i am yours but you can't be mine.

[junfhongs]

i am yours but you can't be mine.
Chanyeol/Kyungsoo, minor!Kai/Kyungsoo - PG - angst - 4629 words
they try not to make it hurt, but pain is inevitable.
a/n: continuation of enchanted.



The friend label is a label that I got to hate
The feelings I’ve hid still remain as a painful secret memory
The photos that can’t define our relationship is a heartbreaking story
I’m sorry, summer, now goodbye, yeah
--"Goodbye Summer" by f(Amber, Luna, Krystal) (feat. D.O of EXO)

“Hi.”

His breath is caught in his throat when he hears the familiar deep rumbling of Chanyeol’s voice. Kyungsoo is speechless, mind blown, completely out of his mind when he sees the man again after years of minimal conversation and slow yet sure disconnection. The cold breeze passes by quickly, and even while wearing his gloves and two coats, Kyungsoo shudders.

Chanyeol steps closer to him and immediately, the air is warmer. The shorter of the two shivers again for an entirely different reason. Their spines are rigid, hands unconsciously clenching into fists and then letting loose again. A careless smile graces Chanyeol’s face, not quite reaching his eyes, so similar to how it was before. Kyungsoo bites his bottom lip and the familiar gestures of nervousness are still fresh in their minds.

A pregnant pause later, and Kyungsoo starts talking. “Chanyeol.” His tone is neutral, so leveled, that Chanyeol can’t even detect the slight warmth that always resonates in his voice. He clenches his fist so hard that he can feel his nails digging into the flesh of his palm, hidden safely in the pocket of his giant coat.

“I didn’t know you were back at home,” Chanyeol says slowly. Simple words are all they have; heavy enough to start conversation, light enough to conceal everything that they’re just waiting to say. Kyungsoo nods, and this time the small smile on his face is real.

“Yeah, just last month.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Another pregnant pause, long enough for Chanyeol to reflect on how completely wrong his choice of words were. Too abrupt, too heavy that it broke the subtle balance where they’re both trying so hard to hold their own weight. Chanyeol put too much on Kyungsoo’s side, and he knows that it’s only right to have something dropped on him too.

“It’s been a few-- no, a lot of years. I wasn’t sure if you’d still have the same number,” it’s not over, “or if you’d even want to know that I was back.”

Chanyeol shifts his weight forward and back, blaming it on the cold wind when it’s actually his discomfort giving him cold feet. He can see strangers walking past them, probably wondering why there were these two kids standing around, as tight as taut strings, ready to snap. Another cold breeze, another long pause and Chanyeol gives up.

“Of course I would want to know,” Chanyeol mutters, adds because you’re my best friend in his head but keeps it there because he knows it’s the truth, but not the full truth. Kyungsoo mouths it back to him, though, and he almost wants to reach out and just hug him as tight as he can. Hands itching at his sides, Chanyeol returns to clenching his fist again and again, until numbness is the only thing present in his hands.

“Would you really?” A slight smile on his lips, a very faint lilting of his voice and the old Kyungsoo he knew was starting to come back. Chanyeol wonders if the old Chanyeol will come back too, and that the years of exhaustion hasn’t exactly burnt out the person that he used to be.

“I really, really, really would.”

Kyungsoo dropped his books on the floor. He always starts the story from there because that was really when the story began for them.

He dropped his books on the floor, and by some magic luck, some of them fell down the stairs, toppling over and getting some of the pages dirty. Kyungsoo sighed, cursed his luck and started picking them up. He wondered why he always brought so many books around before he was interrupted by a giant hand grabbing the book at the foot of the stairs.

Kyungsoo looked up, confused, only to be greeted by a warm smile and a goofy face. He stayed frozen for a few seconds until he heard the bellow of their teacher ringing along the corridors. They stood to attention, both of them holding onto the textbook’s spine.

They kept their eyes to the ground while the old man accused them of cutting classes, gave them detention after classes and shouted at them again. While he was walking away, the snickering started, then came the shaking, then came the loud, uncontrollable laughter. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol were sitting on the steps, laughing like they’ve known each other since forever, as if they weren’t just scolded by a teacher a few moments past.

“Park Chanyeol,” the tall boy said. He smiled again, bright and infectious. Kyungsoo couldn’t help but smile back.

“Do Kyungsoo. I’m not really fond of detention, but you know, I can always just blame you for this.” Kyungsoo’s tone was cheeky, minutely leaning towards Chanyeol.

“I will fully take the blame for being a helpful student,” Chanyeol proclaimed, right hand in the air while he made a pledge.

“I will always blame you for everything bad that happens to me.” Kyungsoo giggled, blushing at how stupid they must have looked with their hands in the air, promising stupid things for the sake of a friendship that randomly started.

Then Kyungsoo remembered that he still had a class and he waved goodbye to Chanyeol, promising to see him at detention.

Park Chanyeol was casual, easy and relaxing to be with. There was just something that clicked between them, something so natural that they almost didn’t notice that they’ve spent their lunch break together, secretly eating in the library. Kyungsoo Then would have run away from this person who clearly had no respect for rules, but Kyungsoo Now still stayed, carefully nibbling on a biscuit behind one of the shelves in the Reference section.

Their teacher rolled his eyes at the sight of Chanyeol in detention but was surprised at seeing Kyungsoo trailing after him soon after. The two of them took seats beside each other, smiling slightly. He sighed, whispering “teenagers,” before sitting down on his desk and watching the rest of the poor souls stuck for half an hour with him.

They had walked along the corridor, still shoving each other to the side while they struggled to keep their bags on shoulders and their pants on their hips. Kyungsoo rolled his eyes at Chanyeol obnoxious laugh before pushing him one last time and signaling for them to stop.

Surprisingly, they got on the same train together, heading for areas near each other. Chanyeol smiled at him, asking what he did to deserve meeting Kyungsoo. The younger of the two didn’t look too deeply into it, seeing that it was just Chanyeol, and he wasn't the type of person that Kyungsoo would look deeply into.

They huddle in a coffee shop, closing the door quickly to keep the warmth in. Kyungsoo’s eyes are wide as usual, feet refusing to stop moving. Chanyeol smiles his nervous grin, nearly running to go to the counter while Kyungsoo finds a seat for them. He orders something that Kyungsoo would like, something sweet and warm, just like Kyungsoo.

The small male smiles when he takes his first sip. The taste lingers on his tongue, sweet and creamy. He can see the little upward turn of Chanyeol’s lips behind the rim of the mug, clearly pleased with himself. Kyungsoo doesn’t have to look at the color of the coffee to know that it’s black. He doesn’t have to look at Chanyeol’s hand to know that he secretly mixed a teaspoon of sugar with that. He doesn’t have to ask Chanyeol anything at all. He just knows.

They stare at the depths of their mugs for a few seconds before cold air enters from the entrance of the little shop. It’s a group of college students, all of them shivering with their books and bags heavily weighing on their backs. They all look flustered, looking for a place to stay.

A barista approaches the two men sitting in a big booth. “Excuse me sir, but do you mind if you move to the couch? We really need to accommodate these new customers.”

The girl looks apologetic, but Chanyeol shakes his head with a smile and pulls Kyungsoo up by the wrist. “It’s okay. We can move.”

Chanyeol and Kyungsoo squeeze together on the couch near the heater. Chanyeol has to keep his legs close to his body to be able to fit and Kyungsoo chuckles, easily fitting into the space Chanyeol left him. Warmth travels between them, a spark igniting whenever they accidentally brush by each other when taking short, deliberate sips of their slowly cooling coffee.

Silence is emphasized by chatter, tension seen in their tightly pressed lips. They came here to talk, but they stay wordlessly in fear of the multitude of emotions fighting inside them.

Teenagers were fickle people; one day, there was something, but in the next, it's gone. You could be everything to someone then be nothing to them in a matter of seconds. There's a fear of getting too attached, of holding on to something that'll wriggle away from your grasp without any reason to do so.

Kyungsoo had held onto something only to watch it run away. Kyungsoo had felt the emptiness of losing something that he had thought would be his forever, something that would never ever be like the others. Of course, disappointment was all he could feel after losing his greatest friend, and attachment was something he wouldn't dare feel.

Chanyeol was special, he always mused. Chanyeol was a constant to him now; the only one he could trust with his strangest quirks and his darkest secrets and several hours spent playing video games instead of sleeping and nights under the light of stars, words unneeded as they stare at everything bigger and greater than they were. Chanyeol was the friend that he could call a friend, the one that he was never afraid of losing.

Kyungsoo once had a best friend. “Once” being the operative word.

He was young and he got attached too easily and he thought that this would be his forever, but it wasn’t. He wasn’t shattered into pieces; he just shrunk and quietly broke and allowed the world to spin while he collapsed on himself.

Loss hurts.

Kyungsoo bowed to Chanyeol's mom deeply before climbing up the stairs and barging into Chanyeol's room. The tall male was on his bed, strumming on a guitar with a pencil in his mouth. The look of concentration was etched on his face, taking down notes on the paper in front of him.

Seeing Kyungsoo waiting in his doorframe surprised him and he immediately made space for him on the cluttered bed. "Sorry it's a mess. I just had to write this down."

"Can I hear?" Chanyeol was surprised by his request, blushing slightly at the thought of singing to Kyungsoo whose voice was a thousand times better than his deep rasp.

"Sit beside me and look at the lyrics while I play," Kyungsoo was told. He settled down beside Chanyeol, frowning when he still couldn't see the sheet. The tall boy slid an arm around his waist, pulling him closer and positioning his fingers on the fretboard again. Kyungsoo fitted perfectly in his arm, scooting a little closer and adjusting the paper for both of them to see.

Chanyeol always had a way with his words, using simple ones that come together to form something that would hit with an impact. Kyungsoo liked watching his process, on the rare moments that he'd be inspired to write something. He was more of an inconsistent genius; rarely there, but still amazing. Kyungsoo was excited for the day that he would get his big break, for both of them.

Their voices harmonized well, Kyungsoo reaching the higher notes while Chanyeol simply followed with the second voice. Hands slowly getting tired, Kyungsoo took over Chanyeol's position on the frets, struggling a little with his shorter fingers. They shared a short look; a little something they always did whenever they felt like nothing else could replace this moment in their minds.

"You're totally the first person to get my mix tape. I trust no one else except for you.

Just promise to listen to it forever."

They lied down on the bed, smiling at nothing and making promises to the wind.

Fickleness is not Kyungsoo’s problem. It’s being indecisive; of never being able to choose with the finality that he needs for how serious his choices are. He’s too scared of making decisions for himself, of making mistakes that he can never take back. He’s a lot wiser than most people, but he’s still as lost and still a little more spineless than others.

His days are blurry messes of grey and the palest browns and occasional pitch black. He wakes up everyday, believing that something will change for him. Nothing does, and he goes to sleep hoping that maybe the lack of change will change when he wakes up.

Chanyeol walks silently beside him, eyes focused on the sidewalk in front of him. Kyungsoo doesn’t know why he hasn’t ran away; why he’s enduring this sort of silent torture. There’s nothing they can gain from spending time dwelling on the unchangeable past. The cold temperature nips at the tips of his ears the way their memories are starting to bite back, to resurface and remind them of what used to be.

The taller of the two coughs slightly, attracting Kyungsoo’s attention. They stop abruptly, disturbing the silent peace they had earlier. Eyes still refusing to meet each other, they settle for the pavement below them.

“So where do you live now?" Chanyeol asks it simply because it’s polite. There is no inner curiosity asking if Kyungsoo really is doing okay, if he’s happy and settled down and if he’s going to stay this time. There’s nothing, Chanyeol tells himself, but he wants to know so badly.

“I live alone in my own apartment.” Kyungsoo bites his lower lip. “It’s just nearby. Do you want to see it?”

“I don’t want to bother you or anything--”

“It’s fine. And besides, it’s freezing out here. I know you hate the cold,” Kyungsoo breathes out. He’s shivering, rocking back and forth, and Chanyeol notices. He takes off his scarf and places it around Kyungsoo’s neck.

The blush on his face isn’t just from the cold.

His apartment is relatively small, just big enough for someone with Kyungsoo’s simplicity. It’s a little bare, too impersonal to have been resided in already.

Chanyeol observes the bookshelf. He knows Kyungsoo’s taste so well; thick books by little-known authors. He sees a few pictures of Kyungsoo abroad. He sees old textbooks from college of the subjects that Kyungsoo liked the most.

He sees a full row of CDs and smiles. Most of them were recommended by Chanyeol; their music taste one of the things they openly shared with each other. It’s wave after wave of nostalgia, recalling how they would share earphones and move their heads to the same beat and sing and rap and compose and do everything together. Music was theirs, their common point and their similarity. Now, everything is shifty like sand, as if everything that they knew before is too unstable to be depended on.

A case catches his eye at the very corner, as if it was placed there to attract attention in the first place. He takes it and smiles at the worn out paper, the post-it note hastily stuck inside the plastic case. ‘you are obligated to listen to this ^^’ and Chanyeol can’t help but chuckle at himself.

“You kept it?” Kyungsoo eyes the case in his hands and taps his fingers on the side of the shelf. It’s not a familiar gesture to Chanyeol, but seeing the look in Kyungsoo’s eyes is enough to tell him that it’s a new nervous habit, something else that’s changed about him.

“Of course I did. I promised.” Chanyeol smiles at him fondly. “I didn’t give up on your dream of being an idol, so I was hoping it would be worth something when you got famous.”

Chanyeol chuckles, leaning his head on the shelf. “I can’t believe you thought of that when I already gave up during college.”

“You were always different, Chanyeol. I haven’t given up hope.”

College was a mess.

It was easy to say that they were still the bestest of friends then, living together in the same dorm room and staying with the same group of friends. It felt just like high school, except it wasn’t and they were constantly up all night, reading and writing papers and researching and wishing that this misery they entered would finally be over.

Kyungsoo came home crying one night. He crawled into Chanyeol’s bed and woke him up. He didn’t need a signal or a plea for him to wrap his arm around Kyungsoo, letting him cry on his chest.

“What happened?” Chanyeol softly ran his hand in Kyungsoo’s hair, knowing that he loved it when people did that to him. It seemed to have no effect as Kyungsoo cried more.

“Someone hit on me and asked for my number and I gave it.”

“Isn’t that a good thing? Kyungsoo’s getting some?” Chanyeol tried to make the situation lighter with a shaky smile.

“It’s a guy.”

Chanyeol instantly stopped. Kyungsoo felt the tension in his spine, the sudden change in him, and started sobbing harder and harder. Chanyeol could hear the weak “don’t hate me please,” feel the tears making a wet spot on his shirt and the breaking inside of Kyungsoo. It hurt to have him so close and yet so, so far.

“So?”

Kyungsoo stopped for a second, pulling away just to look at Chanyeol fully. There was no emotion in his eyes, but it wasn’t in a bad way.

“What do you mean ‘so’? Doesn’t that change things?”

Chanyeol shook his head, brushing away the tear tracks on his cheeks and the hair plastered on his forehead. “Of course, something has to change. It doesn’t mean that I should hate you or stay away from you or stop being your best friend just because you do.”

Kyungsoo looked up at him, eyes shining differently. He laid his head back on Chanyeol's chest. "Thank you. For not leaving. For never leaving."

Chanyeol stayed silent. As happy as he was that Kyungsoo was starting to find himself, the feeling of disappointment lingered in his stomach. He was disappointed that Kyungsoo looked at him that way; like the friend that he couldn't live without, like the partner-in-crime, the companion, the person that Chanyeol wants to be so much more than. He was disappointed that he let this happen to him; that he merely accepted that Kyungsoo would slip away from his grasp into a deeper hole of safety and deceit that Chanyeol was so sick of. He was disappointed in himself; being the coward that he was.

Despite all of his disappointments, it is what it is.

Kim Jongin was nice for the first few weeks. He was a gentleman and he made Kyungsoo smile a lot and he was attractive and Chanyeol could only watch as Kyungsoo feel deeper and deeper into his hole of safety and deceit with Jongin. Chanyeol could only stand by while Jongin would play with Kyungsoo, twirling him around in his hand and making him believe in everything that came out of the younger boy's mouth.

Chanyeol did expect that Kyungsoo would come running to him one day, crying his eyes out. He expected that one day he would find Jongin with another girl or guy and his heart would get broken for the very first time in his life. He expected the tears and the sobbing and the warmth of Kyungsoo curled up against him.

He didn't expect the surge of rage, the unexplainable anger that bubbled up within him. Chanyeol was hell-bent on hurting Jongin the way he hurt Kyungsoo.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Jongin cocked an eyebrow at him, cool and casual. Chanyeol nearly burst with anger at the sight of his little smirk.

"Why would you play around with Kyungsoo like that? I--he-- ugh, he liked you, genuinely, but you seem to not see that."

"Look, if you care so much about your boyfriend--"

"You were his boyfriend, not me. You were the one supposed to make him happy, not just me. You were the one who he trusted with his everything, not me."

Jongin rolled his eyes at the fuming Chanyeol in front of him. "It's pretty clear that you're probably the perfect boyfriend for Kyungsoo since you know so much about him. I don't know why you're banging on my door when clearly, you're just reflecting what you want to be for Kyungsoo on me."

Chanyeol had had enough. He stormed out of the room, hands almost painfully clenched into a fist. He was livid with anger, eyes seeing red and smoke coming out of his ears. He almost couldn't stop himself from hitting Jongin, for making him feel guilty for wanting Kyungsoo.

Wanting Kyungsoo's happiness, he meant.

He heard the door open and jumped out of bed to greet Kyungsoo.

He was greeted by the sight of Kyungsoo in Jongin's arms, lips connected and arms around each other.

It didn't hurt for the first few seconds, and then he felt it. He could feel the undeniable tugging at his heart, the sinking of his stomach, the red and green in his eyesight, mixing into an indistinguishable mess of anger and envy. Jongin was bad for Kyungsoo, but he was helpless against love that didn't need to be hidden.

Before Kyungsoo could close the door, he saw the cocky smirk on Jongin's face, the smug expression of success.

It lasted another three months before Kyungsoo got tired of waiting for Jongin to cheat on him. It took another three months of waiting for another rumor that Jongin went home with someone else after a party that he would insistently deny, and it would only take a soft kiss against his lips and a hand on his inner thighs to make Kyungsoo forget for a little while. He dragged the misery on for three more months before Jongin finally admitted that he cheated and Kyungsoo had expected it for so long that he was almost numb to it all, sending him away with a flat “I expected that,” and a wave of his hand.

It’s simple, it’s quick, and Kyungsoo broke down right after Jongin left for the last time.

"That's it, Chanyeol. No more relationships until after I graduate."

"Are you serious? That rarely ever works out."

"I'm serious. I mean, how often do you find someone who can break your heart without even doing anything just by being so, so.... so unsure. I'm pretty sure there are tons of other guys like him out there, and I do not want to deal with any more pain, alright?

"Promise me you'll protect me from getting hurt."

Chanyeol held his head closer to his chest, pressing the lightest kiss on the crown of his head. "I promise."

He promised to protect Kyungsoo, even if he couldn’t protect himself.

There’s another long pause before Kyungsoo starts talking again. “Why did we drift apart?”

Wistful. Hesitant. Afraid. “I don’t know,” Chanyeol whispers, and it’s still unclear to him why he hides, why he’s still hiding.

Graduation was a big deal, the biggest event of their lives.

Chanyeol was ecstatic, grinning widely at his family as he walked off the stage and into his parent’s arms. He smiled at Kyungsoo’s mom, the lady crying in her son’s embrace.

Kyungsoo let go of his mom and walked towards Chanyeol, eyes sparkling with tears. The tall boy placed an arm around his shoulders. They leaned on each other, a familiar gesture that they've gotten used to in the past few years. Chanyeol felt the warmth of Kyungsoo's tears on his shirt, the cue for him to start his waterworks as well.

They stood in the auditorium, surrounded by their families, surrounded by the warmth of their hugs and the comfort that it brought to them.

"Why don't we know? Have you ever thought about that?"

"Yes. So many times, Kyungsoo. I have thought about it and turned it over and over in my head, and I have never really understood why."

Kyungsoo went abroad on his first job. Chanyeol stayed behind, teaching while taking his masters.

Kyungsoo moved on, finding other people to fill the holes that his friends from far away left behind. Chanyeol allowed everything to move past him, even those that he wanted to stay.

They tried to keep their relationship close, even with the distance. They called and chatted and tried to update each other as much as possible. Chanyeol could feel that Kyungsoo was still with him, that nothing had changed except for the fact that they could only see each other through a screen.

Still though, distance was distance and it still made them grow, farther and farther apart.

Chanyeol knows exactly why they drifted apart.

Kyungsoo pretends not to know because he tried to convince himself that he's moved on, but he couldn't. He tried to tell himself that he was fine with seeing Chanyeol happy, a little nervous, but still happy. Chanyeol didn't have to talk about his life for Kyungsoo to know, and it hurt to still understand each other so well.

He wishes that Chanyeol understood earlier so that they wouldn't have had to wait six years before the desire to talk became a need, something that was inevitable for them.

"Kyungsoo."

Chanyeol looks around at the apartment one last time, sweeping over the little quirks that makes the place so distinctly Kyungsoo. Hand hesitating on the doorknob, he squeezes the tiny man's arm lightly before opening the door and walking away.

"Chanyeol!"

He turns around to source of the voice. Kyungsoo is waiting in the doorway, staring at his feet. He walks up to Chanyeol and links his arms around his neck, pressing their lips together softly then deeper and deeper until Chanyeol's arms wrap a little too tightly around his waist and Kyungsoo can almost feel the sobs coming from inside him, threatening to break out.

It's hard to let go, especially when Chanyeol starts nibbling on his bottom lip and Kyungsoo is tangling his fingers in the soft brown locks and they're holding on so tightly to each other that they're forced by their lungs to break apart. They smile at each other shyly, looking down and away from each other but with their arms still snugly holding them together.

Kyungsoo places his hands on either side of Chanyeol's face, tiptoeing to get the closest he can to his face. "I'll call you tomorrow-- today-- later, the moment you vanish from my sight, whenever."

"I'm willing to take a day off for you, two days, an entire week, if you want me to. I just... I really want to spend some time with you. For real. No awkwardness, no hiding. Just us."

Kyungsoo smiles, burying his face in Chanyeol's neck. "You have no idea how long I've waited for this. You have absolutely no idea."

He could hear the deep rumbling of his chuckle vibrating through his chest. "Trust me, I've waited so much longer that you. So, so much longer."

It's not particularly surprising when Kyungsoo wakes up and he realizes that he's been in love with Park Chanyeol for over ten years.

It's definitely not surprising for Chanyeol because he's always known, he's known ever since they first started laughing together, that Do Kyungsoo was one of the people that he simply could not live with without loving as well.

a/n: believe it or not, it took me three weeks to write this.