(no subject)
I want everything to stop making me life a living hell. This year I have only went one day without crying... ONE FUCKING DAY!
-Myself
-Amber
-Meagan
-Rachelle
-Stephy
-Brandon
-Ashley
-Tiffany
-Jessica
-Jessica
-Brittney
-Dan
-Jessica
-Everyone in my new 2nd hour
-Shayna
-Kayla
-Ashley
-Lauren
-Justin
-Marjorie
-Sometimes Jerad
-Sometimes Nick
Ehh I've lost my mind I really can't think right now... but the one that ruins my day most of the time is my dad/mom. Mostly my Dad.
So Sean bit me today my arm still hurts from that too :/ the abuse I put up with.
How much I love Sean but yet how he hurts me too much. Well I figure he really doesn't but people around me do, by saying things about him. I'm tired of hearing shit but I'm not just gunna end it because of that like I usually do, I'm going to have to believe/trust Sean on this, Yet I hardly believe/trust anyone at all.
I'm slipping away... I can feel me slowing dying, I must have a desies or something that is unknown because of how I feel. I can't remember a lot of things lately, peoples names what i did just a minute ago, it used to be because i was lazy and didn't want to think but I want to think I want to remember... but now everything is a blank and it feels like my heart is gone, or slipping away. :( I'm so sad and I don't know why. Seans everything I ever asked her exception of the drugs though, I mean before I met him I had a dream about him, about that one night that happened and it came true one of my dreams came true, well the kind you see when you sleep. Its amazing. And hes true, and I'm taking things for granted I guess, I'm such a bad person, he shouldn't have to deal with me really he shouldn't, I feel like braking down and crying. I feel like I'm worthless how everyone treats me, not phyically but mentally, I mean sure Sean hits me and plays around but thats another thing I asked for, I've always asked myself why does every guy have to baby there girl? Why can't they mess around and wrestle with them and have a good time that way? I believed I could at that time and I do have a good time except when he doesn't know when to stop, in history he hit me so hard he made me cry but the bell rang before he could see my tears. I hate crying in front of people I have such an ugly face, why does everyone have to be so beautiful and me so ugly? :/ I wanna be held in his arms for so long just talking, but thats never going to happen, were to sexually with each other. I'm begginning to think that, thats all our relationship is about, well on his part, I mean I have feelings for him oh so much that i can't explain, I couldn't see myself with another person, and I cry myself to sleep because I'm soo happy that he had the same feelings back, see I'm mixing up things I just said that the relationship was based on only sexually but then i said i know he has the feelings back.. I guess I don't have full trust of him? Maybe, I don't know. I can't ever figure myself out, I always thought I needed time alone and now that I have it I hate it oh so badly. Really I do. I hate being alone all day, it feels like everyone just hates me, but thats not the case. I feel left out on tons of things though, no one ever tells me anything. I'm starting to feel like rima. I think shes the only one that would understand me on this part, because everyone is loved oh so much by everyone else, they have a great relationship with their parents and they have great friends, but me I think I am taking them for granted I can never do anything that I want to for them, either I'm too lazy, I'm broke, and what not.
I'm done for the day, I cant think anymore, I don't even remember what I typed up there.