Forget and Forgive: An Apology (Chapter 3)
Title: An Apology (Chapter 3)
Series: Forget and Forgive
Author: just_unravel
Prompt: #18 restless
Rating: PG
Pairings: Pre-Rayne
Warning: Here be the angst.
It felt as if the walls of Jayne's bunk were closing in on him and he was beginning to feel suffocated. It did not surprise him though; he spent most of the day holed up there, away from the questions to explain what exactly happened during breakfast. Kaylee tried to lure him out with the promise of a special treat for dinner, but he remained steadfast in his isolation.
If he was truthful, he wasn't avoiding the questions the others had for him, but the ones he had for himself. The ones that surrounded her. What did he want from her and how long would he want it for?
Despite evidence to the contrary, Jayne was well aware of the type of man he was and wasn't. To him, loyalty had a price and faithfulness was for the unadventurous. He lived by base instinct: want, take, have. Outside of that, you stumbled into concepts like fidelity and friendship and love; concepts that had no place in a life where you were just trying to survive out in the Black. What could he offer her with a character like that?
He had every intention of leaving the girl alone. No matter how much he wanted her, he knew he could never take her, nor could he ever have her. If he was destined to be a bad man for the rest of his life, he--at the very least--wanted to be able to look back and see this as the one thing he did right.
But seeing her this morning made it hard to keep his resolve. He looked at her and saw something more than just present need; he saw hope. Hope that he could change. Hope that he wasn't destined for the life he convinced himself he deserved. It didn't matter though. When he caught sight of that small smile meant only for him, he remembered himself and looked away.
Gorrammit. This was exactly what he was trying to avoid. Restless, he climbed up his ladder to find something to keep his mind occupied. He tried vainly to fix himself something to eat, but he wasn't hungry; he went to his weight bench but lacked the motivation to even pick up a dumbbell.
Still unsure of what exactly he was doing, Jayne started towards the passenger dorms. There was a need to see her, to be in the same room with her. Carefully, he opened the sliding door to her room and he saw her lying there; something quieted in his mind. He inched closer to her bed and knelt beside her, just to get a closer look.
She looked so peaceful...serene. Innocent. Fragile. At that moment, Jayne knew why the Captain did what he did. Mal knew that Jayne's roughness would damage the girl, taint her in some way. The mercenary knew now what he had to do.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. For havin' to forget you, the apology finishing in his mind. Jayne backed away from her when she began to stir. With one final glance at her sleeping form, he disappeared through the door and headed towards his bunk.
"I'm sorry for letting you forget," River finally replied to the empty room. She closed her eyes in hope that it would prevent the tears that were already forming.
The next morning, Jayne left the boat.
<< Chapter 2 || Chapter 4 >>
Series: Forget and Forgive
Author: just_unravel
Prompt: #18 restless
Rating: PG
Pairings: Pre-Rayne
Warning: Here be the angst.
It felt as if the walls of Jayne's bunk were closing in on him and he was beginning to feel suffocated. It did not surprise him though; he spent most of the day holed up there, away from the questions to explain what exactly happened during breakfast. Kaylee tried to lure him out with the promise of a special treat for dinner, but he remained steadfast in his isolation.
If he was truthful, he wasn't avoiding the questions the others had for him, but the ones he had for himself. The ones that surrounded her. What did he want from her and how long would he want it for?
Despite evidence to the contrary, Jayne was well aware of the type of man he was and wasn't. To him, loyalty had a price and faithfulness was for the unadventurous. He lived by base instinct: want, take, have. Outside of that, you stumbled into concepts like fidelity and friendship and love; concepts that had no place in a life where you were just trying to survive out in the Black. What could he offer her with a character like that?
He had every intention of leaving the girl alone. No matter how much he wanted her, he knew he could never take her, nor could he ever have her. If he was destined to be a bad man for the rest of his life, he--at the very least--wanted to be able to look back and see this as the one thing he did right.
But seeing her this morning made it hard to keep his resolve. He looked at her and saw something more than just present need; he saw hope. Hope that he could change. Hope that he wasn't destined for the life he convinced himself he deserved. It didn't matter though. When he caught sight of that small smile meant only for him, he remembered himself and looked away.
Gorrammit. This was exactly what he was trying to avoid. Restless, he climbed up his ladder to find something to keep his mind occupied. He tried vainly to fix himself something to eat, but he wasn't hungry; he went to his weight bench but lacked the motivation to even pick up a dumbbell.
Still unsure of what exactly he was doing, Jayne started towards the passenger dorms. There was a need to see her, to be in the same room with her. Carefully, he opened the sliding door to her room and he saw her lying there; something quieted in his mind. He inched closer to her bed and knelt beside her, just to get a closer look.
She looked so peaceful...serene. Innocent. Fragile. At that moment, Jayne knew why the Captain did what he did. Mal knew that Jayne's roughness would damage the girl, taint her in some way. The mercenary knew now what he had to do.
"I'm sorry," he whispered. For havin' to forget you, the apology finishing in his mind. Jayne backed away from her when she began to stir. With one final glance at her sleeping form, he disappeared through the door and headed towards his bunk.
"I'm sorry for letting you forget," River finally replied to the empty room. She closed her eyes in hope that it would prevent the tears that were already forming.
The next morning, Jayne left the boat.
<< Chapter 2 || Chapter 4 >>