Need to vent.. ._.
I feel so worn out and knocked down and lonesome and BLECH.. I don't feel good. x_x
I hate these moods, though.. I just feel so listless and unproductive and by Gods, I hate feeling unproductive. Though I know I've accomplished lots, it's just not sinking in. I'm doubting myself again.. I decorated my first wedding cake today at work and while it was elementary, I was beating myself up SO much over it. I was /terrified/ that this woman wouldn't like it (but in fact, she did. Huge relief.)
Some days I just feel like I'm on top of the world, but there's the odd day where I just feel defeated. Having these really early shifts has kinda decimated my social life lately -- not that it's very huge to begin with, but I have a nice cluster of people -- close friends -- with whom I share interests... good enough for me. I haven't been able to spend much time with them lately and God, I miss them.
And while I hate to admit it, sometimes I feel so apart from my boyfriend. Not in a 'be all end all' sort of way but I know we're different. Different in a sense that he's logical and outgoing and I'm artistic and quiet. There are times when I feel he doesn't understand me and I don't get him and man, it drives me wild. Sometimes I wonder if he misses me when we're apart for a few days at a time. We're close but not clingy; we appreciate our space but we communicate too. But sometimes there could be that space in between that can just feel so lonesome.. I hope he thinks of me as I do of him. He's into sports, I'm a bit of a history geek... he's all about the technology and computers and I'm into old architecture and writing out my thoughts while sitting in some abstract places like a beachfront upon a log of driftwood or something. He has this massive circle of friends while I have this close-knit, smaller group. Sometimes we're like night and day and while that's fine, it can be hard at times too. There are many blessings, and the occasional twinge of pain.
But he does treat me very well, and I love to spoil him rotten when I can. I never really ask for much.. I'm not materialistic in any way and the way to my heart is a good hug and some nostalgia.
I accept it all wholly, the great stuff and the difficult times.. but sometimes it can be so lonesome.
Other than that livid ball of angst, I'm trying to keep my chin up. I've prepared a New Year's resolution of completing my license so I can stop floundering along and hanging off of buses. I'm going to go see my brother graduate from a course in the forces, I'm going to look into a possible baking course for sometime in the future... I'm just trying to focus on what things COULD become if I just stop sabotaging myself. None of it is out of reach.. I just have to make myself stop thinking that it is.
I hate these moods, though.. I just feel so listless and unproductive and by Gods, I hate feeling unproductive. Though I know I've accomplished lots, it's just not sinking in. I'm doubting myself again.. I decorated my first wedding cake today at work and while it was elementary, I was beating myself up SO much over it. I was /terrified/ that this woman wouldn't like it (but in fact, she did. Huge relief.)
Some days I just feel like I'm on top of the world, but there's the odd day where I just feel defeated. Having these really early shifts has kinda decimated my social life lately -- not that it's very huge to begin with, but I have a nice cluster of people -- close friends -- with whom I share interests... good enough for me. I haven't been able to spend much time with them lately and God, I miss them.
And while I hate to admit it, sometimes I feel so apart from my boyfriend. Not in a 'be all end all' sort of way but I know we're different. Different in a sense that he's logical and outgoing and I'm artistic and quiet. There are times when I feel he doesn't understand me and I don't get him and man, it drives me wild. Sometimes I wonder if he misses me when we're apart for a few days at a time. We're close but not clingy; we appreciate our space but we communicate too. But sometimes there could be that space in between that can just feel so lonesome.. I hope he thinks of me as I do of him. He's into sports, I'm a bit of a history geek... he's all about the technology and computers and I'm into old architecture and writing out my thoughts while sitting in some abstract places like a beachfront upon a log of driftwood or something. He has this massive circle of friends while I have this close-knit, smaller group. Sometimes we're like night and day and while that's fine, it can be hard at times too. There are many blessings, and the occasional twinge of pain.
But he does treat me very well, and I love to spoil him rotten when I can. I never really ask for much.. I'm not materialistic in any way and the way to my heart is a good hug and some nostalgia.
I accept it all wholly, the great stuff and the difficult times.. but sometimes it can be so lonesome.
Other than that livid ball of angst, I'm trying to keep my chin up. I've prepared a New Year's resolution of completing my license so I can stop floundering along and hanging off of buses. I'm going to go see my brother graduate from a course in the forces, I'm going to look into a possible baking course for sometime in the future... I'm just trying to focus on what things COULD become if I just stop sabotaging myself. None of it is out of reach.. I just have to make myself stop thinking that it is.