I can't sleep
I can't sleep. Probably for a lot of reasons but mostly I think because I need to get something off my chest. I almost didn't write this and maybe I shouldn't have because a lot if it is not my story to tell and thus everything I say is going to be that awful mixture of way too vague and far too much over sharing. The fact is I'm not very good at holding things in, this is a mostly anonymous setting and frankly if you're reading this I think you might be the only one, so... here goes.
About three months ago (which due to my horrible lack of posting is about three posts ago) I wrote about a friend who "dumped" me. We were (in my opinion at least) best friends. I knew she was in a bad place at the time and as much as it tore me apart I honestly thought that respecting her wishes and leaving her alone was the right thing to do (there was no fight or anything and since it didn't happen in person I wrote her an email saying I would always consider her a friend). I have thought about her so much over the past few months, and wondered regularly if I should try to contact her but always decided to keep waiting.
She called me today. For about half the time we have been out of touch she's been hospitalized. I know that's not my fault and I honestly don't think if I had acted differently it would have changed her situation. Still I can't help second guessing myself. Did I do the right thing? I really just don't know... Maybe there was no right in this situation. It's my natural instinct to think that someone is Keats wrong and that someone is usually me but I guess at this point that kind of insecurity is not going to do either of us any good.
I'm going to visit her tomorrow. I have incredibly mixed emotions. I am happy (far more than I feel I have the right to be) knowing that she reached out and that I am going to see her, I have really really missed her friendship. I am sad because of how bad it got, because I wasn't there to support her, and probably most of all because even from a short phone call it's clear she's still in a bad place. I'm also scared, scared to have her come back into my life only to have her leave again, scared I will say or do the wrong thing. It's just a lot and the really ironic thing is this shouldn't even be about me, she's the one that needs the support.
So that's it. I am grateful for this little space where I can pour my heart out. Thanks for "listening".
Right or wrong I'm hitting post now and plan on giving sleep another go....
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