Toro Nagashi [Part 2]
Title: 灯籠流し: Toro Nagashi
Author: tvfxq
Betas: muramatsu_aoi, little_passions
Pairing: YunJae
Rating: PG 13
Genre: AU, Romance, Drama, Fluff, Historical
Length: One-Shot
Disclaimer: Any similarities to other fics, stories, movies, events, and anything else of the like are purely coincidental.
Summary: Yun Ho promised himself he would find the boy who had taken his heart, and he would do whatever it would take - even if it meant finding him again in another life.
a/n.: this is the fic that I promised ouji
灯籠流し: Toro Nagashi
Vocabulary:
Chochin - A paper lantern participants of Toro Nagashi float down rivers/seas.
Furisode - A style of kimono distinguishable among others by its long sleeves. Also the most formal style of kimono worn by unmarried women in Japan, and commonly rented, borrowed, or bought by parents for their daughters to wear when celebrating the year they turn 20.
Hachigatsu Bon - (Bon in August) The most commonly celebrated time of Obon.
Obon - (Also known as ‘Bon Festival’) A Japanese Buddhist custom to honor the spirits of one’s ancestors. Nowadays, Obon is mostly a family reunion holiday during which people return to ancestral family places and visit and clean their ancestors’ graves.
Toro Nagashi - (Lantern offerings to the water) A widely celebrated Japanese ceremony in which participants float paper lanterns down a sea or river. Primarily done on the last evening of Obon.
灯籠流し。
The next night, Yun Ho’s heart was heavy. Every step he took seemed to encumber him, and he didn’t know how he could bear to part with Jae Joong after that night. He wanted nothing more than to pretend like it was just another night for the two of them.
Yun Ho didn’t know what to do. He felt almost like crying as he neared his neighbor’s home, and as he drew closer, it was as though grief had threatened to take hold of him completely.
Then he caught sight of Jae Joong staring at his feet, waiting for him; bathed under the light of the moon clad in a black kimono, and his troubles momentarily escaped him. His heart skipped a beat and his lips curved into a smile.
Jae Joong was beautiful.
“Jae Joong…” he whispered as he drew closer; words audible to just the two of them. The aforementioned male shifted his gaze from his feet to Yun Ho and took a few steps forward. “That kimono suits you. You look beautiful in it.”
“Thank you.” He said, “My mother gave it to me when I was little. She told me to use it when I’d be big enough to fit in it.” Jae Joong continued with a wan smile before he paused. At length, he spoke again, “Where are you taking me?”
Yun Ho reached out to cup Jae Joong’s cheek, before tucking back a strand of his hair. “To a place I frequent often when I feel that my heart needs to be at ease.” He replied, and Jae Joong slowly nodded. He took hold of Jae Joong’s hand, and began to lead him somewhere. By the time they were halfway there, Jae Joong stopped in his tracks and spoke.
“Yun Ho, wait.” He said, and Yun Ho turned to meet his gaze. “When we get there… will you finally tell me what’s bothering you?”
Yun Ho could only smile wanly and nod his head. “I promise.”
Jae Joong smiled faintly at him, and Yun Ho took it as a signal to continue walking again. A little while after, they finally reached their destination. Yun Ho had led Jae Joong to a hill overlooking the area they lived in, and right in the center of the hill stood a big tree.
“It’s beautiful here,” Jae Joong said in awe as he looked over the hill. He looked up, extended his arms skywards and his smile stretched further, “the stars feel closer to me.” He placed his arms back down to his side and turned to face Yun Ho, “It’s beautiful.” he repeated.
“Isn’t it?” Yun Ho chuckled lightly before taking a seat under the tree in the center of the hill. He patted the empty space beside him, gesturing for Jae Joong to sit beside him. The latter walked over to where he sat and knelt down beside him.
For a moment, things were silent. Yun Ho stared into the distance, thinking of everything and nothing, and Jae Joong stared at Yun Ho, trying to figure out what was going on in the latter’s mind. At length, Yun Ho sighed and began to speak.
“They’ve talked to me about it, my parents.” Yun Ho said lowly before turning to face Jae Joong with a sad smile on his face, “They want me to get married already.”
Jae Joong remained silent for a moment, before he plastered a huge smile on his face and beamed at Yun Ho, “That’s… that’s good news, isn’t it? You should be happy.”
“How can I be happy when they are forcing me to be with someone I do not even love for the rest of my life?”
“Have you actually met the girl your parents want you to marry?” Jae Joong questioned, and Yun Ho paused. After a brief moment of silence, Yun Ho shook his head. “Then how do you know that you will not be happy? Marriage is a beautiful thing. You should not see it any other way.”
“If I agree to this marriage, I will no longer be able to see you.”
“…Even if you were not getting married, our meetings would eventually have to come to an end. Yun Ho, perhaps you should just-“
“Do you want me to get married?” Yun Ho interjected, hands reaching out to clasp onto Jae Joong’s smaller ones, “Is it truly what you wish for me?”
Jae Joong smiled wanly and stared at his hands. Silence fell between the two of them, and the sounds of cicadas singing in the background could barely be heard as Yun Ho waited for Jae Joong to speak. “Do I want you to get married? If I were to speak out of the selfishness of my own heart,” he finally began, “then my answer would be no. Instead, I would ask you not to marry. I would ask you to remain by my side.”
“Jae Joong-“
“However, you also asked if it is what I wish for you. In that case, my answer would be yes. Because in the long run, I know that I will not be the best for you.” He continued, “I cannot take the place of a woman; I cannot bear children. You deserve all the happiness this world can give, but Yun Ho, with me, I am uncertain of whether or not I can provide you with that happiness. You deserve a family and I cannot give you that. There are so many things that I cannot give-“
“Do not think that way, stop.” Yun Ho placed his finger over Jae Joong’s lips and effectively silenced him. Everything fell silent, and Yun Ho then slowly pulled his finger away. “Do you think I approached you that night on Toro Nagashi thinking of what you can give me?”
Jae Joong remained silent and seeing as he did not respond, Yun Ho continued to speak, “Fate is… a complex thing, don’t you think? It is rather difficult to comprehend in the sense that we can never really guess who we are supposed to meet, and we have no control over the way things are supposed happen.” he paused, turning his eyes to meet Jae Joong’s. “Why do you think we met for a second time on Toro Nagashi?”
“Coincidence.” Jae Joong mumbled, and Yun Ho shook his head.
“No, meeting you on the first day of Obon was a coincidence, but meeting you a second, and even a third time without even trying to was fate.” He reached out to brush Jae Joong’s hair back with his before he continued, “Fate brought us together, and for that, I know there must have been a reason.”
“What is the reason, then?” Jae Joong questioned softly, turning his head to the side to stare emptily at the scenery before him.
“To love each other.” Yun Ho answered, and Jae Joong quickly turned to look at him with wide eyes. “At least, that is what I think.”
Jae Joong felt a familiar prickling sensation from behind his eyes, and he immediately lowered his head so as to not meet Yun Ho’s gaze. He was uncertain of how much longer he could prevent himself from breaking down, and he didn’t know what he could possibly say that would not lead him into falling apart.
“Perhaps you are right.” He mumbled softly, almost inaudibly, and had it not been for their proximity, perhaps his words would have gone unheard.
Yun Ho squeezed his hands tightly, and Jae Joong felt tears escape his eyes and slowly roll down his cheeks. “It has not been so long yet, but I love you. I love you so much that it pains me.”
Yun Ho wiped away the tears from Jae Joong’s cheeks and reached out to pull him into a gentle embrace, “Please don’t cry.” He held him tighter, “Don’t cry.”
Jae Joong let out a stifled sob, and once more, Yun Ho tightened his embrace. Upon doing so, Yun Ho felt Jae Joong flinch rather violently in his embrace, and immediately, he pulled away. His eyebrows knitted together and stared at Jae Joong with worry evident all over his face, “What’s wrong?”
Jae Joong moved away from Yun Ho and wiped away the remaining tears in his eyes, “Nothing, I’m sorry.”
“How can you expect me to believe that?” Yun Ho questioned, moving slightly closer to Jae Joong, “Something is wrong, and you have to tell me.”
“I am all right-“
“Show me your back.” Yun Ho interjected, and Jae Joong paled.
He grew silent, and it only made Yun Ho determined afresh and more eager to know what exactly it was that was wrong. “You were so eager to know what it was that was troubling me,” he said as he reached out to hold onto Jae Joong’s hands, “so please do not expect me to be any less eager to know what the matter is with you.”
Jae Joong remained silent and lowered his head to look at his hands in Yun Ho’s. All he ever wanted for Yun Ho was happiness; he’d never wanted to see the other worried or troubled or confused, and it was only then that he realized that his attempts at sparing Yun Ho from any worries were failing and if anything, only making the other even more distraught.
It was not an easy decision for him to make, but if there was anything Jae Joong knew about love, it was that trust was its best foundation. He wanted to entrust himself completely to Yun Ho without any fear or apprehension, and he’d decided to take that first step.
He closed his eyes and let out a soft sigh. When he opened them again, he turned to face Yun Ho with a wan smile on his face and slowly nodded his head.
Yun Ho mirrored Jae Joong’s faint smile; completely understanding everything Jae Joong was trying to tell him without having to hear any words. He let go of the other boy’s hands and repositioned himself so that he was now in a kneeling position behind Jae Joong.
He loosened Jae Joong’s obi and slowly pulled his kimono down; making sure that it remained pooled at his waist. The next thing he saw made him gasp in alarm.
Numerous dark bruises and swollen lashes spanned his back, all the way from his shoulders down to his waist. They were darker than any contusion Yun Ho had ever seen in his life, and had the moon not been full and exceptionally bright that night, perhaps he would not have been able to see them.
“He did this to you, didn’t he?” Yun Ho questioned angrily as he ran his fingers gently across the other’s back. Jae Joong kept silent; at length he slowly nodded.
“I wish I could have protected you from this.” Yun Ho muttered before drawing his hand away from Jae Joong’s back. He held up the upper half of Jae Joong’s kimono to help the other put it back on. “The other bruises,” he began once he had gone back to his position beside Jae Joong, “those were all from him too, weren’t they?”
Once more, Jae Joong nodded. Yun Ho let out an exasperated sigh.
“Letting you sleep outside was a horrid thing enough for him to have done. But this, this is much worse. You don’t deserve any of it, Jae Joong, and I do not wish for you to endure him and his ways any longer.” Yun Ho reached a hand out and let it rest atop Jae Joong’s lap. The other stared at it for a brief moment before looking up to meet Yun Ho’s gaze. “Let’s escape all of this, Jae Joong.”
Jae Joong furrowed his eyebrows, “What do you mean?”
“I mean, let’s run away together.” Yun Ho elucidated, retracting the hand he had on Jae Joong’s lap. He looked away from Jae Joong momentarily and stared up at the full moon in the cloudless night sky. At length, he turned his head back to glance at the other boy. “I no longer will have to endure a marriage I do not wish for myself, and you will finally be free of Mr. Takahashi. Moreover, we will be together. Happily, might I add.”
Jae Joong inhaled and exhaled loudly. While the prospect of eloping with Yun Ho was very much attractive, he was still aware of the repercussions it could lead to. It wasn’t himself he was worried about, for running away meant he would have nothing to lose. What concerned him were the things Yun Ho would have to give up just for them to be together - his home, his parents, his sister, his future. As much as he wanted to be selfish and easily agree, his love for Yun Ho held him back. He did not want him to have to give up so many in exchange for a lifetime with him.
“It would not be right for you to leave everything you have behind, Yun Ho, what of your family? Running away is not the right choice.” Jae Joong muttered. He tried to appear deadpan, but his eyes easily gave him away. Yun Ho leaned closer to him and pressed a soft kiss upon his forehead. When he pulled away, his eyes met with Jae Joong’s and his lips stretched into a small smile.
“Sometimes the right choice is not always the best choice, Jae Joong.” He said gently, “I am aware of everything I am to give up, but trust me when I say that what I will gain after is more than I can ever hope for.”
“But Yun Ho-“
“Focus on yourself for a change, and not me.” Yun Ho interjected slowly before he reached out to tuck back a strand of Jae Joong’s hair. “You are too selfless, Jae Joong.”
“I’m sorry.” Jae Joong whispered, and Yun Ho pulled him into the comfort of his embrace; holding him lightly and gently to avoid hurting him.
“Don’t apologize.” Yun Ho murmured as he gently caressed the other’s hair, “Just… say you will run away with me.”
Jae Joong nodded and melted into Yun Ho’s warmth. For a moment he wondered if he would be able to stay in Yun Ho’s embrace forever, and his lips curled into a soft smile when he realized that perhaps he would.
灯籠流し。
“When would you like to leave?” Yun Ho questioned when he and Jae Joong reached the front of Mr. Takahashi’s house.
“The sooner the better.” Jae Joong paused, “Tomorrow afternoon, at around lunch, Mr. Takahashi has an appointment. Right after he leaves, I can meet you and we can leave together.”
“All right.” Yun Ho nodded and he reached out to hold both Jae Joong’s hands. “Meet me in the same place we were earlier.”
Jae Joong nodded his head and leaned up to boldly kiss Yun Ho lightly on his lips when he pulled away he murmured, “I will. I promise.”
Yun Ho chuckled and bent down to capture Jae Joong’s lips in his. His kiss was a little bit more forceful than Jae Joong’s, but was gentle nonetheless. “Go in and change out of your kimono.” He said when they drew away, and Jae Joong nodded; unwillingly pulling his hands away from Yun Ho’s and entering like he was told to.
灯籠流し。
Jae Joong entered the house as quietly as he could, making sure not to make a single noise as he headed in the direction of the servants’ quarters, where his clothes were. Slowly, he slid the door to the servants’ quarters open, and when he turned to close it, a voice from behind him startled him.
“So you and the Harada boy have plans of eloping, hm? And you are wearing your special kimono, too.” Mr. Takahashi hummed rather calmly as he sat cross-legged on what was supposed to be Jae Joong’s bed, and it scared him. The only time Mr. Takahashi’s voice was ever calm was when he had plans of executing something terrible, and Jae Joong felt a cold shiver run up his spine.
He knew something horrible was imminent.
“Mr. Takahashi, I-“
“Why, Jae Joong, there is no need for you to explain anything to me,” he said, voice as calm as ever as he motioned to stand up, “I understand things quite perfectly.”
Mr. Takahashi straightened the collar of his yukata and brushed his knees of any lint. He meandered over to where Jae Joong stood rigid and placed a hand over the latter’s shoulder, squeezing it a little too painfully.
Jae Joong hissed lowly when he felt Mr. Takahashi’s fingers press on an area of bruises behind his shoulders, and the man grinned. “You are in love with that boy and you wish to leave this place. But you know, Jae Joong, love is a foolish endeavor. I do hope you have not yet invested yourself in it too much.”
He squeezed Jae Joong’s shoulder even harder and waited for the boy to cry out in pain before finally letting go and placing his hand back down to his side. “You wanted to leave tomorrow?” he questioned rhetorically, “Then tomorrow you shall leave.”
Mr. Takahashi walked a few steps forward and slid the door open, “Do not sleep outside tonight.” He told Jae Joong before closing the door, locking it from the outside, and disappearing, leaving the boy alone in the darkness of the servants’ quarters.
Jae Joong stood still in his position, trying to figure out what had just happened. He had expected a beating, but he hadn’t received anything other than a cruel pressure on his bruises. He turned his head to the side and stared at the moon’s silver light that was just barely spilling into the room through the window.
He had been told that he would be leaving the following day; however, he knew that he would not be leaving in the same manner he had planned.
灯籠流し。
Yun Ho crossed his arms and leaned against the tree that stood in the middle of the hill. He looked up at the sky and noticed how its once pure blue color had been tinged with red. He sighed.
Jae Joong had promised to meet him hours earlier, but there had been not a single sign of him. Thrice he had gone over to Mr. Takahashi’s house, searching for the boy as inconspicuous as he deemed possible; but his efforts had been proven fruitless when Jae Joong remained nowhere to be found.
“Perhaps I should search for him one more time.” Yun Ho soliloquized, but before he could say or do anything further, he heard the sound of shuffling and footsteps and immediately, his heart leapt in his chest.
“Jae Joong!” he exclaimed as he hurried towards where the sounds of footsteps were coming from, but when he ended up face to face with a young girl clad in a bright yellow kimono, his face fell and his heart died a little bit. “I… I am sorry. I thought you were-“
“Forgive me for interrupting,” the girl spoke in a soft manner, eyes not meeting Yun Ho’s “but you are Yun Ho, am I correct?”
“Yes…” Yun Ho nodded slowly as his eyebrows furrowed. Immediately he began to wonder who the girl before him was.
“My name is Takahashi Naoko,” she said, answering Yun Ho’s unspoken question. He felt a little bit at ease then, for he had remembered Jae Joong speaking of her, mentioning of her kindness towards the latter. “I apologize for arriving only now. It took me a while to find this place Jae Joong had told me.”
Upon the mention of Jae Joong’s name, Yun Ho’s heart skipped a beat. “Where is he?” he questioned, “Where is Jae Joong?”
Naoko stared down at the ground, deferring her reply momentarily. She lifted her head up, but her eyes remained lowered and at length said, “He is not coming.”
“Why is he-“
“Father sold him this morning to a man.” She explained, and Yun Ho felt as though he had just been struck. He could feel a myriad of emotions rising to the surface, and he did not know what further to say.
“My father is a cruel man.” Naoko spoke again, seeing as Yun Ho was at a loss for words. “He will sell anybody in a heartbeat if it meant he could benefit from it or if it would provide him with a sort of warped satisfaction. He would even sell me, if he wished to.”
Yun Ho did not know what to do, and he could feel his emotions running amok inside of him. He felt like crying until he could cry no more, but he knew his tears would never be enough. He felt like screaming until his throat bled, but he knew it would never change the course of events.
He dropped onto his knees and carded both hands through his hair, “I… I told him once that I wanted to protect him, but look at what has happened. I rescued him from nothing. I protected him from nothing.” He could feel tears prickling at the corner of his eyes, and he gritted his teeth, “I was useless.” Yun Ho barely let out.
“That is not true, you were not useless. You brought Jae Joong happiness; I saw it in his eyes.” Naoko spoke, reaching out to barely touch Yun Ho’s shoulder, and retrieving her hand immediately when Yun Ho turned his head to look at her. He removed his hands from his hair and stood up as he watched Naoko reach into her kimono and take out a small piece of folded paper.
“Jae Joong… before he left,” she said as she handed the folded paper over to Yun Ho, “he wrote a letter and requested me to find you in order for you to read it.”
Yun Ho took the letter in his hands and slowly unfolded it. His hands were shaking and he gripped the letter tightly as he read Jae Joong’s letter
ユンホさん。
Yun Ho.
こうなってしまって、本当に残念だね。また別の人生で合えるかもしれないけど。今は俺を待たないでくれ。
I’m sorry it turned out this way. We will meet again, in another life perhaps. For now, please do not wait for me.
愛してるよ。 申し訳ありません。
I love you. I’m sorry.
ジェジュン。
Jae Joong.
He read the letter once more, and then another time before gripping the piece of paper in his hands even tighter and pressing it against his chest. He closed his eyes and imagined that Jae Joong was in his embrace, and his lips curled ever so slightly. When he opened his eyes they were glassy.
“Thank you for what you have done for both me and Jae Joong.” He said to Naoko, bowing his head. “At least I have something I can properly remember him by.”
“I only wish I could have somehow done more,” she whispered before reciprocating Yun Ho’s bow. “I shall be leaving now. Should my father find out that I-“
“Go.” Yun Ho interrupted, “I am aware of the things your father is capable of doing.”
Naoko bowed once more and turned on her heel before walking back in the direction she had come from, disappear into the distance.
Yun Ho let out a heavy sigh when she had fully gone and stared wistfully at the sky. The sun was already almost fully set by then, and he wondered at that moment if Jae Joong could see it too. “How am I going to live without you now?”
He meandered over back to where the tree stood in the center of the hill and sat down. “I will surely find you,” Yun Ho said to nobody, but his eyes were still directed at the sky, “be it in this life or another.”
灯籠流し。
August, 2012 - Hachigatsu Bon.
Somehow, everything felt familiar.
Yun Ho furrowed his eyebrows as he stared at the Sumida River. Paper lanterns were floating everywhere, and a multitude of different families were all gathered in the river, offering silent prayers as they watched their lanterns float away.
He turned to his best friend, Yoo Chun, who was busying himself with observing everyone in the river, and nudged his side. Yoo Chun looked at him with a cocked eyebrow, “What?”
“Doesn’t this sight feel somewhat… familiar to you?” Yun Ho asked, and the expression on his face reflected just how much he was trying to remember something he could not. “Doesn’t it feel like we’ve been here before?”
Yoo Chun chuckled and patted Yun Ho’s shoulder, “Dude, it’s like, our first time being in Japan. You’re probably just experiencing déjà vu.”
“You’re most likely right,” Yun Ho laughed, and he turned his head to the side. He didn’t know why, but his heart felt like it was searching for something, for someone in the crowd. His eyes scanned briefly over everybody in the area, and he sighed before turning to face forward again.
I don’t know what it is I’m looking for. Yun Ho thought to himself. He turned his head to his side once more, and that was when he saw him.
From a short distance Yun Ho spotted a boy clad in a simple yukata like everyone else, floating a paper lantern into the river. The boy seemed to look unreal to him - so beautiful, and so dreamlike. His skin was so obviously white and looked to be as smooth as a rose’s petal. His hair was darker than the night itself, and his eyes… somehow Yun Ho saw something very familiar in them, like he had gazed into them before and had once already drowned in their depths.
“Hey, Yoo Chun, I’ll be back, all right?” Yun Ho told his friend before walking straight into the water, not even waiting to hear Yoo Chun’s reply. As he drew closer, he felt his heart beat faster, and he felt nervous; like he was seeing someone he hadn’t seen in a while again for the first time.
“Hi, my name is Yun Ho.” he greeted with a small wave of his hand as he approached the ethereal boy, and at that moment he was so grateful that his parents had made him take up Japanese as an elective.
The boy, whose eyes had been fixated on the lantern he’d just floated, looked up at Yun Ho and stared at him for a moment. At length, a smile formed on his lips and he stretched out his hand, “Jae Joong.”
Yun Ho mirrored Jae Joong’s smile and took his hand in his, and at that moment - the moment their hands touched - Yun Ho felt an overwhelming wave of fulfillment wash over him.
His eyes met with Jae Joong’s and at that moment he knew - he just knew - that Jae Joong felt the same way too.
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