Why I (Don't) Write What I Write [Series]
This is probably going to be the shortest, most straightforward entry in the series. But it contains discussions of suicide/suicidal themes.
Mental illness runs in my family. Currently, to the tune of $105 a month, I'm pretty stable and happy with my life. But it's something I've struggled with.
When I was 21, my brother tried to kill himself. He didn't succeed, thankfully, but it was the start of his own struggles with mental illness.
A few months later, I was supposed to read a play for a Women's Studies class at college. The play ('night, Mother) dealt very heavily with suicidal themes. It took me hours longer to read than it should have. I sat in my school library, tears pouring down my cheeks, having to repeatedly stop reading and get myself under control before I could continue. If I had it to do over again, I probably would have asked the professor whether I could complete an alternate assignment.
That was years ago. My brother is doing much better now. But I'm still not in a place where I can deal with explicit suicidal themes.
There are exceptions to this. I recently wrote an Avengers fic that discussed Bruce Banner's (canon) suicide attempt in passing. Reckless endangerment is certainly a theme in my writings. Sometimes my writings include homicide, but I usually have to draw the line at grieving loved ones.
The point of 'night, Mother, and the point of my own life, is that it's the loved ones who suffer. I had tried to kill myself three separate times before I went to college, but suicide didn't trigger me or upset me. After nearly losing my brother, it devastated me. Currently, I can handle it, briefly and in passing, but I can't handle examinations of it. I can't handle looking at the pain it causes the people left behind.
Mental illness runs in my family. Currently, to the tune of $105 a month, I'm pretty stable and happy with my life. But it's something I've struggled with.
When I was 21, my brother tried to kill himself. He didn't succeed, thankfully, but it was the start of his own struggles with mental illness.
A few months later, I was supposed to read a play for a Women's Studies class at college. The play ('night, Mother) dealt very heavily with suicidal themes. It took me hours longer to read than it should have. I sat in my school library, tears pouring down my cheeks, having to repeatedly stop reading and get myself under control before I could continue. If I had it to do over again, I probably would have asked the professor whether I could complete an alternate assignment.
That was years ago. My brother is doing much better now. But I'm still not in a place where I can deal with explicit suicidal themes.
There are exceptions to this. I recently wrote an Avengers fic that discussed Bruce Banner's (canon) suicide attempt in passing. Reckless endangerment is certainly a theme in my writings. Sometimes my writings include homicide, but I usually have to draw the line at grieving loved ones.
The point of 'night, Mother, and the point of my own life, is that it's the loved ones who suffer. I had tried to kill myself three separate times before I went to college, but suicide didn't trigger me or upset me. After nearly losing my brother, it devastated me. Currently, I can handle it, briefly and in passing, but I can't handle examinations of it. I can't handle looking at the pain it causes the people left behind.