was heavy, calculating. When Jared spoke again, it was much softer. “Anything, Jen.”
“I’ll be there in five minutes.”
* * *
Tom wouldn’t say he was surprised to see his cousin coming through his office door, hand clamped around his boyfriend’s like a vice. Surprised wasn’t the right word. As a matter of fact, flabbergasted didn’t even begin to cover it.
He immediately knew something was wrong. It wasn’t often that Jensen lost control; it took a lot to break him. Now, it looked like he was on the edge of shattering into hundreds of tiny little pieces. That alone worried Tom more than anything, even if it were perfectly normal for Jensen to randomly barge into private offices.
“Jen?” he asked, almost jumping out of his chair. He shot a questioning look at Jared, who just shrugged helplessly. If Jensen’s behavior wasn’t enough to have him freaking out, the panicked look on Jared’s face would have done it.
“Jen, sit down,” Tom whispered, guiding his cousin into a chair, Jared collapsing in the one next to it. Tom couldn’t help the small smile at the way Jared was clinging to Jensen like his life depended on it.
Jensen took a deep breath, looking up at Tom for a split second before he focused his gaze on his shoes. “Justin. I got an email from Justin,” he said, so quietly that Tom almost missed it.
Almost.
He heard Jared’s gasp at the same time he made his own. “Justin Hartley? What the hell does that fucker want?”
Jensen swallowed audibly, his throat clicking loud enough to shatter the tense silence covering the air above their heads.
Tom’s heart was pounding in his chest; he was sure the other two men could hear it, maybe even his secretary on the other side of the thick oak door. He swore a year and a half previous, that Justin would get what was coming to him for hurting Jensen like that. No one messed with his family, and all the professional damage upped the ante. When the charges were dropped, Tom was furious. Jensen was absolutely destroyed, but Justin got to go on his living his life with no effects whatsoever.
And now he was back, trying again to break Jensen just that little bit more.
“He apologized…says he misses me, loves me.” As soon as the last word was out of Jensen’s mouth, Jared tightened his grip on Jensen’s hand so much that his knuckles turned white, and then scooted his chair closer, bringing their thighs aligned.
Jensen turned his face toward the wall, sniffling, and Tom knew that he was trying to hide his tears. That’s when he began to see red. Jensen had never cried in front of him before, not once in their entire lives, so the fact that he was that upset…
“Jensen, listen to me,” Tom said forcefully, trying not to let his anger get the best of him. He knelt down on the floor, in front of Jensen’s chair and grabbed his free hand, clasping it in both of his. He waited until Jensen looked back at him, eyes red, before he spoke again. “I won’t let him get near you, okay? Justin is not going to bother you. I refuse to let him ruin things anymore than he already has. We’ll do whatever it takes - restraining orders, getting him thrown in jail for ridiculous charges.”
Jensen snorted and let a small smile cross his face. Tom glanced at Jared, who nodded his head, and continued on, speaking softly, “I promise you, okay? I swear on everything that is sacred, Justin is not going to get to you. You’ve done so well, cuz, building your life back up. I’m going to make sure that it stays that way. Jared, Mike, they’ll help. We’ll look out for you.”
Jared cleared his throat. “Not to be…uh…presumptuous, Tom…but, could you…I mean, me and Jen…”
Tom smiled, “Yeah, Jay. I’ll go grab some coffee, give you guys a few minutes.”
As soon as the office door was closed behind him, he called Mike. He didn’t even give Mike a chance to say ‘hello’ before he was going off, ranting and raving about the nerve of Justin Hartley and what he was going to do to him if so much as thought about Jensen again.
For once, Mike didn’t have one half-assed joke to throw in the mix.
* * *
When Jared woke up, the first thing he noticed was that Jensen wasn’t cuddled up next to him as he had been when they’d drifted off to sleep. The only thing he felt was cold sheets. Trying not to panic in his sleep-muddled state, and clamping down firmly on the idea that Justin had come to take Jensen away to be his personal sex slave, Jared made his way to the kitchen, hoping that the soft noises he heard weren’t due Chad and his latest conquest re-Christening the couch.
He found Jensen sitting at the bar, cup of coffee clenched tightly in his hands. “Hey,” Jared whispered, leaning against the doorjamb, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “You know it’s 3:30 in the morning, right? And that it’s Saturday? And that we have nowhere to be until 3:30 in the afternoon? So we have at least ten more hours to hang out in bed?”
Jensen chuckled softly. “Yeah, I know,” he said quietly, not glancing away from the counter. “Just couldn’t sleep.”
Jared nodded and walked over to wrap his arms around Jensen from behind, laying his chin on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Jen. About Justin.”
Jensen sighed, relinquished his grip on the mug and wrapped his fingers around Jared’s forearm, relaxing and leaning back into the embrace. “There’s absolutely nothing to be sorry for. You…you’re amazing. You know that?” Jensen breathed, his words barely reaching Jared’s ears, as if he were too afraid to speak. “I’ve never…you’re the best thing that could have ever happened to me. After Justin, I never thought… I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for you…when I got that email? You were the only thing that kept me from falling apart… Jared, you’re wonderful.”
When Jensen stopped to take a breath, Jared tightened his hold on Jensen. A comfortable silence settled over them, one Jared was more than happy to let stretch on. Jensen still hadn’t managed to utter the words “I love you” but when things like that came out of his mouth, Jared found that he couldn’t really complain.
“Jay, will you come home with me?” Jared stiffened at the sudden question, comfort interrupted, not much but obviously enough for Jensen to notice because he quickly continued, “It’s okay, if you don’t…want to, I mean…it’s just a suggestion since I know that you won’t be going back to San Antonio for Christmas and Chad’s really not the best person to spend a loving holiday with and my mom…well, she’d really like to meet you. So would Dad, actually. Not to mention to Josh and Ma -”
Jared cut him off suddenly, spinning Jensen around on the barstool, while he was still rambling, and pressing their lips together. Jensen wanted him to go home for Christmas. Sure, that wouldn’t have seemed like such a big deal to anyone else, but since Jensen hadn’t even told Jared he loved him yet, it meant a helluva lot that he wanted Jared to meet his family. Jensen loved his family and he wanted Jared to be there, with him, to be a part of it.
Jared let the warmth settling in his belly spread throughout the rest of his body as he kissed Jensen like his life depended on it. He could feel Jensen smile against his lips as he framed Jensen’s face with both hands, while Jensen settled his hands on Jared’s hips. Jensen easily opened his mouth to Jared’s questing tongue and Jared poured everything he had into the kiss, passion forcing him into lightheadness by the time he finally broke away and rested his forehead against Jensen’s.
Jensen let out a quiet laugh, air puffing against Jared’s face. “So, I guess that’s a ‘yes?’”
Jared laughed. “Most definitely a yes.” He gave Jensen another quick kiss. “God, I lo -”
“Don’t,” Jensen whispered suddenly, eyes widening almost comically. He shifted, trembling, and pulled back out of Jared’s embrace.
Jared blinked at him rather stupidly, shocked at the sudden change of demeanor. Though, he should have suspected something like that would happen. Every time Jared had even tried to say those words - or anything like them, for that matter - Jensen would quickly change the subject.
He was getting tired of it, to say the least.
“Okay,” Jared grumbled, unnerved and a little frightened. He sat down on the stool next to Jensen’s. “What’s the deal, Jen? Why won’t you let me tell you that I -”
Jensen climbed off the barstool and walked around, busying himself in the kitchen. Jared just waited, trying not to let his annoyance get the better of him. He really hated having a damaged boyfriend sometimes; there were just so many issues. It wasn’t like Jared didn’t have his own hang-ups, and he realized that not everyone could be as expressive as he was with his feelings, his thoughts. But, Jensen was so hot and cold that, sometimes, Jared was irrationally afraid to approach him.
Jensen suddenly stopped moving, leaning over the sink like the answers to life’s mysteries were hidden within. Jared made his way into the kitchen; he knew that if Jensen decided to talk, it’d be far too softly for him to hear unless he was right next to him.
“If you say it, then it will be real,” Jensen said, a few beats of Jared appeared at his side, hand stroking soothingly along his back.
Jared was bewildered, unable to decipher Jensen’s cryptic explanation. “Jen,” he started, trying to choosing his words somewhat carefully, “even if I don’t say it…it’s still real. It doesn’t mean that I don’t feel that way.”
Jensen shook his head and took a few steps back so that he could look up at Jared. “No, you don’t get it. If you say it out loud, then that makes it real. Then I know, for sure. But, if you don’t say it…then I’ll just be wondering.”
Jared’s confusion was growing exponentially by the second. “Jen,” he responded slowly, “how would that be better? Wouldn’t you rather know that I love you than try to guess my feelings?”
He didn’t miss the way Jensen flinched at the word, love.
Surprisingly, Jensen didn’t run but covered the few feet between them, stepping into the space of Jared’s legs, where he stood leaning against the counter, and wrapping his arms around his waist, ducking his head to Jared’s chest. Jared just wrapped his arms around Jensen’s shoulders, breathing in his scent, taking in the moment even as his head was still spinning.
“If you say it out loud, then you’ll leave.”
Jared pulled back enough to look down at Jensen’s face. He couldn’t figure out how that one worked, but he did finally realize the problem. “If I tell you that I love you…then I’ll leave? That makes no sense, man,” he chided, amusement and adoration battling for dominance with everything else going on in his head. “Jensen. I am not leaving, okay? Commitment doesn’t automatically lead to heartbreak.”
Jensen shifted his eyes away from Jared’s, but not before Jared saw the fear shining in them. So, he said it again, “I’m not leaving you. Ever. You and me, Jen? This is…this is what I want. This is all I want.”
Jensen nodded and stepped back, separating himself from Jared. Jared could almost physically see the walls being built back up. The day that Jensen had had was taxing; Jared couldn’t blame him for being vulnerable. But, he refused to let his boyfriend shut down again, lock everything away for only him to see.
“You know what? I would rather know,” Jared whispered, looking down at his feet. He knew he was playing dirty, but Jensen had left him no choice. “It’s been - what? A month? 6 weeks? - since I told you how I felt, or tried, and I haven’t heard one word from you. I’ve just been here, wondering if you love me back and I gotta tell ya, Jen. I don’t like it, not one bit. I don’t like guessing, trying to assure myself that you obviously feel something or you wouldn’t be here. Is that really what you want to feel? You want that hopelessness? That fear that you might just be alone in the depths of this thing?”
When he looked back up, Jensen was staring at him with shock, eyes wide, brain working over time. “Jay, no…I thought you knew… I…I didn’t tell you?”
Jared shook his head, shifting his eyes away again almost coyly. “I figured since you didn’t want me saying it that maybe it was because you didn’t feel it, too…”
“Jay…I do. Feel the same way, I mean. But. I mean…Justin was the last…”
Ah, there’s what Jared was waiting for him to say. He looked up, meeting Jensen’s eyes with what he hoped was an understanding look.
“Jensen, you cannot go through your life, punishing everyone else that decides to love you just because Justin was a fucking insensitive bastard. You can’t punish me because he left.” He moved towards Jensen, settling his hands on Jensen’s hips. The look on Jensen’s face was slowly thawing, that love that Jared had only speculated about beginning to break through the overwhelming terror. “I’m still here, aren’t I? Everything that’s happened, everything you’ve thrown at me, and I’m still here. I’m not him, Jensen, and I will never hurt you like he did.”
Jensen looked up at him sheepishly. “I am kind of a handful, aren’t I? Sorry ‘bout that…”
Jared chuckled, and pulled Jensen into a hug, smiling when he felt Jensen’s arm tighten around him, Jensen’s hands fisting in the back of his T-shirt. “Not a problem, Jen. It’s kept things… interesting,” he murmured. Then, after a few moments, he bent his head and whispered in Jensen’s ear, “I love you. I love you so much and I’m never going to stop saying it.”
Jensen’s body went tense for a second, but Jared repeated his declaration several more times, until Jensen had no choice but to relax into him again.
“I love you too, Jay,” was the last full sentence from either of them before Jared dragged Jensen to the bedroom to show him just how much love he had.
After all, he had to get some energy out of his system - he didn’t think Jensen’s parents would appreciate them having sex in the spare bedroom during Christmas dinner.
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You know what happens now, kids: I beg for you to leave a comment; you roll your eyes at me [fondly, I hope] and move along. :) But, feedback is much appreciated!