[eighteen]
[Way to go, Tachibana. Way to show the whole world what a fruitcake you are. You're not going to just sweep this one under the rug like you do everything else. No, I. I showed them. I did this.
Where the fuck do I even begin fighting this. Half the the time I don't even remember the shit I say or do. I'm one person. One person. One. I'm not a different An for everyone I meet. I'm one An. One Tachibana An.
When did I start feeling so numb? So disconnected from my own life? Did this start because of the promise ring? Because Seiichi and I got back together? The thought of being apart from him hurts but maybe it's a hurt that has to happen. No, leaving Seiichi isn't going to solve anything.
There has to be a way to beat this. I can't live my life like this anymore. There has to be something I can do to give Atobe the information he needs. Release forms, something. Some kind of treatment, hospitalization, whatever it takes. I just don't trust myself anymore.
After the wake, I wonder if I'm at a point where I should consider signing control of my treatment over to someone else. I don't know how these things are done. I don't know what's best for me anymore. I only know what is good enough and what isn't. I'm completely out of my league.
I know who I want to ask. I want to ask Bunta. He's a professional. He knows all of this stuff I don't. My instincts tell me he's the right person but I don't know if he would. Logic tells me that this is a stupid idea, especially after what I did. If I was in his position... I have to ask, even if he refuses. Even if I'm jumping the gun, I need to take steps in the event I become that way in the future.
But one step at a time. Regardless of what lies ahead, I want to rebuild this bridge and build it properly. This time without rotten wood.]
[I owe you an apology for my behavior at the wake. There is no excuse for what I said, an explanation, but not an excuse. I would like to apologize in person tomorrow and explain myself, if at all possible.
Sincerely yours,
Tachibana An]
[If you did not see the commotion at the Maruis' wake, I am certain word of it must have reached you by now. There is no graceful way to say this so I will be as blunt and to the point as possible. There was an instance at the wake when I was not myself and I said something that angered Mrs. Marui while I was not myself. I wish to keep this communication as brief as possible, as my head feels strange the more I talk to people here, but I felt you should be informed.
I will be present for my evaluation on Thursday at 4pm as scheduled.
Thank you for your time.
Tachibana An]
[OOC: An had a loopy moment at the Marui family's private wake that earned her a slap from Mrs. Marui and the boot from the gathering, much to her family's embarrassment and displeasure.]