Fanfic: Shattered Glass - Chapter 1: Denial
Fanfic masterpost
Prologue
Part One: Losing You
Chapter 1: Denial
Four months earlier...
Spencer was lying on his side on Emily’s bed and was looking out of the big open window. His dark grey jacket (he’d refused to wear black, as if such a simple gesture could bring her back and wasn’t just a blatant expression of denial) lay on a chair together with his purple scarf. He’d taken them off not so much to get comfortable as because he was feeling like he couldn’t breathe. After taking long, deep breaths in front of the window, he’d stepped back slowly and let himself collapse on the bed.
“I knew I’d find you here.” Derek was now standing by the door.
“It’s where it all begun,” Spencer said quietly, without turning to look at him.
Derek stepped inside the room and closed the window. It was getting dark outside and the air was chilly. He leaned back against the wall, arms crossed over his chest.
He closed his eyes. Seeing Spencer on her bed was somehow too much. It was the bed where they’d made love for the first time, the three of them. Where they’d slept together and where they’d been happy - sort of happy - as happy as they could hope to be. Even after he and Spencer had gotten together and Emily had gone back to being just a friend, there had always been something special between them. They could understand each other better than anyone else.
“Come here.”
Spencer didn’t reply, just slowly got up and went to stand in front of him, let Derek pull him into a loose embrace and leaned against him. Derek’s body was warm and Spencer tried to focus on that, on the way his hands ran up and down his back, on the soft, comforting kisses Derek was pressing against his skin.
The whole team had come to Emily’s apartment after the funeral to check on Sergio. The neighbors had taken care of him in the last few days, but now it was time for a more definitive solution. Garcia had offered to take him, but Spencer had insisted that he wanted to. They were going to try and see if he got along with Clooney, otherwise Sergio would just stay at Spencer’s apartment.
Truth to be told, Sergio had just been an excuse. You don’t need seven people to take care of a cat, but you do need your friends - your family - with you when you lose someone, and none of them were too keen on going home, maybe alone, right after the funeral.
Garcia had made coffee, taking comfort in taking care of others, and for a while they’d sat together at the kitchen table, alternating easy silence to softly told memories.
Remember that guy who pretended to be an FBI agent to impress women at a bar? Remember the time in Las Vegas when she was drunk and kissed Derek? Remember how she was ready to leave the team rather than betray them?
Ambassador Prentiss had interrupted them with her arrival. She was there to take care of the apartment, she’d explained, as if it was official business and not her daughter’s life they were talking about. They could all read behind the mask: she was hiding the truth from herself because she couldn’t face it without falling apart - and she didn’t fall apart, ever, not even if her Emily died.
It’d been Rossi who’d talked to her, assuring her that they could take care of the apartment: it was no trouble at all; Doctor Reid had already offered to bring Emily’s cat home with him - unless she wanted to, of course; they could pack up Emily’s things and send them to her, but would she mind if they all took something to remember their friend by?
JJ and Hotch had excused themselves to call home and talk to their respective sons, while Spencer had disappeared in Emily’s room. Derek, after following him with his eyes, had decided to give him a few minutes alone and had sat down on the couch with Garcia. Seaver had announced that she was going to look for Sergio and had come back a few minutes later with the cat purring in her arms. Leaving Garcia with her and Sergio, Derek had joined Spencer in the bedroom.
He knew he was lucky because at least he had Spencer and he wasn’t going home alone that night. And yet, as he held Spencer in his arms, he knew their bed would still feel empty that night, just like the night before and the one before that. Even if Emily hadn’t shared their bed in a long time, the feeling of something missing was still there - and he knew Spencer had felt it too.
He wondered if Hotch still felt the same, even though he and Hailey had gotten divorced years before she was killed. He tightened his arms around Spencer and pressed a kiss to his shoulder.
“We should go,” he said after a few minutes. “We’re not here alone.”
Spencer didn’t move.
“Kid?”
“Yeah, we should go.” Reluctantly, Spencer broke the hug and went to get his jacket.
~
Later, at Spencer’s apartment, Derek fixed dinner while Spencer got Sergio settled.
“He’s still confused, but he doesn’t look scared anymore,” Spencer said, taking a seat at the table. Had it been anyone else in the kitchen with him, he would have offered to help since it was his apartment. But it was Derek and he could handle making a couple of sandwiches on his own.
God, he felt so tired.
Derek shot him a quick glance, before focusing back on the sandwiches.
“Are we profiling cats now?” he asked, trying to sound as light as he could. He succeeded in making Spencer smile, at least for a second. “Tomorrow we can bring Clooney here. I think it’s better if they get to know each other on neutral territory.”
“Mhm.”
“Headache?” Derek turned around to look at him.
“No, I’m just tired. Haven’t gotten much sleep these past few days.”
“Yeah.”
Derek finished making the sandwiches and set the plate down on the table. Before sitting down in front of Spencer, he kissed his hair lightly. Neither of them was hungry, not really, but dinner was something normal and they needed it right now.
“She didn’t seem to care,” Derek said after a while. “I know everyone grieves in their own way, but she just lost her daughter. No one expects her to be professional about it; she has a right to be devastated.”
Spencer shrugged. “Maybe she’s afraid that if she lets herself cry, she will never be able to stop.”
“This seems like a quote from one of your books,” said Derek with the hint of a smile. Still, he knew Spencer was right. But denial wasn’t going to work forever, at some point we all need to face reality.
He was about to say as much when Spencer asked, “Can we talk about something else?”
He nodded. He could see how tired Spencer was, how close to breaking down. Even before Emily-even before, he’d been worried and scared about his own mental health, the ghost of schizophrenia haunting him. Now… now Derek could only thank God that Spencer was strong, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to take it.
“Why don’t you tell me about that tv show you want us to watch together?” he asked gently. It wasn’t his thing, but it was Spencer’s and if it made Spencer happy to talk about it, they were going to talk about it.
“Doctor Who? Are you saying you really want to watch it with me?” Spencer smiled.
Derek nodded yes, then mentally rolled his eyes at himself. Ambassador Prentiss was in denial, but he was just as guilty, focusing on Spencer’s pain instead of his own. He didn’t care. Whatever gets you through the day.
Chapter 2: Anger
Prologue
Part One: Losing You
Chapter 1: Denial
Four months earlier...
Spencer was lying on his side on Emily’s bed and was looking out of the big open window. His dark grey jacket (he’d refused to wear black, as if such a simple gesture could bring her back and wasn’t just a blatant expression of denial) lay on a chair together with his purple scarf. He’d taken them off not so much to get comfortable as because he was feeling like he couldn’t breathe. After taking long, deep breaths in front of the window, he’d stepped back slowly and let himself collapse on the bed.
“I knew I’d find you here.” Derek was now standing by the door.
“It’s where it all begun,” Spencer said quietly, without turning to look at him.
Derek stepped inside the room and closed the window. It was getting dark outside and the air was chilly. He leaned back against the wall, arms crossed over his chest.
He closed his eyes. Seeing Spencer on her bed was somehow too much. It was the bed where they’d made love for the first time, the three of them. Where they’d slept together and where they’d been happy - sort of happy - as happy as they could hope to be. Even after he and Spencer had gotten together and Emily had gone back to being just a friend, there had always been something special between them. They could understand each other better than anyone else.
“Come here.”
Spencer didn’t reply, just slowly got up and went to stand in front of him, let Derek pull him into a loose embrace and leaned against him. Derek’s body was warm and Spencer tried to focus on that, on the way his hands ran up and down his back, on the soft, comforting kisses Derek was pressing against his skin.
The whole team had come to Emily’s apartment after the funeral to check on Sergio. The neighbors had taken care of him in the last few days, but now it was time for a more definitive solution. Garcia had offered to take him, but Spencer had insisted that he wanted to. They were going to try and see if he got along with Clooney, otherwise Sergio would just stay at Spencer’s apartment.
Truth to be told, Sergio had just been an excuse. You don’t need seven people to take care of a cat, but you do need your friends - your family - with you when you lose someone, and none of them were too keen on going home, maybe alone, right after the funeral.
Garcia had made coffee, taking comfort in taking care of others, and for a while they’d sat together at the kitchen table, alternating easy silence to softly told memories.
Remember that guy who pretended to be an FBI agent to impress women at a bar? Remember the time in Las Vegas when she was drunk and kissed Derek? Remember how she was ready to leave the team rather than betray them?
Ambassador Prentiss had interrupted them with her arrival. She was there to take care of the apartment, she’d explained, as if it was official business and not her daughter’s life they were talking about. They could all read behind the mask: she was hiding the truth from herself because she couldn’t face it without falling apart - and she didn’t fall apart, ever, not even if her Emily died.
It’d been Rossi who’d talked to her, assuring her that they could take care of the apartment: it was no trouble at all; Doctor Reid had already offered to bring Emily’s cat home with him - unless she wanted to, of course; they could pack up Emily’s things and send them to her, but would she mind if they all took something to remember their friend by?
JJ and Hotch had excused themselves to call home and talk to their respective sons, while Spencer had disappeared in Emily’s room. Derek, after following him with his eyes, had decided to give him a few minutes alone and had sat down on the couch with Garcia. Seaver had announced that she was going to look for Sergio and had come back a few minutes later with the cat purring in her arms. Leaving Garcia with her and Sergio, Derek had joined Spencer in the bedroom.
He knew he was lucky because at least he had Spencer and he wasn’t going home alone that night. And yet, as he held Spencer in his arms, he knew their bed would still feel empty that night, just like the night before and the one before that. Even if Emily hadn’t shared their bed in a long time, the feeling of something missing was still there - and he knew Spencer had felt it too.
He wondered if Hotch still felt the same, even though he and Hailey had gotten divorced years before she was killed. He tightened his arms around Spencer and pressed a kiss to his shoulder.
“We should go,” he said after a few minutes. “We’re not here alone.”
Spencer didn’t move.
“Kid?”
“Yeah, we should go.” Reluctantly, Spencer broke the hug and went to get his jacket.
~
Later, at Spencer’s apartment, Derek fixed dinner while Spencer got Sergio settled.
“He’s still confused, but he doesn’t look scared anymore,” Spencer said, taking a seat at the table. Had it been anyone else in the kitchen with him, he would have offered to help since it was his apartment. But it was Derek and he could handle making a couple of sandwiches on his own.
God, he felt so tired.
Derek shot him a quick glance, before focusing back on the sandwiches.
“Are we profiling cats now?” he asked, trying to sound as light as he could. He succeeded in making Spencer smile, at least for a second. “Tomorrow we can bring Clooney here. I think it’s better if they get to know each other on neutral territory.”
“Mhm.”
“Headache?” Derek turned around to look at him.
“No, I’m just tired. Haven’t gotten much sleep these past few days.”
“Yeah.”
Derek finished making the sandwiches and set the plate down on the table. Before sitting down in front of Spencer, he kissed his hair lightly. Neither of them was hungry, not really, but dinner was something normal and they needed it right now.
“She didn’t seem to care,” Derek said after a while. “I know everyone grieves in their own way, but she just lost her daughter. No one expects her to be professional about it; she has a right to be devastated.”
Spencer shrugged. “Maybe she’s afraid that if she lets herself cry, she will never be able to stop.”
“This seems like a quote from one of your books,” said Derek with the hint of a smile. Still, he knew Spencer was right. But denial wasn’t going to work forever, at some point we all need to face reality.
He was about to say as much when Spencer asked, “Can we talk about something else?”
He nodded. He could see how tired Spencer was, how close to breaking down. Even before Emily-even before, he’d been worried and scared about his own mental health, the ghost of schizophrenia haunting him. Now… now Derek could only thank God that Spencer was strong, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to take it.
“Why don’t you tell me about that tv show you want us to watch together?” he asked gently. It wasn’t his thing, but it was Spencer’s and if it made Spencer happy to talk about it, they were going to talk about it.
“Doctor Who? Are you saying you really want to watch it with me?” Spencer smiled.
Derek nodded yes, then mentally rolled his eyes at himself. Ambassador Prentiss was in denial, but he was just as guilty, focusing on Spencer’s pain instead of his own. He didn’t care. Whatever gets you through the day.
Chapter 2: Anger