Trains, Books and Strangers
Title: Trains, Books and Strangers
Author: tvfxq
Rating: PG 13
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Genre: Romance
Length: One-shot
Disclaimer: This story was inspired (but not patterned after) pretty much by this photo, as well as Kisa and Yukina’s story in Sekaiichi Hatsukoi. Similarities to other stories are purely coincidental.
Summary: Somewhere in the midst of train rides, thick books and stolen glances, Yunho falls in love.
Poster made by jejungie
The first time Yunho sees him, they’re on the train.
It’s a quarter past two in the morning and his eyes could not get any redder. But somehow the sight of him with his wide eyes focused so passionately on the pages of a thick, old book doesn’t allow him to even blink. And as tired as he is, guess what? He doesn’t mind. Doesn’t mind at all.
--
The next time Yunho sees him, they’re still on the train.
This time it’s half past three in the afternoon of the same day, and his eyes are wide awake. The stranger is reading a book again - perhaps the same one; Yunho isn’t sure. All he knows is that it’s thick and it’s old and a few pages are sticking out; but despite that the stranger seems to be enjoying its story and Yunho thinks, yes, that’s all that matters.
The train comes to a temporary stop and doors from either side of the train open with a hiss. Hundreds of people flood inside and out, and Yunho watches as the stranger quietly closes his book, clutches the strap of his bag and exits along with the rest of the people.
Somehow, he just manages to stand out.
--
The stranger’s name is Kim Jaejoong. Yunho knows this because they’ve ridden the same train at the same time (at a quarter past two in the morning, and half past three in the afternoon) so often he’s heard him say so himself (“Hello? Yes, this is Kim Jaejoong speaking.”).
Each time Yunho sees him, Jaejoong is reading a book. Usually they’re thick and old and tearing at the sides, but the emotions that display on his face and the way that his eyes light up each time he flips a page tells Yunho that they’re good books nonetheless.
All the while Yunho wishes to talk to him. To strike up a conversation; to broach topics interesting enough for Jaejoong to want to keep talking and talking to him. But a voice in his head tells him, “If he wants to talk to you, he will.” And so he doesn’t. He doesn’t speak to him, and as each day passes by, Yunho has to endure wondering what things would be like if he decided to put himself out there.
Some days hurt more than the others.
--
He works at a bookstore, the biggest in Seoul, part-time. It isn’t the most exciting job in the world watching people walk in and out of the glass doors, climbing up and down the different flights of stairs, going through different kinds of books. It isn’t the most exciting job in the world staying behind a cash register, scanning prices and printing receipts. But the moment Kim Jaejoong walks through the glass doors of the bookstore, curious eyes trailing across the wide array of books; Yunho swears, it’s the best job in the world.
Jaejoong walks over to the most unvisited part of the entire bookstore. The part of the bookstore wherein the shelves have practically been untouched since the first day the store was put up. There all the books with the dullest of covers sit, waiting for fingers to gently graze their spines, for people to tilt them slightly, to browse through them briefly. In his two years of working at the bookstore, Yunho thinks, it’s probably the first time those books were even touched.
It’s the dullest and darkest part of the bookstore, situated all the way in the farthest corner, but the way Jaejoong’s eyes shimmer as he browses through all the books makes Yunho reconsider his thoughts. Maybe the books are underrated. Maybe they aren’t as bad as they come off to be.
He finds a reason to walk over to an area near where Jaejoong is, and all the while, he stares at his face. The sharpness and smoothness of it; its contrasting features. The red against creamy ivory. Yunho finds another reason to stare just a little bit longer than usual.
Time passes a little bit too quickly, and before Yunho even knows it, Jaejoong is walking away from where he stands and is heading towards the exit. If he could run after him and stop him; hold him and make him stay a little bit longer, he would. But he has no good reason to. And so, just as it is every day, Yunho quietly watches as Jaejoong disappears right before him.
--
Days go by, and nothing really changes. Yunho sees Jaejoong on the train, reading another one of his books. And, as usual, Jaejoong does not notice him.
Yunho’s gotten used to it, though; going unnoticed.
This time, Yunho catches a glimpse of the title of the book Jaejoong’s reading. Chasing Cascades, it says. He wonders what it’s about. In his mind he imagines himself standing up and walking over to Jaejoong, who sits in front of him; two seats to the left. He imagines himself taking the empty seat right beside him and saying, “Hi, I’m Yunho.” He imagines himself talking to Jaejoong about the book, about its title; its story. But when the train swerves and takes him by surprise, he’s crashed back to reality and dragged out of his thoughts.
He glances up at Jaejoong, who tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, unperturbed, and thinks to himself, “How can I?”
Yes, how can he?
He’s a stranger. Just a stranger. And probably, for the rest of his life, that’s all he’s ever going to be to Jaejoong - a nameless stranger. It’s a cold and bitter reality, but it’s something he just has to face. Something he has to accept. What other option does he have anyway?
The train swerves again, and Yunho settles for watching Jaejoong across his seat.
--
It takes another three days for Jaejoong to enter the bookstore again. Yunho watches as the wind ruffles Jaejoong’s hair gently as he pushes the glass doors open. He watches as Jaejoong walks over to that same, rarely visited place and wallows in all the books there are.
He finds yet another reason to go near to where Jaejoong is. He does things like arrange books and check for prices, just so that he could have a better look at the oblivious man, happy to just be surrounded by something he seems to love so much. The longer he stares, the more he notices him. He finds that Jaejoong is beautiful, but not girly beautiful. He’s beautiful in that quiet way unnoticed people are beautiful to those who notice them. The kind of beautiful that makes you think and makes you appreciate. The kind of beautiful that says that there’s more; you just have to delve in deeper.
Yunho sighs and thinks to himself, if he could spend his entire time looking at Jaejoong, he would. Because Jaejoong has a face one can never get tired of. A face that pulls you in, and makes you feel like you’re looking at it for the very first time each time. Like there’s always something new. Like there’s always something there.
He continues watching; peeping at him by tipping a few books that sit on certain shelves that block his view. He watches - because that’s all he can do - as Jaejoong picks out a thick, plain-looking book from one of the shelves and proceeds to the counter. He takes his time walking, and that’s a good thing - for Yunho, at least - because it gives the latter enough time (with a few seconds to spare) to rush to the counter and push his co-worker away from the cash register, so that he could be the one to handle Jaejoong’s purchase.
“Do you want to have this wrapped?” he asks; the first words he’s ever spoken to Jaejoong. Somehow, he feels proud that he did not swallow his words.
Jaejoong looks up at him and flashes him that gorgeous smile of his. The kind of smile that reflects in his eyes. He, however, shakes his head and replies, “No, no thank you.”
It wasn’t the conversation he was hoping for, but Yunho settles for that and nods his head as he quietly picks up the book to scan its price. Chasing Cascades, he notices. It gets him curious and he wants to ask, “Weren’t you just reading this book?” but he realizes how inappropriate asking would be. They don’t even know each other. Jaejoong doesn’t even notice him sitting opposite him on the train every day.
Of course he doesn’t. Why would he?
--
He finds Jaejoong reading a different book the next time he sees him on the train - Under the Moon this time. Like all the other books he’s been reading, it’s old and thick, pages are sticking out and its cover is dull and fading, but Jaejoong’s eyes light up brighter each time he flips a page. Yunho thinks, he must really love that book.
Jaejoong’s silent enthusiasm brings a smile to his lips.
--
The next time Jaejoong visits the bookstore, he accidentally bumps into a shelf on his way to the darkest and loneliest area he seems to love so much. Subsequently, a couple of books come toppling down to the floor, and Yunho thinks, it’s an opportunity for him to go over and help him pick up the fallen books; perhaps start a conversation, but by the time he’s even halfway there, he ends up being too late.
He watches silently, dejectedly, as a stranger nearby picks up one book, and as Jaejoong picks up the other. The latter nods gratefully and the stranger walks away.
And then it hits him - a wave of realization coupled with sadness hits him. He looks up at Jaejoong and his lips curl downward. It isn’t because of the fact that he’s missed an opportunity, but because there was no opportunity to begin with. Even if it were he who helped Jaejoong, things would have been the same - the same nod and a quiet “thank you.” And that would be all. Because he’s a stranger to Jaejoong; he’s thought of it a thousand times but that is what he is - a stranger; just as how Jaejoong is a stranger to him.
Depressing, isn’t it? When one spends hours and hours on a person, trying to know more, trying to be more, and everything falls fruitless. Because at the end of the day, nothing changes. Strangers remain strangers and facts remain facts.
Yunho turns on his heel and slowly begins to meander over back to behind the counter; and as he walks, he thinks, wonders why Jaejoong has such an effect on him. Why he feels so sad when a day passes by without him talking to him; sometimes even without seeing him. He pauses and a thought sails through his mind: maybe he’s in love. Maybe he’s in love with a stranger.
He chuckles humorlessly to himself and shakes his head, no, he thinks. He’s in love with the idea of loving this stranger. There is a huge part of him that knows the bitter truth that he and Jaejoong will never be. But then there is this other part of him that holds onto this faint strand of hope that maybe, he and Jaejoong could be- perhaps, if the circumstances were right.
But the circumstances are never right, and he knows they never will be right. “So maybe it’d be best to stop.” Yunho mumbles quietly to himself. He looks back at Jaejoong, browsing through books with eyes that light up like candles in the dark. He ends up smiling.
Nonetheless, that strand of hope remains.
--
Jaejoong purchases Under the Moon after some days pass.
It’s pouring really hard outside and he didn’t bring an umbrella with him. Inwardly, he grumbles about how inaccurate the weather forecast was and wonders how he’s going to make it to the train station without getting soaked to the bone.
All the while, Yunho watches. It takes some time, but he finally musters up the courage to walk up to Jaejoong and give him his umbrella, which he had been keeping behind the counter for so long.
“You can borrow this.” He tells Jaejoong with a soft smile (you can keep it if you like, he thinks).
Jaejoong looks up at him, wide eyes flashing with a mixture of surprise and something Yunho can’t quite place. “No, thank you. I’ll be fine.”
And as if on cue, thunder sounds and lightning flashes as clouds scud frantically across the sky; making him jump in his boots. He looks up at Yunho, still standing with that same soft smile stretched across his face, and thinks that maybe he should accept after all.
Gingerly stretching out his hands, Jaejoong thanks him and apologizes to Yunho a million times before leaving and disappearing into the cold, wet distance.
Yunho’s smile never leaves; instead, it stretches further. Even if their conversation was not very good, even if Jaejoong talked to Yunho the part-time bookstore employee, and not Yunho the person, his happiness surges forth.
That night, he falls asleep with a smile on his face.
--
It takes two days for Jaejoong to return the umbrella, and when he does, he doesn’t forget to thank Yunho and apologize, again, for any inconvenience he could have caused. He doesn’t stay long, though; doesn’t even look at books. Yunho deduces that he must be in a hurry, though smiles when he thinks about how Jaejoong dropped by for the sole purpose of returning his umbrella, despite what he thinks is a busy schedule.
It’s shallow, but it makes him happy nonetheless.
Later on while riding the train, Jaejoong falls asleep, and Yunho silently watches him, as always. There aren’t many people on- just him and Jaejoong and a handful of other passengers.
The train comes to a temporary stop at length and its doors open with a hiss. It’s Jaejoong’s stop. Yunho knows this because he’s watched Jaejoong countless of times; so much so that he knows at which stop he gets off- two stops before his. A couple of people exit wordlessly, the stress of earlier that day probably taking a toll on them, and a couple of equally tired people enter; all the while, Yunho sees that Jaejoong hasn’t woken yet, and so, with the little confidence he’s managed to collect, he stands up and walks over to where Jaejoong sits sleeping and gently taps his shoulder until his eyes flutter open.
“Sorry to wake you, but this is your stop, isn’t it?”
It takes a while for Jaejoong to realize his surroundings, and with a muffled curse, he quickly grabs his bag and stands up; only for one of his books to come falling and crashing onto the floor. Yunho hunkers down to his knees and picks it up for Jaejoong, but by the time the latter gets his book back, the doors close and the train starts moving.
Jaejoong just missed his stop.
He sits back down before he can fall and curses himself and his luck. Jaejoong voices out - not to anyone in particular - that he doesn’t know how to get home anymore. He’s never missed his stop before.
It is in that moment that Yunho musters up the courage to tell him that he gets off two stops after his, and that he’s pretty much familiar with Seoul, more or less. “I could help you get home, if you like.”
Jaejoong eyes him with suspicion; unsure whether or not he can trust Yunho. Yunho, of course, is aware of all of Jaejoong’s suspicions. Who would trust a stranger, after all? No one in his right mind, that’s for sure. Though, somewhere inside of him, Yunho feels bad that Jaejoong doesn’t at least recognize him-after all the train rides after all the visits to the bookstore, after the umbrella incident just earlier that day.
But then Jaejoong says something along the lines of “you seem very familiar to me” and Yunho’s eyes light up like the Fourth of July. And so he allows Yunho to guide him-not home, but to a place familiar enough for him to make it back safely.
“Thank you for helping me, even though I’m a stranger to you.” Jaejoong says, just as they’re about to part, “But you’re not so much of a stranger, are you? You work at the bookstore, don’t you? The one who lent me the umbrella.”
Yunho’s lips stretch into a smile; happy that Jaejoong remembers even just that much. He says yes, and Jaejoong thanks him a thousand times. Not literally, but it sure feels that way.
--
The days that follow are the same as always-Jaejoong reads a new (old) book; a few days later, he buys it at the bookstore.
They share smiles now, because they are somehow already acquaintances; although Jaejoong still doesn’t know Yunho’s name, despite Yunho knowing Jaejoong’s. Other than that; however, nothing happens, and Yunho wishes something could happen but really, what can? He glances up and takes a look at Jaejoong’s face from across where he is seated on the train and thinks, nothing. Nothing could ever happen.
Then one day, something does happen.
Jaejoong walks up to Yunho while he’s working one day and asks what his favorite book is. Yunho is taken aback by it all - the suddenness of everything that he had always hoped could happen - and says the only thing that pops into his mind: A Milestone Away.
“Okay,” Jaejoong nods, “do you sell that book?”
Yunho nods, a little at a loss for words, and quietly brings him over to the aisle that has that book and all Jaejoong does is nod.
“Are you going to buy it?” Yunho asks.
“No,” Jaejoong replies. “Not yet, at least.”
--
The following day, Yunho finds that Jaejoong is reading the book he mentioned.
It’s an old, really beat up version of the book, but it’s the same book nonetheless and Yunho feels really glad that Jaejoong’s even reading it at all.
He stares at Jaejoong almost the entire train ride until the latter looks up from the book and their eyes meet. Yunho tries to look away, but he’s already been caught staring.
“Fuck.” Yunho curses inwardly. He must have seemed like a creep just now! However all his worries dissipate when Jaejoong smiles at him.
“This is a very good book,” Jaejoong says, “I like it.”
Yunho doesn’t know how to respond. He’s been waiting for a moment like this for so long, his tongue freezes in his mouth. He panics, then, and stutters, trying to say something, but he doesn’t manage to say anything comprehensible and Jaejoong ends up laughing and returning to the book.
The rest of the trip is ridden with a frown on his face; and Yunho ends up hating himself for ruining something that could have escalated into another thing.
--
That afternoon, Yunho is surprised to see Jaejoong standing in front of the counter with the book he, somehow, recommended in his hands.
“I liked it a lot.” Jaejoong tells him when Yunho scans its price.
“That’s good to know. It’s my favorite, after all.” Yunho replies, and Jaejoong shoots him a smile and leans on his arms against the counter, moving just a little bit closer to him.
“I know this sounds crazy, but do you want to go out some time?” Jaejoong practically blurts out, “We don’t even know each other’s names, but we do see each other on the train every day, and I’d really like to talk about books with you, because I haven’t been able to talk about them with anyone, and you know, you could say no and I would understand completely.”
All the while, Yunho stares at Jaejoong. Simply stares and does not give out a response.
Jaejoong smiles, not as brightly as earlier, and takes the book after he’s finished paying and tells him, with a voice a little lower than earlier, “All right, then. Sorry for freaking you out.”
It’s only when he is halfway across the bookstore, closer to the exit, that Yunho realizes what just happened; and so, deciding he’s been waiting for this for so long, he hops over the counter and calls out to him,
“Wait!” he cries out, just managing to catch Jaejoong before he leaves. “I’d love to go out and talk about books and you know what? Maybe we don’t even have to talk about books or even talk at all. I’d just really love to go out with you even only once and oh god; this must be getting really uncomfortable for you. Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll stop now.”
Jaejoong laughs - probably the first time Yunho’s ever heard him do so - and says something along the lines of him being really cute (or so he believes). “Would tomorrow be okay?”
“Any day is okay,” Yunho replies, sounding a little more eager than he would have liked, “where, though?”
Jaejoong doesn’t give him a concrete answer; however. He says they’ll see each other on the train the following day, anyway. He’ll find out then. Yunho nods, he doesn’t really care at the moment if Jaejoong is secretly planning to take him to an abandoned warehouse that reeks of fish and use him as a test subject for all sorts of inhumane projects; all that matters is that he’s going somewhere with Jaejoong. Just the two of them.
When Jaejoong leaves, Yunho watches his slowly fading back and feels that faint strand of hope he’s been holding onto growing a little bit stronger than usual.
--
The following day, when Jaejoong enters the train from his stop, he sits down beside Yunho and tells him that they’re getting off at the next stop. Yunho says okay. He’s fine with anything. He really is.
Jaejoong introduces himself, and Yunho says he knows. “I kind of heard you say your name some months back.” He explains. When Jaejoong grows quiet for a moment, Yunho fears he’s made himself look stupid so early in the morning, and so he stops talking and stares down at his feet.
At length, Jaejoong laughs and says he should have said something earlier.
“I didn’t know what to say,” Yunho admits, head bent down low in shame.
“How about your name?”
“Oh, it’s Yunho. Jung Yunho.”
Jaejoong leans back against his seat and closes his eyes for a moment. Yunho almost swears he hears Jaejoong mumbling that he likes the sound of his name. That, or he could have just been hoping.
They end up going to this hole-in the-wall café that Jaejoong once discovered by accident. It’s small but it’s cozy and it has a feeling of warmth surrounding it. At first Jaejoong starts talking about books, which reminds Yunho of something he’s been dying to ask. He wants to know why Jaejoong goes in and buys nothing. Then reads an old, tattered book and buys the book afterwards.
“I go to the bookstore to look at books, and when I see something that catches my interest, I go to the library and borrow that book.” Jaejoong explains, “If I find that the book is nice, I buy it. It’s my way of repaying the author for writing something so enjoyable. It isn’t much, but it’s all I can do.”
Yunho smiles. He says he finds it cute, somehow; only to find out that Jaejoong resents being affiliated with cute.
Their conversations digress here and there, and steer in all sorts of directions, until Jaejoong happens to mention that he’s into painting. Yunho then says he loves paintings. Not that he can paint, though. He just likes the way they look. Jaejoong’s eyes light up and he asks him if he wants to see some of his paintings. He’s an art major after all.
Yunho is more than happy to say yes.
--
Jaejoong brings Yunho to his place, even though he knows that it’s only their first time getting to know each other, and that he probably shouldn’t be letting people he barely knows into his apartment but everything about Yunho just says safe. That things with him are safe.
And so he lets Yunho into his apartment - it’s small and a little messy. There are canvasses everywhere - some on the floor and others on tables. Most of them aren’t even finished yet but the ones that are, are beautiful. They have a particular style to them; a particular feel that says this is Jaejoong. His paintings are a complicated contradiction of color - light and soft all at once and then rough and textured as though run through with the jagged shards of a broken heart.
All the while Jaejoong feels embarrassed, and goes on about how he doesn’t remember his apartment being so messy. Yunho laughs it off; however, and says he doesn’t mind.
It’s small and there are paintings and paint and paintbrushes all over the place but it’s cozy nonetheless and it gives him this feeling of home.
--
The next day they see each other on the train and they share a smile and a knowing look. In comparison to how things were before, Yunho’s made big progress.
They get off at different stops, but they see each other late in the afternoon - when Jaejoong visits the bookstore. They leave together afterwards and talk and talk until Jaejoong has to get off. Everything is more than Yunho could ever hope for. They’re not really dating; Yunho doesn’t even know if Jaejoong’s into guys or not, but they’re talking. They’re spending time together. They’re laughing together and Yunho feels that maybe that’s all that matters.
--
On one weekend while they’re at the café they first went to, a waitress introduces herself to Yunho and brazenly flirts with him. She laughs loudly and hits his shoulder playfully and lingers longer than she should. Yunho all the while responds to her gestures politely; not reciprocating them, but not rejecting them either. Jaejoong, meanwhile, treats her coldly until the moment she leaves.
That day, Yunho finds out Jaejoong is not interested in women.
On their way home later that night, on the train, Jaejoong kisses Yunho on the lips, right as he is about to get off. Yunho isn’t quick enough respond, and Jaejoong laughs it off and leaves before Yunho can.
--
The following morning Jaejoong takes a seat beside Yunho on the train apologizes for kissing him. He says he’s sorry for kissing him when he probably doesn’t even like guys. Yunho doesn’t really say anything, though, and so Jaejoong just quietly reads a book; the look on his face is a little bit less happy than he would normally have gone for.
At length; however, Yunho takes hold of Jaejoong’s face and presses his lips against his - never mind that there are many people - the last thing he wants Jaejoong to think is that he doesn’t like him, or his kiss.
After they pull away, Jaejoong smiles the whole ride long and they both ignore the disgusted stares and sneers thrown at them.
Screw them, Yunho thinks. He’s happy.
--
They kiss more often-when they see each other, first thing in the morning, on the train, when they see each other in the bookstore, when they’re in that secluded area of the bookstore Jaejoong loves so much.
Especially there.
Sometimes they just kiss and kiss until they hear the sounds of footsteps growing closer and closer. One time they nearly got caught.
Nearly.
They kiss while seeing each other off, when Jaejoong gets off at his stop. They kiss inside Jaejoong’s apartment; on the couch until they end up falling on the floor. They kiss until Jaejoong says “touch me” in between shaky whispers. They kiss in Jaejoong’s bedroom until their clothes come flying off and all that is left of them are ragged pants for breaths, mingling heartbeats and a burning desire for one another. They kiss until each of them falls off the extremities of sanity and pleasure, until either of them can move no more. They kiss until they’re wrapped in each other’s arms; until both fall into the depths of slumber.
And then one day Yunho wakes up in his own home, in his own bedroom; surrounded by nothing but coldness and silence.
His head feels fuzzy and things don’t seem real. At one point, he starts wondering if everything at all was real-the train rides, the bookstore incidents, the café and Jaejoong’s apartment. He wonders if what they had was even actually real, or if perhaps he’s just fallen so much in love with Jaejoong that he’s imagined the whole thing. And that the only thing that is real from his memory are the train rides that led to nowhere between the two of them.
But then his phone lights up and Jaejoong’s name is on the screen. In that moment, Yunho’s heart wears a smile. He picks up his phone and swipes his thumb across the screen.
“Yunho?”
“Yes?”
“You left your shirt in my bedroom again”
“Oh, really? Do you want me to go get it?”
“That’s exactly what you said the last time you left your shirt here, and now there are two shirts in my bedroom that belong to you.”
He laughs. “Do you want me to go get it or not?”
“Or course I want you to come. Why do you think I called?”
He laughs again. “All right, I’ll be there soon.”
“Okay. Bye”
“Wait, Jaejoong?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
Silence ensues for a moment and all Yunho hears is the sound of Jaejoong’s steady breathing. Maybe he’s said too much. Maybe he’s said things too soon. Maybe Jaejoong doesn’t feel the same way he does. All kinds of thoughts swarm into his mind, but disappear in an instant the moment he hears Jaejoong speak,
“I love you too.”
Yunho couldn’t have asked for anything more.
Author: tvfxq
Rating: PG 13
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Genre: Romance
Length: One-shot
Disclaimer: This story was inspired (but not patterned after) pretty much by this photo, as well as Kisa and Yukina’s story in Sekaiichi Hatsukoi. Similarities to other stories are purely coincidental.
Summary: Somewhere in the midst of train rides, thick books and stolen glances, Yunho falls in love.
Poster made by jejungie
The first time Yunho sees him, they’re on the train.
It’s a quarter past two in the morning and his eyes could not get any redder. But somehow the sight of him with his wide eyes focused so passionately on the pages of a thick, old book doesn’t allow him to even blink. And as tired as he is, guess what? He doesn’t mind. Doesn’t mind at all.
--
The next time Yunho sees him, they’re still on the train.
This time it’s half past three in the afternoon of the same day, and his eyes are wide awake. The stranger is reading a book again - perhaps the same one; Yunho isn’t sure. All he knows is that it’s thick and it’s old and a few pages are sticking out; but despite that the stranger seems to be enjoying its story and Yunho thinks, yes, that’s all that matters.
The train comes to a temporary stop and doors from either side of the train open with a hiss. Hundreds of people flood inside and out, and Yunho watches as the stranger quietly closes his book, clutches the strap of his bag and exits along with the rest of the people.
Somehow, he just manages to stand out.
--
The stranger’s name is Kim Jaejoong. Yunho knows this because they’ve ridden the same train at the same time (at a quarter past two in the morning, and half past three in the afternoon) so often he’s heard him say so himself (“Hello? Yes, this is Kim Jaejoong speaking.”).
Each time Yunho sees him, Jaejoong is reading a book. Usually they’re thick and old and tearing at the sides, but the emotions that display on his face and the way that his eyes light up each time he flips a page tells Yunho that they’re good books nonetheless.
All the while Yunho wishes to talk to him. To strike up a conversation; to broach topics interesting enough for Jaejoong to want to keep talking and talking to him. But a voice in his head tells him, “If he wants to talk to you, he will.” And so he doesn’t. He doesn’t speak to him, and as each day passes by, Yunho has to endure wondering what things would be like if he decided to put himself out there.
Some days hurt more than the others.
--
He works at a bookstore, the biggest in Seoul, part-time. It isn’t the most exciting job in the world watching people walk in and out of the glass doors, climbing up and down the different flights of stairs, going through different kinds of books. It isn’t the most exciting job in the world staying behind a cash register, scanning prices and printing receipts. But the moment Kim Jaejoong walks through the glass doors of the bookstore, curious eyes trailing across the wide array of books; Yunho swears, it’s the best job in the world.
Jaejoong walks over to the most unvisited part of the entire bookstore. The part of the bookstore wherein the shelves have practically been untouched since the first day the store was put up. There all the books with the dullest of covers sit, waiting for fingers to gently graze their spines, for people to tilt them slightly, to browse through them briefly. In his two years of working at the bookstore, Yunho thinks, it’s probably the first time those books were even touched.
It’s the dullest and darkest part of the bookstore, situated all the way in the farthest corner, but the way Jaejoong’s eyes shimmer as he browses through all the books makes Yunho reconsider his thoughts. Maybe the books are underrated. Maybe they aren’t as bad as they come off to be.
He finds a reason to walk over to an area near where Jaejoong is, and all the while, he stares at his face. The sharpness and smoothness of it; its contrasting features. The red against creamy ivory. Yunho finds another reason to stare just a little bit longer than usual.
Time passes a little bit too quickly, and before Yunho even knows it, Jaejoong is walking away from where he stands and is heading towards the exit. If he could run after him and stop him; hold him and make him stay a little bit longer, he would. But he has no good reason to. And so, just as it is every day, Yunho quietly watches as Jaejoong disappears right before him.
--
Days go by, and nothing really changes. Yunho sees Jaejoong on the train, reading another one of his books. And, as usual, Jaejoong does not notice him.
Yunho’s gotten used to it, though; going unnoticed.
This time, Yunho catches a glimpse of the title of the book Jaejoong’s reading. Chasing Cascades, it says. He wonders what it’s about. In his mind he imagines himself standing up and walking over to Jaejoong, who sits in front of him; two seats to the left. He imagines himself taking the empty seat right beside him and saying, “Hi, I’m Yunho.” He imagines himself talking to Jaejoong about the book, about its title; its story. But when the train swerves and takes him by surprise, he’s crashed back to reality and dragged out of his thoughts.
He glances up at Jaejoong, who tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, unperturbed, and thinks to himself, “How can I?”
Yes, how can he?
He’s a stranger. Just a stranger. And probably, for the rest of his life, that’s all he’s ever going to be to Jaejoong - a nameless stranger. It’s a cold and bitter reality, but it’s something he just has to face. Something he has to accept. What other option does he have anyway?
The train swerves again, and Yunho settles for watching Jaejoong across his seat.
--
It takes another three days for Jaejoong to enter the bookstore again. Yunho watches as the wind ruffles Jaejoong’s hair gently as he pushes the glass doors open. He watches as Jaejoong walks over to that same, rarely visited place and wallows in all the books there are.
He finds yet another reason to go near to where Jaejoong is. He does things like arrange books and check for prices, just so that he could have a better look at the oblivious man, happy to just be surrounded by something he seems to love so much. The longer he stares, the more he notices him. He finds that Jaejoong is beautiful, but not girly beautiful. He’s beautiful in that quiet way unnoticed people are beautiful to those who notice them. The kind of beautiful that makes you think and makes you appreciate. The kind of beautiful that says that there’s more; you just have to delve in deeper.
Yunho sighs and thinks to himself, if he could spend his entire time looking at Jaejoong, he would. Because Jaejoong has a face one can never get tired of. A face that pulls you in, and makes you feel like you’re looking at it for the very first time each time. Like there’s always something new. Like there’s always something there.
He continues watching; peeping at him by tipping a few books that sit on certain shelves that block his view. He watches - because that’s all he can do - as Jaejoong picks out a thick, plain-looking book from one of the shelves and proceeds to the counter. He takes his time walking, and that’s a good thing - for Yunho, at least - because it gives the latter enough time (with a few seconds to spare) to rush to the counter and push his co-worker away from the cash register, so that he could be the one to handle Jaejoong’s purchase.
“Do you want to have this wrapped?” he asks; the first words he’s ever spoken to Jaejoong. Somehow, he feels proud that he did not swallow his words.
Jaejoong looks up at him and flashes him that gorgeous smile of his. The kind of smile that reflects in his eyes. He, however, shakes his head and replies, “No, no thank you.”
It wasn’t the conversation he was hoping for, but Yunho settles for that and nods his head as he quietly picks up the book to scan its price. Chasing Cascades, he notices. It gets him curious and he wants to ask, “Weren’t you just reading this book?” but he realizes how inappropriate asking would be. They don’t even know each other. Jaejoong doesn’t even notice him sitting opposite him on the train every day.
Of course he doesn’t. Why would he?
--
He finds Jaejoong reading a different book the next time he sees him on the train - Under the Moon this time. Like all the other books he’s been reading, it’s old and thick, pages are sticking out and its cover is dull and fading, but Jaejoong’s eyes light up brighter each time he flips a page. Yunho thinks, he must really love that book.
Jaejoong’s silent enthusiasm brings a smile to his lips.
--
The next time Jaejoong visits the bookstore, he accidentally bumps into a shelf on his way to the darkest and loneliest area he seems to love so much. Subsequently, a couple of books come toppling down to the floor, and Yunho thinks, it’s an opportunity for him to go over and help him pick up the fallen books; perhaps start a conversation, but by the time he’s even halfway there, he ends up being too late.
He watches silently, dejectedly, as a stranger nearby picks up one book, and as Jaejoong picks up the other. The latter nods gratefully and the stranger walks away.
And then it hits him - a wave of realization coupled with sadness hits him. He looks up at Jaejoong and his lips curl downward. It isn’t because of the fact that he’s missed an opportunity, but because there was no opportunity to begin with. Even if it were he who helped Jaejoong, things would have been the same - the same nod and a quiet “thank you.” And that would be all. Because he’s a stranger to Jaejoong; he’s thought of it a thousand times but that is what he is - a stranger; just as how Jaejoong is a stranger to him.
Depressing, isn’t it? When one spends hours and hours on a person, trying to know more, trying to be more, and everything falls fruitless. Because at the end of the day, nothing changes. Strangers remain strangers and facts remain facts.
Yunho turns on his heel and slowly begins to meander over back to behind the counter; and as he walks, he thinks, wonders why Jaejoong has such an effect on him. Why he feels so sad when a day passes by without him talking to him; sometimes even without seeing him. He pauses and a thought sails through his mind: maybe he’s in love. Maybe he’s in love with a stranger.
He chuckles humorlessly to himself and shakes his head, no, he thinks. He’s in love with the idea of loving this stranger. There is a huge part of him that knows the bitter truth that he and Jaejoong will never be. But then there is this other part of him that holds onto this faint strand of hope that maybe, he and Jaejoong could be- perhaps, if the circumstances were right.
But the circumstances are never right, and he knows they never will be right. “So maybe it’d be best to stop.” Yunho mumbles quietly to himself. He looks back at Jaejoong, browsing through books with eyes that light up like candles in the dark. He ends up smiling.
Nonetheless, that strand of hope remains.
--
Jaejoong purchases Under the Moon after some days pass.
It’s pouring really hard outside and he didn’t bring an umbrella with him. Inwardly, he grumbles about how inaccurate the weather forecast was and wonders how he’s going to make it to the train station without getting soaked to the bone.
All the while, Yunho watches. It takes some time, but he finally musters up the courage to walk up to Jaejoong and give him his umbrella, which he had been keeping behind the counter for so long.
“You can borrow this.” He tells Jaejoong with a soft smile (you can keep it if you like, he thinks).
Jaejoong looks up at him, wide eyes flashing with a mixture of surprise and something Yunho can’t quite place. “No, thank you. I’ll be fine.”
And as if on cue, thunder sounds and lightning flashes as clouds scud frantically across the sky; making him jump in his boots. He looks up at Yunho, still standing with that same soft smile stretched across his face, and thinks that maybe he should accept after all.
Gingerly stretching out his hands, Jaejoong thanks him and apologizes to Yunho a million times before leaving and disappearing into the cold, wet distance.
Yunho’s smile never leaves; instead, it stretches further. Even if their conversation was not very good, even if Jaejoong talked to Yunho the part-time bookstore employee, and not Yunho the person, his happiness surges forth.
That night, he falls asleep with a smile on his face.
--
It takes two days for Jaejoong to return the umbrella, and when he does, he doesn’t forget to thank Yunho and apologize, again, for any inconvenience he could have caused. He doesn’t stay long, though; doesn’t even look at books. Yunho deduces that he must be in a hurry, though smiles when he thinks about how Jaejoong dropped by for the sole purpose of returning his umbrella, despite what he thinks is a busy schedule.
It’s shallow, but it makes him happy nonetheless.
Later on while riding the train, Jaejoong falls asleep, and Yunho silently watches him, as always. There aren’t many people on- just him and Jaejoong and a handful of other passengers.
The train comes to a temporary stop at length and its doors open with a hiss. It’s Jaejoong’s stop. Yunho knows this because he’s watched Jaejoong countless of times; so much so that he knows at which stop he gets off- two stops before his. A couple of people exit wordlessly, the stress of earlier that day probably taking a toll on them, and a couple of equally tired people enter; all the while, Yunho sees that Jaejoong hasn’t woken yet, and so, with the little confidence he’s managed to collect, he stands up and walks over to where Jaejoong sits sleeping and gently taps his shoulder until his eyes flutter open.
“Sorry to wake you, but this is your stop, isn’t it?”
It takes a while for Jaejoong to realize his surroundings, and with a muffled curse, he quickly grabs his bag and stands up; only for one of his books to come falling and crashing onto the floor. Yunho hunkers down to his knees and picks it up for Jaejoong, but by the time the latter gets his book back, the doors close and the train starts moving.
Jaejoong just missed his stop.
He sits back down before he can fall and curses himself and his luck. Jaejoong voices out - not to anyone in particular - that he doesn’t know how to get home anymore. He’s never missed his stop before.
It is in that moment that Yunho musters up the courage to tell him that he gets off two stops after his, and that he’s pretty much familiar with Seoul, more or less. “I could help you get home, if you like.”
Jaejoong eyes him with suspicion; unsure whether or not he can trust Yunho. Yunho, of course, is aware of all of Jaejoong’s suspicions. Who would trust a stranger, after all? No one in his right mind, that’s for sure. Though, somewhere inside of him, Yunho feels bad that Jaejoong doesn’t at least recognize him-after all the train rides after all the visits to the bookstore, after the umbrella incident just earlier that day.
But then Jaejoong says something along the lines of “you seem very familiar to me” and Yunho’s eyes light up like the Fourth of July. And so he allows Yunho to guide him-not home, but to a place familiar enough for him to make it back safely.
“Thank you for helping me, even though I’m a stranger to you.” Jaejoong says, just as they’re about to part, “But you’re not so much of a stranger, are you? You work at the bookstore, don’t you? The one who lent me the umbrella.”
Yunho’s lips stretch into a smile; happy that Jaejoong remembers even just that much. He says yes, and Jaejoong thanks him a thousand times. Not literally, but it sure feels that way.
--
The days that follow are the same as always-Jaejoong reads a new (old) book; a few days later, he buys it at the bookstore.
They share smiles now, because they are somehow already acquaintances; although Jaejoong still doesn’t know Yunho’s name, despite Yunho knowing Jaejoong’s. Other than that; however, nothing happens, and Yunho wishes something could happen but really, what can? He glances up and takes a look at Jaejoong’s face from across where he is seated on the train and thinks, nothing. Nothing could ever happen.
Then one day, something does happen.
Jaejoong walks up to Yunho while he’s working one day and asks what his favorite book is. Yunho is taken aback by it all - the suddenness of everything that he had always hoped could happen - and says the only thing that pops into his mind: A Milestone Away.
“Okay,” Jaejoong nods, “do you sell that book?”
Yunho nods, a little at a loss for words, and quietly brings him over to the aisle that has that book and all Jaejoong does is nod.
“Are you going to buy it?” Yunho asks.
“No,” Jaejoong replies. “Not yet, at least.”
--
The following day, Yunho finds that Jaejoong is reading the book he mentioned.
It’s an old, really beat up version of the book, but it’s the same book nonetheless and Yunho feels really glad that Jaejoong’s even reading it at all.
He stares at Jaejoong almost the entire train ride until the latter looks up from the book and their eyes meet. Yunho tries to look away, but he’s already been caught staring.
“Fuck.” Yunho curses inwardly. He must have seemed like a creep just now! However all his worries dissipate when Jaejoong smiles at him.
“This is a very good book,” Jaejoong says, “I like it.”
Yunho doesn’t know how to respond. He’s been waiting for a moment like this for so long, his tongue freezes in his mouth. He panics, then, and stutters, trying to say something, but he doesn’t manage to say anything comprehensible and Jaejoong ends up laughing and returning to the book.
The rest of the trip is ridden with a frown on his face; and Yunho ends up hating himself for ruining something that could have escalated into another thing.
--
That afternoon, Yunho is surprised to see Jaejoong standing in front of the counter with the book he, somehow, recommended in his hands.
“I liked it a lot.” Jaejoong tells him when Yunho scans its price.
“That’s good to know. It’s my favorite, after all.” Yunho replies, and Jaejoong shoots him a smile and leans on his arms against the counter, moving just a little bit closer to him.
“I know this sounds crazy, but do you want to go out some time?” Jaejoong practically blurts out, “We don’t even know each other’s names, but we do see each other on the train every day, and I’d really like to talk about books with you, because I haven’t been able to talk about them with anyone, and you know, you could say no and I would understand completely.”
All the while, Yunho stares at Jaejoong. Simply stares and does not give out a response.
Jaejoong smiles, not as brightly as earlier, and takes the book after he’s finished paying and tells him, with a voice a little lower than earlier, “All right, then. Sorry for freaking you out.”
It’s only when he is halfway across the bookstore, closer to the exit, that Yunho realizes what just happened; and so, deciding he’s been waiting for this for so long, he hops over the counter and calls out to him,
“Wait!” he cries out, just managing to catch Jaejoong before he leaves. “I’d love to go out and talk about books and you know what? Maybe we don’t even have to talk about books or even talk at all. I’d just really love to go out with you even only once and oh god; this must be getting really uncomfortable for you. Okay, I’m sorry. I’ll stop now.”
Jaejoong laughs - probably the first time Yunho’s ever heard him do so - and says something along the lines of him being really cute (or so he believes). “Would tomorrow be okay?”
“Any day is okay,” Yunho replies, sounding a little more eager than he would have liked, “where, though?”
Jaejoong doesn’t give him a concrete answer; however. He says they’ll see each other on the train the following day, anyway. He’ll find out then. Yunho nods, he doesn’t really care at the moment if Jaejoong is secretly planning to take him to an abandoned warehouse that reeks of fish and use him as a test subject for all sorts of inhumane projects; all that matters is that he’s going somewhere with Jaejoong. Just the two of them.
When Jaejoong leaves, Yunho watches his slowly fading back and feels that faint strand of hope he’s been holding onto growing a little bit stronger than usual.
--
The following day, when Jaejoong enters the train from his stop, he sits down beside Yunho and tells him that they’re getting off at the next stop. Yunho says okay. He’s fine with anything. He really is.
Jaejoong introduces himself, and Yunho says he knows. “I kind of heard you say your name some months back.” He explains. When Jaejoong grows quiet for a moment, Yunho fears he’s made himself look stupid so early in the morning, and so he stops talking and stares down at his feet.
At length, Jaejoong laughs and says he should have said something earlier.
“I didn’t know what to say,” Yunho admits, head bent down low in shame.
“How about your name?”
“Oh, it’s Yunho. Jung Yunho.”
Jaejoong leans back against his seat and closes his eyes for a moment. Yunho almost swears he hears Jaejoong mumbling that he likes the sound of his name. That, or he could have just been hoping.
They end up going to this hole-in the-wall café that Jaejoong once discovered by accident. It’s small but it’s cozy and it has a feeling of warmth surrounding it. At first Jaejoong starts talking about books, which reminds Yunho of something he’s been dying to ask. He wants to know why Jaejoong goes in and buys nothing. Then reads an old, tattered book and buys the book afterwards.
“I go to the bookstore to look at books, and when I see something that catches my interest, I go to the library and borrow that book.” Jaejoong explains, “If I find that the book is nice, I buy it. It’s my way of repaying the author for writing something so enjoyable. It isn’t much, but it’s all I can do.”
Yunho smiles. He says he finds it cute, somehow; only to find out that Jaejoong resents being affiliated with cute.
Their conversations digress here and there, and steer in all sorts of directions, until Jaejoong happens to mention that he’s into painting. Yunho then says he loves paintings. Not that he can paint, though. He just likes the way they look. Jaejoong’s eyes light up and he asks him if he wants to see some of his paintings. He’s an art major after all.
Yunho is more than happy to say yes.
--
Jaejoong brings Yunho to his place, even though he knows that it’s only their first time getting to know each other, and that he probably shouldn’t be letting people he barely knows into his apartment but everything about Yunho just says safe. That things with him are safe.
And so he lets Yunho into his apartment - it’s small and a little messy. There are canvasses everywhere - some on the floor and others on tables. Most of them aren’t even finished yet but the ones that are, are beautiful. They have a particular style to them; a particular feel that says this is Jaejoong. His paintings are a complicated contradiction of color - light and soft all at once and then rough and textured as though run through with the jagged shards of a broken heart.
All the while Jaejoong feels embarrassed, and goes on about how he doesn’t remember his apartment being so messy. Yunho laughs it off; however, and says he doesn’t mind.
It’s small and there are paintings and paint and paintbrushes all over the place but it’s cozy nonetheless and it gives him this feeling of home.
--
The next day they see each other on the train and they share a smile and a knowing look. In comparison to how things were before, Yunho’s made big progress.
They get off at different stops, but they see each other late in the afternoon - when Jaejoong visits the bookstore. They leave together afterwards and talk and talk until Jaejoong has to get off. Everything is more than Yunho could ever hope for. They’re not really dating; Yunho doesn’t even know if Jaejoong’s into guys or not, but they’re talking. They’re spending time together. They’re laughing together and Yunho feels that maybe that’s all that matters.
--
On one weekend while they’re at the café they first went to, a waitress introduces herself to Yunho and brazenly flirts with him. She laughs loudly and hits his shoulder playfully and lingers longer than she should. Yunho all the while responds to her gestures politely; not reciprocating them, but not rejecting them either. Jaejoong, meanwhile, treats her coldly until the moment she leaves.
That day, Yunho finds out Jaejoong is not interested in women.
On their way home later that night, on the train, Jaejoong kisses Yunho on the lips, right as he is about to get off. Yunho isn’t quick enough respond, and Jaejoong laughs it off and leaves before Yunho can.
--
The following morning Jaejoong takes a seat beside Yunho on the train apologizes for kissing him. He says he’s sorry for kissing him when he probably doesn’t even like guys. Yunho doesn’t really say anything, though, and so Jaejoong just quietly reads a book; the look on his face is a little bit less happy than he would normally have gone for.
At length; however, Yunho takes hold of Jaejoong’s face and presses his lips against his - never mind that there are many people - the last thing he wants Jaejoong to think is that he doesn’t like him, or his kiss.
After they pull away, Jaejoong smiles the whole ride long and they both ignore the disgusted stares and sneers thrown at them.
Screw them, Yunho thinks. He’s happy.
--
They kiss more often-when they see each other, first thing in the morning, on the train, when they see each other in the bookstore, when they’re in that secluded area of the bookstore Jaejoong loves so much.
Especially there.
Sometimes they just kiss and kiss until they hear the sounds of footsteps growing closer and closer. One time they nearly got caught.
Nearly.
They kiss while seeing each other off, when Jaejoong gets off at his stop. They kiss inside Jaejoong’s apartment; on the couch until they end up falling on the floor. They kiss until Jaejoong says “touch me” in between shaky whispers. They kiss in Jaejoong’s bedroom until their clothes come flying off and all that is left of them are ragged pants for breaths, mingling heartbeats and a burning desire for one another. They kiss until each of them falls off the extremities of sanity and pleasure, until either of them can move no more. They kiss until they’re wrapped in each other’s arms; until both fall into the depths of slumber.
And then one day Yunho wakes up in his own home, in his own bedroom; surrounded by nothing but coldness and silence.
His head feels fuzzy and things don’t seem real. At one point, he starts wondering if everything at all was real-the train rides, the bookstore incidents, the café and Jaejoong’s apartment. He wonders if what they had was even actually real, or if perhaps he’s just fallen so much in love with Jaejoong that he’s imagined the whole thing. And that the only thing that is real from his memory are the train rides that led to nowhere between the two of them.
But then his phone lights up and Jaejoong’s name is on the screen. In that moment, Yunho’s heart wears a smile. He picks up his phone and swipes his thumb across the screen.
“Yunho?”
“Yes?”
“You left your shirt in my bedroom again”
“Oh, really? Do you want me to go get it?”
“That’s exactly what you said the last time you left your shirt here, and now there are two shirts in my bedroom that belong to you.”
He laughs. “Do you want me to go get it or not?”
“Or course I want you to come. Why do you think I called?”
He laughs again. “All right, I’ll be there soon.”
“Okay. Bye”
“Wait, Jaejoong?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
Silence ensues for a moment and all Yunho hears is the sound of Jaejoong’s steady breathing. Maybe he’s said too much. Maybe he’s said things too soon. Maybe Jaejoong doesn’t feel the same way he does. All kinds of thoughts swarm into his mind, but disappear in an instant the moment he hears Jaejoong speak,
“I love you too.”
Yunho couldn’t have asked for anything more.