[seven]
I feel silly writing this in code but Saeki says I should update more to organize my thoughts and I don't want hackers reading this. Maybe it will help? Anything's worth a try even if I don't know where to start. I'm sick. I know I'm sick but I'm not sure why or how unless this has something to do with that. The words come so easily when I talk to Saeki but not so easily when I'm alone or with anyone else. It makes no sense that Saeki should be safe when he's the most unsafe person I know. Maybe it's my ego talking but he's always been good to me. I never would've thought of writing my entries in code to keep everything secret. A better secret than whatever's going on between Bunta and Atobe, at any rate. Must be pretty serious for Atobe to growl at me like that. I can take a hint and he offered me ice cream anyway so he can't be all that bad. I think he's a better match for Bunta than Taki is. Taki's nice and all but he's just not in Bunta's league. I'll say it here where I won't be heard but Bunta can do better. Does that make me a bad friend? No matter how I rationalize it, that's what it comes down to. He's a big boy, he can make his own choices and live his own life but I can't approve and I want to so much. I want to be a good sister and support him but I can't. I can't and it hurts so much and it's so stupid. I should be over this, all of it. It was years ago and it was a silly childhood crush. Of course, it wouldn't go anywhere or ever go anywhere because stupid shit like that just happens in movies and books, never in real life. There's no hope, there's never been any hope, there'll never be any hope. And it's always there, it's always in Mom's eyes, every time she looks at me or hears his name and she knows it hurts me. I'm a failure in her eyes, I'm a bad daughter, a bad woman. I can't give her grandchildren or even catch a husband because I'm not trying hard enough. I'm not looking in the right places or at the right men. Why don't I call up Bunta or Keisuke's friend? Things with Keisuke might not have worked out but there's still other men out there. Why don't you stop playing around, An, and go back to school if you don't like computers? Why don't you come home more often, An? Why don't you move out of that shoebox and into a townhouse, An? Why aren't you married yet, An? Other women your age are married with children n
[Could you pick me up when you go to work Monday? We can take my car if you want but would you mind going in with me to the Agency? I need to talk to someone official, see what procedures I need to go through to halt my training.]
[OOC: Private cut gone. An had a nervous breakdown around the 6th and she's been calling in sick when she remembers to or when someone reminded her to. She's doing better now but she's still pretty sick. :/ She's been letting all calls go to voice mail and turning away visitors on grounds that she isn't well. She'll be going in on Monday to work out official arrangements for a sick leave, possibly inquire about a temporary transfer to the tech division if she can't get an indefinite sick leave. As for the code thing, An's suddenly paranoid about hackers reading her private cuts and so those will be in Caesar's Code (move each letter down three spaces in the alphabet) and marked by italics since I'm much too lazy to write everything in code. :D; But yeah, all of her private entries will look like a bunch of gibberish. :D;]