Fragments of Francisco, Spring of Senior Year
He laid back on the bed, and I took in all the beauty that was his nakedness. Like I had done so many times before. Only this time, it was just us. Us, completely naked, inside and out.
"Cisco?" He whimpered in my ear as I eased down to kiss his collarbone.
"Hn?"
"You have to love me. You have to. Don't hurt me...." the poor boy was bibbling nonsense.
I covered his mouth with mine, unsure of the message that sent. I didn't want him to shut up, I just wanted the moment to remain as it was. I'd read a little about how to do this; I'd brought with me things to make it easier. But that didn't help. I was still a nervous wreck.
Why do I keep running from the truth? He wants me, he wants me. I need him. I need his warmth and his body and his acceptance. Why am I doubting myself at a time like this?
I should relax.
My hopes are so high that one mistake will cripple me for life.
No pressure.
Breathe in. Hold it. Breathe out.
I eased down on top of him, flooded with memories of the first time we'd touched each other like this. The awkwardness, the raw feelings. Warped balance of lust and a kind of twisted love. It was amazing to me still. Somehow I always managed to be taking the lead in all this. And it's weird. With my neuroses, I should so be letting him do the hard parts. Like this. It doesn't seem real. He's so tense. How can I make him not tense? I'm so fed up with all the brain-noise.....JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO THIS.
Abrupt silence filled my head. "I can't hold back anymore, I can't..." he sighed, pulling me down on him and catching my lips on his. Instead, my head turned my playlist on J. Holiday.
I want it I want it
You want it you want it
When I run my fingers through your hair
As we lay up in this bed
Touching you like it's our first time
I'ma to put you to
bed
bed
bed
My heart synced up with the bass. ThudTHUMPthudTHUMP. This internal rhythm was perfect. My breathing followed suit, causing blood to rush to my face. Our teeth bumped and kisses turned shallow and slow. I could still taste the spark of the champagne in his spit; it was exquisite. This liquid heat corousing through my every vein and artery had to be the purest essence of love, or at least what my muddled, sense-drunk mind made it out to be. We had all the time in the world, we could do whatever we wanted. No curiousity was too farfetched for these few hours before dawn and real world responsibilities.
"You have to relax or this will just be, like, forced." I'm glad that he understood that, anyway.
"Will you help me?" I sighed, wishing for once I could not be on top. He nodded and pressed me down into him. Calloused hands squeezed and rubbed my tired shoulderblades. I exhaled and the tension left me completely. My skin had been against his before, but I never felt such....what? Elation. And I wanted him so, so much. We melted into each other, him rubbing and stroking my back as I buried my nose in the crook of his neck. The more he touched and kissed, I felt myself slowly hardening. It wasn't the kind of sudden, jarring one that you get by accidentally thinking about something hot while writing on the board in Calculus. No. Slow burning. It occurred to me then: there is no turning back from here.
If I commit, I'm committed for life.
I can't share something this deep and intimate and expect it to just be all gone tomorrow.
I can't push it off as the champagne talking. Unlike at the dance itself, there were no crowds as cover or no strategically places tables. This is as raw and personal as it gets.
The friction was too much; time for the main event. I was more afraid of this than I ever was losing my virginity to Christa. There was more on the line. "Do you want to?" I almost whispered. "Yeah," I shifted off of him and sat on my feet, waiting for him to assume whatever position he thought would be good. "Is this okay?" he was bent over and propped up on his elbows with a pillow. It was appetizing to look at, that's for true. I laid my hands on his hips and moved up against him. I almost lost it then and there.
Wait.
No, no, no. This isn't how it was like in my dream.
This is all wrong.
"Charlie, this is all wrong," I fell back onto my heels. Slightly frustrated. I want to look at him! I want to see his pretty green eyes and watch his skin flush. Can't do that from this angle.
I was visibly annoyed with my lack of coherence. I just couldn't put into words what I wanted him to do.
That's when I saw the little light bulb crack over his head.
"Cisco, lay down flat. I got this," he pushed me back lightly. "I want to see your face," he blushed. I obeyed, poking my knees apart a little for comfort. Blondie crawled up between my legs and sat up on my lap. "This way I can see you and it will still....you know, work," I fiddled around under the pillow for the blue bottle that would remove my guilt as he swayed a bit over to permit me access. The stuff was cold when I slathered it all over my cock and timidly rubbed my hand right where he felt it. I went ahead and squished some into his palm, too, so that he might want to use it on himself. I'm not coordinated to push and tug at the same time.
Here goes.
....
...
...
He eased down and bumped me a little too quickly, gasping. I stroked down his thighs and waited. Charlie eased down again and solidly pressed down. A little more went in, and he struggled to keep relaxed. It was like time stood still, him slowly giving more of himself to me. Sweat dripped down my sideburns, just from pressure. It went like this until he was almost completely against me, when he squeaked and stopped. "Are you alright? Does it hurt?" I touched his cheek. It was scorching.
It did hurt, and the first half hour or so was spent slowly pushing, and staying still, giving him room to adjust. Awkward. But it would be worth it, it had to be. Neither of us really got anywhere at first, I was so nervous and he was hurting. God, he was holding out. I leaned up and held his face, softly kissing him and trying to make it worth it for him. I was able to speed up a little and it got better for both of us. I saw his cock twitch a little and I took it from him. I tried to keep up with his pace, and it paid off--hot liquid ran down my hand and the sweetest moan escaped him. It sent me over the edge and it was better than anything I'd ever felt before. Tight, searing, squeezing, shaking....and finally collapsing back into the pillows. He fell forward onto my chest and held me tight...we stayed like that. Breathing and sweating and exchanging fragments.
"Hn, ah?"
"Uhn."
"I love you."
I can't believe it happened. We just had sex. We just had sex.
I slipped out after a while and stayed there, holding him. This really wasn't the time to do a highlights reel or anything. More like, warmth and silence and reflection. I gazed around the room; tuxedos flung over a plushy chair, champagne and flutes on the nightstand, time on the clock read 1:34.
I lost my virginity to the boy I love on April 30 at 1:34 in the morning.
I held him tight and kissed his forehead.
"I'm sorry, Charlie. I'm so sorry. I love you. Does it hurt?" I stroked his back.
"It stings. It was worth it. It was so so worth it."
We kissed again and drifted off into sleep.
Morning's light filtered through the vertical blinds on the huge window, splashing across the sheets. I came to, my face buried in the blonde mess on his head. The first sensation I became aware of was his cool skin touching mine everywhere, spooned in front of me. Ahhhhhhhh. I got up on my elbow and kissed him awake.
"Hrn?"
"Hey."
"Oh, hey."
"Awkward, right?"
"Ha, no, not at all. My ass is kinda sore."
"Sorry. Let's go grab some eats downstairs."
I slipped my hand down between his asscheeks, carefully smoothing what I found. He winced.
"I'm sorry, really. If I could hurt for you, I would," I continued massaging the irritated tissue, hoping it at least felt good somewhat.
We dressed and went downstairs to the dining hall. Other prom people were there, hungover and tattered. Girls' hair was in wrecks and their makeup didn't hide the light cirlces under their eyes from late-night partying. The other boys just looked plain beat down. We got some stares, yeah. Colt, Charlie's friend from Crew was there, and he went up to say hi. His date wasn't from our school. She was a petite Asian girl still in her PJs. Colt looked at Charlie, looked me up and down, and then gave Charlie a look of reverence. At our school, anyway, virginity was a huge deal. No matter who you lost it to, you were your own hero for a day. It wasn't exactly unheard of for someone to graduate a virgin, but if you planned on losing it, you lost it in a perfectly choreogrpahed ritual on prom night.
Over bagels and bacon, we discussed our next big adventure, moving out. Graduation was a week away and we needed a solid plan to get out of dodge and do it right. But looking across the table at him...I knew that I'd made the right decision. I fell in love all over again with Charlie Mellon. The messy hair, the soft smile, catching laugh...did he know how much I loved him? After last night, yeah, I think he finally did.
"Cisco?" He whimpered in my ear as I eased down to kiss his collarbone.
"Hn?"
"You have to love me. You have to. Don't hurt me...." the poor boy was bibbling nonsense.
I covered his mouth with mine, unsure of the message that sent. I didn't want him to shut up, I just wanted the moment to remain as it was. I'd read a little about how to do this; I'd brought with me things to make it easier. But that didn't help. I was still a nervous wreck.
Why do I keep running from the truth? He wants me, he wants me. I need him. I need his warmth and his body and his acceptance. Why am I doubting myself at a time like this?
I should relax.
My hopes are so high that one mistake will cripple me for life.
No pressure.
Breathe in. Hold it. Breathe out.
I eased down on top of him, flooded with memories of the first time we'd touched each other like this. The awkwardness, the raw feelings. Warped balance of lust and a kind of twisted love. It was amazing to me still. Somehow I always managed to be taking the lead in all this. And it's weird. With my neuroses, I should so be letting him do the hard parts. Like this. It doesn't seem real. He's so tense. How can I make him not tense? I'm so fed up with all the brain-noise.....JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME DO THIS.
Abrupt silence filled my head. "I can't hold back anymore, I can't..." he sighed, pulling me down on him and catching my lips on his. Instead, my head turned my playlist on J. Holiday.
I want it I want it
You want it you want it
When I run my fingers through your hair
As we lay up in this bed
Touching you like it's our first time
I'ma to put you to
bed
bed
bed
My heart synced up with the bass. ThudTHUMPthudTHUMP. This internal rhythm was perfect. My breathing followed suit, causing blood to rush to my face. Our teeth bumped and kisses turned shallow and slow. I could still taste the spark of the champagne in his spit; it was exquisite. This liquid heat corousing through my every vein and artery had to be the purest essence of love, or at least what my muddled, sense-drunk mind made it out to be. We had all the time in the world, we could do whatever we wanted. No curiousity was too farfetched for these few hours before dawn and real world responsibilities.
"You have to relax or this will just be, like, forced." I'm glad that he understood that, anyway.
"Will you help me?" I sighed, wishing for once I could not be on top. He nodded and pressed me down into him. Calloused hands squeezed and rubbed my tired shoulderblades. I exhaled and the tension left me completely. My skin had been against his before, but I never felt such....what? Elation. And I wanted him so, so much. We melted into each other, him rubbing and stroking my back as I buried my nose in the crook of his neck. The more he touched and kissed, I felt myself slowly hardening. It wasn't the kind of sudden, jarring one that you get by accidentally thinking about something hot while writing on the board in Calculus. No. Slow burning. It occurred to me then: there is no turning back from here.
If I commit, I'm committed for life.
I can't share something this deep and intimate and expect it to just be all gone tomorrow.
I can't push it off as the champagne talking. Unlike at the dance itself, there were no crowds as cover or no strategically places tables. This is as raw and personal as it gets.
The friction was too much; time for the main event. I was more afraid of this than I ever was losing my virginity to Christa. There was more on the line. "Do you want to?" I almost whispered. "Yeah," I shifted off of him and sat on my feet, waiting for him to assume whatever position he thought would be good. "Is this okay?" he was bent over and propped up on his elbows with a pillow. It was appetizing to look at, that's for true. I laid my hands on his hips and moved up against him. I almost lost it then and there.
Wait.
No, no, no. This isn't how it was like in my dream.
This is all wrong.
"Charlie, this is all wrong," I fell back onto my heels. Slightly frustrated. I want to look at him! I want to see his pretty green eyes and watch his skin flush. Can't do that from this angle.
I was visibly annoyed with my lack of coherence. I just couldn't put into words what I wanted him to do.
That's when I saw the little light bulb crack over his head.
"Cisco, lay down flat. I got this," he pushed me back lightly. "I want to see your face," he blushed. I obeyed, poking my knees apart a little for comfort. Blondie crawled up between my legs and sat up on my lap. "This way I can see you and it will still....you know, work," I fiddled around under the pillow for the blue bottle that would remove my guilt as he swayed a bit over to permit me access. The stuff was cold when I slathered it all over my cock and timidly rubbed my hand right where he felt it. I went ahead and squished some into his palm, too, so that he might want to use it on himself. I'm not coordinated to push and tug at the same time.
Here goes.
....
...
...
He eased down and bumped me a little too quickly, gasping. I stroked down his thighs and waited. Charlie eased down again and solidly pressed down. A little more went in, and he struggled to keep relaxed. It was like time stood still, him slowly giving more of himself to me. Sweat dripped down my sideburns, just from pressure. It went like this until he was almost completely against me, when he squeaked and stopped. "Are you alright? Does it hurt?" I touched his cheek. It was scorching.
It did hurt, and the first half hour or so was spent slowly pushing, and staying still, giving him room to adjust. Awkward. But it would be worth it, it had to be. Neither of us really got anywhere at first, I was so nervous and he was hurting. God, he was holding out. I leaned up and held his face, softly kissing him and trying to make it worth it for him. I was able to speed up a little and it got better for both of us. I saw his cock twitch a little and I took it from him. I tried to keep up with his pace, and it paid off--hot liquid ran down my hand and the sweetest moan escaped him. It sent me over the edge and it was better than anything I'd ever felt before. Tight, searing, squeezing, shaking....and finally collapsing back into the pillows. He fell forward onto my chest and held me tight...we stayed like that. Breathing and sweating and exchanging fragments.
"Hn, ah?"
"Uhn."
"I love you."
I can't believe it happened. We just had sex. We just had sex.
I slipped out after a while and stayed there, holding him. This really wasn't the time to do a highlights reel or anything. More like, warmth and silence and reflection. I gazed around the room; tuxedos flung over a plushy chair, champagne and flutes on the nightstand, time on the clock read 1:34.
I lost my virginity to the boy I love on April 30 at 1:34 in the morning.
I held him tight and kissed his forehead.
"I'm sorry, Charlie. I'm so sorry. I love you. Does it hurt?" I stroked his back.
"It stings. It was worth it. It was so so worth it."
We kissed again and drifted off into sleep.
Morning's light filtered through the vertical blinds on the huge window, splashing across the sheets. I came to, my face buried in the blonde mess on his head. The first sensation I became aware of was his cool skin touching mine everywhere, spooned in front of me. Ahhhhhhhh. I got up on my elbow and kissed him awake.
"Hrn?"
"Hey."
"Oh, hey."
"Awkward, right?"
"Ha, no, not at all. My ass is kinda sore."
"Sorry. Let's go grab some eats downstairs."
I slipped my hand down between his asscheeks, carefully smoothing what I found. He winced.
"I'm sorry, really. If I could hurt for you, I would," I continued massaging the irritated tissue, hoping it at least felt good somewhat.
We dressed and went downstairs to the dining hall. Other prom people were there, hungover and tattered. Girls' hair was in wrecks and their makeup didn't hide the light cirlces under their eyes from late-night partying. The other boys just looked plain beat down. We got some stares, yeah. Colt, Charlie's friend from Crew was there, and he went up to say hi. His date wasn't from our school. She was a petite Asian girl still in her PJs. Colt looked at Charlie, looked me up and down, and then gave Charlie a look of reverence. At our school, anyway, virginity was a huge deal. No matter who you lost it to, you were your own hero for a day. It wasn't exactly unheard of for someone to graduate a virgin, but if you planned on losing it, you lost it in a perfectly choreogrpahed ritual on prom night.
Over bagels and bacon, we discussed our next big adventure, moving out. Graduation was a week away and we needed a solid plan to get out of dodge and do it right. But looking across the table at him...I knew that I'd made the right decision. I fell in love all over again with Charlie Mellon. The messy hair, the soft smile, catching laugh...did he know how much I loved him? After last night, yeah, I think he finally did.