Fanfic: Empty [Criminal Minds]
Title: Empty
Author: wanderingjasper
Rating: PG13
Characters: Morgan/Reid
Word Count: 755
Themes: Angst.
Warning: Miscarriage, mpreg.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, but I do take liberties with them for no financial gain.
Notes: One-shot. Fill for the wild card/free space prompt at angst_bingo, interpreted as "miscarriage".
Summary: Reid considers the loss.
“There is an ache in my heart for the imagined beauty of a life I haven't had, from which I had been locked out, and it never goes away.” - Robert Goolrick
Morgan had changed the sheets, but Reid remembered the sight of the blood all over them, wiped across his legs, even spread over onto Morgan. He’d thought he was haemorrhaging. He hadn’t even known he was pregnant until they were at the hospital being informed Reid was miscarrying.
He wondered if he’d still feel the ache in his chest if the whole thing had been neater; if the pregnancy had simply aborted as many did and been absorbed into the body, or if there hadn’t been so much blood and if there hadn’t been any pain. They were both on birth control. They hadn’t talked about children.
But it felt like a loss, and that confused Reid, because he hadn’t even known he had anything growing inside him until his body was violently expelling it. He pushed the clothing off his body and crawled gingerly into the freshly dressed bed.
The doctors had run tests and estimated he had been at twelve weeks gestation when the spontaneous abortion occurred. Apparently his pregnancy had been non-typical concerning symptoms; he hadn’t noticed any physical changes, no nausea, no swelling. He hadn’t been aware, and yet he felt empty, somehow. He knew it was a ridiculous feeling, considering how full of organs and processes his abdomen was.
Morgan had shaken him awake, already on the phone calling for an ambulance. “You’re bleeding,” he’d choked out, terrified. “You’re bleeding.” There had been blood all over his hands from where he’d investigated the dampness in half-sleep.
Pregnancy hadn’t even occurred to him as he was wheeled into the emergency room, or when Morgan clutched at his hand to reassure him. When the doctor had said he was miscarrying Reid had been watching Morgan’s face; he’d seen the shock, then the appalled disbelief, seen his jaw set and his eyes shimmer in the light with dampness.
He’d known in that instant that to Morgan it automatically registered as watching him lose their baby, and not simply a pregnancy ending, or a non-viable foetus being expelled. He hadn’t known how to react, but he’d been distracted by movement and touch and pain like he didn’t know he could experience.
Spencer had been pregnant for twelve weeks and he hadn’t had any idea; that knowledge made his eyes prickle with hot tears he fought to keep at bay. They felt like weeks stolen, experience and discovery hidden and taken from him.
He heard bare footfalls across the wooden floor, and the sound of Derek slipping out of his clothing. He got into bed beside his partner, both facing inwards towards each other.
“Hey sweetheart,” he said gently, gentle fingertips stroking a lock of hair out of his face. “How you doing?”
Reid nodded, pressing his tongue hard into the back of his bottom teeth to try and stop the shuddering breath that was threatening to come through. He didn’t want to cry, because it seemed illogical; he hadn’t known he was losing anything. He hadn’t formed any attachment to the foetus. He hadn’t even wanted to be pregnant. But it made him want to scream out that he wasn’t.
“I’m sorry,” he blurted, watching as Morgan’s mouth opened in surprise. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry!”
“Hey, hey,” Morgan pulled Reid towards him, against his strong warm chest, “you’ve got nothing to be sorry for. It wasn’t your fault.”
Reid couldn’t stop the sob, and once it had broken free more followed; hot tears and broken noises against Morgan’s chest, clinging to him like he needed him to stay afloat. He curled up, wanting to be small, to make the emptiness he felt smaller by making himself smaller too. Derek accommodated him, smoothing his hands down his back, a touch that should have soothed him into stillness but now didn’t feel like enough.
He felt damaged, incomplete even with the man he loved wrapped around him, hands holding him as he shook and sobbed with a grief he didn’t understand. He didn’t know that he had anything to grieve for; he hadn’t known he was losing anything.
“Every morning, I wake up and forget just for a second that it happened. But once my eyes open, it buries me like a landslide of sharp, sad rocks. Once my eyes open, I'm heavy, like there's to much gravity on my heart.” - Sarah Ockler