Fanfic: Amen [Criminal Minds]
Title: Amen
Author: wanderingjasper
Rating: R/FRM
Characters: Morgan
Word Count: 1949
Themes: Angst.
Warning: References and mild descriptions of sexual abuse of a minor, instances of anti-gay slurs.
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, but I do take liberties with them for no financial gain.
Notes: Some of the first ones start off sounding a little like diary entries, but I needed them to set up the format.
Summary: A collection of Morgan's prayers from 11-16.
Carl took me to his cabin this weekend. We went fishing in his boat and I caught four fish. We chopped wood for the fire too and camped outside the cabin in a tent one night. And he taught me to swim! I need more lessons to get better though, but Carl says we can go to his cabin again in two weeks. I didn’t have any swimming trunks and neither did he so we went in the lake in our underwear. Carl stayed in longer than I did, and then we cooked hotdogs on a fire. Carl says he’s going to help me get real good at football. Thank you for Carl, and for my family.
Amen.
I can swim even better now, Carl showed me about the different strokes. Mom got me a pair of trunks this time but Carl still didn’t have any so we went in the lake in our underwear again so we could be the same. We wrestled a lot but Carl said we shouldn’t tell anyone because my mom would be mad if he knew I was fighting again even though it was just playing around. I like that Carl treats me like a grown up. I like that.
Amen.
When we at the cabin this time Carl let me have some of his beer. It tastes weird but he said I was mature enough to have it. He said if men have a son who’s mature they let them have beer when they’re eleven. I don’t know if my dad would have, or if mom would let me. But Carl said he knows I’m trustworthy and I won’t worry my mom by telling her. I don’t want to worry her. Sometimes she’s still sad about dad even though she pretends not to be. I hope he’s okay in heaven, and that he knows Carl is helping me so I can help my mom.
Amen.
Last weekend at the cabin Carl dared me to jump into the lake without my swimsuit on and I did! I’m pretty good at swimming now. He let me have wine this time and we watched some cartoons he had on tape. On the couch he kept stroking my leg. It was kinda weird. Next week is the last week before I go back to school, and I hope we get to go to the cabin again.
Amen.
Dear God, I think I did a bad thing. When we went to the cabin this weekend I drank some vodka and then on the couch Carl put his hand on my leg again. Then he rubbed me through my pants until I... you know. I don’t think you’re supposed to do that, are you? Carl said it’s okay, he just wanted to make me feel good. I don’t think it’s okay though. I don’t know.
Amen.
I stayed late at the youth center today, helping Carl pack up the equipment. Then we went to his office and he unzipped his pants. He said I should make him feel good like he made me feel good at the cabin. I didn’t want to touch his wiener but he said I had to because he’d been taking me to his cabin all summer. I did like the cabin. And he said maybe we could go next year too. So I touched it. It was weird doing it to someone else. I don’t want to happen again.
Amen.
It happened again, God. It was at the youth center again but this time he got me to take my pants off. He says it has to be a secret. We played football after. He says he can trust me with keeping secrets. Praying doesn’t count as telling, does it?
Amen.
Carl says him touching me and me touching him is normal. But if it’s normal why doesn’t anyone talk about it? I don’t know if I like it. It feels good sometimes when he does it, but I don’t think we should be doing it. Should we?
Amen.
I guess you know it’s my birthday today. I had a party after school and mom baked a chocolate cake. I saw Carl on the way home and he said he’d give me my birthday present when he saw me. Thank you for Carl, God.
Amen.
Dear God, he said it’s what special boys get to do when they turn twelve and become men. He said I was definitely ready because I’ve got hairs in my armpits and I’m getting so strong. But it hurt and I don’t want him to do it again. Please. He said if his fingers were wet it wouldn’t hurt but it did. And afterwards he used his mouth on me that that felt weird, but good... but it still hurt there. I don’t want it to happen again. Please.
Amen.
Please God, I’m scared. Please stop it. Please make him stop. Please, it’s happening more. Please. Please God.
Amen.
Dear God, please stop him. I don’t want to do it again. We’re not supposed to do it. I don’t like it. Please. Please.
Amen.
Dear God, are you listening? Please listen to me. I need to know if you can hear me. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m scared. He asked me if I knew what condoms were for and when I said I did he said that was good because we were going to do that. I don’t understand what he means, because I think he means sex but I’m not a girl. Please make it all stop.
Amen.
Please! Please God, please! Don’t let him do it to me again. It hurts, God. Why is he doing it? He says he cares about me, but it hurts. I can’t tell anyone, I need you to make it stop. Please. Please god, please.
Amen.
I asked the pastor why you don’t answer prayers, and he said he grants prayers if it’s what we need to happen. I need this to stop. Please God, I do. I keep praying because I know I need this to not happen. I don’t want it, I don’t like it. Please God, please stop it. I love you, please God.
Amen.
I’m sorry I didn’t pray yesterday. I fell asleep, I’m sorry. Please God, please. Please stop it. He asked me to help him at the youth center again tomorrow and I know what he’ll want me to do. I know he likes it and he says he’s proud of me but I don’t want to do it anymore. Please God, please. Please stop it.
Amen.
God, please. I need you to stop it. He’s touched me every day this week, and I don’t want it to happen again. He says I like it and I... I say that I do, because when he gets upset... I don’t want to do this anymore. Please, God. Please.
Amen.
The old women at church say homosexuality is a sin that you go to hell for. That’s where men get with men like they normally would get with women. It’s what everyone calls being a fag. Mom said they’re all old and backwards and god doesn’t hate people for that and I shouldn’t say fag, but... I think that’s what Carl is doing to me. I don’t want to go to hell. Am I going to go to hell, God? Am I a fag because of this? Please don’t send me to hell. I can’t stop him on my own, I need you to help me. Stop him, please.
Amen.
I’ve worked out I’ve prayed over eight hundred times since... it started. Why don’t you answer? It’s probably more, because sometimes I pray twice a day. I need you to stop this. Stop this. Stop him.
Amen. Please God.
I thought that Carl would be happy with me that I collected money for that dead boy’s grave so he could be buried properly. But he just... he didn’t want to do anything today. I think maybe it’s going to stop now. Thank you God. Thank you! Thank you.
Amen.
I thought you’d stopped it, I really did. But you didn’t. You didn’t stop him at all, you let him get worse. I didn’t know it could get worse. Why won’t you stop this? What kind of plan is this? I don’t understand. Please, help me understand. Please, God.
Amen.
Where are you? God? Where are you? You’re not here. You’re not listening. How can you be? Or you’d hear me. You have to of heard me. I ask you every day to make it stop. I ask for help to make it stop because I can’t... I can’t. Please, God. I need your help.
Amen.
Things aren’t getting better, even though it’s not happening as much. He calls me strong and growing and handsome and I want to yell at him or hit him. He says the gym is doing me good. I want to get strong. Please, help me. Help me God. Help me.
Amen.
Please make it stop make it stop it hurts it hurts stop it please stop it please please please God stop it!
Amen.
Dear God. That’s how it starts. I didn’t pray this week. You don’t listen. I... I don’t even know if you’re there. Sometimes I wonder how you can be, because this isn’t fair. This isn’t fair what you’re doing, what he’s doing. I need you to help me. Please listen, God. Please listen and help me.
Amen.
Please God, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything, please just make him stop. I just want it to stop. He’s gonna help me get into college, but I want him to stop. I want him to care about me like he did before this. Before... please. Please make him stop.
Amen.
Please god, kill him. Just kill him. It’s the only way he’ll stop. I thought he was going to stop, it’s been weeks, and then... I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want him to touch me. When my mom hugs me I just think about how she feels so different. And I’d break her heart if I told her. I can’t tell her. I can’t tell anyone. But I told you, and you’ve abandoned me. You don’t listen. Please, kill him. I want him to die. I want it to stop. Please. God, please!
Amen.
I don’t even know why I’m here. It suddenly just made sense, really, that you don’t exist. But I’m sitting here talking to you. I guess it’s never been about you, it’s about me. Maybe I was trying to kid myself I wasn’t alone. But the moment I knew, when I absolutely knew that there is no god was when I asked myself if my father was up there in heaven, why he wouldn’t have made you stop it. He’d of done something, even if all he could give me was a sign. I never even got that. He’s not there. You’re not there. I’m sitting in damn church talking to you in my head. That’s the only place you’ve ever been. I used to try praying aloud sometimes, remember, God? Just in case you couldn’t hear me. You never heard me. You don’t exist. Why am I even praying? He doesn’t exist. God does not exist. I am alone. And I’m done. I am going to stop this.
Amen.
Please God. Please. Please help me. Please save me. I’m sorry, please. Please help me. I’ll do anything, anything but what Carl makes me do. Please God, please make it stop. Please help me. I’ll do anything.
Amen.