[a-musing]
I'm having a mental dilemma without having a mental breakdown. I'm not upset about things, I just... need to get it out? I think my dilemma only comes with age, and I'm betting everyone feels it at some point. I provided a cut for you skimmers... it's really just me musing about life.
So all your life you're striving for something. There's always that next mountain to scale and that next hurdle to jump. You're trying to finish high school and get into college. You try and get a fun job during that time, and maybe get some experience for something you want to do in the future. You get into college, and you work so hard to get it done. College is tunnel-vision... the rest of the world doesn't really exist. When you're in college it seems like you'll always be there and that the almighty degree is just this ideal that will never actually be attained. And then you get it, and you realize... what now? You get out and you realize how narrow your grasp of the world was. You realize that even though you have a degree, you really don't know anything. So then you get a job. You try to find "the" job, that job that will be your career, your life, for the next x number of years. You know that people change careers all the time, but it's hard to grasp since you haven't even started #1. Then somehow things fall into place and you're there. You have that job, and co-workers, and career that you've been looking for. All of the work... the crappy jobs, the late nights studying for exams, the stress over paying rent and one day eating more than just ramen, it's all paid off. And once again, you're at a "what now?" point. Although this point is in a far better place than the last one, its still something you have to sit back and figure out.
I'm so used to striving... to looking for the next thing... that it's difficult for me to sit back and take in the fact that I've gotten through a ton of crap. The mountains that loomed so big in front of me before have been scaled. I can look back and say wow, I did that. But it's really foggy here, and I can't see what's in front of me. Are there more, bigger mountains? Part of me hopes not. Part of me is really happy with just relaxing a little bit and having a good time. But I think a bigger part of me really hopes that this isn't where things slow down and become mundane. Don't get me wrong, I love that I have a secure job, make decent money, and work great hours with awesome people. I couldn't be happier about my job. But I don't want my job to become all I have to look forward to.
I'm not getting married any time soon, and I'm not having kids any time soon. It will be a while before I can pay off my loans on school and my car, so I can't buy a house any time soon. I see myself staying where I am and sort of in the state I'm in for an undetermined amount of time. It's just a little weird. I'm sure I can adjust to it, but at the same time, I don't know if I want to. I'm so used to things being in flux, things being "pending" that with things just being settled, I'm personally unsettled.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess my question (more to myself than anyone else) is: Is this what being grown up is? I don't want it to be boring. That's all.
In another vein... John and I went to NY the weekend before last. It was brilliant and amazing and super fun. One of my best times ever, despite the blistered feet from wearing crappy shoes and the floor sleeping with the loud subway outside. I loved it, and I'd go back any time. But probably only with John. Oooh diss to everyone else. We went up to IKEA last weekend. I pointed out that we went there last year on Black Friday, and again this year... it's become tradition! We did so well with our Christmas shopping, I was very proud. And we ate way too much pizza at CiCi's in Stafford, VA. There were firemen eating that got a call in the middle of their meal and had to literally run out to their truck and save the kitty or whatever. I think they got to come back just as we were leaving. Kitty saved.
I've been elected to decorate the lobby at work for Christmas. I'm OK with this task, as I enjoy Christmas decorating. Tonight I have an event called HollyDazzle. There will be FIREWORKS so nothing else matters. Not even that it will be 30 degrees and I have to stand outside for 3 hours. Well... that might matter. Whatever, FIREWORKS! I'm putting up my tree this weekend. And that is the only responsibility I've placed upon myself. Sigh.
FIREWORKS!
So all your life you're striving for something. There's always that next mountain to scale and that next hurdle to jump. You're trying to finish high school and get into college. You try and get a fun job during that time, and maybe get some experience for something you want to do in the future. You get into college, and you work so hard to get it done. College is tunnel-vision... the rest of the world doesn't really exist. When you're in college it seems like you'll always be there and that the almighty degree is just this ideal that will never actually be attained. And then you get it, and you realize... what now? You get out and you realize how narrow your grasp of the world was. You realize that even though you have a degree, you really don't know anything. So then you get a job. You try to find "the" job, that job that will be your career, your life, for the next x number of years. You know that people change careers all the time, but it's hard to grasp since you haven't even started #1. Then somehow things fall into place and you're there. You have that job, and co-workers, and career that you've been looking for. All of the work... the crappy jobs, the late nights studying for exams, the stress over paying rent and one day eating more than just ramen, it's all paid off. And once again, you're at a "what now?" point. Although this point is in a far better place than the last one, its still something you have to sit back and figure out.
I'm so used to striving... to looking for the next thing... that it's difficult for me to sit back and take in the fact that I've gotten through a ton of crap. The mountains that loomed so big in front of me before have been scaled. I can look back and say wow, I did that. But it's really foggy here, and I can't see what's in front of me. Are there more, bigger mountains? Part of me hopes not. Part of me is really happy with just relaxing a little bit and having a good time. But I think a bigger part of me really hopes that this isn't where things slow down and become mundane. Don't get me wrong, I love that I have a secure job, make decent money, and work great hours with awesome people. I couldn't be happier about my job. But I don't want my job to become all I have to look forward to.
I'm not getting married any time soon, and I'm not having kids any time soon. It will be a while before I can pay off my loans on school and my car, so I can't buy a house any time soon. I see myself staying where I am and sort of in the state I'm in for an undetermined amount of time. It's just a little weird. I'm sure I can adjust to it, but at the same time, I don't know if I want to. I'm so used to things being in flux, things being "pending" that with things just being settled, I'm personally unsettled.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess my question (more to myself than anyone else) is: Is this what being grown up is? I don't want it to be boring. That's all.
In another vein... John and I went to NY the weekend before last. It was brilliant and amazing and super fun. One of my best times ever, despite the blistered feet from wearing crappy shoes and the floor sleeping with the loud subway outside. I loved it, and I'd go back any time. But probably only with John. Oooh diss to everyone else. We went up to IKEA last weekend. I pointed out that we went there last year on Black Friday, and again this year... it's become tradition! We did so well with our Christmas shopping, I was very proud. And we ate way too much pizza at CiCi's in Stafford, VA. There were firemen eating that got a call in the middle of their meal and had to literally run out to their truck and save the kitty or whatever. I think they got to come back just as we were leaving. Kitty saved.
I've been elected to decorate the lobby at work for Christmas. I'm OK with this task, as I enjoy Christmas decorating. Tonight I have an event called HollyDazzle. There will be FIREWORKS so nothing else matters. Not even that it will be 30 degrees and I have to stand outside for 3 hours. Well... that might matter. Whatever, FIREWORKS! I'm putting up my tree this weekend. And that is the only responsibility I've placed upon myself. Sigh.
FIREWORKS!