dreams don't turn to dust. (8/8)
The office is filled with tension as soon as they walk in. Lu Han takes a deep breath and tries to ignore the weight of all their eyes on him. He told himself earlier that he wasn't afraid of this, but now he certainly is. Joonmyun walks ahead of him, taking the cup of coffee from his assistant before opening the door to Lu Han's office. Yixing's already waiting inside, silently drifting into sleep on the couch.
Lu Han shakes him gently, and they look at each other warily before Yixing goes back to his usual self, standing up instantly in surprise. "H-hi," he says nervously. Lu Han chuckles, shaking his head and hanging his coat on the rack.
"It's alright. We're all tired." He doesn't mention their night before because he doesn't really want to remember. It was pleasant, holding Yixing's hand like that again, but it wasn't something they really had to talk about. It was better if they just stayed silent about it.
"In a few minutes, the Election Commission will announce the newly-elected president of our great nation. For now, let's have a brief recap on the race up to this point," the news anchor says. Lu Han takes a seat in front of the television, anticipating whatever they're going to say about him.
The three of them laugh at all the nice things they say about Lu Han, all his achievements as a senator and as a philanthropist. "They have no idea how many stupid things I've done in my life," says Lu Han. Joonmyun laughs, finishing off his cup of coffee.
"If they knew, no one would vote for you, Lu Han. You've had more than just a fair share of stupidity," he comments.
"That's true. I was there on the dumbest part of your life," Yixing chuckles, "and it wasn't pretty, I'm telling you."
Lu Han blushes and looks away from the two of them. "I don't deserve this treatment."
Yixing laughs openly, not caring if the people outside will hear them. "Sorry, Lu Han, but you were hilarious when you were in your early twenties, getting drunk every other night."
"I can easily imagine that," mutters Joonmyun. "At least you're not a forty-year-old alcoholic now."
"I could have been worse." Lu Han smiles, cherishing banter like this for what may possibly be one of the last few times. Yixing doesn't check his phone today, doesn't leave the room a thousand times to make a thousand calls. He pays attention to Lu Han and Lu Han only, and it makes him feel all warm inside.
"--now, we have the results." The office is suddenly enveloped in silence. Lu Han, Yixing and Joonmyun leave the room to be with everyone else as they watched the news on the giant TV in the main working floor. Everyone's standing in silence, waiting with bated breaths.
"For the next president of the Republic of New China," says the announcer, hands shaking as he holds the paper in front of him.
"Let us congratulate… our new leader, President Kim Minseok!"
The office is still enveloped in silence, shocked and dejected. Some of them look like they're about to burst into tears, months of hard work and sleepless nights not being worth anything anymore. Joonmyun's broken inside, but he's still trying to maintain a straight face. Yixing doesn't even move.
And Lu Han's left there, the weight of hundred pairs of eyes on him again. They expect him to say something, of course. So what does he say? That he's disappointed? That he had all these dreams but he's probably not going to get another chance to run and make them come to life? That he feels as if they've wasted their lives on him, and he deserves this punishment?
Lu Han starts clapping. He smiles at Yixing and Joonmyun, and they clap as well. Soon enough, everyone's clapping, and it takes them a few moments to realize that they're clapping for themselves instead of mindlessly following Lu Han as they've been doing for the past few months.
"Clap for yourselves. You all deserve it, so much more than me," says Lu Han, voice shaking but still attempting to be firm. They keep clapping, and that's when some people start crying. Their coworkers comfort them, starting to become teary too.
"Thank you for your hard work. Thank you for believing in me, and know that none of this could have been accomplished without you." Lu Han looks at everyone who's crying. "To me, this is not a defeat. This is not the end of the world. Perhaps it just wasn't meant to be, and right now, I believe that fate really is telling me that."
Fate. Destiny. He looks over to his side and Yixing's looking at the ground, smiling softly as he continues to clap.
"I wanted to announce this if I didn't win, and I think I should say it now," says Lu Han. He looks at Joonmyun for confirmation, and the younger male nods his support. "I'm not running for a third term as senator. As much as I do love the chance to create change, I still believe in my organization. I still believe that Moon Tree is where I belong. I'd like to go back to work here after this last term.
"Thank you for all of your help. I hope we all continue to be determined and to believe that we, the people of this nation, are the ones responsible for the change that we want to achieve."
They all clap for him, but he knows he doesn't really deserve it. It's true that he'll be nothing without them; that wasn't just bullshit that he said to make them feel better and make him look good. His team was the primary reason why he even made it to this point.
The three of them return to the privacy of Lu Han's office, and surprisingly, they don't seem all that bothered by the loss. Joonmyun smiles a little, looking at all the posters and plans they made before the great announcement. Yixing's looking out towards the city, listening to the sounds of the country cheering. They don't look sad, and they probably aren't as upset as they expected themselves to be.
"Guys," Lu Han says softly, waiting for them to turn around and look at him. When he meets Joonmyun's eyes, he feels himself tear up. "Thank you."
His voice cracks before he catches himself and that's when Joonmyun rushes over to tackle him. Yixing walks slowly, afraid to break the brittle barrier that Lu Han's put around himself. Joonmyun isn't crying openly, but he is sniffling, afraid to seem weak.
"Thank you," Lu Han repeats. "Thank you for everything. Thank you for tolerating all the crap we've been through together. Thank you for tolerating me, and thank you for believing."
Yixing's grinning at him, an arm around Joonmyun's shoulders. Joonmyun still has his face buried into Lu Han's neck, hiding the tears that Lu Han can feel pressed against his skin.
"It was a pleasure," says Yixing. "Congratulations."
"For what?" asks Lu Han.
"For winning." Yixing smiles, probably enjoying the confusion on Lu Han's face. "You don't need to win the election to be called a winner, Lu Han. You've done so well, much better than I expected, and that's a victory in itself."
Lu Han starts laughing, and it finally rouses Joonmyun from his hiding place under Lu Han's chin, laughing as well. Yixing stares at the two of them. "What? What did I do wrong?"
"I didn't expect you to be cheesy," Lu Han manages to say, still giggling in between his words.
"And lame. Really lame," answers Joonmyun. The three of them laugh, ignoring the disappointment deep within their hearts, ignoring the regrets that they suddenly felt because everything feels like a waste of time and energy and resources now. Lu Han's heart feels like it's about to burst with how warm he feels, comfortable with two people who he really trusts with all his life.
"Whatever." Yixing shrugs, still smiling though. "I have to go though."
"Thank you," Lu Han whispers, voice cracking everywhere it's not supposed to. Yixing pats his shoulder, the final touch, before he leaves again.
Lu Han isn't that broken up about it anymore. They've been apart for a long time, and he knows they'll find their way back to each other somehow. Maybe it won't happen any time soon, but it will happen. For now, he lets Yixing go, and he knows that the heartbreak will come soon, just not right now.
Joonmyun pulls away from him fully, looking at their board of plans again. Piece by piece, he starts taking them off, careful not to rip anything. Lu Han looks at him oddly until he turns and smiles at him.
"You never know when you might need it again." Joonmyun's wink doesn't imply that he wants him to run again; Lu Han knows that Joonmyun just likes keeping memorable things, taking care of them in fear that one day, he'll pass away without having anything to recall fondly. Joonmyun is sentimental that way.
Outside their office, people are cleaning up too. Cleaning files, putting down posters, throwing away little pins and banners; it's simply protocol. Besides that, everything feels like a normal day. There are people bantering, laughing, playing games on their phones in hopes that no one catches them.
For the next few days, that's all people do. They clean up and try to give the campaign some closure. Lu Han goes out in public to shake Minseok's hand, and the smile on his face is as genuine as it can be. Minseok pulls him into a hug, congratulating him good-heartedly on the run. Kyungsoo is behind them, smiling with a clenched fist as he looks at how tightly Lu Han holds Minseok.
Joonmyun doesn't speak much, reminding Lu Han of his duties as senator every now and then. Lu Han almost forgot that he still has that title, but Joonmyun, as responsible as ever, is doing his job as the best chief-of-staff in existence. Lu Han would have gotten nowhere without that guy.
Lu Han's surprised when Joonmyun enters his office, clad in simple clothes and lugging a bag behind him. "Hey?" Lu Han greets, going through a revision that a congressman sent him.
"Hey," says Joonmyun, a small smile on his face. "I'm going on a vacation for a month. I filed my leave already."
Lu Han's shocked. "I didn't hear anything about this."
"Sorry. It was a bit of a surprise for me too, but the guy I met back in Vancouver told me that he was free of any projects for about a month and he wanted me to come over all of a sudden," he explains.
Lu Han raises his eyebrow. "'The guy I met back in Vancouver?' Do you mind explaining why you never told me of this?"
Joonmyun blushes. "Sorry, I wasn't really sure if I needed to share it to you. If it makes you feel better, the only person who knew about it was Baekhyun, and that's because he probably planned it when he sent me to check on all of those projects we had in North America."
"I'm happy for you, Joonmyun," says Lu Han, a grin on his face. It's a mask, to be honest. He's actually in pain at the thought that Joonmyun's found someone who can love him as much as he can love back, and he's still stuck pining after someone who he probably has no hope with anymore.
Joonmyun waves and turns around, but he doesn't open the door. Lu Han tilts his head in confusion, waiting for Joonmyun to say something. The younger male turns around and leans on the door.
"Lu Han, even if I knew that you'd never love me back, I never gave up. I never stopped hoping that one day, you'd see me as more than a best friend and a trusted partner. It may have seemed like I just stopped caring, but I still did. I still cared about you in that way. We both pretended that nothing happened for the past eleven years, and I'm thankful for that. But we both know that I didn't want just this.
"And then I met that guy, and I realized that I deserve to love someone who loves me. I didn't want anyone but you for all this time, until I met him and I didn't have to wait for you anymore.
"You and Yixing clearly love each other. You can pretend as much as you want, but we all know the truth. He may act like he doesn't care about you, but he does. We've talked before, and he told me about missing you. He acted like he didn't love you anymore, but he did, and you love him too. Nothing should stop you from being together, especially not pride of fear. You shouldn't stop yourself from being happy and from being loved."
Joonmyun's smiling, something gentle and soft in his eyes. He looks tired, he really is, but he looks happy. Lu Han's never noticed it, but Joonmyun's changed a lot. He's aged too, but he aged in a good way. He looks like someone who's lived a long, tiring life, but he's somehow content with everything he's gone through.
Lu Han wonders if he looks like that too. He wonders if he looks like he enjoyed the past ten years, but he didn't. He wasn't happy.
"I should go," Joonmyun says gently, knowing that he's trapped under all his thoughts. Lu Han stands up to hug him tightly before leaving the room and helping him with his bag. The people wave at Joonmyun, and some even hug him as if he's leaving forever.
Baekhyun's waiting by the elevator, a smirk on his face. "Have fun on your vacation, Joonmyun."
Joonmyun narrows his eyes at the sight of his malicious grin. "Thanks, Baekhyun. You can take that smirk off your face though; you look uglier than usual."
"Well that hurts," Baekhyun feigns offense, "but don't forget that you wouldn't have met him if I hadn't forced you to go there."
Joonmyun chuckles, realizing that there's no way to win against Baekhyun. "Fine. Thank you for that too."
Baekhyun places an arm around his shoulders. "I really do want you two to be happy together. Have fun!"
He leaves them, and Lu Han stays with Joonmyun until they arrive at the lobby. Joonmyun still has that grin on his face, shaking his head when he realizes how stupid he must look. Lu Han chuckles, handing him his bag silently.
"Be good," advises Lu Han. "Don't do stupid things without me."
"Isn't that my line?" teases Joonmyun, hitting Lu Han on the shoulder gently. "You be good too. I'll call every now and then if I have to."
"Don't," Lu Han tells him. "I want you to have a real vacation. You have nothing to worry about with me now."
Lu Han sends him off, grinning and waving as the car drives away. The walk back to his office is slow, deep in thought as he thinks of Joonmyun and his speech earlier. Many years have passed, and Lu Han is still in love with Yixing. He's still in love with him.
That must mean something, right?
A few years later, and Yixing's exhausted. He's old, and this job is tiring. He's dealt with enough stupid celebrities and self-righteous politicians and douchebags who only care about themselves.
Then there are the occasional clients that aren't complete idiots, and Yixing smiles at the thought of some of them.
Jongdae narrows his eyes at the smile on his face, and he drops an envelope in front of Yixing. He sees the seal of the President on the envelope, and his palms start to sweat. If Minseok found out about all the illegal things he's been doing for his clients, he's sure that he'll be pretty pissed.
When he tears open the envelope, he's surprised to see a personal, handwritten letter from Minseok.
"Dear Mr. Zhang Yixing,
We've been friends for a few years now, so I think it's time I drop the formalities. You've been a great adviser to me, despite the history we've had since you were Lu Han's adviser before. Thank you for always telling me to do the right thing and also for being good at keeping secrets.
As you know, Kyungsoo resigned as my chief of staff a few weeks ago. We didn't really plan it like this, but we're planning on getting married! We want a very private ceremony, as private and secretive as possible. It's not that we're ashamed of this relationship; we just don't want the entire nation tuning into our marriage.
We have a really short guest list, but be honored since you're part of it. Kyungsoo and I would really love it if you came. If you're too busy and you can't make it, please be discreet about this. We really want this to be a secret between our closest friends.
Thank you, Yixing, and I hope you can come on the day of the ceremony."
Yixing's grinning as he finishes reading the letter. "It's about damn time," he murmurs to himself.
"What are you talking about?" Yixing hides the letter from Zitao's prying eyes. Zitao smirks at him, picking up the envelope to see where it came from. "Oh? Minseok wants something from you?"
Yixing snatches the envelope back from him and folds the paper neatly, placing it inside. "Leave me alone. Minseok's my good friend, and he's asking for a favor."
"Damn, I didn't think you were hot enough for even the president to ask favors from you," teases Jongin. Everyone laughs, and Yixing hides his face behind his hands to hide how funny it is to think that Kyungsoo and Minseok are going to get married and the idiots that he works with are teasing him with Minseok.
"You idiot. We all know Minseok's with Kyungsoo, and Yixing can't compete against that guy," says Jongdae. Yixing narrows his eyes, slightly offended. "Come on, we all know that Kyungsoo's capable of killing someone in five seconds if they breathe near Minseok. He's probably more effective than the Secret Service when it comes to protecting the President."
They all burst into laughter at that, and they acknowledge that it's probably the truth. Kyungsoo and Minseok have been together for years, and that's why Yixing's surprised that they're only getting married now. Then again, it is pretty weird for the chief-of-staff to marry the President, so maybe the resignation was a good idea.
Yixing hides the envelope within the secret compartment of his desk, careful to check if anyone's seen him. The only person who knows of the compartment is Jongdae, and that's only because Yixing's forced to tell him everything.
Within that drawer is a stack of letters from his mother, hidden and cared for so very well since it's the last connection he had with his family; a guitar pick that he found in a concert stadium, and he just assumed that it was his idol's so he kept it; a picture of him with Lu Han, standing in the doorway of their shared dorm room, grinning and leaning against each other.
Yixing stops, looks at that picture, and goes through the others in the pile.
There's a picture of Lu Han sleeping on a train, mouth slightly agape, eyelashes resting on his cheekbones; a picture of Yixing on the stage in his first songwriting competition, accepting the first place award and a signed guitar from a famous celebrity he can't seem to remember; a picture of Lu Han with a cat that they picked up on the street, grinning and holding it like a baby; a picture of Yixing with that cat, scrunching his face as it licks his cheek; a picture of Lu Han with his arms around Yixing's waist as Yixing takes the photo.
Yixing takes a deep breath. One day, he's going to have to clear out this drawer.
Time has passed. So much time has passed. He looks at Lu Han with a fondness that he can't explain, even if he thought he would still hate him even until now. But when he remembers that night before voting day two years ago, he only remembers the softness of Lu Han's fingers and the warmth of his palm against Yixing's. He doesn't remember their past, only the few good times that they had together.
Maybe that's what age does to you. It sheds a new light on everything you see.
Perhaps Lu Han's happier now, since he's not a big-shot senator anymore. Yixing never really said it out loud, but he always knew that politics wasn't for Lu Han. He knew that Lu Han was at his happiest when he saw the good effect of his actions directly instead of having to wait around and ask everyone to approve on whatever he wanted to do.
Lu Han was, and still is, a good person. It's the most admirable thing about him. Even if he has a tendency to break hearts, he's a good person, and Yixing can't deny that.
"Why are you smiling?" asks Jongdae, and Yixing shuts the compartment all of a sudden. Jongdae recognizes the sound and smirks. "What were you smiling at, then?"
"It was nothing," Yixing says flatly. "Go away."
Jongdae laughs, shaking his head as Yixing glares at him. "Don't even deny it, Yixing. We all know you're done with being angry."
And so what if I am? Does that really change much? Yixing wants to shout. Even if he isn't angry anymore, that doesn't mean he's going to crawl back into Lu Han's arms and wait to have his heart broken again. There are other things that he'd rather do, and one of them is to go back to work.
As soon as Yixing opens his laptop, the doorbell rings. Not everyone knows where the doorbell is, so they assume that it's a previous client. Sehun is staring at the surveillance monitors when Yixing passes by his little corner of the office. Yixing narrows his eyes.
"Is something wrong?" His voice takes on a dangerous tone. Sehun shakes his head, walking up to him and pushing him back slightly.
"I'll open the door. Go sit down or something." Sehun's being forceful, and that's a normal thing, so Yixing goes into the conference room. For some reason, even the rest of them seem tense. This isn't good.
Yixing faces all of them. "What's going on--"
"Yixing."
He stops at the sound of that voice. It's gotten softer over the years, but the tone is firm, strong. It reminds him of spring, of frantic nights and sleepy mornings, of long days when all they would do was talk and sleep, of a warm hand, fingers intertwined with his.
Hesitantly, Yixing turns around and faces Lu Han again, the first meeting after two years.
"Hi," Lu Han says carefully, as if he's afraid to set Yixing off or something like that. Yixing is still in disbelief because Lu Han is standing here, right here, in front of him. He feels himself shaking, but he's not entirely sure why.
"Lu Han." Yixing takes a deep breath. "What do you want?"
"I… well," Lu Han bites his lip, "I want a date."
Yixing snorts, sudden and ungraceful, but that's also what Lu Han's abrupt interruption of their day is like. Lu Han's beaming at him, not caring at all if the others are staring at them. The only one that really matters here is Lu Han.
And maybe Jongdae, since he seems to be getting a kick from the shocked look on Yixing's face and the shameless way that Lu Han just stands there.
"Go away, Lu Han. I'm sure you have more things to do than to go out with me." Yixing turns around, but Lu Han grabs his wrist. With a stern glare from Zitao and Jongin, Lu Han lets go, waiting for Yixing to face him again.
"What's stopping you from leaving me hanging? What's stopping you from being a complete ass like before?" asks Yixing, not ready to face Lu Han, unless he's strong enough to face a fear with a pretty face. The others give them some privacy, wanting them to sort this out on their own.
"Just give me one last chance, Yixing. This time, I'm back to being just a simple Lu Han. I'm not a young idiot who's afraid of commitment anymore." The confession forces Yixing to turn around; all this time, he thought he was the problem, even if it was always Lu Han.
"I miss you. I really do, and I think we both deserve another shot at this. I promise you that things will change, in a good way I hope." Yixing loves the earnestness in his voice, the firm way he speaks each and every word, as if he means them all. This time, things will change, and Yixing's starting to become sure of that.
"If I go out with you," Lu Han perks up at that, "we're going to start out as friends." Lu Han narrows his eyes. "No kissing, no touching, no googly eyes."
Lu Han snorts. "You sure about that?"
"I'm sure!" Yixing says strongly. "No couple-y things. None of the sort. We're just friends, just friends," he repeats, just in case Lu Han decides to selectively forget that part.
Lu Han slides an arm around Yixing's waist and smirks. "Maybe… friends with benefits and lots of unresolved sexual tension?"
Yixing laughs and hits his arm until he pulls away. "Don't even-- let's go, Lu Han."
Lu Han grins, a new spark in his eyes, a new spark to his life, and it's on to the next chapter in their lives.
a/n: so this was my entry for onlayforlu 2014 round and YOU ALL KNEW IT WAS ME JUST BY LOOKING AT THE WORD COUNT AND THE "a lot of side pairings" IN THE WARNINGS
to madina bby, my beta, thank you for offering me advice whenever you can. i'd also like to thank ayumi bae, ate kichie, ate coney and all of my tlist for being amazing and amusing me whenever i felt too dejected to finish this fic. i love you all <3
title from "dreams don't turn to dust" by owl city and cut from "halo" by beyonce (♡♡ my queen ♡♡)
yolo peace out see you in a few months when i'm motivated enough to write fic again