Freakin' Shame as Crap...
How to be Hardcore (hXc)
By Mort Bastardson
A. Wardrobe.
1. Hardcore Band Shirts: Bands like As I Lay Dying, Every Time I Die, and Thursday are still favorites, but try to find a shirt featuring a really obscure band that only you and a few friends have heard. If someone at a show asks you about the band, tell the person that he/she would not like them even though he/she more than likely would. Proceed to walk away.
2. Tight jeans: The tighter, the better. Your legs going numb is just a sign that you are getting more and more awesome by the second.
3. Wristbands: You CANNOT have sweaty hands while dancing at a show.
4. Rubber "Sex" Bracelets: These are just cool. (Prerequisite: It really helps if you are still a virgin.) Wear as many as you can possibly fit on your arm.
5. Studded Belt: Must have four(4) rows of studs. Two(2) rowed belts are only half as hardcore.
6. Facial Hair(guys): Absolutely NO facial hair. Only gross metal guys grow hair on their faces.
7. Thick black-framed glasses: Need them or not, wear them. This is more of an Emo thing, but do it anyway. Emo is cool.
8. Hoodies: Have them feature the name of your favorite hXc band, as listed in point A1. Remember: even in the summertime, a hoodie is the ultimate fashion statement.
9. Don't wear all black. You're not a goth kid. Instead, wear black + random color. Stylish.
B. Attitude/Mannerisms.
1. Be "Straight Edge".
2. Become a total musical elitist: Act like you know more about music than everyone else(see A1) even though you really don't.
3. Typing etiquitte: Type in LEET(1337). If it annoys the person you are chatting with, do it even more. Type "hXc" instead of "hardcore". Do this as much as possible or just when describing anything. (Prerequisite: Having an insane number of "x's" in your screen name is a MUST.) Use "pwned" as much as possible.
4. Have your very own Live Journal(lj). Post lyrics in it on a regular basis.
5. Say "Like whoa." and other similar off-the-wall rap/hip-hop catch phrases.
6. Go to shows.
7. Dance at shows: Don't "mosh". Moshing is considered metal and is therefore uncool. It's dancing. Get it right. There is a variety of moves one can pull at a show:
a. The Spin Kick. This is a classic move and a definitive favorite.
b.The Grass Puller.
c. The Lawnmower. (aka; The Chainsaw. aka; The Ass Slapper)
d. The Windmill.
e. The Codpiece. (this is a relatively new one) Just grab your crotch and go.
Try to mix it up a bit and create your own way of dancing. Not too original though. It's not cool unless it's been done a million times already.
8. GO TO SHOWS!
9. If you actually do listen to metal, tell everyone you listen to "metalcore" instead. There, much better.
10. Join a band: Tell everyone that you're going to create a whole new genre of music. Proceed to do nothing but covers.
11. Watch Donnie Darko and say it's the best movie you've ever seen in your life. This also works with The Nightmare Before Christmas.
12. Are you still reading this? You should be at a show. There is a show tonight, isn't there? Of course there is. If you're as hXc as you say you are I'll see you there.
You know you love it....
-Mort