Fanfic: Shattered Glass - Chapter 9: Mind
Fanfic masterpost
Chapter 8: Consequences
Part Three: A Million Pieces
Chapter 9: Mind
They were supposed to have the morning off, giving them forty-eight hours since the arrest of Doyle to process their feelings before they had to go back to work. Instead, Thursday morning at 8AM, they all received a call from Hotch asking them to come to the office.
Now, sitting around the table in the conference room, they were waiting for him. When they got the call, they’d thought it would be about an urgent case that required their immediate attention. But Garcia didn’t have any files for them and didn’t know anything about any case they were supposed to take.
“It must be about Doyle, then,” Rossi said matter-of-factly.
They all nodded their agreement. Probably Hotch wanted them to talk while they still had time to do it, while they weren’t focusing on chasing the next monster.
It was only when the door opened and Hotch came in followed by JJ, that they understood something else was up.
“JJ!” Garcia stood up immediately and went to hug her. As for the others, they were too worried of what the news would be to be happy to see her.
“What I’m about to tell you is strictly confidential at the moment and if it weren’t for our friendship I wouldn’t be here,” JJ started, after Garcia had gone back to her seat.
“If the next words out of your mouth are that Doyle escaped, I’m going to hunt him down and kill him myself,” Derek said. Spencer shot him a worried glance, but then focused his attention back on JJ.
“Emily is alive.” She paused for a few seconds to let them process the news, but went on explaining before they could start asking questions. “She survived the operation but it would have been too dangerous for her to stay. The only way to keep her safe was to fake her death. We gave her a new identity and enough money to do whatever she wanted with her life.”
JJ watched as her old team went through a full range of emotions: disbelief, confusion, relief, happiness, more confusion, and-
“Emily’s alive,” Spencer repeated as if trying to make it real with his words. There was almost a question mark at the end of the sentence, still some doubts that maybe this wasn’t happening, that maybe he’d misunderstood, that maybe it was just an hallucination or his mind playing tricks on him.
“Oh, God!” Garcia suddenly jumped up and hugged JJ again. “She’s alive. She’s fine.” She smiled through the tears. Then, she let JJ go and looked at her. “Why didn’t you tell us before? Why did you let us think she was-?”
-and anger.
JJ closed her eyes for a moment, then looked at her friends once again. “I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t. We had to protect her.”
“Protect her from us?” Derek asked angrily.
“We would never have put her life at risk,” Spencer said.
“It was necessary-,” JJ started to explain, but she was interrupted by Rossi’s voice.
“You knew,” he said, addressing Hotch. Not a question, a statement.
And there, right in that moment, all hell broke loose. They could have maybe accepted that their old friend JJ hadn’t told them anything up until now, because she was working for the Department of Defense now and they knew what it was like having to lie to your own family and friends because it’s your job to do it. But Hotch was one of them. He was unit chief, which put him above them in the chain of command, but he was still part of the team.
“We had to keep it a secret, for Emily’s sake,” Hotch said, but he knew fully well that it wouldn’t be enough.
“All that matters is that Emily’s alright,” said Garcia.
“The fuck it is!” Derek got up and looked at Hotch right in the eye. He was furious and Hotch couldn’t really blame him: he still thought his decision of lying to the team had been the right one and he would take it again without the blink of an eye, but he could understand why they were feeling angry and betrayed.
Derek went on. “All these months, we thought she was dead. We mourned our friend; we struggled to accept her death, to move on, to forgive ourselves for not saving her. And now you tell us that you knew she is alive?”
Garcia bit her lower lip, unsure of what to say or do. Rossi was nodding slowly, agreeing with Derek.
“I need some air,” announced Spencer, getting up and walking quickly towards the door. Derek shot another angry look at Hotch and JJ, then turned around and followed him.
The room was silent for a few seconds.
“I think your phone is vibrating,” Seaver murmured after a while, almost afraid to talk. She nodded in the direction of Hotch’s jacket. His inside pocket was buzzing lightly.
Hotch looked at the caller ID. “I have to take this.”
~
“Spencer, wait!” Derek quickly followed him down the stairs to the bullpen and into the elevator. Once the doors were closed and Spencer had pushed the button to the roof, he took his hand in his and squeezed it for a moment.
“I just- I can’t-,” Spencer said. He leaned against the wall and rested his head back against it. He felt the beginning of a headache throbbing against his temples and covered his eyes with his free hand.
Derek moved by his side and let go of his hand only to rub his arm and shoulder. “I know. Me neither.”
Despite knowing that the sunlight would hurt his eyes, Spencer headed out of the elevator as soon as the doors opened. He felt like he could barely breathe inside the building. Derek followed him as he went to hide in a small shady area. Resting a hand on the small of his back, he offered him the sunglasses he kept hooked to the neckline of his t-shirt. Spencer took them gratefully.
The headache wasn’t a bad one. He just needed to stay away from strong lights for a few hours and he’d be fine. He wrapped his arms around Derek’s neck and pillowed his head on his shoulder, leaning against him. Derek’s arms slid around his waist as he pressed a kiss to Spencer’s forehead.
They stood there, trying to make sense of what they’d just been told.
“She’s alive,” Spencer said after a few minutes, breaking the embrace. “She’s out there, somewhere, alive. Living her life. A new life. We saved her, Derek. We saved her. And now that Doyle’s in prison, she can come back. She can have her old life back.”
“If we hadn’t wasted time and energy mourning her death, we would have gotten Doyle weeks, maybe even months ago. She would be here with us right now instead of alone somewhere, fearing for her life.” Derek balled his hands into fists. “They had no right to keep it from us, she’s our friend… God, she’s more than a friend. She’s family.”
Spencer tightened his lips. He wanted to be happy that Emily was alive and forget everything else, but he couldn’t help but feel betrayed. “I-I just want her to come back and for things to go back to normal.”
“I don’t know if things can go back to normal. Honestly, I don’t know if I can trust Hotch again, or if I want to for that matter.”
“It’s our team. We have to at least try.”
Derek shrugged. “I guess.”
In that moment, both of their phones rang. They looked at each other.
“Garcia.”
“Rossi.” Spencer sighed. “We’d better go.”
~
The tension on the jet was almost suffocating. From the way they were seated - with Hotch slightly isolated from the rest of the team - to how they refused to share any word that wasn’t strictly related to the case, it would have been clear to anyone that something was wrong.
Spencer’s headache was getting better, but he was still wearing sunglasses. Derek’s sunglasses, even though he had his own in his messenger bag. Somehow, though, wearing something of Derek’s seemed like a big rebellious act against-against who? It wasn’t like Hotch didn’t approve of their relationship.
“So, when is Emily coming back?” he asked Rossi as they were getting ready to land. JJ must have told them while he was on the roof with Derek.
Rossi’s reply wasn’t what he’d hoped for: “We don’t know. They’re having a hard time contacting her since they need to find her first. They know what name she’s using, of course. They also know that she’s in Europe. But since she’s not in immediate danger and she’s not a criminal, the European governments are refusing to give up any information they have. Last time she checked in, she was in Germany, but that was over two weeks ago. They are going to find her, of course, it will just require a few more days of paperwork and phone calls between Embassies.”
Spencer nodded slightly. “What are you not telling me?”
The question earned him a ‘I hate talking to other profilers’ look from Rossi. “Reid, the truth is, it’s been six months. And six months are a long time when you’re starting a new life. A lot of things have probably changed. She may-she may decide not to come back. I mean, have you ever wished you could leave this job behind?”
Wrapping his arms protectively over his chest, Spencer looked away. “Not Emily. She-she’s coming back.”
“I hope so,” Rossi said, then made his way to the exit.
Spencer waited for Derek and they got out of the plane together.
“I asked Rossi: it’s going to be a few more days before they’re able to contact her. Foreign governments only cooperate when it’s an emergency, and even then just barely. You know how it is.”
Derek nodded. “I guess we need to focus on the case, then.”
“Yeah, we do.” Spencer shot him a sideways glace. “Derek?”
“Yeah?”
“What if she decides she likes her new life better and doesn’t want to come back?”
Derek’s only answer was a tightening of the jaw, sign that he’d already considered the possibility but didn’t really want to think about it.
~
Fifty-two hours later, they were back on the jet. Defeated.
The unsub had managed not only to escape, but also to kill one more victim. One they could have saved, hadn’t they been distracted by their feelings. Now it was up to the local police to use the profile to try and find the unsub. Their job was done. Only, it didn’t feel that way.
The mood on the jet was heavy.
“Any news of Emily?” Seaver asked Rossi as she went to take a seat in front of him. They were taking off soon, so she secured her seatbelt.
Rossi shook his head. “I’ve called Strauss twenty minutes ago, they still don’t know anything.”
Spencer, who’d been following the conversation, sank deeper into his seat. He didn’t think he could deal with another person in his life leaving without saying goodbye, not even if the circumstances this time were different. He wouldn’t have blamed her, but he couldn’t even think about the possibility without feeling a knot in his stomach.
He felt the warmth of Derek’s hand covering his on the armrest and closed his eyes. A soft kiss was pressed to his temple, then Derek’s arm slid around his shoulders. Spencer resisted for a moment, then gave in and rested his head on Derek’s shoulder.
“We shouldn’t,” he whispered. “Rule number one.”
“Fuck the rules.” Derek didn’t let him go. Never before had he kissed or even hugged Spencer like that in front of the others. Not even when Spencer had been in pain from his knee or from a headache. Not unless they were out together in their free time. But it was different then, because they weren’t profilers or co-workers when they hanged out together like that: they were friends.
Right now, he didn’t care that they were technically still on the job. He didn’t care that it threatened to strain even more the already precarious balance between the members of the team. It actually felt strangely good to kiss Spencer on the FBI jet, while Hotch was watching them. It was as if by breaking the rules he was taking some sort of revenge for being lied to. Above all, though, he was challenging Hotch to dare to say anything and silently hoping that he would. He was just one word away from punching him in the face and was only waiting for the smallest of reasons to do it.
Not that he would have admitted it to anyone or even to himself, of course. But Spencer knew. He also knew that if Emily didn’t came back, the team would fall apart. And even if she came back, Spencer wasn’t sure it would be enough at this point.
Chapter 10: Heart
Chapter 8: Consequences
Part Three: A Million Pieces
Chapter 9: Mind
They were supposed to have the morning off, giving them forty-eight hours since the arrest of Doyle to process their feelings before they had to go back to work. Instead, Thursday morning at 8AM, they all received a call from Hotch asking them to come to the office.
Now, sitting around the table in the conference room, they were waiting for him. When they got the call, they’d thought it would be about an urgent case that required their immediate attention. But Garcia didn’t have any files for them and didn’t know anything about any case they were supposed to take.
“It must be about Doyle, then,” Rossi said matter-of-factly.
They all nodded their agreement. Probably Hotch wanted them to talk while they still had time to do it, while they weren’t focusing on chasing the next monster.
It was only when the door opened and Hotch came in followed by JJ, that they understood something else was up.
“JJ!” Garcia stood up immediately and went to hug her. As for the others, they were too worried of what the news would be to be happy to see her.
“What I’m about to tell you is strictly confidential at the moment and if it weren’t for our friendship I wouldn’t be here,” JJ started, after Garcia had gone back to her seat.
“If the next words out of your mouth are that Doyle escaped, I’m going to hunt him down and kill him myself,” Derek said. Spencer shot him a worried glance, but then focused his attention back on JJ.
“Emily is alive.” She paused for a few seconds to let them process the news, but went on explaining before they could start asking questions. “She survived the operation but it would have been too dangerous for her to stay. The only way to keep her safe was to fake her death. We gave her a new identity and enough money to do whatever she wanted with her life.”
JJ watched as her old team went through a full range of emotions: disbelief, confusion, relief, happiness, more confusion, and-
“Emily’s alive,” Spencer repeated as if trying to make it real with his words. There was almost a question mark at the end of the sentence, still some doubts that maybe this wasn’t happening, that maybe he’d misunderstood, that maybe it was just an hallucination or his mind playing tricks on him.
“Oh, God!” Garcia suddenly jumped up and hugged JJ again. “She’s alive. She’s fine.” She smiled through the tears. Then, she let JJ go and looked at her. “Why didn’t you tell us before? Why did you let us think she was-?”
-and anger.
JJ closed her eyes for a moment, then looked at her friends once again. “I’m sorry, I wanted to tell you but I couldn’t. We had to protect her.”
“Protect her from us?” Derek asked angrily.
“We would never have put her life at risk,” Spencer said.
“It was necessary-,” JJ started to explain, but she was interrupted by Rossi’s voice.
“You knew,” he said, addressing Hotch. Not a question, a statement.
And there, right in that moment, all hell broke loose. They could have maybe accepted that their old friend JJ hadn’t told them anything up until now, because she was working for the Department of Defense now and they knew what it was like having to lie to your own family and friends because it’s your job to do it. But Hotch was one of them. He was unit chief, which put him above them in the chain of command, but he was still part of the team.
“We had to keep it a secret, for Emily’s sake,” Hotch said, but he knew fully well that it wouldn’t be enough.
“All that matters is that Emily’s alright,” said Garcia.
“The fuck it is!” Derek got up and looked at Hotch right in the eye. He was furious and Hotch couldn’t really blame him: he still thought his decision of lying to the team had been the right one and he would take it again without the blink of an eye, but he could understand why they were feeling angry and betrayed.
Derek went on. “All these months, we thought she was dead. We mourned our friend; we struggled to accept her death, to move on, to forgive ourselves for not saving her. And now you tell us that you knew she is alive?”
Garcia bit her lower lip, unsure of what to say or do. Rossi was nodding slowly, agreeing with Derek.
“I need some air,” announced Spencer, getting up and walking quickly towards the door. Derek shot another angry look at Hotch and JJ, then turned around and followed him.
The room was silent for a few seconds.
“I think your phone is vibrating,” Seaver murmured after a while, almost afraid to talk. She nodded in the direction of Hotch’s jacket. His inside pocket was buzzing lightly.
Hotch looked at the caller ID. “I have to take this.”
~
“Spencer, wait!” Derek quickly followed him down the stairs to the bullpen and into the elevator. Once the doors were closed and Spencer had pushed the button to the roof, he took his hand in his and squeezed it for a moment.
“I just- I can’t-,” Spencer said. He leaned against the wall and rested his head back against it. He felt the beginning of a headache throbbing against his temples and covered his eyes with his free hand.
Derek moved by his side and let go of his hand only to rub his arm and shoulder. “I know. Me neither.”
Despite knowing that the sunlight would hurt his eyes, Spencer headed out of the elevator as soon as the doors opened. He felt like he could barely breathe inside the building. Derek followed him as he went to hide in a small shady area. Resting a hand on the small of his back, he offered him the sunglasses he kept hooked to the neckline of his t-shirt. Spencer took them gratefully.
The headache wasn’t a bad one. He just needed to stay away from strong lights for a few hours and he’d be fine. He wrapped his arms around Derek’s neck and pillowed his head on his shoulder, leaning against him. Derek’s arms slid around his waist as he pressed a kiss to Spencer’s forehead.
They stood there, trying to make sense of what they’d just been told.
“She’s alive,” Spencer said after a few minutes, breaking the embrace. “She’s out there, somewhere, alive. Living her life. A new life. We saved her, Derek. We saved her. And now that Doyle’s in prison, she can come back. She can have her old life back.”
“If we hadn’t wasted time and energy mourning her death, we would have gotten Doyle weeks, maybe even months ago. She would be here with us right now instead of alone somewhere, fearing for her life.” Derek balled his hands into fists. “They had no right to keep it from us, she’s our friend… God, she’s more than a friend. She’s family.”
Spencer tightened his lips. He wanted to be happy that Emily was alive and forget everything else, but he couldn’t help but feel betrayed. “I-I just want her to come back and for things to go back to normal.”
“I don’t know if things can go back to normal. Honestly, I don’t know if I can trust Hotch again, or if I want to for that matter.”
“It’s our team. We have to at least try.”
Derek shrugged. “I guess.”
In that moment, both of their phones rang. They looked at each other.
“Garcia.”
“Rossi.” Spencer sighed. “We’d better go.”
~
The tension on the jet was almost suffocating. From the way they were seated - with Hotch slightly isolated from the rest of the team - to how they refused to share any word that wasn’t strictly related to the case, it would have been clear to anyone that something was wrong.
Spencer’s headache was getting better, but he was still wearing sunglasses. Derek’s sunglasses, even though he had his own in his messenger bag. Somehow, though, wearing something of Derek’s seemed like a big rebellious act against-against who? It wasn’t like Hotch didn’t approve of their relationship.
“So, when is Emily coming back?” he asked Rossi as they were getting ready to land. JJ must have told them while he was on the roof with Derek.
Rossi’s reply wasn’t what he’d hoped for: “We don’t know. They’re having a hard time contacting her since they need to find her first. They know what name she’s using, of course. They also know that she’s in Europe. But since she’s not in immediate danger and she’s not a criminal, the European governments are refusing to give up any information they have. Last time she checked in, she was in Germany, but that was over two weeks ago. They are going to find her, of course, it will just require a few more days of paperwork and phone calls between Embassies.”
Spencer nodded slightly. “What are you not telling me?”
The question earned him a ‘I hate talking to other profilers’ look from Rossi. “Reid, the truth is, it’s been six months. And six months are a long time when you’re starting a new life. A lot of things have probably changed. She may-she may decide not to come back. I mean, have you ever wished you could leave this job behind?”
Wrapping his arms protectively over his chest, Spencer looked away. “Not Emily. She-she’s coming back.”
“I hope so,” Rossi said, then made his way to the exit.
Spencer waited for Derek and they got out of the plane together.
“I asked Rossi: it’s going to be a few more days before they’re able to contact her. Foreign governments only cooperate when it’s an emergency, and even then just barely. You know how it is.”
Derek nodded. “I guess we need to focus on the case, then.”
“Yeah, we do.” Spencer shot him a sideways glace. “Derek?”
“Yeah?”
“What if she decides she likes her new life better and doesn’t want to come back?”
Derek’s only answer was a tightening of the jaw, sign that he’d already considered the possibility but didn’t really want to think about it.
~
Fifty-two hours later, they were back on the jet. Defeated.
The unsub had managed not only to escape, but also to kill one more victim. One they could have saved, hadn’t they been distracted by their feelings. Now it was up to the local police to use the profile to try and find the unsub. Their job was done. Only, it didn’t feel that way.
The mood on the jet was heavy.
“Any news of Emily?” Seaver asked Rossi as she went to take a seat in front of him. They were taking off soon, so she secured her seatbelt.
Rossi shook his head. “I’ve called Strauss twenty minutes ago, they still don’t know anything.”
Spencer, who’d been following the conversation, sank deeper into his seat. He didn’t think he could deal with another person in his life leaving without saying goodbye, not even if the circumstances this time were different. He wouldn’t have blamed her, but he couldn’t even think about the possibility without feeling a knot in his stomach.
He felt the warmth of Derek’s hand covering his on the armrest and closed his eyes. A soft kiss was pressed to his temple, then Derek’s arm slid around his shoulders. Spencer resisted for a moment, then gave in and rested his head on Derek’s shoulder.
“We shouldn’t,” he whispered. “Rule number one.”
“Fuck the rules.” Derek didn’t let him go. Never before had he kissed or even hugged Spencer like that in front of the others. Not even when Spencer had been in pain from his knee or from a headache. Not unless they were out together in their free time. But it was different then, because they weren’t profilers or co-workers when they hanged out together like that: they were friends.
Right now, he didn’t care that they were technically still on the job. He didn’t care that it threatened to strain even more the already precarious balance between the members of the team. It actually felt strangely good to kiss Spencer on the FBI jet, while Hotch was watching them. It was as if by breaking the rules he was taking some sort of revenge for being lied to. Above all, though, he was challenging Hotch to dare to say anything and silently hoping that he would. He was just one word away from punching him in the face and was only waiting for the smallest of reasons to do it.
Not that he would have admitted it to anyone or even to himself, of course. But Spencer knew. He also knew that if Emily didn’t came back, the team would fall apart. And even if she came back, Spencer wasn’t sure it would be enough at this point.
Chapter 10: Heart