Honey - SGA - Humor
Title: Honey
Author: Abi
Rating: Um. No porn, exactly, but I wouldn't read it in polite company.
Summary: Teyla, Honey, put down the knife.
Author's Notes: Written for svmadelyn's Thirteen Challenge. I chose strippers. Thank you fashes, and seperis for audiencing and in general egging me on, and lierdumoa especially for the title *and* the summary, two things at which I suck mightily. Also? Oh my god, I'm on crack.
Honey
At first Rodney's eyes glazed over and his mouth opened and he panted a little.
And then, then he realized that all that tanned, glistening, naked skin, those long, hard thighs, those heavy, perfect breasts belonged to Teyla. Then, well, then he shrieked. Loudly. He kept muttering, “No, nonononono,” at increasing volume as he ripped off the tablecloth, overturning the candles which ignited the wine that had spilled quite dramatically. The tail of the tablecloth caught fire as he ran toward the stage, in turn catching fire to each table he knocked into on his way, which was, basically, all of them since he and Ronon had decided that it was eminently better to have a seat near the buffet than a good view of the stage and Rodney was running with his eyes shut when he wasn't gaping at the obscene jiggle of Teyla's boobies.
Had he been capable of rational thought at the moment, it would have gone something like this: What, have you people never heard of flame retardant material? You live in tents! We are all going to die in a fiery inferno because you are too stupid to live! I told Sheppard nothing good can come of raising bees! Only people insane enough to raise bees would put two million beeswax candles in a room this size! Which might have reminded him that he hadn't seen John or Ronon in an awfully long time and he might have thought to radio them for help which might have come just in the nick of time because John and Ronon were at that very moment trapped in a back room with a set of very unfortunately proportioned, yet extremely flexible young twins intent on showing them the many, varied and unusual uses for freaky alien honey, just looking for an excuse to run out of there with their guns drawn. Sadly, the only thoughts Rodney was capable of at that moment were don't look, don't look, don't look and oh my god, stop looking.
As Rodney tripped up onto the stage the supposedly-flame-retardant coating on his pant leg finally succumbed to the inevitable, but he failed to notice until he brought the burning tablecloth up to wrap around Teyla's body. Obviously that was his cue to shriek again, so he did, as well as flap the flaming tablecloth around like a matador's cape, beating it against the ground in a vain attempt to smother the fire for two seconds which managed to not only not put out the fire, but also, ingeniously, get his jacket going as well. Rodney ripped the jacket off, but one sleeve caught on his wrist. While attempting to shake it off, Rodney noticed the fire on his pants which was steadily burning up past the insulation of his military issue boots.
Teyla, lovely, helpful Teyla, pulled a knife from her hair (and Rodney had never loved Ronon more for teaching her that) and slid it under the waistband of his pants, cold metal sharp against the soft skin of his belly (which called for more shrieking if anything did) and dropped to her knees (actually much more calming than one might think under the circumstances), slicing the right leg as she went. Rodney thought it would be rather a lot more efficient if she had cut the left leg, since that was the leg on fire, but at that moment, anything that got him out of his pants was fine with him. She made another quick slice appallingly near his groin and ripped the fabric hard and in no time flat Rodney was naked from the waist down but for his boots. (Damn it, he'd had the boxers with the flying toasters on them for ten years!)
Rodney thought he might be in love for all of ten seconds until he found himself flat on his back with a lap full of Teyla, who had apparently decided that his t-shirt was in danger of catching fire as well, because she was slicing that right down the center (well, more or less center; it did take a slight detour around his right nipple.) Up this close Rodney could see the golden sheen of her skin, much shinier than he ever remembered seeing it before, and also, quite sticky where she touched him, and while that was not something he usually cared for, he was so relieved to be relieved of his pants that he didn't care if he got all sticky. His head lolled to the side and
“Jacket, jacket, jacket!” Rodney managed to say in a very manly and commanding tone of voice which was not at all high pitched or squeaky or in any way panicky. Teyla, quick to respond as ever, dragged her really freakishly sharp knife over the sleeve millimeters from Rodney's fingers and released him.
That was when Sheppard and Ronon decided to show up.
“Is this a private party, or can anyone join in?” Sheppard said, cocking an eyebrow as he looked down at Rodney who yelped and attempted to cover his exposed bits, but only succeeded in jostling Teyla back a bit further and rubbing her ass against parts which suggested rather loudly to Rodney's brain that they really ought to thank Teyla for ripping his pants off in whatever way she might desire as soon as humanly possible.
“I was just minding my own business, eating some of those little crab puff things and when I looked up you were gone and Teyla was naked,” Rodney explained lamely, Teyla all the while squirming in his lap and getting him sticky. “My pants were on fire! She helped me.”
“With the fire in your pants,” John said dryly. Very, very dryly.
“Sheppard. Fire,” Ronon grunted and nodded his head sharply at the fiery inferno behind them then back down at Rodney. “Fuck later. It's time to go, now.”
“Yes, yes, yes. A little help here?” Rodney flailed his arms as Teyla swiped her tongue across his nipple. “Wait, what?!”
Rodney later learned that there were in fact a number of unusual uses for freaky alien honey and that the effects were mostly temporary with no lasting side effects beyond the persistent compulsion to call Teyla 'Honey' and the twitch in Sheppard's left eye whenever he did so. They listed it in the mission report as potentially toxic and flammable and though Sheppard's was perfectly intact until they made it to his room, they listed the reason for newly requisitioned uniforms for the entire team as 'field damage'. John listed the request to discontinue honey in the rations from Earth as a security issue. No one asked. The SGC was familiar with freaky alien goo.
Author: Abi
Rating: Um. No porn, exactly, but I wouldn't read it in polite company.
Summary: Teyla, Honey, put down the knife.
Author's Notes: Written for svmadelyn's Thirteen Challenge. I chose strippers. Thank you fashes, and seperis for audiencing and in general egging me on, and lierdumoa especially for the title *and* the summary, two things at which I suck mightily. Also? Oh my god, I'm on crack.
Honey
At first Rodney's eyes glazed over and his mouth opened and he panted a little.
And then, then he realized that all that tanned, glistening, naked skin, those long, hard thighs, those heavy, perfect breasts belonged to Teyla. Then, well, then he shrieked. Loudly. He kept muttering, “No, nonononono,” at increasing volume as he ripped off the tablecloth, overturning the candles which ignited the wine that had spilled quite dramatically. The tail of the tablecloth caught fire as he ran toward the stage, in turn catching fire to each table he knocked into on his way, which was, basically, all of them since he and Ronon had decided that it was eminently better to have a seat near the buffet than a good view of the stage and Rodney was running with his eyes shut when he wasn't gaping at the obscene jiggle of Teyla's boobies.
Had he been capable of rational thought at the moment, it would have gone something like this: What, have you people never heard of flame retardant material? You live in tents! We are all going to die in a fiery inferno because you are too stupid to live! I told Sheppard nothing good can come of raising bees! Only people insane enough to raise bees would put two million beeswax candles in a room this size! Which might have reminded him that he hadn't seen John or Ronon in an awfully long time and he might have thought to radio them for help which might have come just in the nick of time because John and Ronon were at that very moment trapped in a back room with a set of very unfortunately proportioned, yet extremely flexible young twins intent on showing them the many, varied and unusual uses for freaky alien honey, just looking for an excuse to run out of there with their guns drawn. Sadly, the only thoughts Rodney was capable of at that moment were don't look, don't look, don't look and oh my god, stop looking.
As Rodney tripped up onto the stage the supposedly-flame-retardant coating on his pant leg finally succumbed to the inevitable, but he failed to notice until he brought the burning tablecloth up to wrap around Teyla's body. Obviously that was his cue to shriek again, so he did, as well as flap the flaming tablecloth around like a matador's cape, beating it against the ground in a vain attempt to smother the fire for two seconds which managed to not only not put out the fire, but also, ingeniously, get his jacket going as well. Rodney ripped the jacket off, but one sleeve caught on his wrist. While attempting to shake it off, Rodney noticed the fire on his pants which was steadily burning up past the insulation of his military issue boots.
Teyla, lovely, helpful Teyla, pulled a knife from her hair (and Rodney had never loved Ronon more for teaching her that) and slid it under the waistband of his pants, cold metal sharp against the soft skin of his belly (which called for more shrieking if anything did) and dropped to her knees (actually much more calming than one might think under the circumstances), slicing the right leg as she went. Rodney thought it would be rather a lot more efficient if she had cut the left leg, since that was the leg on fire, but at that moment, anything that got him out of his pants was fine with him. She made another quick slice appallingly near his groin and ripped the fabric hard and in no time flat Rodney was naked from the waist down but for his boots. (Damn it, he'd had the boxers with the flying toasters on them for ten years!)
Rodney thought he might be in love for all of ten seconds until he found himself flat on his back with a lap full of Teyla, who had apparently decided that his t-shirt was in danger of catching fire as well, because she was slicing that right down the center (well, more or less center; it did take a slight detour around his right nipple.) Up this close Rodney could see the golden sheen of her skin, much shinier than he ever remembered seeing it before, and also, quite sticky where she touched him, and while that was not something he usually cared for, he was so relieved to be relieved of his pants that he didn't care if he got all sticky. His head lolled to the side and
“Jacket, jacket, jacket!” Rodney managed to say in a very manly and commanding tone of voice which was not at all high pitched or squeaky or in any way panicky. Teyla, quick to respond as ever, dragged her really freakishly sharp knife over the sleeve millimeters from Rodney's fingers and released him.
That was when Sheppard and Ronon decided to show up.
“Is this a private party, or can anyone join in?” Sheppard said, cocking an eyebrow as he looked down at Rodney who yelped and attempted to cover his exposed bits, but only succeeded in jostling Teyla back a bit further and rubbing her ass against parts which suggested rather loudly to Rodney's brain that they really ought to thank Teyla for ripping his pants off in whatever way she might desire as soon as humanly possible.
“I was just minding my own business, eating some of those little crab puff things and when I looked up you were gone and Teyla was naked,” Rodney explained lamely, Teyla all the while squirming in his lap and getting him sticky. “My pants were on fire! She helped me.”
“With the fire in your pants,” John said dryly. Very, very dryly.
“Sheppard. Fire,” Ronon grunted and nodded his head sharply at the fiery inferno behind them then back down at Rodney. “Fuck later. It's time to go, now.”
“Yes, yes, yes. A little help here?” Rodney flailed his arms as Teyla swiped her tongue across his nipple. “Wait, what?!”
Rodney later learned that there were in fact a number of unusual uses for freaky alien honey and that the effects were mostly temporary with no lasting side effects beyond the persistent compulsion to call Teyla 'Honey' and the twitch in Sheppard's left eye whenever he did so. They listed it in the mission report as potentially toxic and flammable and though Sheppard's was perfectly intact until they made it to his room, they listed the reason for newly requisitioned uniforms for the entire team as 'field damage'. John listed the request to discontinue honey in the rations from Earth as a security issue. No one asked. The SGC was familiar with freaky alien goo.