Fic: Shattered (Tony-centric) 4/?
Title: Shattered
Author: justhowthisgoes
Fandom: NCIS
Category: Angst
Pairing: Tiva
Rating: T
Spoilers: Up to Season 7
Summary: Tony can't sleep. He's worried about Ziva. Post-Aliyah angsty ficlets. Was a one-shot, but now extended to a multi-chapter by popular request.
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.
Not Knowing Is The Worst
Normal.
What did that mean, anyway?
He was sure that the dictionary had some kind of flat, standard, one-dimensional explanation for the term, but in his opinion normality was an elusive concept at best.
He couldn’t even begin to comprehend it.
Was it normal to try to replace Ziva with some generic female agent? They were certainly lining up for the job.
Was it normal to laugh and joke, to wake and sleep, live and breathe, without knowing if she was doing the same?
Was it normal to feel this agonizing, hollow ache every time he thought of her, every time he saw her empty desk, every time the team was together and she was so obviously missing?
He felt her absence. Felt it deeply. Felt it like a tangible reminder of everything that he’d ever done wrong, every time he’d ever screwed up, everyone he’d ever lost.
He couldn’t just ‘move on,’ as Ducky had said.
It wasn’t that easy. Not without knowing.
He could understand her not calling him.
Although he had hoped that she would come to understand why he’d done what he had, he didn't really expect it.
But none of that mattered to him right now.
He just wished with all that was left of his heart that she would call one of the others.
Or else send an email. Even a postcard. Hell, smoke signals for all he cared.
Just as long as he knew she was all right. That would be enough.
Was it normal that she hadn’t contacted them?
No. It wasn’t. It couldn’t be. At least they agreed with him on that.
You can’t do it alone.
You gonna stop me?
That’s not what I said.
Help, hope, and a good dash of sanity came in the form of McGee and then Abby.
He wasn’t sure what they would be able to accomplish, but at least now he felt like he was doing something.
Anything.
And anything was better than nothing.
The nothing that, so far, was all that they’d heard.
Nothing exact, nothing definite, nothing solid.
Just hints.
Whispers.
Rumors.
Of secret terrorist training camps.
Of mysterious Mossad ops in the desert.
Of cargo ships named for portentous legendary weapons that filled him, though he did not quite know why, with a sense of foreboding.
This sixth sense began following him everywhere he went, along with the sharp twinge in his already tattered, broken heart that still reacted to every thought and memory of her.
That was all right though.
He deserved the pain. Wanted it. Needed it even.
At this point he wasn’t sure if he could function without it.
A little masochistic, don’t you think? He chided himself. You don’t even know for sure that anything’s wrong.
They say hindsight is always 20/20.
He should’ve given himself more credit.
...
Chapter 5
Author: justhowthisgoes
Fandom: NCIS
Category: Angst
Pairing: Tiva
Rating: T
Spoilers: Up to Season 7
Summary: Tony can't sleep. He's worried about Ziva. Post-Aliyah angsty ficlets. Was a one-shot, but now extended to a multi-chapter by popular request.
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.
Not Knowing Is The Worst
Normal.
What did that mean, anyway?
He was sure that the dictionary had some kind of flat, standard, one-dimensional explanation for the term, but in his opinion normality was an elusive concept at best.
He couldn’t even begin to comprehend it.
Was it normal to try to replace Ziva with some generic female agent? They were certainly lining up for the job.
Was it normal to laugh and joke, to wake and sleep, live and breathe, without knowing if she was doing the same?
Was it normal to feel this agonizing, hollow ache every time he thought of her, every time he saw her empty desk, every time the team was together and she was so obviously missing?
He felt her absence. Felt it deeply. Felt it like a tangible reminder of everything that he’d ever done wrong, every time he’d ever screwed up, everyone he’d ever lost.
He couldn’t just ‘move on,’ as Ducky had said.
It wasn’t that easy. Not without knowing.
He could understand her not calling him.
Although he had hoped that she would come to understand why he’d done what he had, he didn't really expect it.
But none of that mattered to him right now.
He just wished with all that was left of his heart that she would call one of the others.
Or else send an email. Even a postcard. Hell, smoke signals for all he cared.
Just as long as he knew she was all right. That would be enough.
Was it normal that she hadn’t contacted them?
No. It wasn’t. It couldn’t be. At least they agreed with him on that.
You can’t do it alone.
You gonna stop me?
That’s not what I said.
Help, hope, and a good dash of sanity came in the form of McGee and then Abby.
He wasn’t sure what they would be able to accomplish, but at least now he felt like he was doing something.
Anything.
And anything was better than nothing.
The nothing that, so far, was all that they’d heard.
Nothing exact, nothing definite, nothing solid.
Just hints.
Whispers.
Rumors.
Of secret terrorist training camps.
Of mysterious Mossad ops in the desert.
Of cargo ships named for portentous legendary weapons that filled him, though he did not quite know why, with a sense of foreboding.
This sixth sense began following him everywhere he went, along with the sharp twinge in his already tattered, broken heart that still reacted to every thought and memory of her.
That was all right though.
He deserved the pain. Wanted it. Needed it even.
At this point he wasn’t sure if he could function without it.
A little masochistic, don’t you think? He chided himself. You don’t even know for sure that anything’s wrong.
They say hindsight is always 20/20.
He should’ve given himself more credit.
...
Chapter 5