[eleven]

Sep 09, 2006 22:06

Smap? :(

Just what is he trying to pu


[asililjiljl what the hell am I supposed to do??? Stupid Saeki and his stupid messages and his stupid EVERYTHING. D: ajsliafjila how can he do this to me? What if he comes here wanting to dance and WE CAN'T DO THAT ANYMORE. D: Not here, not at the clubs, and not anywhere and just what is he trying to do, is he trying to ruin everything with Hiroshi already, I wish he'd make up his mind and stop doing this all the time, it's hard and I have doctors to go to and I wanna go back to work soon, he can't do this, why is he doing this to meeeeee ;_;

ASFDJLJFLAFJLIAFJLAIJLFJLFJEILA

I'm not ready for this yet!!!! ;_________________; Dammit, I knew I should've deleted his number, I'm such an idiot, and I wrote that letter to Hiroshi and everything but I don't regret that because it was true but what if

Okay, I'm being ridiculous, irrational, and fifteen. Only a fifteen year old would think producing a boyfriend, faux or not, as a plausible solution to a problem that probably doesn't even exist. What's between me and Hiroshi has nothing to do with what's between me and Saeki. They're two completely different partnerships, even if they include the same person - me. I'm the common denominator here, not men, so the problems are mine to work through. I can't go to Saeki or Hiroshi or anyone and ask them to kiss it and make it better; I can ask for input but I can't ask for a ready made solution. Only I know the right solution that's for me because I'm the only one that can completely know my own mind.

It's not going to be easy. Life isn't easy nor do I want it to be, otherwise I'd go through it bored out of my mind. It's supposed to be a challenge and if I fail at getting what I want the first time, I just have to get to my feet, and try again and keep trying until I get somewhere but with greater care and respect this time. I'm stronger than I believe I am; that's something I need to work on building - self-confidence. Self-confidence, self-esteem, the real things not arrogance and vanity. An-chan has a lot left to learn but it's not an impossible task.

She's learned a lot about herself so far - she likes cute things, gory movies, and bubble baths. She likes dogs and animals in general. She likes violence but not inflicting pain on other people, she likes the thrill of the chase and the hunt. She likes ice cream and rocky road's still her favorite. She likes romance novels and crime dramas and talk shows. She likes reading and watching things about the Holocaust. She likes astrology, too, and wants to learn how to write people's horoscopes, real ones, not like the dumb ones in the newspaper. She likes codes and thinks it'd be really cool if there was a code for spies written in the form of horoscopes because no one ever pays attention to them and they're easy to hide in a newspaper - right in plain sight and wonders if anyone's ever thought of that before, people at the Agency or anyone they've encountered.

She wonders if she's cut out for the field at all, if she might not be dangerous to herself or teammates. She wonders if she might not be better off in the tech department, if she'd be satisfied there. She still loves hacking and coding virii and writing programs and messing up people's networks and wonders if the Agency would have a use for skills like that, things she's confident that she can handle and do to the best of her ability. She likes the idea of being a tech better than a field agent right now but she's not ready to change, just yet.

She's still sick and she needs to remember how to examine herself without having to dissociate to do it.

There, that's better. :)

Maybe there's something to these self-help books Mom dropped off after all...?]

[OOC: Strike gone. She was feeling better about life, the universe, and everything, so she decided to make a short phone call to Saeki to see how he was doing and was told to watch that video and that he had a surprise for her which made her spaz. :D;]
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