Shame
Title: Shame
Author: tvfxq
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance
Length: One-shot
Disclaimer: The title of this fan fiction was taken from Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow’s “Shame”; the story was also inspired by the song. Other than that, any similarities to other fics, stories, movies, events, and anything else of the like are purely coincidental.
Summary: It was a shame that both Yun Ho and Jae Joong never listened to their hearts, for now they lived completely different lives away from each other - Yun Ho as a university student, and Jae Joong as a singer.
a/n.: Dedicated to kyuhae_vip ♥
Shame
Well, there’s three versions of this story - mine, yours and then the truth
And we can put it down to circumstance, our childhood, then our youth.
Out of some sentimental gain, I wanted you to feel my pain,
But it came back, return to sender.
I read your mind and tried to call, my tears could fill the Albert Hall,
Is this the sound of sweet surrender?
-Shame; Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow
~;~
Yun Ho crashes himself onto the couch and reaches out for the remote. He turns on the television only to drop everything in his hands and widen his eyes to its fullest extent. He blinks once, twice, thrice before rubbing his eyes - just to see if he’s not imagining things.
He isn’t.
The man on the screen has a certain sun-baked, light shade of brown coloured hair, and deep green eyes; which are obviously artificial, but somehow seem as though nature itself shared a part of its colour with the eyes of the ethereal creature before him. His skin is porcelain white and Yun Ho can imagine - no - remember how smooth and soft it feels. His lips are a dark shade of pink and are very defined and evident on his pale skin. There are multiple studs on each ear and the clothes he is wearing are flashy and sparkly with diamonds spanning the entire garment. Yun Ho almost scarcely recognizes him, but he knows in his heart that beneath the man’s new image is the old person he used to love.
Or, judging by his increased heart rate, still loves.
Kim Jae Joong - his name flashes on the television screen, and Yun Ho’s heart constricts in his chest. The man before him is a singer with a voice so beautiful and a name - judging by the show he’s on - so reputable, he cannot help but wonder in hindsight what he was so busy with that he didn’t notice what Jae Joong had become, and he wonders what would have happened if he’d stopped him from getting on that bus to his stardom.
Yun Ho reaches for the remote once more and attempts to turn off the television, but stops when he realizes that killing the screen would be like refusing to see Jae Joong again. He realizes that he cannot push Jae Joong away from his life for a second time - even if this second time is now only from afar.
For the next hour and a half, Yun Ho watches and listens silently as Jae Joong, in all his beauty, fills the small room he is in with the sound of his melodious singing.
I can’t look at you even when I have my eyes open
I can’t find your heart which has become cloudy amongst the worn out memories
I can’t do more because I’m tired and cried too much
No matter how much I think, I’ll be okay when I see you
As Jae Joong sings, Yun Ho thinks - and he knows it is just wishful thinking - and begins to wonder if that song is for him; if Jae Joong once loved him, too, and if he still even exists in the other man’s memories.
~;~
So I got busy throwing everybody underneath the bus
And with your poster 30 foot at the back of Toys-R-Us
I wrote a letter in my mind, but the words were so unkind,
About a man I can’t remember
I don’t recall the reasons why, I must have meant them at the time,
Is this the sound of sweet surrender?
-Shame; Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow
Yun Ho is on his way home from his last day of university before the summer break. He’s tired and relieved at the same time, and all he wants to do is go home - but something big catches his eye and makes him stop in his tracks to stare and gawk.
A gargantuan poster of Jae Joong is sprawled across a building, and in his mind he cannot help but wish that that Jae Joong he sees is the old Jae Joong - the Jae Joong he knew to have ebony black hair, and dark brown eyes. His beauty then was simplistic, as compared to his ethereal beauty now; and Yun Ho is torn between his happiness for Jae Joong’s success, and his selfishness and desire to have the man beside him again.
When he goes home he immediately turns on his laptop and searches for videos of all sorts of Jae Joong - from music videos to fan-made tributes, from variety shows to live performances - just so that he can see him again.
Jae Joong oppa is so perfect!
Jae Joong-sshi is the greatest singer~
Jae Joong has it all - the looks, the voice, and the wonderful personality to boot.
As Yun Ho reads the comments Jae Joong’s fans shared, he can’t help himself but agree. Jae Joong is perfect, despite how much he’s changed. Jae Joong is the greatest singer, in his opinion. Jae Joong does have everything - from the looks to the persona.
He finds himself missing the old Jae Joong more and more, yet at the same time he wants to see more of this new Jae Joong. Before he knows it, he’s downloading all his dramas and keeps himself up-to-date with everything that is current with Jae Joong. Before he knows it, he’s falling deeper and deeper for Jae Joong - both the old and the new.
~;~
What a shame we never listened
I told you through the television
And all that went away was the price we paid
People spend a lifetime this way
And that’s how they stay
Oh what a shame
- Shame; Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow
Yun Ho spends an entire day watching the variety shows Jae Joong is in. Jae Joong’s personality onscreen is very similar to how he remembers him to be, and he is happy to know that fame and success has not gotten to his head.
There is one variety show, in particular, that Yun Ho cannot stop watching - it is one from his debut years; back when his hair was still black, and when his eyes were a warm shade of brown, free from contact lenses.
“So have you ever been in love? Did you have a girlfriend before you entered the entertainment business?” the emcee asks, and Jae Joong bites his lip in contemplation. He looks hesitant to answer, but after a moment, he smiles.
“I have been in love, yes, and I’m probably still in love. I’ve only loved one person, but I was a fool and never admitted it. Everyday I wonder what would have happened if I’d told that person that I loved her on the day I was leaving. Perhaps I never said anything because I was expecting her to stop me, and perhaps when she didn’t that’s when I realized that there wouldn’t be a point in confessing my feelings.” Jae Joong stops and bites back tears. At this point Yun Ho knows he is the one Jae Joong was talking about, and his heart aches painfully in his chest.
What a shame we never listened to our hearts. He thinks. He is saddened when he realizes that he only knew of Jae Joong’s feelings for him through a screen; two years too late. At this point he begins to wonder if he is truly too late.
~;~
Yun Ho busies himself with a drama Jae Joong stars in.
“I love you,” he hears Jae Joong’s character say to the female protagonist he had grown to envy, “I was afraid to say it at first, but now I’ll say it again - I love you.” Yun Ho decides then that Jae Joong is talking to him and not to that girl. Never mind that it is scripted, and that Jae Joong is just playing a role. Never mind that it is childish - it’s the closest Yun Ho has to the real thing.
“I love you, too.” Yun Ho mutters back in response to the screen, knowing full well that Jae Joong cannot hear him, “I was also afraid.” He screws his eyes shut when Jae Joong takes the girl’s hand in his, and when he leans in closer to her. Lest he break something, Yun Ho decides not to see it.
He is grateful for the commercial break that stops Jae Joong’s kiss with the girl - he vows never to learn her name, for she is of no importance to him no matter how clear her skin is and how pretty her eyes are.
The commercial that flashes before his eyes catches his attention immediately and it is enough for him to forget about that dreadful kiss scene for a moment, for Jae Joong’s name is repeated several times. The advertisement is about a raffle - about a once-in-a-lifetime chance to win a front-row seat and a backstage pass to Jae Joong’s solo concert; to be able to meet with the artist himself. Yun Ho’s heart begins to race, and it beats rapidly in his chest. He knows he’s never been lucky, but he just has to see Jae Joong again.
After Jae Joong’s drama finishes, Yun Ho races to the nearest convenience store and buys all of the raffle tickets to Jae Joong’s concert. Never mind that he is selfish, never mind that it burns a huge hole in his pocket, never mind that he’s being inconsiderate of others who also wish for a chance to meet Jae Joong - they don’t need to see him as bad as Yun Ho does.
The lady by the counter regards him with a look that says that he’s crazy and desperate. Yun Ho doesn’t let that get to him, for perhaps she is right. He is crazy in love with Jae Joong and he so desperately needs to tell him that.
About a month later, Yun Ho thinks to himself that perhaps lady luck and fate are on his side for once - for he had won the ticket and the backstage pass he had so desperately wanted to win. He would finally get to see Jae Joong after three years.
~;~
Yun Ho hasn’t seen Jae Joong in person for three years, and two out of those three years were spent by Jae Joong as a singer - a well loved and respected singer; naturally there would be a huge wall separating the two of them from ever being in the same world again. However now, he is five feet away from him, and the only thing that is stopping him from getting any closer is the stage.
But it doesn’t matter, he thinks to himself, for after the concert is what really matters.
In the meantime, as Yun Ho waits, he sways his head to the music of one of Jae Joong’s many songs, singing along to the lyrics he knows by heart.
I want to protect you
Even your bad habits make me smile when I’m tired
Although it may be difficult, I’m going to say that I love you
Until the day you first come into my arms
~;~
Yun Ho takes a deep breath.
He clutches onto the doorknob and pushes the door to Jae Joong’s dressing room open. Jae Joong’s attention is caught, and he draws his eyes to the mirror to see the reflection of the lucky fan that won the pass. When his eyes meet with Jae Joong’s, the beauty’s eyes evidently widen. “Yun Ho,” Jae Joong mutters softly, before standing up from his seat to face the aforementioned man.
Yun Ho is too stunned, at this point, to speak. Jae Joong looks so perfect so up close; seeing him offstage gives him this certain appeal that Yun Ho cannot distinguish, but it takes his breath away nevertheless.
When Jae Joong smiles and approaches him, Yun Ho’s heart skips a beat.
“I haven’t seen you in ages!” Jae Joong declares as he wraps his arms around Yun Ho’s neck, and when he does, Yun Ho’s heart stops. When Jae Joong pulls away from his embrace, he meets Yun Ho’s eyes with an amiable gaze; a gaze that says that he has missed Yun Ho probably just as much as the latter had missed him.
It is only at this point when Yun Ho finds it in him to speak, to move; to do something else rather than just stare dumbfounded at the person he’s not seen in years. “I’ve missed you a lot,” is the first sentence Yun Ho tells Jae Joong, and the latter smiles warmly at him in return.
“Me too,” Jae Joong replies in that voice Yun Ho loves so much.
For a moment, silence falls upon them, and that silence reminds Yun Ho of the day Jae Joong left; the day they both failed to tell each other of how they felt. Yun Ho frowns at the memory of that day and fixates his thoughts on the person before him; on the moment. “Um, you look great, by the way…” Yun Ho says awkwardly; somehow all words seem to escape his mind.
Jae Joong simply smiles at him. “I could say the same for you.”
“I’m not nearly as good looking as you are now,” Yun Ho laughs, trying to make conversation. He did not know that meeting Jae Joong again would be this awkward. The scenario he planned in his mind days before the concert was to take place had been totally screwed up; now, he is an awkward mess, and he wonders, out of sheer paranoia, if Jae Joong holds that against him. The Jae Joong he knew never would, but who knows? People change just as much as seasons do.
“Yun Ho?” Jae Joong’s melodic voice interrupts his train of thoughts, and he brings his attention fully to Jae Joong.
“Yes?”
“You’re fussing over something again, aren’t you?” Jae Joong chortles, and Yun Ho’s face visibly loosens. Jae Joong still knows him like the back of his hand.
“I’m sorry,” Yun Ho laughs as he apologizes, “it’s a habit of mine I cannot control… if you remember.”
Jae Joong chortles once more, and Yun Ho tries his best not to get lost in that alluring yet evanescent melody, “Of course I remember. How can I forget? You were very special to me.”
“‘Were’?” Yun Ho finds himself repeating, sounding a little more disappointed than he would have liked. Jae Joong says nothing for a moment, but when he opens his mouth, as if on cue, the door to the dressing room they are in opens, and in comes a bespectacled girl with a clipboard in hand.
“Jae Joong-sshi, your manager is looking for you, it’s urgent, apparently.” She says monotonously; tone uninterested, eyes dismissive. A look of disappointment crosses Jae Joong’s face, and at this point, Yun Ho resists the urge to frown. He barely got to spend five minutes with Jae Joong, and now he has to go?
Jae Joong then speaks, “All right, I’ll just-“
“Now, please. It’s very important.” The girl cuts off, she looks exasperated and Jae Joong has no choice but to follow her. He meanders over to her, all the while facing Yun Ho with an apologetic look in his eyes.
Yun Ho tries to speak, but before he gets the chance to, Jae Joong is dragged away and disappears. The empty feeling that washes over him soon after is familiar and overwhelming, and Yun Ho feels close to breaking down.
Frustrated, Yun Ho falls down to his knees.
“Will I see you again?”
~;~
Ji Hye, Yun Ho’s younger sister, comes into town unannounced after a year of residing in Paris and she chooses to stay in one of the best hotels in Seoul for the rest of her visit. Yun Ho wonders why she does not stay with him instead, but when he inquires, all she does is shrug in response. He does not press the issue on after, and decides it’d be best for the both of them to stay together - so for the next four days, he lives in the hotel with her.
The first two days prove to be mundane, and besides being able to catch up with his sister, Yun Ho finds nothing to do. Nothing exciting is going on, and he doubts that anything exciting will happen soon.
~;~
On the third day of his stay with his sister, something interesting happens.
As if out of nowhere, Yun Ho hears a commotion coming from outside and he wonders what it could be. A riot, perhaps? He muses as he nears the window; however as he peers over he finds a large crowd of girls and a handful of guys holding up a bunch of placards and boards; they are clamouring, yes, but not creating an insurgence. He squints his eyes to read out what is written on the signs, but he finds that he is too high up to be able to read what they say.
Yun Ho shrugs and smiles to himself, Perhaps there is a celebrity staying at this hotel, he thinks. His heart beats a little faster in his chests and longs for it to be Jae Joong; but knowing his luck, it most likely isn’t.
~;~
It’s a quarter past midnight, and Yun Ho finds that he cannot fall to sleep. Sighing, he gets up from his bed and tiptoes out the room, careful not to wake Ji Hye. He does not know where he wants to go, but the sight of the fire exit seems tempting and alluring to him. He’s hesitant at first - for he knows that the fire exit is to be used only for emergencies; however, the thought of being able to sit quietly and alone on the steps and think without any disturbance wins him over and he finds himself heading for the exit.
He climbs down a few flights until he finally stops to sit. Immediately after he does so, thoughts of the man that plagued his heart swam into his mind and consumed him, as always. He wishes so badly, now more than ever, to see Jae Joong.
However he knows better. He knows that Jae Joong is a star and has a schedule to maintain. He cannot and will not pop out of nowhere just because somebody loves him deeply. It’s sad, but it’s the truth.
~;~
Yun Ho decides that he’s had enough thinking for one night and wants to try his luck at sleep again. He stands up and brushes off the dust that sits on his trousers and heads for upstairs. As he climbs up he hears the faint sound of a door creaking, followed by soft footsteps soon after.
He pauses for a minute and smiles to himself. Perhaps he’s not the only one to think about taking refuge in the fire escape after all. With a shrug he continues on walking, and the sound of footsteps grows inevitably louder. His eyes are glued to his feet, and he does not tear his eyes away even when he feels his shoulder brush lightly against somebody. “Sorry,” he mumbles and continues on.
But when he hears a very, very familiar voice speak his name, chills run up his spine and he abruptly stops.
“Jae Joong?” he calls out hopefully as he turns around.
For a moment the two stare at each other; no words escaping either of their lips. They both wonder if they’re imagining what they’re seeing. “Yun Ho…” Jae Joong finally whispers, practically inaudibly, and if not for the utter silence enveloping them and the place they are in, Yun Ho would not have heard.
“Hi,” is all Yun Ho can say in response. He cannot believe that what is happening is reality, and if somehow he is dreaming, he wishes not to be awoken.
“Can you stay with me for a while?” Jae Joong requests, voice soft. “That is, if you’re not occupied.”
“Of course.” Yun Ho is quick to oblige, and he watches as Jae Joong slides down and sits. Yun Ho sits down beside Jae Joong’s landing.
For a moment, they stay quiet. Jae Joong fiddles with his fingers, and Yun Ho stares down at his feet. It is only after a while that Yun Ho finally decides to speak, “I’m sorry for what happened between us three years ago.”
Jae Joong turns to look at him. His face is unfazed, but his eyes tell of a different story. Yun Ho catches that look in his eyes and he finds the courage to elaborate more on his words.
“I should have said something when you were about to leave,” he elucidates and let the words eloquently fall out of his mouth, “I didn’t think you’d feel the same way, but I should have listened and taken a chance. One of us should have said something, and I believe that it should have been me.”
Silence.
Yun Ho stares at Jae Joong, trying to read him, but he cannot decipher that look on his face; not even the look in his eyes. He wishes for Jae Joong to say something; for silence means uncertainty to him. To his delight, the latter does speak.
“You… you aren’t just saying this because I’m famous now, are you?” Jae Joong asks, and there is uncertainty spilling in his voice. His voice cracks, “I… I… I want to be sure…”
Yun Ho shakes his head, “This isn’t just because you’re a celebrity. I really like… no, love you. Honestly, if you stopped being a singer now, my feelings wouldn’t change. I only wish I told you this earlier.”
Silence spills over them again, and they remain quiet for a while. Yun Ho begins to wonder again what’s on Jae Joong’s mind and grows anxious. Unintentionally his eyebrows furrow and knit together. He’s being paranoid again, but he has a reason to be, he thinks.
Then, the unexpected happens and he feels something soft and petal-like make contact with his lips. His eyes widen when he takes in fully what happens, and everything happens and ends too fast for him to react more. He stares at Jae Joong with a question mark on his face.
“I knew you were being paranoid again,” Jae Joong chuckles softly, and it brings a light smile upon Yun Ho’s lips.
“Does this mean we get to see each other more often from now on?” Yun Ho says more than asks, and Jae Joong smiles in return.
“Definitely.”
Yun Ho reciprocates Jae Joong’s smile and makes a mental note to thank Ji Hye for coming back from Paris so unexpectedly.
Download
Author: tvfxq
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance
Length: One-shot
Disclaimer: The title of this fan fiction was taken from Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow’s “Shame”; the story was also inspired by the song. Other than that, any similarities to other fics, stories, movies, events, and anything else of the like are purely coincidental.
Summary: It was a shame that both Yun Ho and Jae Joong never listened to their hearts, for now they lived completely different lives away from each other - Yun Ho as a university student, and Jae Joong as a singer.
a/n.: Dedicated to kyuhae_vip ♥
Shame
Well, there’s three versions of this story - mine, yours and then the truth
And we can put it down to circumstance, our childhood, then our youth.
Out of some sentimental gain, I wanted you to feel my pain,
But it came back, return to sender.
I read your mind and tried to call, my tears could fill the Albert Hall,
Is this the sound of sweet surrender?
-Shame; Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow
~;~
Yun Ho crashes himself onto the couch and reaches out for the remote. He turns on the television only to drop everything in his hands and widen his eyes to its fullest extent. He blinks once, twice, thrice before rubbing his eyes - just to see if he’s not imagining things.
He isn’t.
The man on the screen has a certain sun-baked, light shade of brown coloured hair, and deep green eyes; which are obviously artificial, but somehow seem as though nature itself shared a part of its colour with the eyes of the ethereal creature before him. His skin is porcelain white and Yun Ho can imagine - no - remember how smooth and soft it feels. His lips are a dark shade of pink and are very defined and evident on his pale skin. There are multiple studs on each ear and the clothes he is wearing are flashy and sparkly with diamonds spanning the entire garment. Yun Ho almost scarcely recognizes him, but he knows in his heart that beneath the man’s new image is the old person he used to love.
Or, judging by his increased heart rate, still loves.
Kim Jae Joong - his name flashes on the television screen, and Yun Ho’s heart constricts in his chest. The man before him is a singer with a voice so beautiful and a name - judging by the show he’s on - so reputable, he cannot help but wonder in hindsight what he was so busy with that he didn’t notice what Jae Joong had become, and he wonders what would have happened if he’d stopped him from getting on that bus to his stardom.
Yun Ho reaches for the remote once more and attempts to turn off the television, but stops when he realizes that killing the screen would be like refusing to see Jae Joong again. He realizes that he cannot push Jae Joong away from his life for a second time - even if this second time is now only from afar.
For the next hour and a half, Yun Ho watches and listens silently as Jae Joong, in all his beauty, fills the small room he is in with the sound of his melodious singing.
I can’t look at you even when I have my eyes open
I can’t find your heart which has become cloudy amongst the worn out memories
I can’t do more because I’m tired and cried too much
No matter how much I think, I’ll be okay when I see you
As Jae Joong sings, Yun Ho thinks - and he knows it is just wishful thinking - and begins to wonder if that song is for him; if Jae Joong once loved him, too, and if he still even exists in the other man’s memories.
~;~
So I got busy throwing everybody underneath the bus
And with your poster 30 foot at the back of Toys-R-Us
I wrote a letter in my mind, but the words were so unkind,
About a man I can’t remember
I don’t recall the reasons why, I must have meant them at the time,
Is this the sound of sweet surrender?
-Shame; Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow
Yun Ho is on his way home from his last day of university before the summer break. He’s tired and relieved at the same time, and all he wants to do is go home - but something big catches his eye and makes him stop in his tracks to stare and gawk.
A gargantuan poster of Jae Joong is sprawled across a building, and in his mind he cannot help but wish that that Jae Joong he sees is the old Jae Joong - the Jae Joong he knew to have ebony black hair, and dark brown eyes. His beauty then was simplistic, as compared to his ethereal beauty now; and Yun Ho is torn between his happiness for Jae Joong’s success, and his selfishness and desire to have the man beside him again.
When he goes home he immediately turns on his laptop and searches for videos of all sorts of Jae Joong - from music videos to fan-made tributes, from variety shows to live performances - just so that he can see him again.
Jae Joong oppa is so perfect!
Jae Joong-sshi is the greatest singer~
Jae Joong has it all - the looks, the voice, and the wonderful personality to boot.
As Yun Ho reads the comments Jae Joong’s fans shared, he can’t help himself but agree. Jae Joong is perfect, despite how much he’s changed. Jae Joong is the greatest singer, in his opinion. Jae Joong does have everything - from the looks to the persona.
He finds himself missing the old Jae Joong more and more, yet at the same time he wants to see more of this new Jae Joong. Before he knows it, he’s downloading all his dramas and keeps himself up-to-date with everything that is current with Jae Joong. Before he knows it, he’s falling deeper and deeper for Jae Joong - both the old and the new.
~;~
What a shame we never listened
I told you through the television
And all that went away was the price we paid
People spend a lifetime this way
And that’s how they stay
Oh what a shame
- Shame; Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow
Yun Ho spends an entire day watching the variety shows Jae Joong is in. Jae Joong’s personality onscreen is very similar to how he remembers him to be, and he is happy to know that fame and success has not gotten to his head.
There is one variety show, in particular, that Yun Ho cannot stop watching - it is one from his debut years; back when his hair was still black, and when his eyes were a warm shade of brown, free from contact lenses.
“So have you ever been in love? Did you have a girlfriend before you entered the entertainment business?” the emcee asks, and Jae Joong bites his lip in contemplation. He looks hesitant to answer, but after a moment, he smiles.
“I have been in love, yes, and I’m probably still in love. I’ve only loved one person, but I was a fool and never admitted it. Everyday I wonder what would have happened if I’d told that person that I loved her on the day I was leaving. Perhaps I never said anything because I was expecting her to stop me, and perhaps when she didn’t that’s when I realized that there wouldn’t be a point in confessing my feelings.” Jae Joong stops and bites back tears. At this point Yun Ho knows he is the one Jae Joong was talking about, and his heart aches painfully in his chest.
What a shame we never listened to our hearts. He thinks. He is saddened when he realizes that he only knew of Jae Joong’s feelings for him through a screen; two years too late. At this point he begins to wonder if he is truly too late.
~;~
Yun Ho busies himself with a drama Jae Joong stars in.
“I love you,” he hears Jae Joong’s character say to the female protagonist he had grown to envy, “I was afraid to say it at first, but now I’ll say it again - I love you.” Yun Ho decides then that Jae Joong is talking to him and not to that girl. Never mind that it is scripted, and that Jae Joong is just playing a role. Never mind that it is childish - it’s the closest Yun Ho has to the real thing.
“I love you, too.” Yun Ho mutters back in response to the screen, knowing full well that Jae Joong cannot hear him, “I was also afraid.” He screws his eyes shut when Jae Joong takes the girl’s hand in his, and when he leans in closer to her. Lest he break something, Yun Ho decides not to see it.
He is grateful for the commercial break that stops Jae Joong’s kiss with the girl - he vows never to learn her name, for she is of no importance to him no matter how clear her skin is and how pretty her eyes are.
The commercial that flashes before his eyes catches his attention immediately and it is enough for him to forget about that dreadful kiss scene for a moment, for Jae Joong’s name is repeated several times. The advertisement is about a raffle - about a once-in-a-lifetime chance to win a front-row seat and a backstage pass to Jae Joong’s solo concert; to be able to meet with the artist himself. Yun Ho’s heart begins to race, and it beats rapidly in his chest. He knows he’s never been lucky, but he just has to see Jae Joong again.
After Jae Joong’s drama finishes, Yun Ho races to the nearest convenience store and buys all of the raffle tickets to Jae Joong’s concert. Never mind that he is selfish, never mind that it burns a huge hole in his pocket, never mind that he’s being inconsiderate of others who also wish for a chance to meet Jae Joong - they don’t need to see him as bad as Yun Ho does.
The lady by the counter regards him with a look that says that he’s crazy and desperate. Yun Ho doesn’t let that get to him, for perhaps she is right. He is crazy in love with Jae Joong and he so desperately needs to tell him that.
About a month later, Yun Ho thinks to himself that perhaps lady luck and fate are on his side for once - for he had won the ticket and the backstage pass he had so desperately wanted to win. He would finally get to see Jae Joong after three years.
~;~
Yun Ho hasn’t seen Jae Joong in person for three years, and two out of those three years were spent by Jae Joong as a singer - a well loved and respected singer; naturally there would be a huge wall separating the two of them from ever being in the same world again. However now, he is five feet away from him, and the only thing that is stopping him from getting any closer is the stage.
But it doesn’t matter, he thinks to himself, for after the concert is what really matters.
In the meantime, as Yun Ho waits, he sways his head to the music of one of Jae Joong’s many songs, singing along to the lyrics he knows by heart.
I want to protect you
Even your bad habits make me smile when I’m tired
Although it may be difficult, I’m going to say that I love you
Until the day you first come into my arms
~;~
Yun Ho takes a deep breath.
He clutches onto the doorknob and pushes the door to Jae Joong’s dressing room open. Jae Joong’s attention is caught, and he draws his eyes to the mirror to see the reflection of the lucky fan that won the pass. When his eyes meet with Jae Joong’s, the beauty’s eyes evidently widen. “Yun Ho,” Jae Joong mutters softly, before standing up from his seat to face the aforementioned man.
Yun Ho is too stunned, at this point, to speak. Jae Joong looks so perfect so up close; seeing him offstage gives him this certain appeal that Yun Ho cannot distinguish, but it takes his breath away nevertheless.
When Jae Joong smiles and approaches him, Yun Ho’s heart skips a beat.
“I haven’t seen you in ages!” Jae Joong declares as he wraps his arms around Yun Ho’s neck, and when he does, Yun Ho’s heart stops. When Jae Joong pulls away from his embrace, he meets Yun Ho’s eyes with an amiable gaze; a gaze that says that he has missed Yun Ho probably just as much as the latter had missed him.
It is only at this point when Yun Ho finds it in him to speak, to move; to do something else rather than just stare dumbfounded at the person he’s not seen in years. “I’ve missed you a lot,” is the first sentence Yun Ho tells Jae Joong, and the latter smiles warmly at him in return.
“Me too,” Jae Joong replies in that voice Yun Ho loves so much.
For a moment, silence falls upon them, and that silence reminds Yun Ho of the day Jae Joong left; the day they both failed to tell each other of how they felt. Yun Ho frowns at the memory of that day and fixates his thoughts on the person before him; on the moment. “Um, you look great, by the way…” Yun Ho says awkwardly; somehow all words seem to escape his mind.
Jae Joong simply smiles at him. “I could say the same for you.”
“I’m not nearly as good looking as you are now,” Yun Ho laughs, trying to make conversation. He did not know that meeting Jae Joong again would be this awkward. The scenario he planned in his mind days before the concert was to take place had been totally screwed up; now, he is an awkward mess, and he wonders, out of sheer paranoia, if Jae Joong holds that against him. The Jae Joong he knew never would, but who knows? People change just as much as seasons do.
“Yun Ho?” Jae Joong’s melodic voice interrupts his train of thoughts, and he brings his attention fully to Jae Joong.
“Yes?”
“You’re fussing over something again, aren’t you?” Jae Joong chortles, and Yun Ho’s face visibly loosens. Jae Joong still knows him like the back of his hand.
“I’m sorry,” Yun Ho laughs as he apologizes, “it’s a habit of mine I cannot control… if you remember.”
Jae Joong chortles once more, and Yun Ho tries his best not to get lost in that alluring yet evanescent melody, “Of course I remember. How can I forget? You were very special to me.”
“‘Were’?” Yun Ho finds himself repeating, sounding a little more disappointed than he would have liked. Jae Joong says nothing for a moment, but when he opens his mouth, as if on cue, the door to the dressing room they are in opens, and in comes a bespectacled girl with a clipboard in hand.
“Jae Joong-sshi, your manager is looking for you, it’s urgent, apparently.” She says monotonously; tone uninterested, eyes dismissive. A look of disappointment crosses Jae Joong’s face, and at this point, Yun Ho resists the urge to frown. He barely got to spend five minutes with Jae Joong, and now he has to go?
Jae Joong then speaks, “All right, I’ll just-“
“Now, please. It’s very important.” The girl cuts off, she looks exasperated and Jae Joong has no choice but to follow her. He meanders over to her, all the while facing Yun Ho with an apologetic look in his eyes.
Yun Ho tries to speak, but before he gets the chance to, Jae Joong is dragged away and disappears. The empty feeling that washes over him soon after is familiar and overwhelming, and Yun Ho feels close to breaking down.
Frustrated, Yun Ho falls down to his knees.
“Will I see you again?”
~;~
Ji Hye, Yun Ho’s younger sister, comes into town unannounced after a year of residing in Paris and she chooses to stay in one of the best hotels in Seoul for the rest of her visit. Yun Ho wonders why she does not stay with him instead, but when he inquires, all she does is shrug in response. He does not press the issue on after, and decides it’d be best for the both of them to stay together - so for the next four days, he lives in the hotel with her.
The first two days prove to be mundane, and besides being able to catch up with his sister, Yun Ho finds nothing to do. Nothing exciting is going on, and he doubts that anything exciting will happen soon.
~;~
On the third day of his stay with his sister, something interesting happens.
As if out of nowhere, Yun Ho hears a commotion coming from outside and he wonders what it could be. A riot, perhaps? He muses as he nears the window; however as he peers over he finds a large crowd of girls and a handful of guys holding up a bunch of placards and boards; they are clamouring, yes, but not creating an insurgence. He squints his eyes to read out what is written on the signs, but he finds that he is too high up to be able to read what they say.
Yun Ho shrugs and smiles to himself, Perhaps there is a celebrity staying at this hotel, he thinks. His heart beats a little faster in his chests and longs for it to be Jae Joong; but knowing his luck, it most likely isn’t.
~;~
It’s a quarter past midnight, and Yun Ho finds that he cannot fall to sleep. Sighing, he gets up from his bed and tiptoes out the room, careful not to wake Ji Hye. He does not know where he wants to go, but the sight of the fire exit seems tempting and alluring to him. He’s hesitant at first - for he knows that the fire exit is to be used only for emergencies; however, the thought of being able to sit quietly and alone on the steps and think without any disturbance wins him over and he finds himself heading for the exit.
He climbs down a few flights until he finally stops to sit. Immediately after he does so, thoughts of the man that plagued his heart swam into his mind and consumed him, as always. He wishes so badly, now more than ever, to see Jae Joong.
However he knows better. He knows that Jae Joong is a star and has a schedule to maintain. He cannot and will not pop out of nowhere just because somebody loves him deeply. It’s sad, but it’s the truth.
~;~
Yun Ho decides that he’s had enough thinking for one night and wants to try his luck at sleep again. He stands up and brushes off the dust that sits on his trousers and heads for upstairs. As he climbs up he hears the faint sound of a door creaking, followed by soft footsteps soon after.
He pauses for a minute and smiles to himself. Perhaps he’s not the only one to think about taking refuge in the fire escape after all. With a shrug he continues on walking, and the sound of footsteps grows inevitably louder. His eyes are glued to his feet, and he does not tear his eyes away even when he feels his shoulder brush lightly against somebody. “Sorry,” he mumbles and continues on.
But when he hears a very, very familiar voice speak his name, chills run up his spine and he abruptly stops.
“Jae Joong?” he calls out hopefully as he turns around.
For a moment the two stare at each other; no words escaping either of their lips. They both wonder if they’re imagining what they’re seeing. “Yun Ho…” Jae Joong finally whispers, practically inaudibly, and if not for the utter silence enveloping them and the place they are in, Yun Ho would not have heard.
“Hi,” is all Yun Ho can say in response. He cannot believe that what is happening is reality, and if somehow he is dreaming, he wishes not to be awoken.
“Can you stay with me for a while?” Jae Joong requests, voice soft. “That is, if you’re not occupied.”
“Of course.” Yun Ho is quick to oblige, and he watches as Jae Joong slides down and sits. Yun Ho sits down beside Jae Joong’s landing.
For a moment, they stay quiet. Jae Joong fiddles with his fingers, and Yun Ho stares down at his feet. It is only after a while that Yun Ho finally decides to speak, “I’m sorry for what happened between us three years ago.”
Jae Joong turns to look at him. His face is unfazed, but his eyes tell of a different story. Yun Ho catches that look in his eyes and he finds the courage to elaborate more on his words.
“I should have said something when you were about to leave,” he elucidates and let the words eloquently fall out of his mouth, “I didn’t think you’d feel the same way, but I should have listened and taken a chance. One of us should have said something, and I believe that it should have been me.”
Silence.
Yun Ho stares at Jae Joong, trying to read him, but he cannot decipher that look on his face; not even the look in his eyes. He wishes for Jae Joong to say something; for silence means uncertainty to him. To his delight, the latter does speak.
“You… you aren’t just saying this because I’m famous now, are you?” Jae Joong asks, and there is uncertainty spilling in his voice. His voice cracks, “I… I… I want to be sure…”
Yun Ho shakes his head, “This isn’t just because you’re a celebrity. I really like… no, love you. Honestly, if you stopped being a singer now, my feelings wouldn’t change. I only wish I told you this earlier.”
Silence spills over them again, and they remain quiet for a while. Yun Ho begins to wonder again what’s on Jae Joong’s mind and grows anxious. Unintentionally his eyebrows furrow and knit together. He’s being paranoid again, but he has a reason to be, he thinks.
Then, the unexpected happens and he feels something soft and petal-like make contact with his lips. His eyes widen when he takes in fully what happens, and everything happens and ends too fast for him to react more. He stares at Jae Joong with a question mark on his face.
“I knew you were being paranoid again,” Jae Joong chuckles softly, and it brings a light smile upon Yun Ho’s lips.
“Does this mean we get to see each other more often from now on?” Yun Ho says more than asks, and Jae Joong smiles in return.
“Definitely.”
Yun Ho reciprocates Jae Joong’s smile and makes a mental note to thank Ji Hye for coming back from Paris so unexpectedly.
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