Fanfic: Shattered Glass - Chapter 3: Bargaining
Fanfic masterpost
Chapter 2: Anger
Chapter 3: Bargaining
Two weeks went by.
Seeing Spencer every day was hard. Knowing that Spencer was suffering, that he was causing at least part of it, and not being able to do anything, was even harder. He and Spencer had always leaned on each other, always confided in the other when something was bothering them. Well, not always - wasn’t that just the reason why they broke up? - but still. They’d been there for each other when needed, and just knowing that sometimes had been enough.
Sometimes, it had been Gideon or JJ that Spencer had confided in - but they were both gone. So was Emily, in a different and more definitive way; Emily, who’d been Derek’s own confidant when he couldn’t talk to Spencer, who’d been Spencer’s too at times. Maybe she’d been the one holding them together, after all.
Bullshit. He’d loved (still loved) Spencer and it had nothing to do with Emily. It was the whole point of why their relationship had changed, of why she’d stepped aside, so that they could be together, the two of them. She’d always been special, but she hadn’t been the reason why they’d been together for almost three years.
The problems he and Spencer had were theirs and theirs alone. It would have happened anyway eventually. What happened to Emily probably just speeded up the end.
But was it the end for them? Were they really over? He couldn’t imagine not kissing Spencer ever again, not sleeping with Spencer in his arms ever again.
He wished Emily was there, that he could talk to her. Was he selfish for wishing she was alive because he needed her?
Fuck that. It wasn’t the time for big questions, he didn’t have the energy.
Spencer was shutting his computer down and getting ready to go. Derek thought how easy it would be to stop him, ask him to talk. They could figure it out, couldn’t they? He just needed to tell him he loved him and he missed him. They would both apologize for keeping things from each other, insist that it was their own fault, no, really, and then they would kiss and promise to always tell each other everything.
And live happily ever fucking after.
Right.
Only, this was real life, not a stupid romantic comedy. In real life, Spencer gathered his things and left, and Derek let him.
Fuck.
He needed to talk to Garcia. Even though usually it was the other way around: her having a problem and him doing the fixing, the comforting. He was good at that, at taking care of the people he loved. (And yet he failed to save her.) He wasn’t that good at being the one who needed help.
At this point, though, it was either talk to her or go out of his mind.
~
“And under no circumstances you are going to have sex with him.”
Those were the last words Garcia had told him before letting him take her home. Talk to him and try to figure things out, or try and forget about him (“and make the biggest mistake of your life”), but do not have sex with him.
It had seemed simple enough. When he and Spencer were in the same room, they were working on a case - and sex had never been on his mind when someone’s life was at risk.
So how exactly had he ended up in Spencer’s hotel room and bed, waking up the next morning with Spencer’s naked body snuggled against his?
He’d only knocked on his door to make sure he was okay. After all, you never get used to having a gun pointed at you and Derek knew for Spencer it brought back memories of Tobias, too. But as soon as Spencer had opened the door, he’d pushed him (gently this time) back inside the room and kissed him. He’d kissed him because he missed him, and because he loved him, and because he had almost died today and he needed to make sure he was alive. That he hadn’t lost him forever.
A kiss was all it’d taken for them to forget they weren’t together anymore, to stop thinking and let their bodies take control. Hands and lips had traced familiar skin, bodies moving together, mouths crashing against each other and hearts beating faster in their chests. After, they hadn’t tried to talk, knowing nothing would come out of it. But when Derek had moved to get up, Spencer had tugged at his wrist in a silent request to stay.
So he had. Spencer needed it and he needed it too. It wasn’t like things could get any more complicated than that, really.
Sliding an arm around Spencer’s waist, Derek had thought maybe there was still hope for them. Maybe they weren’t over. Maybe they could have their happily-ever-after.
“What does this mean?” Spencer asked in the morning as he finished getting dressed. “I mean, where do we go from here?”
“I don’t know,” Derek admitted.
“Then maybe we should forget about it, because it’s hard enough even without-” Without what? Being reminded of what he’d lost? Getting his hopes up that they could be together again? “It’s hard enough.”
Derek nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come last night.”
“I’m glad you did. Even though…”
“Yeah, me too. Even though.” Derek smiled at him, then left.
Chapter 4: Depression
Chapter 2: Anger
Chapter 3: Bargaining
Two weeks went by.
Seeing Spencer every day was hard. Knowing that Spencer was suffering, that he was causing at least part of it, and not being able to do anything, was even harder. He and Spencer had always leaned on each other, always confided in the other when something was bothering them. Well, not always - wasn’t that just the reason why they broke up? - but still. They’d been there for each other when needed, and just knowing that sometimes had been enough.
Sometimes, it had been Gideon or JJ that Spencer had confided in - but they were both gone. So was Emily, in a different and more definitive way; Emily, who’d been Derek’s own confidant when he couldn’t talk to Spencer, who’d been Spencer’s too at times. Maybe she’d been the one holding them together, after all.
Bullshit. He’d loved (still loved) Spencer and it had nothing to do with Emily. It was the whole point of why their relationship had changed, of why she’d stepped aside, so that they could be together, the two of them. She’d always been special, but she hadn’t been the reason why they’d been together for almost three years.
The problems he and Spencer had were theirs and theirs alone. It would have happened anyway eventually. What happened to Emily probably just speeded up the end.
But was it the end for them? Were they really over? He couldn’t imagine not kissing Spencer ever again, not sleeping with Spencer in his arms ever again.
He wished Emily was there, that he could talk to her. Was he selfish for wishing she was alive because he needed her?
Fuck that. It wasn’t the time for big questions, he didn’t have the energy.
Spencer was shutting his computer down and getting ready to go. Derek thought how easy it would be to stop him, ask him to talk. They could figure it out, couldn’t they? He just needed to tell him he loved him and he missed him. They would both apologize for keeping things from each other, insist that it was their own fault, no, really, and then they would kiss and promise to always tell each other everything.
And live happily ever fucking after.
Right.
Only, this was real life, not a stupid romantic comedy. In real life, Spencer gathered his things and left, and Derek let him.
Fuck.
He needed to talk to Garcia. Even though usually it was the other way around: her having a problem and him doing the fixing, the comforting. He was good at that, at taking care of the people he loved. (And yet he failed to save her.) He wasn’t that good at being the one who needed help.
At this point, though, it was either talk to her or go out of his mind.
~
“And under no circumstances you are going to have sex with him.”
Those were the last words Garcia had told him before letting him take her home. Talk to him and try to figure things out, or try and forget about him (“and make the biggest mistake of your life”), but do not have sex with him.
It had seemed simple enough. When he and Spencer were in the same room, they were working on a case - and sex had never been on his mind when someone’s life was at risk.
So how exactly had he ended up in Spencer’s hotel room and bed, waking up the next morning with Spencer’s naked body snuggled against his?
He’d only knocked on his door to make sure he was okay. After all, you never get used to having a gun pointed at you and Derek knew for Spencer it brought back memories of Tobias, too. But as soon as Spencer had opened the door, he’d pushed him (gently this time) back inside the room and kissed him. He’d kissed him because he missed him, and because he loved him, and because he had almost died today and he needed to make sure he was alive. That he hadn’t lost him forever.
A kiss was all it’d taken for them to forget they weren’t together anymore, to stop thinking and let their bodies take control. Hands and lips had traced familiar skin, bodies moving together, mouths crashing against each other and hearts beating faster in their chests. After, they hadn’t tried to talk, knowing nothing would come out of it. But when Derek had moved to get up, Spencer had tugged at his wrist in a silent request to stay.
So he had. Spencer needed it and he needed it too. It wasn’t like things could get any more complicated than that, really.
Sliding an arm around Spencer’s waist, Derek had thought maybe there was still hope for them. Maybe they weren’t over. Maybe they could have their happily-ever-after.
“What does this mean?” Spencer asked in the morning as he finished getting dressed. “I mean, where do we go from here?”
“I don’t know,” Derek admitted.
“Then maybe we should forget about it, because it’s hard enough even without-” Without what? Being reminded of what he’d lost? Getting his hopes up that they could be together again? “It’s hard enough.”
Derek nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come last night.”
“I’m glad you did. Even though…”
“Yeah, me too. Even though.” Derek smiled at him, then left.
Chapter 4: Depression