i choose you.

[junfhongs]

i choose you.
kris/suho, past onesided!baekhyun/suho, minor!baekhyun/chen, minor!kyungsoo/xiumin, minor!lay/luhan - pg - implied sex - 6743 words
Joonmyun is used to living with nothing, and then Yifan comes in to show him the world.



Joonmyun is not fond of relationships. He’s not a big fan of commitment, of tying yourself down to someone because of “loyalty” or, even worse, “love.” Love is sickening, feeding society with images of happiness and passion. It’s all lies.

That’s why every month, he lines up in the hospital to receive the monthly shot of Suppressants, the ones that the government has produced by themselves. It was initially a forced procedure to prevent the civilians from rising up again, a gas that they spread all over the city to sedate all the rebels that started a civil war.

Now it’s a voluntary procedure, something you get in the hospital right away or you bring home a syringe with the Suppressant inside it so that they can make the choice if they want it or not. Joonmyun has always taken it every month since he turned eighteen, and the feeling of nothing in his mind is now a normal thing for him.

It’s odd to see someone who doesn’t take the Suppressant. It’s widely encouraged by everybody, increasing productivity in workplaces and reducing depression and suicide rates by large percentages. The Suppressant is a savior, a cure from heartbreak and anxiety and emotions in general.

Joonmyun hates the last week before he’s scheduled to get a shot. It’s when the Suppressant wears off and he feels things again, even the minutest emotion is enhanced by the sudden vulnerability. Joonmyun hates it so much, but he has to survive through it.

He’s twenty-five years old now. He hasn’t felt many things since he first got the shot. It’s a good feeling, the lack of emotions. He loves how empty he is. He loves how simple his life is.

And then he meets someone.

And then things change.

He has nine days before the next shot. The Suppressant is wearing off and he wakes up with annoyance written all over his face. He hates his alarm clock.

Routine is lovely though. He loves falling into a pattern everyday; it requires little thinking and more muscle memory. He knows how to make his coffee just right without even looking at how much creamer he’s pouring in or if what he’s grabbing is cinnamon or brown sugar. He knows his apartment by heart; he can wake up in the middle of the night to pee without even having to open his eyes.

He’s out of coffee today. He doesn’t even have the free three-in-one sachets that they give out in the office. Joonmyun eats breakfast with a scowl and dresses up for work right away. He can run over to the nearest coffee shop and buy something quickly so that he won’t be late for work.

What he doesn’t expect is to come crashing against a man with a coffee cup in his hands. Fortunately, it splashes all over the floor and not on their clothes. Joonmyun starts apologizing, mad at himself for being so clumsy.

When he looks up, he’s met with a man’s chest. He looks up even further and he meets the tall man’s eyes. There is no anger or frustration.

There’s mirth.

This man feels happiness, amusement even at the worst situations.

“I’m sorry,” Joonmyun apologizes. “I’ll buy you another cup,” he offers. The man shakes his head.

“No, it’s fine. I can buy another one.” The corners of his mouth quirk upwards. “But you can join me for a little while.”

There’s a challenge to his tone, and Joonmyun repeats one word in his mind. Routine, routine, routine. He arrives at work the moment the clock strikes eight. He has ten minutes before he’s considered late for his own standards.

“Alright.” There’s a strange expression on Joonmyun’s face. It must be a smile. But no, it’s too cocky for that. It’s like he’s challenging the man too, and Joonmyun remembers the word “smirk”. He’s smirking.

“That’s great.” The man beams at him.

His name is Yifan. It’s his second day as an accountant in the department whose floor is right below Joonmyun’s. He’s only a little older than Joonmyun, but they talk like casual friends.

Friends. That’s a weird word for Joonmyun.

“Why did you leave your old company?” Joonmyun asks. He’s still a little irritable, so he’s not at his most sensitive right now. Even with how badly his day started, he’s starting to feel a little better just by sitting down with this complete stranger.

Joonmyun goes back to his current social crisis. One does not simply ask someone their reasons why they quit their job all of a sudden.

Thankfully, Yifan just chuckles. “I was unhappy in my old job.”

Unhappy. That’s a very weird word. Now it’s obvious that Yifan doesn’t take the Suppressants.

“Why don’t you get the shot? Isn’t it harder to live with emotions?” And again, Joonmyun isn’t showing his boundless grace and tactfulness right now. Yifan smiles through everything.

“That’s exactly why I don’t take them. Isn’t it more challenging to live with these feelings? Why tamper them down when you can live with them and live a full life?”

“Are you saying that people who take them aren’t really living?” The gauntlet has been dropped. It’s Yifan’s decision if he’ll pick it up.

He does. Yifan smirks and leans forward. “Not really, but I have a feeling that this is going to be quite a long conversation and it’s nine AM. We have to go to work.”

Joonmyun’s eyes widen. He looks down and checks his watch. He curses mentally, and stands up. His coffee has barely been touched; they’ve been so busy talking that Joonmyun didn’t notice anything around him. It’s strange.

“I’ll see you around, Joonmyun.” Yifan’s gummy smile is quite charming, Joonmyun has to admit.

“We’ll see about that.”

“Oh, but I’m sure I’ll find my way to you somehow.”

Joonmyun ignores the playful tone of Yifan’s deep voice and how he feels his heart beating for the first time in so long. Yifan is… quite unique.

They meet again in the elevator on the way to the pantry on the ninth floor. Yifan’s not wearing his blazer anymore, and Joonmyun has a good look at the expanse of his chest. Joonmyun smiles politely at him, checking his pocket if his phone’s there just in case he needs to get out of any awkward situations.

Yifan doesn’t seem like the type to make anyone feel awkward though. In their journey from the fourteenth floor to the ninth, they didn’t spend a single moment not in conversation. Yifan never runs out of anything to say, and Joonmyun is strangely comfortable enough to share his inputs too.

It’s so weird, Joonmyun thinks to himself. Conversation isn’t supposed to be this easy. They’re near-strangers to each other. This should be small talk, not a long argument about the dying art of poetry.

“It’s unnecessary,” Joonmyun says.

“I strongly disagree. Poetry is great; others just don’t know how to appreciate it.” Yifan stares pointedly at Joonmyun and the younger male rolls his eyes.

“There is no need to appreciate something that is unnecessary.”

They find themselves sitting down together, food nearly untouched as they keep on talking and talking and talking. Joonmyun is enlivened by this. When was the last time he ever had a conversation this engaging? When was the last time he had a real conversation?

Yifan gives him a slip of paper with a number on it. Joonmyun is confused. “What am I supposed to do with this?”

The older man laughs. “I don’t know what you want to do with that, Joonmyun. It’s up to you.”

He stands up and throws his unfinished food in the garbage bin. Joonmyun is still staring at the paper. As he goes up the elevator alone and goes to his cubicle to go back to work, Joonmyun thinks about Yifan and that number. There are so many possibilities in the world. Only now does he see them.

He has eight days before the next shot. He bought a lot of coffee and creamer and sugar in the grocery the night before, so he finally gets to make his coffee. A part of him is disappointed, and it took him a while to realize that the strange weight on his heart is disappointment. He hasn’t felt that in a while. He hasn’t felt anything in a while.

Why is he disappointed? He woke up right before his alarm clock rang; the coffee’s good; everything is in its rightful place. Why is this happening?

Maybe it’s because he sort of wants an excuse to go back to that coffee shop and maybe see Yifan again. Maybe it’s because he’s not used to changing things up, so right after it happens, it’s like he wants to establish an entirely new routine based on that. Everything is so confusing.

He can’t wait for his next shot.

Joonmyun finally escapes from his workload because of lunch. Thank goodness. Only now has he seen how utterly annoying his boss is for constantly dumping work on Joonmyun. He sits down alone, as usual.

Joonmyun makes a mistake by opening his social networking site. The first thing he sees is a photo of Baekhyun and his long-term boyfriend, Jongdae.

Baekhyun was someone that Joonmyun sort of loved. He was the only person that Joonmyun truly, innocently, purely loved. He was the reason why Joonmyun asked for the Suppressant when he was eighteen years old.

The good thing about the cure is that it dulls down so many emotions. There is no anger. There is no resentment. There is no envy.

But now that it’s washing away on Joonmyun’s mind, now he feels anger and resentment and so much envy. That should be me, he thinks to himself. He hates it. He hates how happy Baekhyun is with Jongdae.

“You look like you’re about to kill someone.”

Joonmyun puts down his phone and looks up at Yifan’s smiling face again. A part of his anger ebbs away. Yifan sees the picture on his screen and Joonmyun flushes, closing his phone.

“Ex?” Joonmyun shakes his head. “Someone you used to like?” Joonmyun is ashamed to nod.

“I don’t talk about him. Ever.” He assumes that Yifan won’t push the issue, but it seems that he’s the one who lacks tact today.

“Why not? What’s the full story?”

Normally, Joonmyun would walk away from this. He never talks about Baekhyun. It’s the dark part of his life, the one that he hates having to remember.

Then again, Yifan’s eyes aren’t prying or judging. They’re curious and concerned and there’s a little amusement in it again. Why does he always look at Joonmyun like that?

“I liked him since high school. We went to the same university together and I became his ‘best friend’ of sorts. The day I wanted to tell him that I liked him, I saw him with his boyfriend now. I think I was depressed for a while. The day we were legally allowed to get the Suppressant, I took it because I wanted to forget what it felt like to love him. He and Jongdae have never gotten it yet. They’re too happy to want it.”

Yifan’s mouth forms a pretty circle. Joonmyun’s story isn’t the most painful thing he’s ever heard. It’s painful when he tries to imagine Joonmyun with full emotions, completely in love with someone who sees him as just a friend. That’s when he starts to understand why Joonmyun is so insistent that the Suppressants are actually good for him and for others.

“There are just some emotions that you can’t live with,” Joonmyun says quietly.

“And it’s so much easier to forget?” asks Yifan. The younger man nods.

“Why live with pain when you can live with nothing?”

Joonmyun understands how depressing he sounds like right now. He probably looks miserable too, but emptiness is happiness. It’s good for him. He wants it.

The paper stares at him. Joonmyun turns it over and over and over in his hands until it looks worn. He’s afraid that if he breaks it, he’ll never get a chance like this again.

He’s sitting on his bed, staring at his phone and the paper in front of him. He feels like a little girl in middle school, and it’s absolutely ridiculous.

What’s also absolutely ridiculous is when he dials the number and calls Yifan.

“Hello?” the voice on the other end asks. It’s Yifan, most definitely.

“Yifan, it’s Joonmyun.”

He hears a chuckle. “So I see you’ve finally succumbed to my charms and decided to call me.”

Joonmyun snorts. “What charms are you talking about?” Sarcasm isn’t his thing. This is so weird.

“Well, why did you call me?” Yifan suddenly asks. “It’s not because you like hearing my voice, is it?”

Joonmyun chews on his bottom lip. It’s his nervous habit. What’s he going to say?

“I wanted to talk to someone.”

Yifan starts laughing quietly. “You went to the right person. If it isn’t obvious, I do like to talk.”

He has seven days before the next shot. Joonmyun groans at the sound of his alarm. He called Yifan at nine in the evening and for some strange reason, they hung up at around one AM. Four hours passed so quickly, and Joonmyun felt nothing. He noticed nothing strange going on.

Yifan is like a big warp in time, luring Joonmyun in with a gripping topic and keeping him away from the rest of the world for a long time just by talking and talking and talking. And his deep voice is a bonus too, keeping Joonmyun anticipating his next statement with the varying intonations that he uses when he’s talking about different things, lulling him to sleep with a soft tone like how he did the previous night.

Joonmyun feels excited to go to work. He’s excited to do things, to be things.

He’s excited to see Yifan again.

They don’t really get to talk properly. Yifan is busy at work and so is Joonmyun, but they text all day. Now their conversations have degraded to small talk, to “how are you?” and “do you have too much work?” It isn’t politeness that pushes them to talk like this. They genuinely care. They genuinely want to know how the other is doing.

Joonmyun is smiling. Blissfully, peacefully smiling. Even if his boss emails him another project that Joonmyun has to do since his boss is always too busy, he still smiles. It grows when his phone beeps and Yifan’s asking him if he’s willing to go out for lunch together.

They’ve known each other for three days. Three days is not long at all, but Joonmyun walks beside him comfortably. They aren’t too far from each other, and they’re starting to establish eye contact easily now.

Lunch is quieter. Joonmyun still talks about his job and his boss and everything happening in his workplace, and it’s Yifan’s turn to listen attentively.

“You don’t usually talk this much, do you?” Yifan asks. Joonmyun nods shyly. He hasn’t noticed how weird it is in a while. Just yesterday, he couldn’t stop thinking about how odd Yifan is, randomly popping into his life like that. And now, it’s natural. Everything is so natural.

“I’m not very chatty.”

“You’re not very you most of the time.” Joonmyun tilts his head in confusion. “The Suppressant. It hides this side of you, the one that talks a lot and feels things and has smarter insights than most of the people out here. It puts you down until you’re just like a normal citizen when you’re not.

“You’re brilliant, Joonmyun. You’re brilliant and beautiful and you should see that.”

Joonmyun blushes. He coughs and looks away and tries to not be embarrassed at Yifan’s words. This is an uncomfortable situation and he doesn’t want this.

“I’m… flattered,” Joonmyun admits instead. Yifan is smiling so genuinely at him. It makes Joonmyun want to smile back.

He didn’t know he could be capable of smiling for real again.

Kyungsoo is one of Joonmyun’s very few friends. They’re workmates, and Joonmyun is fond of his quick and efficient way of working. He also sits right across him in the workplace and it’s easy for them to work together that way.

Recently, Kyungsoo met someone. He met someone in the short period of complete emotions before his next shot and Kyungsoo fell for the other man completely. Joonmyun can see the difference in Kyungsoo now; he still works quickly and efficiently, but there’s a permanent smile on his face, like he’s always looking forward to something when he goes home.

“Kyungsoo?” Joonmyun calls out. The younger male looks up and tilts his head. “I have a question.”

“Go ahead.”

Joonmyun chews on his bottom lip. “What did it feel like when you fell for Minseok?”

Kyungsoo instantly blushes at the sound of his name. It’s only been a month for them, but he hasn’t gotten over the short period of shy smiles and even shier kisses on each other’s cheeks. They’ve surely done much, much more than that, but Kyungsoo acts like they’re still at the innocent phase in their relationship.

“It was all so sudden. We met in the supermarket, of all places, and we were fighting for the last carton of milk on a shelf. Not exactly the most romantic scenario in the world, but it made us meet. He was on the Suppressants like me, but both of us felt something.” Kyungsoo’s eyes glaze over. “It felt so weird to feel something. Neither of us could deny it.”

“So it felt weird? Out of place? Like a train hitting you all of a sudden?” Kyungsoo chuckles.

“Yes, Joonmyun. That’s exactly how it felt. And then he offered to buy me dinner and lunch the day after that and then the movies the next day and then he kissed me. It went by so quickly, and I was afraid that we were going too fast. I was afraid that we were succumbing to the emotions we suddenly felt, that this is a sudden rush of hormones and not anything real.”

“What made you choose him?”

“He told me that even before, he’s barely felt anything. I was the only one who made him truly love.” Kyungsoo’s smile is infectious. “How do you say no to someone who says that? Why would you choose to feel nothing when you could feel everything with someone who might actually love you?”

Joonmyun can’t answer. He doesn’t want to.

He has six days before the next shot. Joonmyun doesn’t have much to look forward to. He’s not angry at the world anymore. He’s just tired. So, so tired.

Then again, his life could be much worse. He could be dead, for all he knows. A part of him feels blessed that he’s lived a clean and easy life with almost no complications since he started taking the Suppressants.

But now Kyungsoo’s words are ringing in his ears. “Why would you choose to feel nothing when you could feel everything with someone who might actually love you?” It’s a strange question. And Joonmyun has never thought of it. He never thought there could be a choice.

His calendar hangs on his refrigerator. He has six days. He has six days to think and imagine and talk endlessly, and then he’s back to normal.

There’s nothing wrong with his norm.

There’s nothing wrong with his normal life.

He regrets waiting for the program to finish encoding the data so that he could submit it to his boss. Now it’s nine in the evening and he just spent a total of thirteen hours in his workplace. It’s horrible.

His day turns around when he passes by Yifan in the parking lot. Their eyes connect and Joonmyun instantly feels his heart beating faster. Yifan smiles at him and asks him to come closer.

“It’s Friday and you’re just going home?” Joonmyun nods. Yifan takes that as an opportunity to unlock his passenger seat door and pull Joonmyun in. “Buckle up. I’m taking you out.”

Joonmyun doesn’t have time to complain when Yifan locks the door and starts the car. He’s a smooth driver, and Joonmyun is instantly comfortable while changing the radio station to something that sounds more familiar. He ends up with a pop song from a girl group back when he was younger, and Yifan laughs at his choice. That doesn’t mean he holds himself back from humming the tune softly under his breath.

They end up at a lane of restaurants and club. Joonmyun can already hear his stomach growling at the thought of food. He walks along the road with Yifan, listening to the older male’s stories about his day.

He sees a familiar restaurant. He sees a brief memory of going in there with Baekhyun, eating and joking around and finally realizing how much he really likes him while they laugh.

Joonmyun takes Yifan’s hand, intertwining their fingers without hesitation, and pulls him towards that small restaurant. He doesn’t seem to care about the sudden contact, following Joonmyun in.

They only realize that they’re still holding hands when they finish ordering and Joonmyun feels Yifan’s thumb stroking his knuckles softly. It’s a gentle gesture, and Joonmyun finds himself leaning against the older man instead of pulling away like what he would usually do.

They eat quietly, and Joonmyun’s mind goes back to eating with Baekhyun before. Why does it give him a sense of longing instead of the anger and jealousy that he thought it would? Why does he feel nothing, but not in the empty way that it always felt like?

Is it because he’s okay now? He has something else to feel other than pain?

Is he happy? Does that word apply to someone like him?

Yifan taps on his forehead. Joonmyun snaps back to reality, awkwardly chuckling. “You’re thinking too much again.”

“I’m sorry,” says Joonmyun. He takes a bite of his beef and looks down.

He doesn’t know what pushes him to take a napkin and wipe the corner of Yifan’s lips so quietly, as if his hand was possessed and he doesn’t know what he’s really doing. Yifan blushes, and Joonmyun decides that it’s a pretty shade of pink on him.

They go back to eating and awkwardly smiling at each other. Now Joonmyun feels this weird sense of giddiness, and he wants to do something, anything, to make this energy go away. It’s like the sight of Yifan sitting beside him is enough to send a series of crazy reactions in his body.

It’s still weird, but it’s more pleasant now. He’s getting used to this.

They share the payment, despite Yifan’s insistence that he should shoulder it all. He pulls Joonmyun out and they walk along the strip, staring at the lights and making a few comments every now and then. Joonmyun holds his hand again, brave but shaking slightly. Yifan seems to appreciate it, long fingers neatly folding with Joonmyun’s.

They’re comfortable and content enough until they realize that it’s nearly midnight and they should really go home. It’s Yifan’s first time to see where Joonmyun lives, so it’s only natural that Joonmyun feels weird seeing him standing in the hallway outside his door.

“Good night, Joonmyun.”

He suddenly feels the urge to run his fingers through the tall man’s hair and pull him down for… what? What does Joonmyun want from him? Does he really want this?

Joonmyun settles with a polite “good night” and a squeeze on his hand. Yifan waves before he turns the corner and goes inside the elevator, farther and farther away from Joonmyun.

He stands there for a little longer, the ghost of Yifan’s warmth on his skin. He craves more of it, of Yifan’s subtle touches on his body. He craves more, he needs more.

It’s like a splash of cold water, soaking him to his very core. There’s the initial shock, and then he starts thinking more and imagining more and fantasizing more and he collapses on his bed, filled to the brim with the thought of Yifan in his life. What if he lets him in? What if he allows Yifan to change him, to stop him from always going back to the hollow shell that he’s already used to being?

He has five days before the next shot. He spends the morning in bed, thinking of his life. What have these past years been? What has he been doing? Why did he end up like this?

He feels like a teenager again, on the cusp of something amazing. It’s uncertain and scary, to allow emotions back into his life. He closes his eyes and tells himself, “Today is a new day.”

He opens his eyes and feels it: the tingling in his fingertips, the smile crawling to his face, the lightness in his chest.

“Today, I will be me.”

Yixing is a good friend of his, a musician that he met by accident during university. He looks at Joonmyun oddly, wondering why Joonmyun decided to visit the café that he often performs in. After his short guitar piece, he puts down the instrument and sits down beside Joonmyun.

“So what bring you here?” He smiles and takes the mug from Luhan, his barista friend who’s been supporting his music ventures since the very beginning.

“I just wanted to hear you play, I guess. It’s been a while,” lies Joonmyun. To be honest, he doesn’t know why he’s here. They haven’t really talked in a while and it’s slightly awkward, but Joonmyun is enjoying his music.

“You never just stop by, Joonmyun,” Luhan comments from behind the counter. Joonmyun blushes at that. They don’t really know each other that well, but it must be obvious that he’s not usually like this.

“Do you need an artist’s inspiration or something? Do you have your own inspiration?” Luhan smirks as he sits down at their table. There are no other customers, so he gets to rest for a while.

“Are you still on the Suppressants, Yixing?” Joonmyun suddenly asks.

Yixing shakes his head, a smile on his face. “No, I haven’t taken them in a while now.”

“How long?”

“Two years.”

Joonmyun sits back, surprised at this sudden information. He went with Yixing on his first shot. He watched as Yixing cried over his parents for the last time before he got the shot and fell asleep. He woke up and felt nothing, and Joonmyun thought that it was the best thing for him.

Now he suddenly finds out that Yixing’s been okay for the past two years and he’s starting to feel worse about himself. Yixing lost two of the most important people in his life and he managed to be okay. Joonmyun wasn’t even in a relationship with Baekhyun, and until now he’s been dependent on the Suppressants.

“What made you stop?” asks Joonmyun. He sees the gentle smile on Yixing’s face, the way he looks up at Luhan as he takes a sip from his mug of warm tea. Joonmyun understands. And he’s jealous again.

“I see.”

Luhan hits his arm gently. “Lighten up! You’re all wrapped up in your head and it’s obvious on your face.”

Joonmyun smiles softly. “Sorry. It’s a habit.”

A habit you should really change, he hears Yifan telling him in his mind.

Joonmyun is surprised to see Yifan at his doorstep. He just came back from a long lunch date with Luhan and Yixing, both of them being really nice to him even if they’re not particularly close.

“Hey,” Yifan says. He looks good with a plain white shirt and a blazer instead of the usual suit or dress shirt that Joonmyun sees him wearing.

“Hey to you too. What brings you here? How long have you been waiting?” Joonmyun thinks of opening his door to let Yifan in, but he has a feeling that Yifan’s here to whisk him out of his own world as usual.

“I wanted to take you out to dinner.” He looks hopeful and excited and how can Joonmyun say no to that, really?

“Let’s go then.”

Yifan takes him to his car with their fingers interlocked, thoroughly enjoying the blush on Joonmyun’s cheeks. It’s an entirely new experience for Joonmyun. It’s like dating someone, and that’s something that Joonmyun hasn’t thought of in a long time. He doesn’t really have much space in his mind to think about things like those, and only now does he see that he kind of wants it.

It’s scary, but love could be fun.

“I want alcohol right now,” Yifan says while driving. “Then again, I still have to drive myself back home.”

“I’m sure you have some at your house. We could go back there,” suggests Joonmyun.

“Are you sure you want to drink? I always pegged you as the type to disdain people who enjoy drinks every now and then.” Yifan takes a turn towards his apartment nonetheless.

“Excuse me, I can take a few shots without passing out.” Joonmyun huffs.

It’s Joonmyun’s first time to see Yifan’s apartment now. The furniture isn’t exactly lavish, but it’s clear that Yifan’s a sophisticated guy. He stands by the counter while Yifan looks for the bottle and the glasses. He pours the whiskey into the glass, handing Joonmyun the first one.

“I hope you don’t mind that it’s pretty hard,” Yifan says. They toast their glasses and take a few sips.

Joonmyun doesn’t know how much time passed, but suddenly he’s on the couch with Yifan. They’re both quiet at this point, the haze of alcohol blurring their minds. Joonmyun finishes off his second glass, looking up at Yifan coyly.

There’s this one moment that their eyes finally lock, and it’s enough for Yifan to put both of their glasses on the table so that he can pin Joonmyun down on the couch so he can kiss him. It’s sloppy and wet and they taste of whiskey and the sweet sauce from the pork that Joonmyun had during dinner and Yifan’s hands are so warm on Joonmyun’s skin and he’s rambling in his mind and they’re moving so fast-

And then Yifan’s looking at him. He looks at Joonmyun like he loves every single moment that they’re together. He looks at Joonmyun like this is a dream come true for him. He looks at Joonmyun with lust shining brightly in his eyes, with his lips red and wet and wanting more of the taste of Joonmyun against it.

Joonmyun pulls him down to crash their lips together, like the inevitable that neither of them could ever stop themselves from falling into. And then everything blurs.

He has four days before the next shot. Before he even opens his eyes, it’s all he can think about. It’s looming over him, trying to pull him back into his usual life but scaring him with the thought of losing everything he learned about himself for the past few days. This short experience with Yifan showed him so much of the world that he’s been missing out on.

Yifan. The thought of him is enough to bring a smile on Joonmyun’s face, and the feeling of his arms around his waist, his face pressed against his shoulder blades makes Joonmyun shiver. It’s a little too warm, but Joonmyun is too comfortable to push him away.

It must be nice, to wake up like this everyday. It must be nice to feel so content and happy and surrounded by something or someone that you love.

Love. That’s a strange word. There was a time that he detested it so much. There was a time that he couldn’t stand the thought of the word.

And now he knows what it feels like to love. And it’s not entirely unpleasant.

Yifan wakes up a few hours later, pressing a kiss against the back of Joonmyun’s neck. “Good morning,” he murmurs.

“Good morning.” Joonmyun pulls his arm forward and presses their bodies even closer together. It’s better like this, not a single space between their skins.

Yifan pulls back and crawls on top of Joonmyun. “I’ll make breakfast and you can wait or shower or something. My closet’s right there if you want to borrow anything, but probably not because-”

“Everything’s too big. I’m aware.” Joonmyun chuckles, pulling him down for another long kiss. Yifan cradles his face with both hands, gentle as their lips slide against each other. Soft, sweet, careful.

Joonmyun pulls away first. “Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?” Yifan feels like he’s walking on eggshells, too afraid to set Joonmyun off and make him run away from this, from them.

“Stop treating me like I’m a delicate girl or fine china or whatever. Don’t hold yourself back.” He emphasizes his point by pulling him down harshly, not caring if their teeth clack against each other painfully. The kiss is sloppier, messier, exactly how Joonmyun wants it.

He feels Yifan’s fingers digging into his hip, and the older man has to pull away when he realizes what he’s doing to Joonmyun. Yifan laughs nervously, brushing his nose against Joonmyun’s cheek. “Sorry. That’s what happens when I don’t control myself. When it comes to you, I need a lot of self-restraint.”

They spend most of the day in bed, kissing and talking and watching TV and sometimes just staring at each other. And then there were the other activities in bed. It’s the most unproductive day Joonmyun’s had in years, but it’s the only one he can say he genuinely enjoyed.

Yifan’s found the way to pull him out of his head, to keep him tied down to reality. Joonmyun allows him to do this. Joonmyun allows Yifan to save him from himself.

He goes home with the memory of that day permanently embedded in his brain. He checks his phone and smiles at the new message. It’s from Yixing, telling him to be happy, no matter what. Joonmyun thinks he’s found just that.

He has three days before the next shot. Joonmyun suddenly feels the weight of the decision he’s going to make on his shoulders. Some would think that it’s easy by now; he loves Yifan. Yifan might possibly love him back. What’s there to question? Why would he take the Suppressant when he has someone who makes him happy?

The ease is for the ones who have lived both lives, the one with all and the one with none.

Joonmyun is a coward. That’s why he took the Suppressants in the first place. He doesn’t know what life is. He doesn’t know who he truly is without those drugs.

So he can’t be blamed for still wanting it. He can’t be blamed for wanting to stay in the familiar. Love doesn’t change everything. Love doesn’t solve all problems.

The day passes by like a blur. He’s back to hiding inside his mind, but this time it’s worse because he’s aware that he’s doing this. He’s aware that now he has someone to go to, someone who he can talk to about everything that he’s feeling, but he chooses to keep it in. It’s not healthy, he knows.

Kyungsoo shakes his head and points at Joonmyun’s phone. It turns out that Yifan’s been trying to call him for the past half hour and Joonmyun hasn’t even moved an inch. He picks up quickly, a litany of apologies ready on his tongue.

“Let’s have dinner together,” suggests Yifan before Joonmyun can even start. The younger man stares blankly ahead of him.

“I’m sorry, what?”

He can hear Yifan’s exasperated sigh. “Let’s have dinner tonight in my apartment. I can cook.”

Joonmyun unknowingly smiles. “Okay. Wait for me at the parking lot. I’ll be out in a while.”

He finishes up his portion of the project. Kyungsoo clears his throat loudly, getting Joonmyun’s attention. He cocks his head to the side curiously.

“You’ve been smiling ever since the call,” Kyungsoo deadpans. “I would be happy for you, but you look really creepy.”

Joonmyun blushes, quickly saving the document and shutting off the computer. “I’m going on a date, I think.”

“Haven’t you been going out on dates for the past week?” he points out. It makes Joonmyun blush even harder.

“Yes, but now it’s an official dinner date.” He checks his watch. “I should really go now.”

Joonmyun leaves the office in haste, excited to see Yifan waiting for him downstairs. He pulls him down to kiss him sweetly on the lips. “Let’s go.”

He has two days before the next shot. Joonmyun doesn’t know what to do. Even with the comforting kiss on his forehead as Yifan drops him off in his apartment building to get changed, he’s still scared. He’s still conflicted. He still doesn’t know what he wants to do.

And as the day passes and Yifan is even sweeter than usual, it gets harder and harder for Joonmyun to choose. What if he takes the Suppressants and he never falls for Yifan ever again? What if he doesn’t and he ends up hurting himself?

What if he never finds the happiness that he’s really been looking for?

He has a day before the next shot. It’s strange to wake up without Yifan beside him. If he takes the Suppressant, he won’t have to feel that hollow feeling of being apart from someone that you love…

Then again, he won’t feel anything at all.

Joonmyun calls Kyungsoo and files a sick leave. It’s real though. He really does feel sick to the stomach.

He has a few minutes before his next shot. For the first time in seven years, Joonmyun asks to take home the syringe so that he can do it by himself. The nurse hands it to him in a bag, not having to instruct Joonmyun on how to use it or where to inject it in his body. He’s been taking this for long enough.

Joonmyun takes the bus home. It gives him more time to think again. This may be temporary, but so are his feelings. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever feel like this ever again, if he’ll still love Yifan after the Suppressants wear off.

He sits on his living room couch and waits. He waits for a sign that he shouldn’t do this, that he should throw that paper bag into the trash and out of his sight. He waits for a sign that Yifan is the right choice, that Yifan won’t hurt him in the end, that Yifan will make him happy. He waits.

There’s someone loudly knocking at his door. Joonmyun ignores it. Then the door bursts open and Yifan rushes in, looking for Joonmyun. He sees the syringe on the coffee table, and he exhales a sigh of relief.

“Joonmyun,” he calls out, sitting beside him to pull him into a hug. He’s shaking as badly as Joonmyun is. He must be afraid too. He must understand what it’s like to fear the thought of losing someone he loves.

“Joonmyun, please don’t do this. Please don’t forget me.”

“I won’t forget you even if I take the Suppressants, Yifan.”

“I know you won’t forget me, but you’ll forget the feeling of being with me. And I don’t want to be the only one who’s in love here. I don’t want to wait and wait and hope that when the drugs wear off, you’ll still be the Joonmyun that I fell for. I love you as you are, and I want to help you. I want to heal you. I want you to live fully and love fully because I love you.”

Joonmyun exhales shakily.

Yifan lays him down gently, a soft look etched on his face. Joonmyun must be tired. With everything that’s happened… Yifan would be exhausted too.

He kisses his forehead gently. “I love you,” he whispers. He doesn’t expect Joonmyun to say it back, but he wants to say it. He wants Joonmyun to hear it again.

Joonmyun manages to grab his hand, even if he’s half-asleep. “I love you too.” He smiles. “Sleep beside me? You don’t have to drive back home anymore.”

Yifan laughs softly. “It’s a good thing I didn’t get dressed yet.”

Joonmyun hums under his breath, running his hands all over Yifan’s chest. “It’s a very good thing.” He leans up to kiss his collarbone. “Now let’s sleep.”

a/n: i had feels and i wanted to write krisho angst
also, I WROTE SOMETHING THAT ISN'T A DRABBLE OR LONGFIC FOR THE FIRST TIME IN SO LONG