Unexamined
While working had become a strain ever since he and Marty stopped talking to each other, Kcalb always recollected himself by spending time in other peoples' houses. For three days out of the week he went to Gavin's and spent each night there, for another three days he traveled his cousin's house to do the same, and the last day was reserved to visit Johnathan, though he would go home afterward. Admittedly, it didn't feel effective for the long run to be putting off his coworkers (who were his closest set of friends), but it was a convalescing period.
Today, Kcalb had arrived to Addie's and spent two hours playing with his niece and nephew. Anthan, who turned six just last month, looked more like his uncle than he resembled his father; Mathieu thankfully found it endearing and frequently joked with Kcalb, "It's not like you'll ever have kids anyway, enjoy my son!" Addie later confided that Mathieu's humor was a mask over his worry that their son would become impartial to his father.
The boy, however, was not aware of any of the complex things yet. Being an inventive child, Anthan often dictated ideas to his uncle for necessary sketching, since "mom and dad have to play with Maddie." The first time they ever collaborated, Kcalb scrawled a drawing of a "dream pillow", which was essentially a pillow that would capture dreams. People would sleep with their heads resting on one side, and when the time came to wake up, they could turn their pillows over to a screen and replay their dreams just in case they couldn't recall them. The recorded dreams would be erased the next time another dream occurred.
Kcalb once asked, "Will there be a way to keep them? Like, on a DVD or a tape or something?"
Anthan replied, "There could be a 'USB' thing and you could put it on your 'puter."
Kcalb, impressed, remarked, "Smart boy."
After a pause, Anthan shook his head at the comment. "No, I'm not! What if somebody has a nightmare? What if there is no dream? It's bad."
"How do you know it's bad?"
"Dreams are 'posed to make people happy."
"We'll put a filter in the pillow, then. It can censor out all the bad parts of the dream."
"Like what mom and dad did to the TV?"
"Yeah."
"Isn't that like lying?"
Kcalb thought about it. "Why would it be like lying?"
"'Cause you don't get all of it."
"That could be an option then." Kcalb added a button to the screen side of the pillow. "You could press this if you don't want to see the bad parts, and you could press it again if you want to see everything."
"Wow!" Anthan hovered over Kcalb's shoulder, hugging his neck. "Amazing!"
"And if there are no dreams, it could play an old one again."
"That's dumb, uncle."
"Ouch. Why?"
"It's a gyp."
"Do you know what a gyp is?"
"Yes."
"Well, all right." Kcalb thought of asking him the meaning of the word, but decided against it. "So what should the pillow do instead?"
Anthan shrugged. "I 'unno." Pause. "A letter!"
"A letter?"
"It could say something nice."
"Oh, you mean a message."
"Yeah. Message!"
"Like 'good morning'?"
"What if somebody wakes up late? It's not morning anymore."
"There could be a time function. The pillow could have an internal clock, so it'll know when to say 'good morning' and 'good afternoon'."
"Maybe."
"Why maybe?"
Anthan shrugged again. "I 'unno!"
"Maybe since it's hooked up to the computer, the computer could upload a picture of whatever the person wants. There could be a separate folder with lots of pictures in it, and the pillow will randomly pick. So if the person doesn't dream for three nights in a row, the first night could be a picture of their family, the second of their friends, the third of their favorite animal."
Anthan's eyes grew wide. "Cool!" Pause. "But it's not a dream pillow anymore, is it?"
"It could be a happy pillow."
"What if someone wants to see their nightmares and they aren't happy?"
Kcalb shrugged. "Wanna just call it a pillow?"
The little boy shook his head quickly and giggled. "No! Let's call it the Anthan pillow 'cause we both made it."
Kcalb reached back and ruffled his nephew's hair. "That sounds good."
When the drawing was complete, Kcalb made a copy of the Anthan pillow and kept it in a scrapbook. Eventually the scrapbook ate up more things, such as the Anthan mood shirt and the Anthan sad lamp. The mood shirt, as explained by Anthan, was a "shirt that changes colors so it can show how somebody is feeling. That way, people won't yell at someone if their shirt is purple and people can be nice to someone if their shirt is red." The sad lamp was a bottle-looking device that "if someone is alone in the dark and they're feeling lonely, they can cry into it and it'll light up. The light will be so pretty that they'll have to stop crying. And the more tears there are, the prettier the light will turn." As more additions came, Kcalb showed them to Johnathan and Gavin, tacitly trying to ask, Aren't they great?
That all happened maybe sometime around Madeleine's first steps, which didn't come long after Anthan's birthday. He couldn't have asked for a better present. Anthan was such a proud older brother at that time, and Kcalb couldn't feel any more connected to his miniature look-a-like. Ethan (who lived with Addie's family for safety purposes) must have noticed, because he never bothered them while they were spending time together, even though neither of them would have minded. In all actuality, they were more likely to love the extra company.
When Anthan got up from his daily nap, Kcalb was already preparing a new sketch by writing down the date on the corner of a paper. The end of January. "How was your nap, champ?"
"I had a dream but I forgot it."
"Sounds like we need to make the Anthan pillow really soon."
Anthan hobbled sleepily to give his uncle a tight hug around the neck, "You remember?"
"Sure I do. You only invented it a month ago."
"But a month is so looong!"
Kcalb snorted, ruffling the boy's hair. "I think a second is longer than a month."
"That's dumb!"
"So do you have something you want to invent today?"
Anthan bobbed his head, hopping up onto the couch to lean against his uncle and peer at the paper. "Let's make a gun."
"What?"
"What what?"
"I mean, a gun?"
"Yeah! Instead of hurting people, it can shoot out their sadness. That way, guns won't be scary anymore."
Kcalb cautiously began to draw. "What if you can't tell whether someone wants to hurt you or make you feel better?"
"The gun can have a big A on the side. What's your favorite color?"
"Don't have one."
"The A can be white."
"Would it still be a gun if it doesn't do what a gun is supposed to do?"
"There are ray guns and nail guns.. so yeah, I think it's still a gun."
"You're very knowledgeable. Aren't guns scary, though?"
"That's why we're gonna make them not scary."
Kcalb nodded and let a small bout of silence settle in over them, sketching a miserably detail-accurate gun while Anthan watched. The older man was ashamed at how realistic it was beginning to look and tried to sneak in Nerf gun characteristics, which Anthan questioned but Kcalb never answered for. Just before he was done, he decided to ask, "Why did you want to make a gun, Anthan?"
Anthan did his trademark little kid shrug. "I 'unno. I thought you liked guns and I wanted to make something you like."
Kcalb's hand stopped. "What makes you think I like guns?"
Anthan fiddled with the hems of his sleeves, swinging his feet, suddenly aware of the possibility that he would upset Kcalb instead. He hesitated before answering, as though he considered lying. "Sometimes when you take off your jacket, I can see it."
Kcalb's heart sank. The purpose of attaching holsters to the inside of his coat was so that he wouldn't have to wear a shoulder rig; he didn't want his family to see what they touched when he hugged them. He tried to continue the sketch but he wasn't into it anymore, so he pressed his fingers to his eyes and started to cry.
His nephew coddled up to his side and hugged him as hard as he could, starting to cry as well, though he didn't know why. "I'm sorry," he sobbed, "I wish I had the gun to shoot you so you won't be sad."
Kcalb flinched and hugged the little boy tightly, clapping his back. The first thing he wanted to say was, 'If I could shoot myself I'd do it too,' but he meant it in a way that Anthan couldn't possibly understand, not now, at least. Shame forced him to respond, "Don't say things like that, please don't. That's not good to say. Let's make something else that won't be a gun, okay?"
Anthan nodded timidly, sniffing and wiping his eyes with the back of his arm. "I'm sorry. I thought you would like it."
"It's okay, it's okay." Kcalb composed himself just enough to crack a smile and pat Anthan's hair. "Why didn't you ask me what I like instead?"
Anthan tilted his head, tugging lightly at Kcalb's hair, seemingly lost in thought. "I want it to be a surprise."
"Oh."
Anthan stopped pulling. "What do you like?"
Kcalb paused as the doorbell rang, and watched Addie shuffle through the hallway to answer it. "Cameras, videos. I like recording things."
"Okay." Anthan took the paper out of Kcalb's hand to flip it to the other side, and then handed it back. "No more gun."
"Yeah. No more gun."
"You're not mad at me?"
Kcalb sniffled, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "No. No, no. I can't get mad at you."
"What if I do something wrong?"
"I won't get mad."
"Mom says that's bad parenting."
Kcalb snorted. "Well, alright. I won't get too mad."
Anthan made a thoughtful noise. "What's bad parenting?"
"Oh." Pause. "I'll tell you later."
"So you're not mad at me?"
"No, I'm not mad at you."
"I'm still sorry. I don't want you to yell at me." Anthan hugged Kcalb again as Addie peeked her head into the room.
"What're you boys up to?" Addie wiggled her eyebrows, expecting a silly response. "Anthan, there's someone here to see Uncle, so can you watch Maddie while I cook? She's in the nursery."
Anthan nodded and Kcalb muttered a quick "I forgive you" to him, though it may not have been heard as the little big brother bolted upstairs.
Addie tilted her head and stepped further into the room, arms folded in the concerned relative way. "How are you two doing?"
"Alright. Nah, we're doing great. I like coming over."
"That's good," she nodded slowly. "He likes it when you come over. One time he asked me and Ethan for your schedule so he would know when you're visiting, but.." Addie threw her hands up and raised her brows. "No schedule."
"Aw shucks." Kcalb shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. "I should set one up."
"I don't think you have to. It's not like he's upset by it, it's just better for knowing."
"Yeah, yeah. I might need to know too, though."
Addie snorted, briefly coming off as the female counterpart to her cousin. "You'll live. So you're feeling okay right now? Are you on your medication?"
"Me?" Kcalb perked up when he realized how silly of a question that was. "Uh, yeah. I'm on it right now. I'm feeling okay."
"Alright..." Addie nodded slowly, keeping her eyes locked on him. "Because I wasn't sure if you'd be happy about this or not, but there's someone here to see you."
Kcalb frowned, displeased by default at how ominous the announcement sounded. "Who?"
At that moment a tall gentleman of about fifty entered the room with his chin bowed into his chest, a gesture of respect. He had a gaze that was about as sharp as the corners of his mouth. His hair was very dark, though the scruff on his face was gray in some spots. Kcalb knew the structure of his face to be familiar, but what gave the man away was his posture. Every male in the family stood a certain way; the man was his father's brother.
"Uncle Colt?" Kcalb got up and extended his arm out of reflex. As he stood the paper fell to the floor, and the fluttering noise somehow made his knees weak. Right then and there he realized that this was a man he'd been trying to avoid since he was eighteen years old.
Colt's stern face broke into a joyous one as he reached out and took Kcalb's hand, yanking him into a warm bear hug. "Kaiser!"
Kcalb's face fell, confused.
Addie shrugged helplessly, giving him a shaky smile. "I tried to tell him that you don't go by that name anymore, but he refused to have a word of it. Sorry."
A pang of guilt shot through Kcalb as Colt reluctantly pulled away. It was a detail he forced himself to forget a long time ago, and now he didn't remember why. "That's all right."
Colt seemed to be fascinated, taking Kcalb's collar between his fingers and rubbing the fabric curiously. "Wooow," he droned, trying to keep himself from cracking up. He looked at Kcalb up and down, and again, still looking amused in a way that made the other man feel insecure. "Get a load of this."
Kcalb frowned, feeling unusually embarrassed. Ordinarily he was proud of his fashion sense and his ability to impress by simply looking good, but Colt's scrutiny was the sort that made him feel horrendously out of place, almost gaudy. He kept civil and ignored it. "How are you?"
"Good, I'm good." Colt couldn't stop himself from touching Kcalb's clothes, and even brushed his fingers through the younger man's hair. "This has gotten long. Ah, never mind that, though. How are you?"
Kcalb shrugged. "I'm working hard."
"Oh, I can tell. Do you own a bank? Or are you some sort of talent scout? Club owner?" Colt took a seat on the couch, patting the spot beside him.
Kcalb cautiously sat down and looked nervous as Addie sneaked out of the room. Again he ignored Colt, and asked his own question. "So what brings you here?"
"I wanted to see the family, of course. I've been living in Cleveland for six years now, I hardly see Addie and her husband and the kids. I haven't even met their new little girl yet."
"Madeleine? She's adorable."
"I hear the young man looks like you. Hence the namesake, I suppose. It's been some dozen years since I've seen you, Kaiser."
"It's--" Kcalb sighed. "No one calls me Kaiser anymore."
"Addie told me about that. I didn't want to believe it. Well, that's all right. But what kind of name is Caleb? That's no good name for a man."
"What?" Kcalb paused. "No, no. It's Kcalb."
"Kca..lub? Kca-lub? How do you spell that?"
"K-C-A-L-B. Or black backwards, if you're into linguistics."
"No, I don't really like pasta. Kuh-cah-lub?" Colt frowned pensively and scratched his cheek.
"It's just one syllable." The sound of facial hair being flicked around irritated Kcalb just a little bit.
"Kuh-cah-lub? Kca-lub..Kcalb.. Kcalb?"
"That's it."
"Kcalb, Kcalb. Kcalb. That fits in my mouth funny."
"It takes some practice, I guess."
"Kcalb. Huh. At least it's interesting. Does it mean something?"
Shrug. "Does it have to?"
"I'm offended you don't go by your real name anymore."
"And why's that?" Kcalb sighed and leaned back in his seat, bringing his leg up to cross his ankle over his knee.
Colt folded his hands neatly on his lap, sighing happily although his face looked serious again. "I'm the one who gave you that name."
"That so?"
"Yes, that's so. Your father didn't like it but when I told your mother, she said it was a wonderful name, and by God it is."
"What was the other option?"
"He wanted to name you Cornelius. After your mother."
Kcalb wrinkled his nose and snorted. "As beautiful of a name as Cornelia is, Cornelius sounds fucking stupid. Ah, please excuse my language, Uncle."
"Everyone curses nowadays. I should get in on that, myself. Fuck! How's that?"
"That sounded pretty good." As the words left his mouth, he sank when he realized they were beginning to get along.
Colt imitated Kcalb's posture, tossing his ankle over his knee. "Thank God you broke the C pattern with the names. It would've been a disaster."
"Does Kaiser mean something?"
"Oh, sure. Emperor."
"That's corny."
"If it wasn't Kaiser, you would have really been Corny."
Kcalb's face froze, and after a pause he slapped his palm to his face. "That's true. Oh man, that's disgusting."
"And your father--"
"Please call him Claude," Kcalb interrupted. "I'm sorry, but..just stop."
"My apologies. Claude. Claude originally wanted Wylie's name--"
"We call him Ethan now."
Colt placed his hand over his heart, as thought it was stopping from shock. "Ethan!"
"Yeah. It's not from nowhere though, we just took it from his middle name."
"Ethaniel? Well, that's better than Kcalb."
Kcalb responded by rolling his eyes. "On a regular basis I go by my middle name too, but since there's a kid running around here with that as his first name, we have to differentiate."
"Why couldn't you have picked something else?"
"Because I've had it for years. I'm sorry, but is the critique necessary? It's a name."
"So is Cornelius, and we both agreed it's a disaster."
Kcalb turned his head away, unable to find an argument.
Colt looked over at his nephew and sighed. "I've missed you."
"Did you really?"
"Yes. I've already seen your brother once before, but you became a ghost. If I didn't have photos of you as a child, I would have forgotten that I had another nephew."
Kcalb sulked a little, thinking, 'That was the point.' He didn't know how to reply, so he spat out a lie. "I missed you too."
"So where do you work now? Do you really own a bank or some other sort like that?"
"No, but I do handle money a lot," Kcalb tried to dodge. "I don't really want to talk about work right now."
"Stressful, is it? Oh, that's all right. I'm glad you're such a hard worker, but don't forget to take a break every once in a while. You being a workaholic reminds me of Claude."
"Are you going to keep bringing him up? Just wondering."
"You still don't like him? After all this time?" Colt pouted, rubbing his temple. "I'm sorry he wasn't a better role model for you. He wasn't a bad brother, let me tell you, but his temper made him an unreasonable father. I think he might have even gone crazy if he'd seen you with your hair like this."
"He always said long hair was for cowards."
"Oh, I know what he said. But hell, with his way of thinking, it's impossible to not be a coward in his eyes. He had no role models of his own, and even if you imitated him I'm sure he would say something along the lines of, "You're a coward for not being able to be your own man." Now, I can understand that being a coward isn't a good thing but I believe in self-preservation."
Kcalb's heart jumped a little, however he wasn't sure why. Maybe it felt good to hear, or maybe it was relieving to know that he wasn't the only one who looked down his father's antics. "You think so?"
"I know so. Held standards like people were supposed to jump through burning hoops for him. Mind, he was very intelligent, he just never said what he was feeling. Typical Kraut."
Kcalb snorted, immediately agreeing.
"The only thing he was proud of was his family, I'd say. I know you probably don't think so, but that's the truth of it.
"You're right, I don't think so. He liked working better than spending time with us."
"Now, hold on there. He worked like a dog to make a good life for you, Wy--Ethan and your mother."
Kcalb winced at the possibility that he misunderstood his father's intentions. He'd spent so much time and energy in agony because of his father's upbringing that he never considered once, Maybe he's not as bad as I thought? "He told you that?"
"He never had to say anything. I can tell these things, he's my brother. Cornelia was the perfect human being to him, and you boys were the fruit of his life. Now he would never admit it, but I'm sure that if he saw you right now, he would be so happy to see that you've become so successful. There's nothing better for a father than to have his son dress better than he does."
Kcalb pressed the back of his hand to his eye, trying not to weep.
"Your eyes bothering you? That's because you're wearing sunglasses indoors. And it's not even light out anymore! Take them off, now I feel blind."
Kcalb bit his lip and took them off hesitantly, keeping his eyes averted from Colt's. "Sorry."
Colt leaned forward, trying to look into his face. "We've all got the same black eyes." He placed his hand on the back of Kcalb's neck, squeezing gently. "I'm sorry to make you cry, but what I told you was true."
"I know." Kcalb stifled a sob. "Um, thanks."
"Well I'll be here for the next few days, but I just wanted to talk to you for a bit before spending time with the others. I really have missed you and I'm glad to see you're doing so well. You've grown into a fine man, Kaiser, and I'm proud of you." Colt kissed his nephew's cheek and got up to wander the rest of the house.
Kcalb sat there, letting the last sentence resound through him. Somehow, it was as though all of the vices his father had committed were purged and forgiven through his brother. It ached, but things made sense and everything felt like it would all be okay. A great weight relieved itself from Kcalb's shoulders. He stared down at his hands, trying to keep the moment in his mind, resolving to remember it far into the future. He tried to remember the other objects in the room, the way he was sitting, even checked his watch, and noted that his shades were off. Absolute absorption.
Five minutes passed before he realized that he was sitting around and doing nothing, so he slowly got to his feet and went upstairs to the nursery. He opened the door noisily on accident, however only baby Madeleine looked up at the creaking noise coming from the squeaky doorhinge. Mathieu tried to get her attention with a reading book, and Ethan was helping Anthan color a dinosaur. Kcalb noticed that Anthan had changed into a purple shirt. "Hey."
Mathieu scooped his arm around Madeleine to keep her from crawling out the door and looked up, smiling. "Hey to you too. I heard someone came to see you."
"More like, to see you and that giant marshmallow you're hugging. Someone wants to see his granddaughter and grandson."
"Oh!" Mathieu did a push-up off the floor and stood, collecting Madeleine into a hug. "Come on, darling. Time to meet papa young horse."
"Yep." Kcalb took Madeleine's little hand and pressed a quick kiss to it as they moved through the door, past him.
Ethan smiled nervously and got up, rubbing his knees. "I think I'll go say hi to him too." He patted Anthan's head, but the little boy didn't look up.
"Ah, okay. You can stay with us if you want to though, I'm sure he'll be distracted by Maddie."
"No, that's okay. Um, were you alright seeing him? I know you don't like him very much..."
Kcalb shrugged and shook his head. "It was alright. It was fine. No big deal, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated it would be." Pause, another shrug. "I'll talk to you about it later."
Ethan nodded, wringing his sleeve. "Okay."
"C'mere and hug me before you go down?"
Ethan reacted eagerly, almost rushing to his brother for a hug. Kcalb embraced him warmly, rubbing his back and nuzzling the side of his head. Ethan wrapped his arms around Kcalb's shoulders and squeezed. After they let go, Ethan continued on his way downstairs and Kcalb approached his purple-shirted nephew, picking him up and hugging him as he began to cry.
"i'm not going to yell at you."
note: happened between 5-6pm yesterday.
Today, Kcalb had arrived to Addie's and spent two hours playing with his niece and nephew. Anthan, who turned six just last month, looked more like his uncle than he resembled his father; Mathieu thankfully found it endearing and frequently joked with Kcalb, "It's not like you'll ever have kids anyway, enjoy my son!" Addie later confided that Mathieu's humor was a mask over his worry that their son would become impartial to his father.
The boy, however, was not aware of any of the complex things yet. Being an inventive child, Anthan often dictated ideas to his uncle for necessary sketching, since "mom and dad have to play with Maddie." The first time they ever collaborated, Kcalb scrawled a drawing of a "dream pillow", which was essentially a pillow that would capture dreams. People would sleep with their heads resting on one side, and when the time came to wake up, they could turn their pillows over to a screen and replay their dreams just in case they couldn't recall them. The recorded dreams would be erased the next time another dream occurred.
Kcalb once asked, "Will there be a way to keep them? Like, on a DVD or a tape or something?"
Anthan replied, "There could be a 'USB' thing and you could put it on your 'puter."
Kcalb, impressed, remarked, "Smart boy."
After a pause, Anthan shook his head at the comment. "No, I'm not! What if somebody has a nightmare? What if there is no dream? It's bad."
"How do you know it's bad?"
"Dreams are 'posed to make people happy."
"We'll put a filter in the pillow, then. It can censor out all the bad parts of the dream."
"Like what mom and dad did to the TV?"
"Yeah."
"Isn't that like lying?"
Kcalb thought about it. "Why would it be like lying?"
"'Cause you don't get all of it."
"That could be an option then." Kcalb added a button to the screen side of the pillow. "You could press this if you don't want to see the bad parts, and you could press it again if you want to see everything."
"Wow!" Anthan hovered over Kcalb's shoulder, hugging his neck. "Amazing!"
"And if there are no dreams, it could play an old one again."
"That's dumb, uncle."
"Ouch. Why?"
"It's a gyp."
"Do you know what a gyp is?"
"Yes."
"Well, all right." Kcalb thought of asking him the meaning of the word, but decided against it. "So what should the pillow do instead?"
Anthan shrugged. "I 'unno." Pause. "A letter!"
"A letter?"
"It could say something nice."
"Oh, you mean a message."
"Yeah. Message!"
"Like 'good morning'?"
"What if somebody wakes up late? It's not morning anymore."
"There could be a time function. The pillow could have an internal clock, so it'll know when to say 'good morning' and 'good afternoon'."
"Maybe."
"Why maybe?"
Anthan shrugged again. "I 'unno!"
"Maybe since it's hooked up to the computer, the computer could upload a picture of whatever the person wants. There could be a separate folder with lots of pictures in it, and the pillow will randomly pick. So if the person doesn't dream for three nights in a row, the first night could be a picture of their family, the second of their friends, the third of their favorite animal."
Anthan's eyes grew wide. "Cool!" Pause. "But it's not a dream pillow anymore, is it?"
"It could be a happy pillow."
"What if someone wants to see their nightmares and they aren't happy?"
Kcalb shrugged. "Wanna just call it a pillow?"
The little boy shook his head quickly and giggled. "No! Let's call it the Anthan pillow 'cause we both made it."
Kcalb reached back and ruffled his nephew's hair. "That sounds good."
When the drawing was complete, Kcalb made a copy of the Anthan pillow and kept it in a scrapbook. Eventually the scrapbook ate up more things, such as the Anthan mood shirt and the Anthan sad lamp. The mood shirt, as explained by Anthan, was a "shirt that changes colors so it can show how somebody is feeling. That way, people won't yell at someone if their shirt is purple and people can be nice to someone if their shirt is red." The sad lamp was a bottle-looking device that "if someone is alone in the dark and they're feeling lonely, they can cry into it and it'll light up. The light will be so pretty that they'll have to stop crying. And the more tears there are, the prettier the light will turn." As more additions came, Kcalb showed them to Johnathan and Gavin, tacitly trying to ask, Aren't they great?
That all happened maybe sometime around Madeleine's first steps, which didn't come long after Anthan's birthday. He couldn't have asked for a better present. Anthan was such a proud older brother at that time, and Kcalb couldn't feel any more connected to his miniature look-a-like. Ethan (who lived with Addie's family for safety purposes) must have noticed, because he never bothered them while they were spending time together, even though neither of them would have minded. In all actuality, they were more likely to love the extra company.
When Anthan got up from his daily nap, Kcalb was already preparing a new sketch by writing down the date on the corner of a paper. The end of January. "How was your nap, champ?"
"I had a dream but I forgot it."
"Sounds like we need to make the Anthan pillow really soon."
Anthan hobbled sleepily to give his uncle a tight hug around the neck, "You remember?"
"Sure I do. You only invented it a month ago."
"But a month is so looong!"
Kcalb snorted, ruffling the boy's hair. "I think a second is longer than a month."
"That's dumb!"
"So do you have something you want to invent today?"
Anthan bobbed his head, hopping up onto the couch to lean against his uncle and peer at the paper. "Let's make a gun."
"What?"
"What what?"
"I mean, a gun?"
"Yeah! Instead of hurting people, it can shoot out their sadness. That way, guns won't be scary anymore."
Kcalb cautiously began to draw. "What if you can't tell whether someone wants to hurt you or make you feel better?"
"The gun can have a big A on the side. What's your favorite color?"
"Don't have one."
"The A can be white."
"Would it still be a gun if it doesn't do what a gun is supposed to do?"
"There are ray guns and nail guns.. so yeah, I think it's still a gun."
"You're very knowledgeable. Aren't guns scary, though?"
"That's why we're gonna make them not scary."
Kcalb nodded and let a small bout of silence settle in over them, sketching a miserably detail-accurate gun while Anthan watched. The older man was ashamed at how realistic it was beginning to look and tried to sneak in Nerf gun characteristics, which Anthan questioned but Kcalb never answered for. Just before he was done, he decided to ask, "Why did you want to make a gun, Anthan?"
Anthan did his trademark little kid shrug. "I 'unno. I thought you liked guns and I wanted to make something you like."
Kcalb's hand stopped. "What makes you think I like guns?"
Anthan fiddled with the hems of his sleeves, swinging his feet, suddenly aware of the possibility that he would upset Kcalb instead. He hesitated before answering, as though he considered lying. "Sometimes when you take off your jacket, I can see it."
Kcalb's heart sank. The purpose of attaching holsters to the inside of his coat was so that he wouldn't have to wear a shoulder rig; he didn't want his family to see what they touched when he hugged them. He tried to continue the sketch but he wasn't into it anymore, so he pressed his fingers to his eyes and started to cry.
His nephew coddled up to his side and hugged him as hard as he could, starting to cry as well, though he didn't know why. "I'm sorry," he sobbed, "I wish I had the gun to shoot you so you won't be sad."
Kcalb flinched and hugged the little boy tightly, clapping his back. The first thing he wanted to say was, 'If I could shoot myself I'd do it too,' but he meant it in a way that Anthan couldn't possibly understand, not now, at least. Shame forced him to respond, "Don't say things like that, please don't. That's not good to say. Let's make something else that won't be a gun, okay?"
Anthan nodded timidly, sniffing and wiping his eyes with the back of his arm. "I'm sorry. I thought you would like it."
"It's okay, it's okay." Kcalb composed himself just enough to crack a smile and pat Anthan's hair. "Why didn't you ask me what I like instead?"
Anthan tilted his head, tugging lightly at Kcalb's hair, seemingly lost in thought. "I want it to be a surprise."
"Oh."
Anthan stopped pulling. "What do you like?"
Kcalb paused as the doorbell rang, and watched Addie shuffle through the hallway to answer it. "Cameras, videos. I like recording things."
"Okay." Anthan took the paper out of Kcalb's hand to flip it to the other side, and then handed it back. "No more gun."
"Yeah. No more gun."
"You're not mad at me?"
Kcalb sniffled, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "No. No, no. I can't get mad at you."
"What if I do something wrong?"
"I won't get mad."
"Mom says that's bad parenting."
Kcalb snorted. "Well, alright. I won't get too mad."
Anthan made a thoughtful noise. "What's bad parenting?"
"Oh." Pause. "I'll tell you later."
"So you're not mad at me?"
"No, I'm not mad at you."
"I'm still sorry. I don't want you to yell at me." Anthan hugged Kcalb again as Addie peeked her head into the room.
"What're you boys up to?" Addie wiggled her eyebrows, expecting a silly response. "Anthan, there's someone here to see Uncle, so can you watch Maddie while I cook? She's in the nursery."
Anthan nodded and Kcalb muttered a quick "I forgive you" to him, though it may not have been heard as the little big brother bolted upstairs.
Addie tilted her head and stepped further into the room, arms folded in the concerned relative way. "How are you two doing?"
"Alright. Nah, we're doing great. I like coming over."
"That's good," she nodded slowly. "He likes it when you come over. One time he asked me and Ethan for your schedule so he would know when you're visiting, but.." Addie threw her hands up and raised her brows. "No schedule."
"Aw shucks." Kcalb shook his head, running his fingers through his hair. "I should set one up."
"I don't think you have to. It's not like he's upset by it, it's just better for knowing."
"Yeah, yeah. I might need to know too, though."
Addie snorted, briefly coming off as the female counterpart to her cousin. "You'll live. So you're feeling okay right now? Are you on your medication?"
"Me?" Kcalb perked up when he realized how silly of a question that was. "Uh, yeah. I'm on it right now. I'm feeling okay."
"Alright..." Addie nodded slowly, keeping her eyes locked on him. "Because I wasn't sure if you'd be happy about this or not, but there's someone here to see you."
Kcalb frowned, displeased by default at how ominous the announcement sounded. "Who?"
At that moment a tall gentleman of about fifty entered the room with his chin bowed into his chest, a gesture of respect. He had a gaze that was about as sharp as the corners of his mouth. His hair was very dark, though the scruff on his face was gray in some spots. Kcalb knew the structure of his face to be familiar, but what gave the man away was his posture. Every male in the family stood a certain way; the man was his father's brother.
"Uncle Colt?" Kcalb got up and extended his arm out of reflex. As he stood the paper fell to the floor, and the fluttering noise somehow made his knees weak. Right then and there he realized that this was a man he'd been trying to avoid since he was eighteen years old.
Colt's stern face broke into a joyous one as he reached out and took Kcalb's hand, yanking him into a warm bear hug. "Kaiser!"
Kcalb's face fell, confused.
Addie shrugged helplessly, giving him a shaky smile. "I tried to tell him that you don't go by that name anymore, but he refused to have a word of it. Sorry."
A pang of guilt shot through Kcalb as Colt reluctantly pulled away. It was a detail he forced himself to forget a long time ago, and now he didn't remember why. "That's all right."
Colt seemed to be fascinated, taking Kcalb's collar between his fingers and rubbing the fabric curiously. "Wooow," he droned, trying to keep himself from cracking up. He looked at Kcalb up and down, and again, still looking amused in a way that made the other man feel insecure. "Get a load of this."
Kcalb frowned, feeling unusually embarrassed. Ordinarily he was proud of his fashion sense and his ability to impress by simply looking good, but Colt's scrutiny was the sort that made him feel horrendously out of place, almost gaudy. He kept civil and ignored it. "How are you?"
"Good, I'm good." Colt couldn't stop himself from touching Kcalb's clothes, and even brushed his fingers through the younger man's hair. "This has gotten long. Ah, never mind that, though. How are you?"
Kcalb shrugged. "I'm working hard."
"Oh, I can tell. Do you own a bank? Or are you some sort of talent scout? Club owner?" Colt took a seat on the couch, patting the spot beside him.
Kcalb cautiously sat down and looked nervous as Addie sneaked out of the room. Again he ignored Colt, and asked his own question. "So what brings you here?"
"I wanted to see the family, of course. I've been living in Cleveland for six years now, I hardly see Addie and her husband and the kids. I haven't even met their new little girl yet."
"Madeleine? She's adorable."
"I hear the young man looks like you. Hence the namesake, I suppose. It's been some dozen years since I've seen you, Kaiser."
"It's--" Kcalb sighed. "No one calls me Kaiser anymore."
"Addie told me about that. I didn't want to believe it. Well, that's all right. But what kind of name is Caleb? That's no good name for a man."
"What?" Kcalb paused. "No, no. It's Kcalb."
"Kca..lub? Kca-lub? How do you spell that?"
"K-C-A-L-B. Or black backwards, if you're into linguistics."
"No, I don't really like pasta. Kuh-cah-lub?" Colt frowned pensively and scratched his cheek.
"It's just one syllable." The sound of facial hair being flicked around irritated Kcalb just a little bit.
"Kuh-cah-lub? Kca-lub..Kcalb.. Kcalb?"
"That's it."
"Kcalb, Kcalb. Kcalb. That fits in my mouth funny."
"It takes some practice, I guess."
"Kcalb. Huh. At least it's interesting. Does it mean something?"
Shrug. "Does it have to?"
"I'm offended you don't go by your real name anymore."
"And why's that?" Kcalb sighed and leaned back in his seat, bringing his leg up to cross his ankle over his knee.
Colt folded his hands neatly on his lap, sighing happily although his face looked serious again. "I'm the one who gave you that name."
"That so?"
"Yes, that's so. Your father didn't like it but when I told your mother, she said it was a wonderful name, and by God it is."
"What was the other option?"
"He wanted to name you Cornelius. After your mother."
Kcalb wrinkled his nose and snorted. "As beautiful of a name as Cornelia is, Cornelius sounds fucking stupid. Ah, please excuse my language, Uncle."
"Everyone curses nowadays. I should get in on that, myself. Fuck! How's that?"
"That sounded pretty good." As the words left his mouth, he sank when he realized they were beginning to get along.
Colt imitated Kcalb's posture, tossing his ankle over his knee. "Thank God you broke the C pattern with the names. It would've been a disaster."
"Does Kaiser mean something?"
"Oh, sure. Emperor."
"That's corny."
"If it wasn't Kaiser, you would have really been Corny."
Kcalb's face froze, and after a pause he slapped his palm to his face. "That's true. Oh man, that's disgusting."
"And your father--"
"Please call him Claude," Kcalb interrupted. "I'm sorry, but..just stop."
"My apologies. Claude. Claude originally wanted Wylie's name--"
"We call him Ethan now."
Colt placed his hand over his heart, as thought it was stopping from shock. "Ethan!"
"Yeah. It's not from nowhere though, we just took it from his middle name."
"Ethaniel? Well, that's better than Kcalb."
Kcalb responded by rolling his eyes. "On a regular basis I go by my middle name too, but since there's a kid running around here with that as his first name, we have to differentiate."
"Why couldn't you have picked something else?"
"Because I've had it for years. I'm sorry, but is the critique necessary? It's a name."
"So is Cornelius, and we both agreed it's a disaster."
Kcalb turned his head away, unable to find an argument.
Colt looked over at his nephew and sighed. "I've missed you."
"Did you really?"
"Yes. I've already seen your brother once before, but you became a ghost. If I didn't have photos of you as a child, I would have forgotten that I had another nephew."
Kcalb sulked a little, thinking, 'That was the point.' He didn't know how to reply, so he spat out a lie. "I missed you too."
"So where do you work now? Do you really own a bank or some other sort like that?"
"No, but I do handle money a lot," Kcalb tried to dodge. "I don't really want to talk about work right now."
"Stressful, is it? Oh, that's all right. I'm glad you're such a hard worker, but don't forget to take a break every once in a while. You being a workaholic reminds me of Claude."
"Are you going to keep bringing him up? Just wondering."
"You still don't like him? After all this time?" Colt pouted, rubbing his temple. "I'm sorry he wasn't a better role model for you. He wasn't a bad brother, let me tell you, but his temper made him an unreasonable father. I think he might have even gone crazy if he'd seen you with your hair like this."
"He always said long hair was for cowards."
"Oh, I know what he said. But hell, with his way of thinking, it's impossible to not be a coward in his eyes. He had no role models of his own, and even if you imitated him I'm sure he would say something along the lines of, "You're a coward for not being able to be your own man." Now, I can understand that being a coward isn't a good thing but I believe in self-preservation."
Kcalb's heart jumped a little, however he wasn't sure why. Maybe it felt good to hear, or maybe it was relieving to know that he wasn't the only one who looked down his father's antics. "You think so?"
"I know so. Held standards like people were supposed to jump through burning hoops for him. Mind, he was very intelligent, he just never said what he was feeling. Typical Kraut."
Kcalb snorted, immediately agreeing.
"The only thing he was proud of was his family, I'd say. I know you probably don't think so, but that's the truth of it.
"You're right, I don't think so. He liked working better than spending time with us."
"Now, hold on there. He worked like a dog to make a good life for you, Wy--Ethan and your mother."
Kcalb winced at the possibility that he misunderstood his father's intentions. He'd spent so much time and energy in agony because of his father's upbringing that he never considered once, Maybe he's not as bad as I thought? "He told you that?"
"He never had to say anything. I can tell these things, he's my brother. Cornelia was the perfect human being to him, and you boys were the fruit of his life. Now he would never admit it, but I'm sure that if he saw you right now, he would be so happy to see that you've become so successful. There's nothing better for a father than to have his son dress better than he does."
Kcalb pressed the back of his hand to his eye, trying not to weep.
"Your eyes bothering you? That's because you're wearing sunglasses indoors. And it's not even light out anymore! Take them off, now I feel blind."
Kcalb bit his lip and took them off hesitantly, keeping his eyes averted from Colt's. "Sorry."
Colt leaned forward, trying to look into his face. "We've all got the same black eyes." He placed his hand on the back of Kcalb's neck, squeezing gently. "I'm sorry to make you cry, but what I told you was true."
"I know." Kcalb stifled a sob. "Um, thanks."
"Well I'll be here for the next few days, but I just wanted to talk to you for a bit before spending time with the others. I really have missed you and I'm glad to see you're doing so well. You've grown into a fine man, Kaiser, and I'm proud of you." Colt kissed his nephew's cheek and got up to wander the rest of the house.
Kcalb sat there, letting the last sentence resound through him. Somehow, it was as though all of the vices his father had committed were purged and forgiven through his brother. It ached, but things made sense and everything felt like it would all be okay. A great weight relieved itself from Kcalb's shoulders. He stared down at his hands, trying to keep the moment in his mind, resolving to remember it far into the future. He tried to remember the other objects in the room, the way he was sitting, even checked his watch, and noted that his shades were off. Absolute absorption.
Five minutes passed before he realized that he was sitting around and doing nothing, so he slowly got to his feet and went upstairs to the nursery. He opened the door noisily on accident, however only baby Madeleine looked up at the creaking noise coming from the squeaky doorhinge. Mathieu tried to get her attention with a reading book, and Ethan was helping Anthan color a dinosaur. Kcalb noticed that Anthan had changed into a purple shirt. "Hey."
Mathieu scooped his arm around Madeleine to keep her from crawling out the door and looked up, smiling. "Hey to you too. I heard someone came to see you."
"More like, to see you and that giant marshmallow you're hugging. Someone wants to see his granddaughter and grandson."
"Oh!" Mathieu did a push-up off the floor and stood, collecting Madeleine into a hug. "Come on, darling. Time to meet papa young horse."
"Yep." Kcalb took Madeleine's little hand and pressed a quick kiss to it as they moved through the door, past him.
Ethan smiled nervously and got up, rubbing his knees. "I think I'll go say hi to him too." He patted Anthan's head, but the little boy didn't look up.
"Ah, okay. You can stay with us if you want to though, I'm sure he'll be distracted by Maddie."
"No, that's okay. Um, were you alright seeing him? I know you don't like him very much..."
Kcalb shrugged and shook his head. "It was alright. It was fine. No big deal, it wasn't as bad as I anticipated it would be." Pause, another shrug. "I'll talk to you about it later."
Ethan nodded, wringing his sleeve. "Okay."
"C'mere and hug me before you go down?"
Ethan reacted eagerly, almost rushing to his brother for a hug. Kcalb embraced him warmly, rubbing his back and nuzzling the side of his head. Ethan wrapped his arms around Kcalb's shoulders and squeezed. After they let go, Ethan continued on his way downstairs and Kcalb approached his purple-shirted nephew, picking him up and hugging him as he began to cry.
"i'm not going to yell at you."
note: happened between 5-6pm yesterday.