Cluster
so I just wanted to come to you about this, in the chance that..maybe you would be willing to start anew. As you can see, I'm not armed and I came alone, so I'm not trying to pull any tricks. I just want..things to be alright," he said slowly, testing out the word. "What do you say?"
Anthaniel paused and considered the situation before him. "So you're telling me that just because you've rekindled your friendship with Ju Cai, you think things will be just fine between us?"
"Oh, no, sir--"
"Anthaniel."
"No, no, no, Anthaniel. No." Avner shook his head quickly. "I'm not trying to predict anything. To be honest, I walked in through your doors, afraid. I only want to start things over, at most; at the least, I would just like to inform you that there's nothing to worry about between me and Ju Cai."
"There's always something to worry about with you. I've heard what happened between you and Benjamin a long while ago--whatever deity be paying attention bless his soul--so hearing that from you is not very comforting."
Avner bit his lip and stared down at the floor, shaking. "Oh..."
"That's alright." Anthaniel pulled a water bottle out from a drawer in his desk and set it on the surface, sliding it towards the other man. "You have time to backpedal."
"I just.. ah.." Avner took the bottle to fiddle with it, the water shivering along with his grip. "I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just don't want anymore trouble."
"Mm-hm, I bet. Have you spoken to Deep? I'm sure he'd like to hear about this as well."
"I tried to reach his office before yours, there was no one there."
Anthaniel made a thoughtful noise and placed his hand over his mouth, muttering loudly. "That guy is MIA, I swear to fucking god..."
Avner took in a breath and hesitantly asked, "Do you think something happened to him?"
The question warranted him a curiously poisonous look. "Why do you care?"
"..I'm sorry. I really would like to just get along."
"Uh huh." Anthaniel glanced away as the phone on his desk rang. He picked it up and dropped it just as quickly. "Is this your way of repenting?"
"No. I-I'm not trying to slide my way out of my position with you, here. I'm not here to repent, not here to expect anything, not here to.." The words got caught in his throat. "I really just want to try to make things better." Avner sighed and placed the bottle back onto the desk, trembling so badly it almost fell from his hand.
Anthaniel took the bottle and uncapped it, taking a large gulp and swallowing it down a bit thickly. A sigh escaped him. "I almost spat on you again."
"I think it would have been well-deserved."
"You're prostrating yourself already, that's enough. Don't self-deprecate for the sake of appeasing me, Goldstein. If you want my forgiveness and/or my friendship, give me a reason to grant them to you." Anthaniel leaned into his high-backed swivel chair, examining Avner carefully. "Let me see your hand."
Avner quickly stood and leaned over the desk, holding it out. Anthaniel held onto his fingers and tugged him a bit closer, refusing to lean forward. The scar Deep had inflicted upon him so long ago looked incredibly nasty, like a series of dog bites over a burn mark.
"I didn't realize it looked this bad." Anthaniel released his hand and made a motion.
Avner retook his seat, shifting anxiously. "Its appearance was probably a bigger point than the wound itself."
"I don't doubt that. Then again, he did eat a flap of your skin. He's trying to haunt you."
"He did very good at it. I can't get the image out of my mind when I look at it."
"I'm sure he'd like that," Anthaniel nodded slowly. "So tell me again, why did you come here to speak with me?"
"Anthaniel, I just..." Avner heaved out a breath, pushing his hand through his curly black hair. "I just want to make things okay, is all I can say, really. I've already exhausted all my other words earlier. I don't know how else to put it. I'm truly sorry for the things I've done. I am not trying to earn your forgiveness, I am not trying to earn your friendship, I am not even trying to earn a clean slate; I just wanted to tell you that Ju Cai and I are friends again, before you mistake it as something else."
"I'm considering something, Goldstein. Do you want to know what it is?"
Avner tensed up even more. "What is it?"
"Have you ever heard of Isaac Friedmann?"
"I may have. Was he a.." Avner took a wild guess. "..philosopher?"
"He was a physicist."
"Oh."
"He's been attributed with the quote, 'Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.' Agree, disagree? Why do you think he would say that?"
"I.. wouldn't know, Anthaniel. It's a release, I suppose. No more power in conflict..? Reverse psychology?" Avner shrugged, bewildered. "I really have no idea."
"Huh. Food for thought, I guess." Anthaniel paused. "I forgive you, Avner. Coming here alone and unarmed...I really appreciate that you're trying to improve things."
"So.. we're alright?" Avner smiled hopefully.
"No," Anthaniel said so venomously that Avner paled. "We are not alright, Avner. Still far from it, in fact. But, tell you what, I'll give you a chance. You act on your best behavior and talk to Deep, alright? If I hear even a peep about you being a fuckface, then you've got it coming. What's between us right now isn't a friendship. I'm not going to hover over your back to make sure you don't fuck up--that's your job. What this is, is me simply choosing not to care about you."
Avner nodded fearfully, almost on the brink of tears. To him, Anthaniel's shades made his eyes look like empty sockets. "I-I understand."
"Get up."
Avner immediately stood at his command, nearly flinching as Anthaniel followed suit. The German stared hard at him for a moment longer before offering his hand. Avner took it in half-relief, half-nervousness, putting Anthaniel's hand in a firm grip, revealing what strength he had. Anthaniel's grip was soft, secretive.
it was a gesture of submission.
Anthaniel paused and considered the situation before him. "So you're telling me that just because you've rekindled your friendship with Ju Cai, you think things will be just fine between us?"
"Oh, no, sir--"
"Anthaniel."
"No, no, no, Anthaniel. No." Avner shook his head quickly. "I'm not trying to predict anything. To be honest, I walked in through your doors, afraid. I only want to start things over, at most; at the least, I would just like to inform you that there's nothing to worry about between me and Ju Cai."
"There's always something to worry about with you. I've heard what happened between you and Benjamin a long while ago--whatever deity be paying attention bless his soul--so hearing that from you is not very comforting."
Avner bit his lip and stared down at the floor, shaking. "Oh..."
"That's alright." Anthaniel pulled a water bottle out from a drawer in his desk and set it on the surface, sliding it towards the other man. "You have time to backpedal."
"I just.. ah.." Avner took the bottle to fiddle with it, the water shivering along with his grip. "I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm trying to say. I just don't want anymore trouble."
"Mm-hm, I bet. Have you spoken to Deep? I'm sure he'd like to hear about this as well."
"I tried to reach his office before yours, there was no one there."
Anthaniel made a thoughtful noise and placed his hand over his mouth, muttering loudly. "That guy is MIA, I swear to fucking god..."
Avner took in a breath and hesitantly asked, "Do you think something happened to him?"
The question warranted him a curiously poisonous look. "Why do you care?"
"..I'm sorry. I really would like to just get along."
"Uh huh." Anthaniel glanced away as the phone on his desk rang. He picked it up and dropped it just as quickly. "Is this your way of repenting?"
"No. I-I'm not trying to slide my way out of my position with you, here. I'm not here to repent, not here to expect anything, not here to.." The words got caught in his throat. "I really just want to try to make things better." Avner sighed and placed the bottle back onto the desk, trembling so badly it almost fell from his hand.
Anthaniel took the bottle and uncapped it, taking a large gulp and swallowing it down a bit thickly. A sigh escaped him. "I almost spat on you again."
"I think it would have been well-deserved."
"You're prostrating yourself already, that's enough. Don't self-deprecate for the sake of appeasing me, Goldstein. If you want my forgiveness and/or my friendship, give me a reason to grant them to you." Anthaniel leaned into his high-backed swivel chair, examining Avner carefully. "Let me see your hand."
Avner quickly stood and leaned over the desk, holding it out. Anthaniel held onto his fingers and tugged him a bit closer, refusing to lean forward. The scar Deep had inflicted upon him so long ago looked incredibly nasty, like a series of dog bites over a burn mark.
"I didn't realize it looked this bad." Anthaniel released his hand and made a motion.
Avner retook his seat, shifting anxiously. "Its appearance was probably a bigger point than the wound itself."
"I don't doubt that. Then again, he did eat a flap of your skin. He's trying to haunt you."
"He did very good at it. I can't get the image out of my mind when I look at it."
"I'm sure he'd like that," Anthaniel nodded slowly. "So tell me again, why did you come here to speak with me?"
"Anthaniel, I just..." Avner heaved out a breath, pushing his hand through his curly black hair. "I just want to make things okay, is all I can say, really. I've already exhausted all my other words earlier. I don't know how else to put it. I'm truly sorry for the things I've done. I am not trying to earn your forgiveness, I am not trying to earn your friendship, I am not even trying to earn a clean slate; I just wanted to tell you that Ju Cai and I are friends again, before you mistake it as something else."
"I'm considering something, Goldstein. Do you want to know what it is?"
Avner tensed up even more. "What is it?"
"Have you ever heard of Isaac Friedmann?"
"I may have. Was he a.." Avner took a wild guess. "..philosopher?"
"He was a physicist."
"Oh."
"He's been attributed with the quote, 'Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.' Agree, disagree? Why do you think he would say that?"
"I.. wouldn't know, Anthaniel. It's a release, I suppose. No more power in conflict..? Reverse psychology?" Avner shrugged, bewildered. "I really have no idea."
"Huh. Food for thought, I guess." Anthaniel paused. "I forgive you, Avner. Coming here alone and unarmed...I really appreciate that you're trying to improve things."
"So.. we're alright?" Avner smiled hopefully.
"No," Anthaniel said so venomously that Avner paled. "We are not alright, Avner. Still far from it, in fact. But, tell you what, I'll give you a chance. You act on your best behavior and talk to Deep, alright? If I hear even a peep about you being a fuckface, then you've got it coming. What's between us right now isn't a friendship. I'm not going to hover over your back to make sure you don't fuck up--that's your job. What this is, is me simply choosing not to care about you."
Avner nodded fearfully, almost on the brink of tears. To him, Anthaniel's shades made his eyes look like empty sockets. "I-I understand."
"Get up."
Avner immediately stood at his command, nearly flinching as Anthaniel followed suit. The German stared hard at him for a moment longer before offering his hand. Avner took it in half-relief, half-nervousness, putting Anthaniel's hand in a firm grip, revealing what strength he had. Anthaniel's grip was soft, secretive.
it was a gesture of submission.