untitled

[just_tonic]

This is the first bit in a short I'm working on. Please, tell me what you think, where I can improve, what you think is going on. I should post another bit soon.

Comments

[nillion]

Not my style, not my forte in review... I'll do my best

[just_tonic]

thanks alot. I had some people here read it, and it was more of a "that's nice, dear," sort of thing. I'm certianly not done with it, in any way. I see your point about the first few sentances, and am changing them. It gets less and less . . . out there as it goes on, but the other scenes aren't really what I would even call drafts, so I didn't post them. I think I'm going to hold off posting until I finish, because this is a whole, and doen't really work when broken up into sections.

Thanks, love, and see you on the forums.

[nillion]

Holy. I had to hack that shorter because of a 4300 character limit in comments. Sorry if a few bits seem strange.

writing

[anonymous]

I don't have the critiquing skill that Nil posseses, but I will try. This was interesting.. it seems like a dream, not something physical, as Nil says. It was a little confusing at times - she's laughing, then "still" crying, but dancing; I was under the impression that it was evening when the story began but learned at the end that it was morning(?). Any way, I was still drawn in. I wanted to see what was going on. Will you be adding to it?

Divette

Re: writing

[just_tonic]

I hope so. Its about a third of what I had planned. I think it will make more sense after it done. Well, I think it will be more understandable, I don't know if I can ever make it make sense.