Never Let Go
Title: Never Let Go
Author: tvfxq
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Romance
Length: One-Shot
Summary: Yun Ho didn’t know it, but Jae Joong’s clock was ticking a lot faster than his.
a/n.: For musik_love :3 This was inspired by Ayumi Hamasaki’s “Blossom”.
Never Let Go
Actually, you had long been crying in your heart, hadn't you?
But you were hiding it, that's why you haven't changed.
You were smiling, just at the moment we could meet, weren't you?
I'm sure it was your sweet lie and pretension to be strong with all your might.
- Blossom; Ayumi Hamasaki
~;~
“It hurts, doesn’t it? The nitroglycerine tablets, the antithyroid drugs… they barely provide you any relief, do they?”
Jae Joong nodded silently.
“It’s occurring too frequently, and without any apparent unusual cause, too. You’re at a critical stage; at this point, if you’re not hospitalized, sedated, and completely isolated from any environmental stress… you’ll die faster. Jae Joong, you have to-“
“But I don’t want to!” Jae Joong interjected, standing up in a jolt, only to regret his actions. Clutching his chest tightly, he slowly sat back down; eyes screwed shut, teeth clenched. “I don’t want to…” he repeated; slowly, softly this time, “If I’m just going to die, then let me spend my last few months on earth outside; like a normal person. I don’t want to be confined in this hospital just so that my life can be extended.”
His gaze met the doctor’s in front of him, and after a long pause, Jae Joong breathed loudly, letting air slowly blow out of his slightly parted lips. “There is so much I want to do. I refuse to be cooped up inside this hospital, attached to several machines and not being able to move freely. I don’t want it.”
“I understand,” Dr. Hwang sighed, his tone half filled with sympathy, and half filled with sadness. Jae Joong had been his first patient and was as old as his career itself. The man was like a son to him, and to see him in such a state crushed him.
“But do know that your actions will lead to major repercussions later on. The compression in your chest and back, the shooting pains in your arms and the difficulty breathing whenever you move or engage in any physical activity will heighten and increase tenfold.” He paused to remove the pair of glasses that sat atop the bridge of his nose and continued, his voice more worried than he would have liked, “You will have six months left to live; twelve at the very most. Are you sure that you…?”
Jae Joong nodded; his resolve firm. “I’m sure.”
Dr. Hwang sighed one last time and smiled a wan smile directed at no one other than Jae Joong. All the worry and melancholy could be seen clearly in his tired eyes that seemed to have witnessed too much of everything. “Alright. I can’t do anything without your concession, after all.”
As Jae Joong replayed the scene in his head, while slowly, very slowly, walking down the hallways of the hospital, he could not help but wonder if he had made the right decision; chose the right pathway. Screwing his eyes shut momentarily as sharp pains shot through his arms, and as his chest seemed to have been compressed by two invisible, closing walls, he stopped in his tracks. When he opened his eyes he watched as elderly men and women were pushed around in their wheelchairs by their grandchildren.
He watched as mothers and fathers held their children’s hands as they walked in and out the hospital together, silent but with comforting smiles. He watched as couples took care of one another, worrying for the other’s wellbeing, asking what the doctor had said.
Jae Joong sighed. Even just for a while, I want to experience love before I die he thought to himself. His heart constricted painfully in his chest, and it was not because of the disease he had been plagued with, but because of the painful sense of longing he felt. The longing to love and to be loved.
He let out another heavy sigh and continued to walk, slowly, very slowly with his hand clenched tightly on his chest. Just as he had neared the exit, he felt somebody shove past him; hitting his left shoulder squarely. The impact was so sudden and so rough that Jae Joong fell to his feet, groaning in not only the agony of his collision with the floor, but also in the agony of his chest tightening and his arms throbbing with much more intensity than that of earlier.
“I’m so sorry!” the one who had knocked him off his feet apologized as soon as he realized that he had caused him to fall. Helping Jae Joong up gently, he apologized once more, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to shove past you like that. I wanted to catch the cab that had been waiting by the entrance. I guess I wasn’t-Jae Joong?”
Upon hearing his name, Jae Joong’s head immediately shot up and his eyes met with the other male’s. His eyes dilated and his jaw slightly dropped, “Yun Ho?”
“It really is you.” Yun Ho smiled, helping Jae Joong regain his balance.
“I thought you moved to Japan years ago. What are you…?”
“Well I came back, obviously.” He laughed. His laugh never changed, Jae Joong noted. “I returned a few months ago, I’m staying here for good.”
“That’s nice to know.” Jae Joong smiled, and for a moment they just stood still; captivated by each other’s stare. Only when he became aware of how long he had been staring did Jae Joong clear his throat and turn to look away, “Well it was nice seeing you again. You’d best be on your way, seeing as you were so eager to catch the cab earlier and all.”
“I’m in no hurry,” Yun Ho shook his head, “would you like to join me for some coffee? Maybe catch up on each other a little? It’s all on me; since I knocked you down just now.”
Jae Joong laughed softly and nodded his head. Forget the pain for a while; ignore the tightening. Fate has decided to be kind.
~;~
Jung Yun Ho had played a big role in Jae Joong’s life growing up. He had served as Jae Joong’s best friend, his brother maybe, but his first love for sure. The two were inseparable, and Jae Joong was sure that one day he’d be able to confess his feelings to Yun Ho and still remain as close as ever.
But that day never came.
One midsummer’s day, Yun Ho had broke the news of his migration to Jae Joong, and the latter’s heart had been torn to shreds ever since. They hadn’t communicated after Yun Ho had moved to Japan; they hadn’t spoken to and of each other.
But due to an incredible twist of fate, Yun Ho had returned and had bumped into Jae Joong; and now they were sharing coffee in a café downtown, chatting away as if the past hadn’t happened. Neither of them expected to see each other again. Neither of them was complaining.
“I never knew you’d change so much,” Yun Ho said with a small laugh before taking a small sip of his coffee, “You’re a lot more …”
“I know I changed…” Jae Joong mumbled, head turning slightly sideways, eyes downcast. He gripped the mug of coffee in his hands tighter, letting the heat transfer to his cold hands. He knew he had changed. Ever since he had fallen ill he-
“Beautiful.”
Jae Joong lifted his eyes off the dark liquid in his mug and fixated his eyes on Yun Ho. He did not notice how a blush slowly made its way to his cheeks and how it burned his face and his ears afterward. He opened his mouth to say something, but only a strangled yelp came out and Yun Ho chuckled.
“I’m guessing you don’t hear that often, then.”
Jae Joong shook his head, “It’s because I don’t go out much… though I’d like to.”
“Why don’t you, then?” Yun Ho suggested, a soft smile on his lips as he reached over to slightly caress Jae Joong’s hand. “Life is too short to be taken for granted. Don’t let opportunities slip too often, or else you’ll end up regretting many things.”
“Mm…” Jae Joong nodded, eyes fixated on the hand on top of his. He knew. He knew it all too well. “I will, though… one of these days.”
“You will for sure. I’ll go with you.” Yun Ho smiled, and Jae Joong flushed. They began to drink again after, and Yun Ho took hold of most of the conversation. The stories Yun Ho began to share were stories of his life growing up in Japan, their different customs and traditions, as well as the similarities the country shared with Korea. Jae Joong couldn’t help but smile seeing Yun Ho talk so animatedly. He couldn’t remember the last time they had had a conversation much similar to the one they were having.
“Ah, you never told me what you were doing in the hospital, by the way.” Yun Ho said all of a sudden, remembering how they had met again in the first place. “Were you there for a checkup?”
“You… you could say that.” Jae Joong nodded. He wasn’t lying completely. He was just leaving out details, and as far as anybody was concerned, Jae Joong wasn’t letting anyone in on the secret he shared with his doctor. He didn’t want anyone to be concerned, to worry over him. It was an attitude he had developed as a child and had never outgrown. “What about you?”
“Same.” Yun Ho pursed his lips slightly, nodding his head. “And how are your parents? Are they well?”
Jae Joong shook his head, “They’re not here, Yun Ho. Mom died shortly after you left for Japan…” And that’s when everything started going wrong, he couldn’t help but think, “And dad… he passed away just last year.”
Yun Ho’s eyebrows then creased upward, while his lips curved downward. “I’m sorry, Jae Joong. I had no idea that-“
“It’s fine.” Jae Joong insisted. He began to stare at his mug of coffee, which he had just noticed was already empty. After a long moment of silence, he finally looked up and sent Yun Ho a weak, but warm smile, “Don’t feel sorry for me.”
They had exchanged numbers after their coffee, and Jae Joong was sent home by Yun Ho in a cab. All the while, Jae Joong could not contain the little happiness he felt - for a moment he forgot the shooting pains and the tight compressions. He could not help but think to himself that maybe, just maybe his prayers hadn’t fallen on deaf ears. Maybe, just maybe fate had been listening to him and sent him Yun Ho.
Maybe, just maybe he was beginning to fall in love all over again.
~;~
April was always the best month to see and admire Seoul’s famous cherry blossom trees in full bloom at Yeouido Park.
It was true, the subway ride to Yunjunro Street had fallen nothing short of agonizing, but Jae Joong knew that it would probably be the last time he’d be able to see the beauty of spring and the trees that stretched out on the streets.
Everything was worth it. He thought silently to himself. Everything.
He walked as slowly as he could, for he knew that too much physical exertion could only lead to more tightening and compressing. As he did, Jae Joong did not fail to admire the beauty of the trees filled with nothing but light pink that swayed above him, and the clouds that hovered over; looking like messy scoops of vanilla ice cream strewn across a sea of light blue.
Jae Joong watched as a few flowers fell off its branches and landed gently on the grass. With a soft smile, he slowly hunkered down onto his knees and picked up one of the flowers that had fallen astray, letting it rest in his hands. He closed his eyes and brought his hands to his chest, breathing slowly. If only I could share this moment with somebody… if only I could share this moment with-
“Jae Joong!”
Jae Joong’s eyes slowly flew open and he turned his head to the side, a bit surprised but delighted nonetheless to see Yun Ho approaching him with a wide smile on his lips. His smile was wonderful; so bright that it could outshine all the beautiful stars at night.
“Jae Joong, I didn’t know you’d be here,” he said, outstretching a hand to help Jae Joong stand up from his hunkered down position. Jae Joong accepted his hand, inwardly wincing at the sudden pain in his chest.
“I wanted to see Yeouido, and the cherry blossoms…” Jae Joong replied softly, gazing at the lone flower in his hand. “And the Han River’s just nearby. I figured today would be a nice day to go out.”
“Well, you figured right.” Yun Ho chuckled, nodding. Taking hold of Jae Joong’s delicate hands, he began leading Jae Joong elsewhere. They were running after, practically, and that was when the slightly elder of the two began to protest; suddenly stopping in his tracks. Yun Ho regarded him with a bemused expression, wondering if the other didn’t want to go anywhere with him. “What’s wrong? Don’t you want to be with me…?”
“That’s not it.” Jae Joong shook his head, eyes closed as he struggled to breathe. One hand rested on his knees, while the other clutched his chest firmly - it was an attempt to alleviate the sudden pressure. “I’m… I’m just tired…”
Immediately, Yun Ho rushed over to his side; holding onto his shoulders, “Rest,” he said as he led Jae Joong to a nearby bench. By the time they had sat down, Jae Joong was a panting mess. He gasped for breath but hardly drew any. His vision grew blurry and dark from the lack of oxygen, and had it not been for Yun Ho’s soothing pats on his back and the lack of physical exertion, most likely, Jae Joong would have passed out.
“What just happened?” Yun Ho asked when Jae Joong had calmed down; still patting the latter’s back gently, running his hand up and down his spine.
“Heartburn” Jae Joong immediately answered; a blatant lie. Yun Ho never bought it. Heartburn would result in uncomfortable and tight chest pains, true, but would not lead to difficulty in breathing and would not subside by merely resting. What Jae Joong had, he knew, was no mere heartburn.
“Jae Joong, that’s not-“
“Forget about it; I’m fine.” He insisted, slowly turning to face Yun Ho; meeting the latter’s gaze. With a small smile he repeated slowly the words he had just said, “I’m fine.”
“If… if you insist…” Yun Ho sighed, ignoring the chord of doubt in him, and rested his elbows on his thighs, hands coming together. Silence ensued between the two of them for a moment, and he took that opportunity to watch the couples that passed by on rented bicycles; envying them, but not quite. After a while he turned to face Jae Joong, who stared back at him with wide eyes, almost as if what had happened earlier didn’t even happen at all.
“Can I have that?” he asked, pointing to the delicate pink flower that lay idly in the palm of Jae Joong’s hand. “It’s beautiful, just like you. If I have it, I’ll be reminded of this moment we’re sharing.”
“O… okay.” Jae Joong stuttered gauchely, lifting the flower off his one hand and giving it to Yun Ho with the other.
A smile inundated Yun Ho’s face as he received the little cherry blossom. He held it gently and caressed it lightly in his hands before he turned to face Jae Joong once more, “It’s just a flower that had drifted away in the wind… there’s nothing special about it, and it’s not even that big. But I’ll cherish it anyway, because you found it.”
Those words sent Jae Joong’s heart aflutter; a wonderful relief from all the usual pains. Before he could even figure out what he was doing, he found himself leaning closer to Yun Ho and resting his head on the latter’s shoulder; and maybe he was just imagining it, but he swore he felt Yun Ho lean his head against his.
~;~
It could have been a coincidence, it could have been luck. It could have been an accident, or it could have been fate. Whichever it was, Jae Joong was grateful, for he had been bumping into Yun Ho for the past month; almost as if they had been destined to meet each time.
He could not deny the feelings he had whenever he was around Yun Ho; whenever they would touch. He could not help but get lost in that smile, and drown in those brown orbs which had as much depth as the sea. It was just like before, only better this time.
They had decided to meet this time, in the same park they had met a month earlier, figuring they had bumped into each other enough to finally meet on their own. The trip there was short and only took one subway ride, yet was still nothing but insufferable for Jae Joong, as the compressions, the tightening, the shooting and the palpitating seemed to have intensified by the day. But he had learned to tolerate it, or at least, smile when Yun Ho arrived. He had learned to ignore the pain even just for a while.
“Yun Ho,” he uttered once the aforementioned male had drawn closer to him, standing up as slowly and as naturally as he could from the bench he had been sitting on. “You’re here.”
“Of course I’d be here; I was the one who asked you to come here in the first place.” Yun Ho laughed, taking hold of Jae Joong’s hand as they both sat down on the wooden bench. The streets were pink already, paved with fallen flowers that had drifted away in the wind.
“I’m glad you did. I would never have found the courage to ask you to meet me myself.” Jae Joong admitted, eyes downcast and fixated on the hand that held his tightly yet softly.
“Still as shy as ever,” Yun Ho said, while pinching the bridge of Jae Joong’s nose, “but I find that quite lovable in a person.”
Jae Joong blushed and never averted his gaze from Yun Ho’s hand on his. It made him wonder if Yun Ho loved to flatter everyone, or if he was just special. His heart beat faster at the thought. “Um… so was there any particular reason you wanted to see me?” he asked, finally finding the courage to tear his eyes away from their hands and fixate them on Yun Ho, “Is there anything you need, perhaps? My assistance, advice, or maybe-“
Before Jae Joong could get another word out, Yun Ho leaned in and pressed his lips against the other’s. It lasted barely two seconds before he drew back. “I wanted to see you so I could do that. Also to tell you that I really, really like you. That I’m possibly in love with you and that I want to see you every day, and hear your voice all the time.”
Jae Joong licked his lower lip and uttered nothing. He was sure that his face was beet red, or possibly even redder. His heart was beating faster than he could have ever thought was possible, and he found it difficult to look Yun Ho in the eye after what had happened.
He was happy, no, ecstatic. Possibly even in a state of euphoria when he had heard Yun Ho confess the words he had always longed to hear; but he was too shy to respond. But more than shy, he was scared - his life was ending soon, and he feared that if he told Yun Ho about his condition, the latter would worry and maybe even (and he really wished he wouldn’t) leave him.
“I always thought you liked me back…” Yun Ho began when Jae Joong said nothing, trailing off for a moment, “You do, don’t you? Or did I just… did I just ruin our friendship…?”
“You didn’t.” Jae Joong finally spoke, shaking his head, instilling all the courage he had in him into his words, “I… I really like you, too.” He mumbled, unsure if Yun Ho could hear him. But when he was all of a sudden enveloped in a tight embrace, he was certain that his words did not come unheard.
“Then say you’ll be with me. Say we can be together.” He heard Yun Ho mumble into the hollow of his neck, his breath tickling the sensitive skin ever so slightly. Jae Joong smiled and leaned his head closer to Yun Ho, getting a whiff of the other’s scent, which smelt like a splice of vanilla and coffee.
Jae Joong slowly wrapped his arms around Yun Ho, forgetting the rest of the world and all the thoughts that plagued his mind momentarily. All he could think of at that moment was Yun Ho, and how happy he had made him feel.
“Yes.” He said, “I’d like that.”
~;~
“It’s wonderful up here, isn’t it?” Yun Ho asked Jae Joong, wrapping an arm around the latter’s shoulder, bringing their bodies closer together.
“Yes.” Jae Joong nodded in response, slumping into Yun Ho’s hold. The Namsan Tower was beautiful - the padlocks filled with declarations of love, the cable carts, and the incredible overview of the city of Seoul were only some of the reasons why this was so. To be there with Yun Ho, to be anywhere with Yun Ho made Jae Joong’s heart smile. “Thank you for taking me here.”
“Don’t thank me, I’m not doing this as a favor, but because I want to.” Yun Ho told him as they neared the wide expanse of heart-shaped padlocks filled with short but endearing messages to their loved ones. “Can I write one for you?”
“You shouldn’t have to ask me,” Jae Joong chuckled lightly and took hold of Yun Ho’s hand, “do you think that I’d say no?”
“I guess not.” Yun Ho smiled sheepishly, letting go of Jae Joong’s hand for a while. He dug his hand into his pocket, fumbling with whatever it was that was inside until he took out a small padlock. Scribbled on it were words messily written in permanent marker, and Jae Joong blushed at the sight of it.
“You already wrote on it?” Jae Joong chortled, reaching for the padlock and holding it in his hands. It made him smile.
재중아, 우리 재중아… 나는 달 까지 갔다가, 다시 돌아오는만큼 너를 사랑한데요.
Jae Joong, my Jae Joong… I love you right up to the moon - and back.
“I couldn’t fit in more words.” Yun Ho admitted shyly, “I guess the padlock was too small… or my handwriting’s too big…”
“It doesn’t matter; I love it…” Jae Joong shook his head, holding onto the little padlock a little bit tighter, bringing it closer to him, “I love you.”
Yun Ho smiled. “I’ll go hang it with the others.” Taking back the padlock that Jae Joong held, he motioned towards the array of padlocks, where he could place his.
All the while Jae Joong watched as Yun Ho struggled to find space to place his. It was an adorable sight to see, and just as he was about to walk over to Yun Ho and help him find a decent and vacant space, his chest abruptly compressed. He stopped in his tracks to cringe.
Why all of a sudden?
It was a lot tighter than it ever was before, like the entire world suddenly began to press down on his chest. He could barely breathe; as if something was pushing down on him so hard that air could not pass. It was a lot more painful, too, like he was being stabbed in the process of getting crushed.
Jae Joong couldn’t remember much after that. All he could recall was himself losing balance and the blurry sight of Yun Ho rushing to him, calling out his name repeatedly like a mantra, before everything blacked out.
~;~
Angina Pectoris - a disease characterized by a distinctive tightness, or a compression in the chest, front or back. All along Jae Joong had been suffering from it, but Yun Ho never knew.
He never knew how Jae Joong had developed the disease briefly after he had moved to Japan. He never knew how Jae Joong’s mother had fallen ill trying to take care of him; how after she had died, he never let anyone know how he felt. He never knew how he had made his father believe that he was alright, that the pain was gone and that the nitroglycerine tablets and the antithyroid drugs worked - even though they barely helped. He never knew that he had been suffering it, enduring it all this time; blocking the pain out as much as possible until the disease reached a critical state. He never knew that Jae Joong was dying.
But he knew now. He knew, and he felt guilt rising to the surface.
The sight of Jae Joong before him was one he that made his heart ache terribly in his chest. There were various monitors attached to his body, some regulating his heartbeat and others probably helping him breathe, due to the fact that he was unable to just a few hours back.
Perhaps if he hadn’t ignored the string of doubt he had in him the first time he witnessed Jae Joong struggling to breathe, he could have prevented this from happening somehow.
Yun Ho swallowed the myriad of emotions he felt and sat down on the chair next to the bed and beeping machines, holding onto Jae Joong’s hand. It was not long before the pale man on the bed slowly fluttered his eyes open, taking in his surroundings for a moment before swiftly turning to face Yun Ho with a mortified look in his eyes.
Despite his inner turmoil, Yun Ho appeared to be calm and stroked Jae Joong’s hand gently in an attempt to calm the other down.
“You know now… don’t you?” Jae Joong whispered, face turned away and eyes fixated on the floor. He could not possibly look at Yun Ho now; not when the latter knew.
“Dr. Hwang filled me in.” Came Yun Ho’s reply. “Why… why didn’t you tell me?”
For a moment Jae Joong refused to say anything, he just wanted to disappear; wanted the bed to turn into a vortex of nothingness and suck him into oblivion. That precise moment was what he had feared the most; he never wanted Yun Ho to find out - not like this, at least.
“I never wanted you to know.” Jae Joong finally spoke, instilling every last drop of courage he had in his body into his words, and into his voice. “I didn’t want you to worry - I never wanted you to worry. I didn’t want to spoil your happiness by telling you of my disease, by burdening you with my problems.”
“I don’t know why you think that way,” Yun Ho said, reaching out to clutch the other’s chin and turn his head so that they were facing each other. “If you're hurting then I have to be hurting with you. Jae Joong, if I were hurting, would you just be whistling around and pretending not to know? You should have told me, so that I would have done something and-“
“But what could you have done?!” Jae Joong yelled out in frustration, tears abruptly streaming down his face. He had been holding them in for too long a time. “Could you be sick in my place, would you be able to do that?”
Yun Ho cupped either side of Jae Joong’s face and wiped away the tears. He knew that random spouts of anxiety were an effect of angina pectoris; he understood. “If it were possible, you know I would,” he said, “I know you know that.”
Jae Joong closed his eyes, a fresh stream of tears running down his cheeks, “…I thought you’d leave me if you knew. I thought you’d stop loving me.” His voice was a lot softer now, albeit shaky; and the words that had left his mouth were enough to make Yun Ho’s heart constrict in his chest.
Yun Ho pulled Jae Joong gently into an embrace and held him tightly, whispering into his ear as he spoke, “Love... it's not just the churning in your stomach or the rapid beating of your heart upon seeing, upon being with someone. It's just not that feeling you get when you want so bad to be with someone; when you forget about everything and just see that one person. Real love is an act of the will. It's choosing to be with somebody no matter how bad things get. It's not giving into the temptation of leaving when you think things are going down. It's staying even when you don't get butterflies anymore. It's choosing to stay and to continue to care for a person despite anything and everything.” He drew away slightly so that he could look into Jae Joong’s teary eyes,
“That's what real love is. I will stick by you no matter what happens, because I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Jae Joong said, burying his face into Yun Ho’s neck. “I’m sorry this had to happen.”
Yun Ho stroked Jae Joong’s hair gently and hushed him; embracing him tighter in his arms, “It’s not your fault,” he said, “It’s not your fault.”
~;~
“I’m not staying here.”
“Jae Joong, you already know what can and will happen to you if you continue to stay outside.” Dr. Hwang said, he sighed heavily before he continued “I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but your condition is… at its worst. At this point, you don’t even need to exert yourself to feel the compressions in your chest and the shooting in your arms.”
“But we already had this conversation!” Jae Joong yelled out, cringing suddenly when he felt his chest tighten. Yun Ho quickly held him tight. He could not deny it - his condition was getting worse. “I don’t want to be here. I want to be outside.”
Dr. Hwang maneuvered himself closer to the bed where Jae Joong lay. He placed a hand gently atop Jae Joong’s shoulder before letting out another sigh, “You are in no condition to be outside. Please, rethink your decision; you might collapse again.” he tried, but after receiving no reaction from Jae Joong, he turned to Yun Ho, eyes pleading him to convince the other to receive treatment in the hospital.
Yun Ho nodded once, understanding the doctor’s plea and turned to face Jae Joong. “At least stay here for a month. If nothing changes, then you don’t have to come back.” He told the other male, peering into his eyes with a soul-searching look. “Please. I don’t want to lose you.”
“All I want is to be with you…” Jae Joong whispered audibly, closing his eyes in an attempt to block out the tears that were threatening to fall.
“You will be. I’ll never leave your side.”
“But by doing that, I’ll just ruin your life-“
“That’s not true.” Yun Ho quickly interrupted, shaking his head. “Being away from you is what will ruin my life. If being with you means that I’ll have to live in this hospital for a month, then so be it.”
It took a while for Jae Joong to respond and finally give out a decision. In the end he nodded silently.
~;~
“I don’t know how you can want to be with someone like me…” Jae Joong said one day as he eyed Yun Ho, who was standing by the window in the room they were in, looking outside. He had meant for those words to go unspoken, a mere thought in his head; but somehow they managed to escape before he could do anything about it.
Yun Ho immediately turned his head and met gazes with Jae Joong. He meandered over to the latter and sat down on the chair by his bed, never failing to take hold of the other’s hand, “Why wouldn’t I want to be with you? You’re amazing and I love you.”
“But I’m also dying.” Jae Joong couldn’t help but say. He let out an exasperated sigh a little while after and lowered his head, “I’m sorry. I should stop being like this…”
Yun Ho smiled wanly and used his other hand to cup one side of Jae Joong’s cheek, letting his thumb move around in small yet comforting circles, “You’re not going to die. No matter what anybody says, we’re going to prove them wrong. You’ll get better; I promise.”
“What if you can’t keep your promise, what’ll you do then?”
Yun Ho took a moment to chuckle lightly before he leaned into Jae Joong and let their lips meet in a soft, chaste kiss. When he pulled away he gazed directly and solemnly into Jae Joong’s eyes, “Nothing. Because that’s not going to happen.”
“I have ten months left, at the very most.” Jae Joong said.
“Enough time for you to get better.”
~;~
It was spring of the following year when Yun Ho found himself sitting alone on a bench under one of the many cherry blossom trees in Yeouido Park. He gazed at the fallen flowers by his feet, smiling as he remembered how it was around that same time of the year when he had seen Jae Joong hunkered down onto his knees with a lone flower in his hand. He bent forward and picked up a flower, staring at it as a smile inundated his face.
It reminded him so much of Jae Joong.
Yun Ho continued to gaze at it, remembering the previous year, when all of a sudden a hand from behind blocked his vision by covering his eyes. He laughed and took hold of the hand, turning around to see who it was behind him. His smile grew wider.
“I’m sorry I’m late.”
Jae Joong.
“I forgot that I had urgent errands to run.”
“It’s all right. You’re here now; that’s all that matters.” Came Yun Ho’s reply. Seeing Jae Joong never failed to put a smile on his face; especially now that he was much healthier than before.
All the doctors were sure he was going to die, what with the criticality of his illness; but Jae Joong somehow managed to make a miraculous recovery. The chest pains decreased rapidly until it soon enough became a rarity for them to appear. It was a relief knowing that all the silent prayers he made at night as he watched the love of his life fall to sleep hadn’t fallen on deaf ears; that the two of them were given a chance to love each other longer.
“What are you smiling at?” Jae Joong’s words were enough to interrupt Yun Ho’s train of thought; and had it not been for them, he wouldn’t have known that he had been all the while smiling.
“You.” He momentarily turned his attention to the little flower in his hand, before bringing that same hand over to Jae Joong, “Here, take it.”
“A cherry blossom.” Jae Joong stated as he picked up the flower from the palm of Yun Ho’s hand.
“I took yours last time so that I could be reminded of you. Take mine this time so you’ll be reminded of me.” Yun Ho told him, and received a blush and a nudge in return.
“You never stopped being cheesy.”
“You never stopped liking it.” Yun Ho retorted playfully, poking the other’s cheek. He leaned against Jae Joong’s shoulder shortly after and closed his eyes; letting the gentle breeze that passed by ruffle his hair as he thought of many things.
Jae Joong’s disease had been a huge obstacle they had overcome together, but had it not been for that hurdle, they probably wouldn’t have been where they were. They probably would not have met. They probably would have been puzzles desperate to find their missing piece, but to no avail.
He had so many to be grateful for.
“Jae Joong,” Yun Ho spoke all of a sudden; breaking the peaceful silence that ensued upon them earlier.
“Hmm?”
“I love you right up to the moon - and back.”
Jae Joong chuckled and leaned his head against Yun Ho’s. With a smile he replied, “So do I.”
Word count: 6,094
Author: tvfxq
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, Romance
Length: One-Shot
Summary: Yun Ho didn’t know it, but Jae Joong’s clock was ticking a lot faster than his.
a/n.: For musik_love :3 This was inspired by Ayumi Hamasaki’s “Blossom”.
Never Let Go
Actually, you had long been crying in your heart, hadn't you?
But you were hiding it, that's why you haven't changed.
You were smiling, just at the moment we could meet, weren't you?
I'm sure it was your sweet lie and pretension to be strong with all your might.
- Blossom; Ayumi Hamasaki
~;~
“It hurts, doesn’t it? The nitroglycerine tablets, the antithyroid drugs… they barely provide you any relief, do they?”
Jae Joong nodded silently.
“It’s occurring too frequently, and without any apparent unusual cause, too. You’re at a critical stage; at this point, if you’re not hospitalized, sedated, and completely isolated from any environmental stress… you’ll die faster. Jae Joong, you have to-“
“But I don’t want to!” Jae Joong interjected, standing up in a jolt, only to regret his actions. Clutching his chest tightly, he slowly sat back down; eyes screwed shut, teeth clenched. “I don’t want to…” he repeated; slowly, softly this time, “If I’m just going to die, then let me spend my last few months on earth outside; like a normal person. I don’t want to be confined in this hospital just so that my life can be extended.”
His gaze met the doctor’s in front of him, and after a long pause, Jae Joong breathed loudly, letting air slowly blow out of his slightly parted lips. “There is so much I want to do. I refuse to be cooped up inside this hospital, attached to several machines and not being able to move freely. I don’t want it.”
“I understand,” Dr. Hwang sighed, his tone half filled with sympathy, and half filled with sadness. Jae Joong had been his first patient and was as old as his career itself. The man was like a son to him, and to see him in such a state crushed him.
“But do know that your actions will lead to major repercussions later on. The compression in your chest and back, the shooting pains in your arms and the difficulty breathing whenever you move or engage in any physical activity will heighten and increase tenfold.” He paused to remove the pair of glasses that sat atop the bridge of his nose and continued, his voice more worried than he would have liked, “You will have six months left to live; twelve at the very most. Are you sure that you…?”
Jae Joong nodded; his resolve firm. “I’m sure.”
Dr. Hwang sighed one last time and smiled a wan smile directed at no one other than Jae Joong. All the worry and melancholy could be seen clearly in his tired eyes that seemed to have witnessed too much of everything. “Alright. I can’t do anything without your concession, after all.”
As Jae Joong replayed the scene in his head, while slowly, very slowly, walking down the hallways of the hospital, he could not help but wonder if he had made the right decision; chose the right pathway. Screwing his eyes shut momentarily as sharp pains shot through his arms, and as his chest seemed to have been compressed by two invisible, closing walls, he stopped in his tracks. When he opened his eyes he watched as elderly men and women were pushed around in their wheelchairs by their grandchildren.
He watched as mothers and fathers held their children’s hands as they walked in and out the hospital together, silent but with comforting smiles. He watched as couples took care of one another, worrying for the other’s wellbeing, asking what the doctor had said.
Jae Joong sighed. Even just for a while, I want to experience love before I die he thought to himself. His heart constricted painfully in his chest, and it was not because of the disease he had been plagued with, but because of the painful sense of longing he felt. The longing to love and to be loved.
He let out another heavy sigh and continued to walk, slowly, very slowly with his hand clenched tightly on his chest. Just as he had neared the exit, he felt somebody shove past him; hitting his left shoulder squarely. The impact was so sudden and so rough that Jae Joong fell to his feet, groaning in not only the agony of his collision with the floor, but also in the agony of his chest tightening and his arms throbbing with much more intensity than that of earlier.
“I’m so sorry!” the one who had knocked him off his feet apologized as soon as he realized that he had caused him to fall. Helping Jae Joong up gently, he apologized once more, “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to shove past you like that. I wanted to catch the cab that had been waiting by the entrance. I guess I wasn’t-Jae Joong?”
Upon hearing his name, Jae Joong’s head immediately shot up and his eyes met with the other male’s. His eyes dilated and his jaw slightly dropped, “Yun Ho?”
“It really is you.” Yun Ho smiled, helping Jae Joong regain his balance.
“I thought you moved to Japan years ago. What are you…?”
“Well I came back, obviously.” He laughed. His laugh never changed, Jae Joong noted. “I returned a few months ago, I’m staying here for good.”
“That’s nice to know.” Jae Joong smiled, and for a moment they just stood still; captivated by each other’s stare. Only when he became aware of how long he had been staring did Jae Joong clear his throat and turn to look away, “Well it was nice seeing you again. You’d best be on your way, seeing as you were so eager to catch the cab earlier and all.”
“I’m in no hurry,” Yun Ho shook his head, “would you like to join me for some coffee? Maybe catch up on each other a little? It’s all on me; since I knocked you down just now.”
Jae Joong laughed softly and nodded his head. Forget the pain for a while; ignore the tightening. Fate has decided to be kind.
~;~
Jung Yun Ho had played a big role in Jae Joong’s life growing up. He had served as Jae Joong’s best friend, his brother maybe, but his first love for sure. The two were inseparable, and Jae Joong was sure that one day he’d be able to confess his feelings to Yun Ho and still remain as close as ever.
But that day never came.
One midsummer’s day, Yun Ho had broke the news of his migration to Jae Joong, and the latter’s heart had been torn to shreds ever since. They hadn’t communicated after Yun Ho had moved to Japan; they hadn’t spoken to and of each other.
But due to an incredible twist of fate, Yun Ho had returned and had bumped into Jae Joong; and now they were sharing coffee in a café downtown, chatting away as if the past hadn’t happened. Neither of them expected to see each other again. Neither of them was complaining.
“I never knew you’d change so much,” Yun Ho said with a small laugh before taking a small sip of his coffee, “You’re a lot more …”
“I know I changed…” Jae Joong mumbled, head turning slightly sideways, eyes downcast. He gripped the mug of coffee in his hands tighter, letting the heat transfer to his cold hands. He knew he had changed. Ever since he had fallen ill he-
“Beautiful.”
Jae Joong lifted his eyes off the dark liquid in his mug and fixated his eyes on Yun Ho. He did not notice how a blush slowly made its way to his cheeks and how it burned his face and his ears afterward. He opened his mouth to say something, but only a strangled yelp came out and Yun Ho chuckled.
“I’m guessing you don’t hear that often, then.”
Jae Joong shook his head, “It’s because I don’t go out much… though I’d like to.”
“Why don’t you, then?” Yun Ho suggested, a soft smile on his lips as he reached over to slightly caress Jae Joong’s hand. “Life is too short to be taken for granted. Don’t let opportunities slip too often, or else you’ll end up regretting many things.”
“Mm…” Jae Joong nodded, eyes fixated on the hand on top of his. He knew. He knew it all too well. “I will, though… one of these days.”
“You will for sure. I’ll go with you.” Yun Ho smiled, and Jae Joong flushed. They began to drink again after, and Yun Ho took hold of most of the conversation. The stories Yun Ho began to share were stories of his life growing up in Japan, their different customs and traditions, as well as the similarities the country shared with Korea. Jae Joong couldn’t help but smile seeing Yun Ho talk so animatedly. He couldn’t remember the last time they had had a conversation much similar to the one they were having.
“Ah, you never told me what you were doing in the hospital, by the way.” Yun Ho said all of a sudden, remembering how they had met again in the first place. “Were you there for a checkup?”
“You… you could say that.” Jae Joong nodded. He wasn’t lying completely. He was just leaving out details, and as far as anybody was concerned, Jae Joong wasn’t letting anyone in on the secret he shared with his doctor. He didn’t want anyone to be concerned, to worry over him. It was an attitude he had developed as a child and had never outgrown. “What about you?”
“Same.” Yun Ho pursed his lips slightly, nodding his head. “And how are your parents? Are they well?”
Jae Joong shook his head, “They’re not here, Yun Ho. Mom died shortly after you left for Japan…” And that’s when everything started going wrong, he couldn’t help but think, “And dad… he passed away just last year.”
Yun Ho’s eyebrows then creased upward, while his lips curved downward. “I’m sorry, Jae Joong. I had no idea that-“
“It’s fine.” Jae Joong insisted. He began to stare at his mug of coffee, which he had just noticed was already empty. After a long moment of silence, he finally looked up and sent Yun Ho a weak, but warm smile, “Don’t feel sorry for me.”
They had exchanged numbers after their coffee, and Jae Joong was sent home by Yun Ho in a cab. All the while, Jae Joong could not contain the little happiness he felt - for a moment he forgot the shooting pains and the tight compressions. He could not help but think to himself that maybe, just maybe his prayers hadn’t fallen on deaf ears. Maybe, just maybe fate had been listening to him and sent him Yun Ho.
Maybe, just maybe he was beginning to fall in love all over again.
~;~
April was always the best month to see and admire Seoul’s famous cherry blossom trees in full bloom at Yeouido Park.
It was true, the subway ride to Yunjunro Street had fallen nothing short of agonizing, but Jae Joong knew that it would probably be the last time he’d be able to see the beauty of spring and the trees that stretched out on the streets.
Everything was worth it. He thought silently to himself. Everything.
He walked as slowly as he could, for he knew that too much physical exertion could only lead to more tightening and compressing. As he did, Jae Joong did not fail to admire the beauty of the trees filled with nothing but light pink that swayed above him, and the clouds that hovered over; looking like messy scoops of vanilla ice cream strewn across a sea of light blue.
Jae Joong watched as a few flowers fell off its branches and landed gently on the grass. With a soft smile, he slowly hunkered down onto his knees and picked up one of the flowers that had fallen astray, letting it rest in his hands. He closed his eyes and brought his hands to his chest, breathing slowly. If only I could share this moment with somebody… if only I could share this moment with-
“Jae Joong!”
Jae Joong’s eyes slowly flew open and he turned his head to the side, a bit surprised but delighted nonetheless to see Yun Ho approaching him with a wide smile on his lips. His smile was wonderful; so bright that it could outshine all the beautiful stars at night.
“Jae Joong, I didn’t know you’d be here,” he said, outstretching a hand to help Jae Joong stand up from his hunkered down position. Jae Joong accepted his hand, inwardly wincing at the sudden pain in his chest.
“I wanted to see Yeouido, and the cherry blossoms…” Jae Joong replied softly, gazing at the lone flower in his hand. “And the Han River’s just nearby. I figured today would be a nice day to go out.”
“Well, you figured right.” Yun Ho chuckled, nodding. Taking hold of Jae Joong’s delicate hands, he began leading Jae Joong elsewhere. They were running after, practically, and that was when the slightly elder of the two began to protest; suddenly stopping in his tracks. Yun Ho regarded him with a bemused expression, wondering if the other didn’t want to go anywhere with him. “What’s wrong? Don’t you want to be with me…?”
“That’s not it.” Jae Joong shook his head, eyes closed as he struggled to breathe. One hand rested on his knees, while the other clutched his chest firmly - it was an attempt to alleviate the sudden pressure. “I’m… I’m just tired…”
Immediately, Yun Ho rushed over to his side; holding onto his shoulders, “Rest,” he said as he led Jae Joong to a nearby bench. By the time they had sat down, Jae Joong was a panting mess. He gasped for breath but hardly drew any. His vision grew blurry and dark from the lack of oxygen, and had it not been for Yun Ho’s soothing pats on his back and the lack of physical exertion, most likely, Jae Joong would have passed out.
“What just happened?” Yun Ho asked when Jae Joong had calmed down; still patting the latter’s back gently, running his hand up and down his spine.
“Heartburn” Jae Joong immediately answered; a blatant lie. Yun Ho never bought it. Heartburn would result in uncomfortable and tight chest pains, true, but would not lead to difficulty in breathing and would not subside by merely resting. What Jae Joong had, he knew, was no mere heartburn.
“Jae Joong, that’s not-“
“Forget about it; I’m fine.” He insisted, slowly turning to face Yun Ho; meeting the latter’s gaze. With a small smile he repeated slowly the words he had just said, “I’m fine.”
“If… if you insist…” Yun Ho sighed, ignoring the chord of doubt in him, and rested his elbows on his thighs, hands coming together. Silence ensued between the two of them for a moment, and he took that opportunity to watch the couples that passed by on rented bicycles; envying them, but not quite. After a while he turned to face Jae Joong, who stared back at him with wide eyes, almost as if what had happened earlier didn’t even happen at all.
“Can I have that?” he asked, pointing to the delicate pink flower that lay idly in the palm of Jae Joong’s hand. “It’s beautiful, just like you. If I have it, I’ll be reminded of this moment we’re sharing.”
“O… okay.” Jae Joong stuttered gauchely, lifting the flower off his one hand and giving it to Yun Ho with the other.
A smile inundated Yun Ho’s face as he received the little cherry blossom. He held it gently and caressed it lightly in his hands before he turned to face Jae Joong once more, “It’s just a flower that had drifted away in the wind… there’s nothing special about it, and it’s not even that big. But I’ll cherish it anyway, because you found it.”
Those words sent Jae Joong’s heart aflutter; a wonderful relief from all the usual pains. Before he could even figure out what he was doing, he found himself leaning closer to Yun Ho and resting his head on the latter’s shoulder; and maybe he was just imagining it, but he swore he felt Yun Ho lean his head against his.
~;~
It could have been a coincidence, it could have been luck. It could have been an accident, or it could have been fate. Whichever it was, Jae Joong was grateful, for he had been bumping into Yun Ho for the past month; almost as if they had been destined to meet each time.
He could not deny the feelings he had whenever he was around Yun Ho; whenever they would touch. He could not help but get lost in that smile, and drown in those brown orbs which had as much depth as the sea. It was just like before, only better this time.
They had decided to meet this time, in the same park they had met a month earlier, figuring they had bumped into each other enough to finally meet on their own. The trip there was short and only took one subway ride, yet was still nothing but insufferable for Jae Joong, as the compressions, the tightening, the shooting and the palpitating seemed to have intensified by the day. But he had learned to tolerate it, or at least, smile when Yun Ho arrived. He had learned to ignore the pain even just for a while.
“Yun Ho,” he uttered once the aforementioned male had drawn closer to him, standing up as slowly and as naturally as he could from the bench he had been sitting on. “You’re here.”
“Of course I’d be here; I was the one who asked you to come here in the first place.” Yun Ho laughed, taking hold of Jae Joong’s hand as they both sat down on the wooden bench. The streets were pink already, paved with fallen flowers that had drifted away in the wind.
“I’m glad you did. I would never have found the courage to ask you to meet me myself.” Jae Joong admitted, eyes downcast and fixated on the hand that held his tightly yet softly.
“Still as shy as ever,” Yun Ho said, while pinching the bridge of Jae Joong’s nose, “but I find that quite lovable in a person.”
Jae Joong blushed and never averted his gaze from Yun Ho’s hand on his. It made him wonder if Yun Ho loved to flatter everyone, or if he was just special. His heart beat faster at the thought. “Um… so was there any particular reason you wanted to see me?” he asked, finally finding the courage to tear his eyes away from their hands and fixate them on Yun Ho, “Is there anything you need, perhaps? My assistance, advice, or maybe-“
Before Jae Joong could get another word out, Yun Ho leaned in and pressed his lips against the other’s. It lasted barely two seconds before he drew back. “I wanted to see you so I could do that. Also to tell you that I really, really like you. That I’m possibly in love with you and that I want to see you every day, and hear your voice all the time.”
Jae Joong licked his lower lip and uttered nothing. He was sure that his face was beet red, or possibly even redder. His heart was beating faster than he could have ever thought was possible, and he found it difficult to look Yun Ho in the eye after what had happened.
He was happy, no, ecstatic. Possibly even in a state of euphoria when he had heard Yun Ho confess the words he had always longed to hear; but he was too shy to respond. But more than shy, he was scared - his life was ending soon, and he feared that if he told Yun Ho about his condition, the latter would worry and maybe even (and he really wished he wouldn’t) leave him.
“I always thought you liked me back…” Yun Ho began when Jae Joong said nothing, trailing off for a moment, “You do, don’t you? Or did I just… did I just ruin our friendship…?”
“You didn’t.” Jae Joong finally spoke, shaking his head, instilling all the courage he had in him into his words, “I… I really like you, too.” He mumbled, unsure if Yun Ho could hear him. But when he was all of a sudden enveloped in a tight embrace, he was certain that his words did not come unheard.
“Then say you’ll be with me. Say we can be together.” He heard Yun Ho mumble into the hollow of his neck, his breath tickling the sensitive skin ever so slightly. Jae Joong smiled and leaned his head closer to Yun Ho, getting a whiff of the other’s scent, which smelt like a splice of vanilla and coffee.
Jae Joong slowly wrapped his arms around Yun Ho, forgetting the rest of the world and all the thoughts that plagued his mind momentarily. All he could think of at that moment was Yun Ho, and how happy he had made him feel.
“Yes.” He said, “I’d like that.”
~;~
“It’s wonderful up here, isn’t it?” Yun Ho asked Jae Joong, wrapping an arm around the latter’s shoulder, bringing their bodies closer together.
“Yes.” Jae Joong nodded in response, slumping into Yun Ho’s hold. The Namsan Tower was beautiful - the padlocks filled with declarations of love, the cable carts, and the incredible overview of the city of Seoul were only some of the reasons why this was so. To be there with Yun Ho, to be anywhere with Yun Ho made Jae Joong’s heart smile. “Thank you for taking me here.”
“Don’t thank me, I’m not doing this as a favor, but because I want to.” Yun Ho told him as they neared the wide expanse of heart-shaped padlocks filled with short but endearing messages to their loved ones. “Can I write one for you?”
“You shouldn’t have to ask me,” Jae Joong chuckled lightly and took hold of Yun Ho’s hand, “do you think that I’d say no?”
“I guess not.” Yun Ho smiled sheepishly, letting go of Jae Joong’s hand for a while. He dug his hand into his pocket, fumbling with whatever it was that was inside until he took out a small padlock. Scribbled on it were words messily written in permanent marker, and Jae Joong blushed at the sight of it.
“You already wrote on it?” Jae Joong chortled, reaching for the padlock and holding it in his hands. It made him smile.
재중아, 우리 재중아… 나는 달 까지 갔다가, 다시 돌아오는만큼 너를 사랑한데요.
Jae Joong, my Jae Joong… I love you right up to the moon - and back.
“I couldn’t fit in more words.” Yun Ho admitted shyly, “I guess the padlock was too small… or my handwriting’s too big…”
“It doesn’t matter; I love it…” Jae Joong shook his head, holding onto the little padlock a little bit tighter, bringing it closer to him, “I love you.”
Yun Ho smiled. “I’ll go hang it with the others.” Taking back the padlock that Jae Joong held, he motioned towards the array of padlocks, where he could place his.
All the while Jae Joong watched as Yun Ho struggled to find space to place his. It was an adorable sight to see, and just as he was about to walk over to Yun Ho and help him find a decent and vacant space, his chest abruptly compressed. He stopped in his tracks to cringe.
Why all of a sudden?
It was a lot tighter than it ever was before, like the entire world suddenly began to press down on his chest. He could barely breathe; as if something was pushing down on him so hard that air could not pass. It was a lot more painful, too, like he was being stabbed in the process of getting crushed.
Jae Joong couldn’t remember much after that. All he could recall was himself losing balance and the blurry sight of Yun Ho rushing to him, calling out his name repeatedly like a mantra, before everything blacked out.
~;~
Angina Pectoris - a disease characterized by a distinctive tightness, or a compression in the chest, front or back. All along Jae Joong had been suffering from it, but Yun Ho never knew.
He never knew how Jae Joong had developed the disease briefly after he had moved to Japan. He never knew how Jae Joong’s mother had fallen ill trying to take care of him; how after she had died, he never let anyone know how he felt. He never knew how he had made his father believe that he was alright, that the pain was gone and that the nitroglycerine tablets and the antithyroid drugs worked - even though they barely helped. He never knew that he had been suffering it, enduring it all this time; blocking the pain out as much as possible until the disease reached a critical state. He never knew that Jae Joong was dying.
But he knew now. He knew, and he felt guilt rising to the surface.
The sight of Jae Joong before him was one he that made his heart ache terribly in his chest. There were various monitors attached to his body, some regulating his heartbeat and others probably helping him breathe, due to the fact that he was unable to just a few hours back.
Perhaps if he hadn’t ignored the string of doubt he had in him the first time he witnessed Jae Joong struggling to breathe, he could have prevented this from happening somehow.
Yun Ho swallowed the myriad of emotions he felt and sat down on the chair next to the bed and beeping machines, holding onto Jae Joong’s hand. It was not long before the pale man on the bed slowly fluttered his eyes open, taking in his surroundings for a moment before swiftly turning to face Yun Ho with a mortified look in his eyes.
Despite his inner turmoil, Yun Ho appeared to be calm and stroked Jae Joong’s hand gently in an attempt to calm the other down.
“You know now… don’t you?” Jae Joong whispered, face turned away and eyes fixated on the floor. He could not possibly look at Yun Ho now; not when the latter knew.
“Dr. Hwang filled me in.” Came Yun Ho’s reply. “Why… why didn’t you tell me?”
For a moment Jae Joong refused to say anything, he just wanted to disappear; wanted the bed to turn into a vortex of nothingness and suck him into oblivion. That precise moment was what he had feared the most; he never wanted Yun Ho to find out - not like this, at least.
“I never wanted you to know.” Jae Joong finally spoke, instilling every last drop of courage he had in his body into his words, and into his voice. “I didn’t want you to worry - I never wanted you to worry. I didn’t want to spoil your happiness by telling you of my disease, by burdening you with my problems.”
“I don’t know why you think that way,” Yun Ho said, reaching out to clutch the other’s chin and turn his head so that they were facing each other. “If you're hurting then I have to be hurting with you. Jae Joong, if I were hurting, would you just be whistling around and pretending not to know? You should have told me, so that I would have done something and-“
“But what could you have done?!” Jae Joong yelled out in frustration, tears abruptly streaming down his face. He had been holding them in for too long a time. “Could you be sick in my place, would you be able to do that?”
Yun Ho cupped either side of Jae Joong’s face and wiped away the tears. He knew that random spouts of anxiety were an effect of angina pectoris; he understood. “If it were possible, you know I would,” he said, “I know you know that.”
Jae Joong closed his eyes, a fresh stream of tears running down his cheeks, “…I thought you’d leave me if you knew. I thought you’d stop loving me.” His voice was a lot softer now, albeit shaky; and the words that had left his mouth were enough to make Yun Ho’s heart constrict in his chest.
Yun Ho pulled Jae Joong gently into an embrace and held him tightly, whispering into his ear as he spoke, “Love... it's not just the churning in your stomach or the rapid beating of your heart upon seeing, upon being with someone. It's just not that feeling you get when you want so bad to be with someone; when you forget about everything and just see that one person. Real love is an act of the will. It's choosing to be with somebody no matter how bad things get. It's not giving into the temptation of leaving when you think things are going down. It's staying even when you don't get butterflies anymore. It's choosing to stay and to continue to care for a person despite anything and everything.” He drew away slightly so that he could look into Jae Joong’s teary eyes,
“That's what real love is. I will stick by you no matter what happens, because I love you.”
“I love you, too.” Jae Joong said, burying his face into Yun Ho’s neck. “I’m sorry this had to happen.”
Yun Ho stroked Jae Joong’s hair gently and hushed him; embracing him tighter in his arms, “It’s not your fault,” he said, “It’s not your fault.”
~;~
“I’m not staying here.”
“Jae Joong, you already know what can and will happen to you if you continue to stay outside.” Dr. Hwang said, he sighed heavily before he continued “I didn’t want to have to tell you this, but your condition is… at its worst. At this point, you don’t even need to exert yourself to feel the compressions in your chest and the shooting in your arms.”
“But we already had this conversation!” Jae Joong yelled out, cringing suddenly when he felt his chest tighten. Yun Ho quickly held him tight. He could not deny it - his condition was getting worse. “I don’t want to be here. I want to be outside.”
Dr. Hwang maneuvered himself closer to the bed where Jae Joong lay. He placed a hand gently atop Jae Joong’s shoulder before letting out another sigh, “You are in no condition to be outside. Please, rethink your decision; you might collapse again.” he tried, but after receiving no reaction from Jae Joong, he turned to Yun Ho, eyes pleading him to convince the other to receive treatment in the hospital.
Yun Ho nodded once, understanding the doctor’s plea and turned to face Jae Joong. “At least stay here for a month. If nothing changes, then you don’t have to come back.” He told the other male, peering into his eyes with a soul-searching look. “Please. I don’t want to lose you.”
“All I want is to be with you…” Jae Joong whispered audibly, closing his eyes in an attempt to block out the tears that were threatening to fall.
“You will be. I’ll never leave your side.”
“But by doing that, I’ll just ruin your life-“
“That’s not true.” Yun Ho quickly interrupted, shaking his head. “Being away from you is what will ruin my life. If being with you means that I’ll have to live in this hospital for a month, then so be it.”
It took a while for Jae Joong to respond and finally give out a decision. In the end he nodded silently.
~;~
“I don’t know how you can want to be with someone like me…” Jae Joong said one day as he eyed Yun Ho, who was standing by the window in the room they were in, looking outside. He had meant for those words to go unspoken, a mere thought in his head; but somehow they managed to escape before he could do anything about it.
Yun Ho immediately turned his head and met gazes with Jae Joong. He meandered over to the latter and sat down on the chair by his bed, never failing to take hold of the other’s hand, “Why wouldn’t I want to be with you? You’re amazing and I love you.”
“But I’m also dying.” Jae Joong couldn’t help but say. He let out an exasperated sigh a little while after and lowered his head, “I’m sorry. I should stop being like this…”
Yun Ho smiled wanly and used his other hand to cup one side of Jae Joong’s cheek, letting his thumb move around in small yet comforting circles, “You’re not going to die. No matter what anybody says, we’re going to prove them wrong. You’ll get better; I promise.”
“What if you can’t keep your promise, what’ll you do then?”
Yun Ho took a moment to chuckle lightly before he leaned into Jae Joong and let their lips meet in a soft, chaste kiss. When he pulled away he gazed directly and solemnly into Jae Joong’s eyes, “Nothing. Because that’s not going to happen.”
“I have ten months left, at the very most.” Jae Joong said.
“Enough time for you to get better.”
~;~
It was spring of the following year when Yun Ho found himself sitting alone on a bench under one of the many cherry blossom trees in Yeouido Park. He gazed at the fallen flowers by his feet, smiling as he remembered how it was around that same time of the year when he had seen Jae Joong hunkered down onto his knees with a lone flower in his hand. He bent forward and picked up a flower, staring at it as a smile inundated his face.
It reminded him so much of Jae Joong.
Yun Ho continued to gaze at it, remembering the previous year, when all of a sudden a hand from behind blocked his vision by covering his eyes. He laughed and took hold of the hand, turning around to see who it was behind him. His smile grew wider.
“I’m sorry I’m late.”
Jae Joong.
“I forgot that I had urgent errands to run.”
“It’s all right. You’re here now; that’s all that matters.” Came Yun Ho’s reply. Seeing Jae Joong never failed to put a smile on his face; especially now that he was much healthier than before.
All the doctors were sure he was going to die, what with the criticality of his illness; but Jae Joong somehow managed to make a miraculous recovery. The chest pains decreased rapidly until it soon enough became a rarity for them to appear. It was a relief knowing that all the silent prayers he made at night as he watched the love of his life fall to sleep hadn’t fallen on deaf ears; that the two of them were given a chance to love each other longer.
“What are you smiling at?” Jae Joong’s words were enough to interrupt Yun Ho’s train of thought; and had it not been for them, he wouldn’t have known that he had been all the while smiling.
“You.” He momentarily turned his attention to the little flower in his hand, before bringing that same hand over to Jae Joong, “Here, take it.”
“A cherry blossom.” Jae Joong stated as he picked up the flower from the palm of Yun Ho’s hand.
“I took yours last time so that I could be reminded of you. Take mine this time so you’ll be reminded of me.” Yun Ho told him, and received a blush and a nudge in return.
“You never stopped being cheesy.”
“You never stopped liking it.” Yun Ho retorted playfully, poking the other’s cheek. He leaned against Jae Joong’s shoulder shortly after and closed his eyes; letting the gentle breeze that passed by ruffle his hair as he thought of many things.
Jae Joong’s disease had been a huge obstacle they had overcome together, but had it not been for that hurdle, they probably wouldn’t have been where they were. They probably would not have met. They probably would have been puzzles desperate to find their missing piece, but to no avail.
He had so many to be grateful for.
“Jae Joong,” Yun Ho spoke all of a sudden; breaking the peaceful silence that ensued upon them earlier.
“Hmm?”
“I love you right up to the moon - and back.”
Jae Joong chuckled and leaned his head against Yun Ho’s. With a smile he replied, “So do I.”
Word count: 6,094