The Prince and the Pea(nis)
Title: The Prince and the Pea(nis)
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Author: tvfxq
Rating: PG 13
Genre: Humor
Disclaimer: I don’t own the plot completely. This was inspired by Hans Christian Andersen’s “The Princess and the Pea”; also, the characters are, obviously, not mine.
Length: One-shot
Summary: Yunho was the prince who desperately wanted to find a real, gay prince. Yoochun was the prince’s trusted royal advisor, and also inventor of the world’s first dildo. And Jaejoong was the voluptuous prince from the neighboring kingdom.
a/n.: This is a late birthday fic for ouji ♥
The Prince and the Pea(nis)
~;~
Once upon a time, in a far, far, far away kingdom, lived a proud homosexual prince named Yunho. He had always wanted to marry real, gay prince. He traveled around the whole world (not literally, of course, because if he did, then he would have been married and there would be no story) in search of his real and equally gay prince; but never found him.
There was always something wrong with the so-called gay princes he found. Some were old and creepy, the others were too young and bratty, some were women, and some - for heaven’s sake - weren’t even gay! Besides, something about them practically shouted that they just weren’t real princes.
The Prince, Yunho, returned home dejectedly and wearily with his head down low, for his heart was set on marrying a genuine homosexual prince.
“I don’t get why you can’t just choose a princess, sire.” The royal advisor, Yoochun, spoke as he kept the dejected prince company.
“Preposterous!” Yunho exclaimed, aghast. His face crumpled at just the thought, “Women are persnickety by nature and fuss about things that are not meant to be fussed about.” He grimaced.
Yoochun just nodded, “Of course.”
~;~
One evening, a storm settled upon the kingdom; thunder roared, lightning flashed, the winds howled eerily. Rain fell on the earth by the bucket, and splashed like waves.
The storm never subsided, and just as it raged at its worst, a loud knock could be heard coming from the castle gate.
The prince groaned at the sound, “Uugh… Yoochun, if it’s another beggar, tell them to fuck off and that we’re out of bread. So they’ll stop coming.”
Yoochun nodded and proceeded to open the gates, to tell the poor beggar at the gate to ‘fuck off’. He opened the gates, and expected to see a poor crusty crone or a crotchety codger standing on the other side of the gate, dressed in the stereotypical peasant’s rags, but instead, he saw something else. Standing in front of him was a young man.
Just then the Prince came stomping down impatiently yelling, “Yoochun! How long does it take to tell a measly peasant to fu-oh. Hello.”
“Hi.” The young man in the rain barely spoke, shivering. He was saturated - water streamed down his hair and mud layered his sodden garments; but somehow that just made the man look sexy.
He was the most beautiful creature Yunho had ever set his eyes on - hair as black as the night, skin as pale as snow, and lips ever so plump and cherry red.
Without further hesitation, Yunho let the dripping beauty into his castle.
~;~
“I am Prince Jaejoong, I come from the kingdom next door.” Jaejoong, the once saturated young man, spoke over dinner.
“Wait, there’s a kingdom next door?” Yunho asked, a bit shocked at the fact that he had explored practically all kingdoms, searching for them far and wide; and missed the one right next door.
Jaejoong nodded.
“If you don’t mind me asking,” Yoochun spoke suddenly, “if you came from next door, what are you doing here? Why don’t you just go back?”
Jaejoong opened his mouth to say something, but closed it right after. He tilted his head slightly and pursed his lips, “I actually don’t know. It’s one of those things, I guess, which authors fail to take into consideration.”
Both Yunho and Yoochun nodded.
~;~
“I need to know if he’s a real prince… and gay, too.” Yunho whispered to Yoochun.
Yoochun grinned impishly and replied, “Not to worry, I have prepared in advance or a situation like this.”
“You did?” the prince’s eyes glimmered in excitement, and Yoochun nodded. He led the prince to his bedchamber, where he took out a small box within a box; smiling smugly.
“A box?” Yunho asked rather pejoratively. And Yoochun shook his head.
“Not a box, sire,” he said whilst opening the said object, only to reveal a pink phallic item of some sort. Yunho stared at the penis-looking thing in amusement.
“What is it?”
Yoochun grinned maliciously, handing the object over to the Prince, “I invented it recently, I call it a ‘dildo’!”
“Interesting…” Yunho said, half to himself and half to his royal advisor, scrutinizing the dildo. “Tell me, what does this contraption of yours do?”
“Well,” Yoochun began, taking the dildo away from the curious prince for a moment, “it’s supposed to resemble a penis. If you press this small button right here,” he pointed at a small red button, “it starts to vibrate.”
“Incredible,” Yunho marveled once he saw the dildo vibrate before his very eyes; it was always one of his secret dreams to see an imitation penis vibrating before him. “But I don’t get how this will determine whether he is a real gay prince or not.”
Yoochun grinned once more,
“Trust me, your majesty, I will find out.”
~;~
Before Prince Jaejoong could even enter his room (Yunho made sure to keep him busy), Yoochun surreptitiously hurried into the guestroom and took off all the mattresses off the bed. Then, on the bare bedstead, he placed his dildo.
Atop the dildo he piled twenty mysterious bedclothes, and twenty mysterious eiderdown quilts (they were mysterious because no one, to this day, knew how Yoochun managed to bring 20 mattresses and 20 quilts all at once without being seen).
“Your bed is ready,” Yoochun spoke once he had finished, opening both doors to the guestroom.
“Thank you.” The other prince told both Yunho and Yoochun before entering the room. At first, he wondered how in fuck’s name he was going to climb that monster of a bed, but he managed to anyway.
~;~
The following morning, Yoochun hurried to the guestroom to interrogate the other prince, and asked him how he slept,
“How was your sleep?” he asked, inwardly smirking like a perverted pedophile eyeing a vulnerable little boy.
Prince Jaejoong frowned, “I slept horribly! God knows what was in those mattresses; I couldn’t sleep a wink!”
Since he felt the dildo through all the twenty mattresses and twenty quilts, it was proof. Only a real and gay prince would be so sensitive to a penis under the sheets!
And that’s when all Yoochuny hell broke loose. “HE’S A REAL PRINCE!” he exclaimed, running all around the castle, spreading the good news, “AND HE’S GAY TOO!”
Upon hearing that, Yunho’s eyes burst wide open and he got up in a jolt. He did not care that he was buck naked (because yes, the prince was a free bird during the night), and hurriedly ran to Jaejoong, enveloping him in a tight and arousing embrace,
“I’ve found you,” he said happily, hugging him even tighter, “and now, we are to be wed and we can have legal marital sex.”
Jaejoong tilted his head ever so slightly, “Lots of legal marital sex?”
Yunho nodded, “Lots and lots of legal marital sex.”
The very same day, Yunho married Jaejoong and had lots and lots of legal marital sex. As for the dildo, it was put on exhibition at the royal museum, where one can go and see it; if it actually ever existed, and if it wasn’t stolen by carnal, sex-crazed fiends.
And they all lived happily ever after, Jaejoong miraculously bearing 5 sons and 20 daughters for Yunho (because they did, after all, have lots and lots of legal marital sex); and Yoochun becoming one of the kingdom’s richest men for inventing the dildo.
The end.
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Author: tvfxq
Rating: PG 13
Genre: Humor
Disclaimer: I don’t own the plot completely. This was inspired by Hans Christian Andersen’s “The Princess and the Pea”; also, the characters are, obviously, not mine.
Length: One-shot
Summary: Yunho was the prince who desperately wanted to find a real, gay prince. Yoochun was the prince’s trusted royal advisor, and also inventor of the world’s first dildo. And Jaejoong was the voluptuous prince from the neighboring kingdom.
a/n.: This is a late birthday fic for ouji ♥
The Prince and the Pea(nis)
~;~
Once upon a time, in a far, far, far away kingdom, lived a proud homosexual prince named Yunho. He had always wanted to marry real, gay prince. He traveled around the whole world (not literally, of course, because if he did, then he would have been married and there would be no story) in search of his real and equally gay prince; but never found him.
There was always something wrong with the so-called gay princes he found. Some were old and creepy, the others were too young and bratty, some were women, and some - for heaven’s sake - weren’t even gay! Besides, something about them practically shouted that they just weren’t real princes.
The Prince, Yunho, returned home dejectedly and wearily with his head down low, for his heart was set on marrying a genuine homosexual prince.
“I don’t get why you can’t just choose a princess, sire.” The royal advisor, Yoochun, spoke as he kept the dejected prince company.
“Preposterous!” Yunho exclaimed, aghast. His face crumpled at just the thought, “Women are persnickety by nature and fuss about things that are not meant to be fussed about.” He grimaced.
Yoochun just nodded, “Of course.”
~;~
One evening, a storm settled upon the kingdom; thunder roared, lightning flashed, the winds howled eerily. Rain fell on the earth by the bucket, and splashed like waves.
The storm never subsided, and just as it raged at its worst, a loud knock could be heard coming from the castle gate.
The prince groaned at the sound, “Uugh… Yoochun, if it’s another beggar, tell them to fuck off and that we’re out of bread. So they’ll stop coming.”
Yoochun nodded and proceeded to open the gates, to tell the poor beggar at the gate to ‘fuck off’. He opened the gates, and expected to see a poor crusty crone or a crotchety codger standing on the other side of the gate, dressed in the stereotypical peasant’s rags, but instead, he saw something else. Standing in front of him was a young man.
Just then the Prince came stomping down impatiently yelling, “Yoochun! How long does it take to tell a measly peasant to fu-oh. Hello.”
“Hi.” The young man in the rain barely spoke, shivering. He was saturated - water streamed down his hair and mud layered his sodden garments; but somehow that just made the man look sexy.
He was the most beautiful creature Yunho had ever set his eyes on - hair as black as the night, skin as pale as snow, and lips ever so plump and cherry red.
Without further hesitation, Yunho let the dripping beauty into his castle.
~;~
“I am Prince Jaejoong, I come from the kingdom next door.” Jaejoong, the once saturated young man, spoke over dinner.
“Wait, there’s a kingdom next door?” Yunho asked, a bit shocked at the fact that he had explored practically all kingdoms, searching for them far and wide; and missed the one right next door.
Jaejoong nodded.
“If you don’t mind me asking,” Yoochun spoke suddenly, “if you came from next door, what are you doing here? Why don’t you just go back?”
Jaejoong opened his mouth to say something, but closed it right after. He tilted his head slightly and pursed his lips, “I actually don’t know. It’s one of those things, I guess, which authors fail to take into consideration.”
Both Yunho and Yoochun nodded.
~;~
“I need to know if he’s a real prince… and gay, too.” Yunho whispered to Yoochun.
Yoochun grinned impishly and replied, “Not to worry, I have prepared in advance or a situation like this.”
“You did?” the prince’s eyes glimmered in excitement, and Yoochun nodded. He led the prince to his bedchamber, where he took out a small box within a box; smiling smugly.
“A box?” Yunho asked rather pejoratively. And Yoochun shook his head.
“Not a box, sire,” he said whilst opening the said object, only to reveal a pink phallic item of some sort. Yunho stared at the penis-looking thing in amusement.
“What is it?”
Yoochun grinned maliciously, handing the object over to the Prince, “I invented it recently, I call it a ‘dildo’!”
“Interesting…” Yunho said, half to himself and half to his royal advisor, scrutinizing the dildo. “Tell me, what does this contraption of yours do?”
“Well,” Yoochun began, taking the dildo away from the curious prince for a moment, “it’s supposed to resemble a penis. If you press this small button right here,” he pointed at a small red button, “it starts to vibrate.”
“Incredible,” Yunho marveled once he saw the dildo vibrate before his very eyes; it was always one of his secret dreams to see an imitation penis vibrating before him. “But I don’t get how this will determine whether he is a real gay prince or not.”
Yoochun grinned once more,
“Trust me, your majesty, I will find out.”
~;~
Before Prince Jaejoong could even enter his room (Yunho made sure to keep him busy), Yoochun surreptitiously hurried into the guestroom and took off all the mattresses off the bed. Then, on the bare bedstead, he placed his dildo.
Atop the dildo he piled twenty mysterious bedclothes, and twenty mysterious eiderdown quilts (they were mysterious because no one, to this day, knew how Yoochun managed to bring 20 mattresses and 20 quilts all at once without being seen).
“Your bed is ready,” Yoochun spoke once he had finished, opening both doors to the guestroom.
“Thank you.” The other prince told both Yunho and Yoochun before entering the room. At first, he wondered how in fuck’s name he was going to climb that monster of a bed, but he managed to anyway.
~;~
The following morning, Yoochun hurried to the guestroom to interrogate the other prince, and asked him how he slept,
“How was your sleep?” he asked, inwardly smirking like a perverted pedophile eyeing a vulnerable little boy.
Prince Jaejoong frowned, “I slept horribly! God knows what was in those mattresses; I couldn’t sleep a wink!”
Since he felt the dildo through all the twenty mattresses and twenty quilts, it was proof. Only a real and gay prince would be so sensitive to a penis under the sheets!
And that’s when all Yoochuny hell broke loose. “HE’S A REAL PRINCE!” he exclaimed, running all around the castle, spreading the good news, “AND HE’S GAY TOO!”
Upon hearing that, Yunho’s eyes burst wide open and he got up in a jolt. He did not care that he was buck naked (because yes, the prince was a free bird during the night), and hurriedly ran to Jaejoong, enveloping him in a tight and arousing embrace,
“I’ve found you,” he said happily, hugging him even tighter, “and now, we are to be wed and we can have legal marital sex.”
Jaejoong tilted his head ever so slightly, “Lots of legal marital sex?”
Yunho nodded, “Lots and lots of legal marital sex.”
The very same day, Yunho married Jaejoong and had lots and lots of legal marital sex. As for the dildo, it was put on exhibition at the royal museum, where one can go and see it; if it actually ever existed, and if it wasn’t stolen by carnal, sex-crazed fiends.
And they all lived happily ever after, Jaejoong miraculously bearing 5 sons and 20 daughters for Yunho (because they did, after all, have lots and lots of legal marital sex); and Yoochun becoming one of the kingdom’s richest men for inventing the dildo.
The end.